北斗仙尊 @tiianwens - Tumblr Blog

TIIANWENS — a study of shattered dignity, three heavenly weapons and hell running cold.

mutuals only, low activity Chu Wanning of 'the husky and his white cat shizun' / 2ha, sideblog to @ghcstchild. gently held and irreparably damaged by lana.

18+ for heavy & mature themes. basic info under the cut:

the chinese edition of 2ha is so pretty. and comes with so much stuff.

#ooc.#can i read chinese? absolutely not as i had to spend some time to figure out what even came with the books but

been poking around character.ai with cwn established as my main persona and there’s such a good one for hua binan that i’m kinda speechless. like the bots usually begin to struggle with recollection of events and everything that concerns other characters but that one was very accurate with understanding two timelines, the flower, cwn’s loss of spiritual core and the whole 0.5 emperor business… and on top of that, calling cwn out on the whole “so sleeping with one disciple is fine but another is suddenly gross and improper?” thing.

like istg it’s hard enough for a human brain to comprehend the cause and effect in 2ha but if the ai is capable of that then i’ve got bad news for humanity…

#ooc.#yes i am that desperate but ykw it’s actually fun

fiorrie

[you'll be my pawn and sword]

#forever 👀 at this dynamic

we went to a danmei convention last night and have i ever told you that my favorite character in 2ha is cwn bc it’s definitely him and not somebody else.

#ooc.#lowkey obsessed with the bottom left one #i’m actually sane about him trust

it’s wanning’s birthday tomorrow 👀 and also my wife’s and at least hers counts ig since cwn was never born…

#ooc.

i want it to be known that while cwn doesn't necessarily have any particular thoughts on his origin (prior to discovering the truth), he has a lot of feelings about that. if you keep telling a kid that you 'found him in the snow by the side of the road', what else can he take away from it other than that his parents, whoever they were, resented his very existence to the point of just tossing him out like this?

and the fact that, as a small child, he kept pestering huaizui to take him to his supposed place of birth – don't tell me he didn't hope deep in his heart to see a woman who looks a little bit like him.

cwn's abandonment issues go so deep their true roots aren't even real, but huaizui's betrayal cemented this extremely negative self-view in him. he was someone who was only wanted and lovable as long as he followed orders and had no agency of his own; the moment he stopped, he was supposed to cut his own heart out for his master's convenience. this, paired with his natural stubbornness and resolve, transformed from 'i will be the best version of myself for you to accept me' into 'i'm utterly hateable but that's fine, i'll just exist without bothering anyone'. and as a result, we get this:

which is not a realistic perspective. what about xue zhengyong? xue meng? shi mei, who, once he broke free from hua binan's grasp, held nothing but sorrowful longing for him in his heart?

the thing is, whenever someone exhibits signs of genuine affection for him, he gets wary. because something will go wrong. because one way or another they will abandon him, and all he'll be able to say is 'i expected this much'. it's like he makes a pact with this person in the moment, and they might not even be aware of his expectations, so it's only natural for them to not live up to them and leave him feeling betrayed eventually.

he fears rejection to the same degree as he expects it. that's why cwn (in both lifetimes) is so terrified of xue meng discovering his 'true nature': to him. there's no other predictable outcome than his disciple turning away from him. that's why he's so awkward and secretive about his relationship with mo ran. while there's no issue accepting himself, he's painfully aware that others will despise him, and sure, strangers don't matter – he's the one who ends up holding and kissing mo ran for everyone to see after all – but if the people he cares about find out, they'll reject him. and that's not a comfortable thought.

but even with mo ran, his intense fear of rejection is turned to max. of course, it slowly dissipates, but a part of it is always there. for one thing, you'd think that mo ran is the jealous type, txj sure is, but cwn is even worse. in 0.5, the mere sight of song quitong drives him up the wall because she's beautiful, she's gentle, she's obedient, she can give her husband a child he so wants. a part of him always jumps at the prospect of someone else being interested in his man because obviously, that someone would be a better partner, more attractive, more agreeable, etc. it slowly goes away in post-canon thanks to the constant reassurance and pure adoration he gets from both versions of mo ran, but this deeply damaged attachment plays into their relationship in 0.5 too because... txj wants him. wants him so much it's destructive to them both, but this raw desire, unlike affection, can't be feigned, no matter where it's coming from (while his trust is so fragile and it's so easy for someone like txj to break it that he doesn't even bother trying to extend it for the most part).

tl;dr: cwn will always be extremely wary of those trying to approach him and try to push them away (and then reconfirm his initial fear of rejection if he's successful and feel betrayed on account of the hopes he put upon another person unbeknownst to them being shattered).

#hc.#idk if anyone will even read this but this won't stop me from ranting about my boy

danmei-confessions

what taxian-jun did to chu wanning in the 0.5 timeline was nonconsensual for him as well. he would've never done that if he hadn't been controlled and turned into the worst possible version of himself. it's like being under the influence of drugs or alcohol yet even worse. the fact that he was the aggressor doesn't change this

.

#study.#holding this post like treasure #like honestly mo ran being forced to go through that again while not being in control of his actions was traumatizing for him too #which makes it even worse bc he has so much guilt for the crimes he never decided to commit

cwn's unconditional acceptance of mo ran is what gets me every time. not in a generic 'oh you know, my man's a freak and i'm here for it' way, but in a 'i'm willing to forgive him to a religious extent, hold his flaws to the light and thus allow him to grow as a person by being an unwavering presence in his life that wouldn't toss him aside at the slightest inconvenience' way. he's not willing to excuse or condone the worst of him, but he's willing to accept it while... not doing it for others, which is particularly noticeable in regards to hua binan or even huaizui (who kinda also locked him up and then nearly killed him; did cwn forgive him? yes, but it took two lifetimes and a long ass confession. was he ever truly mad at txj for the exact same thing and more? not really).

this man has absolutely zero problem abandoning those who failed him or did something that goes against his morals (like huaizui or rufeng sect), but honestly, as much shit as he's taken from mo ran in the worst times the thought of leaving him never quite crossed his mind until txj failed to deliver the only thing cwn's ever asked of him and broke his promise to him. and even that was a selfless act rather than an 'i've had enough' act. this man is the definition of ride or die, mostly die, and yes, i'm still obsessed with him.

#study.#still alive btw #i'll write an essay on his anxious-avoidant attachment style one day

assortedsouls

«The General has no need to show his martial prowess with me around. Since he acknowledges my strength, I need to help shoulder his burdens that much more!»

Indie Yanqing from HSR. Part of assortedsouls (multimuse). Written and loved by Niko. OC, AU and crossover friendly.

Xue Meng feels arms catching him, or rather dampening his fall. His eyelids are heavy and his shizun's voice sounds far away. It's cold and he's tired. He doesn't want to stay awake, but it has been such a long time since he heard Chu Wanning's voice and even longer since he heard him speak to him in that tone. Immediately, he's thrown back to his younger years, before his life turned into a nightmare. The good thing with that is that he obeys his shizun's words. Eye as wide open as he can manage, he uses what little strength he has to get back on his feet and then towards the pavilion. Something that would've been impossible without Wanning's help.

Orders are said, but he isn't really listening, and then he's seated, or rather slumped in a way that he remains upright. Everything hurts and he is covered in blood, both his own and others', exhaustion seeping into his bones. Sleep. He wants to sleep, but he can't. He's here for a reason. He needs to remember something.

It's almost like Chu Wanning can read his thoughts, because just as he has thought that he needs to remember something, his shizun asks why he's here. "We... we fought... went head... on. He just... disappeared..." Xue Meng knows Taxian-jun wasn't obliterated, it he had been, so would he himself. Had he used some kind of talisman or something to escape? Possible. The only thing he knows is that they battled head on and as they had dealt their last blow, both using impressive might, and the dust from it settled, Taxian-jun had been nowhere to seen and Xue Meng severely injured and already dazed. His first thought had been to return to Sisheng Peak, to check on Chu Wanning.

Spitting out more blood, not sure if he'll survive or not, but Chu Wanning is still alive and if Taxian-jun isn't here, he can finally escape. "Leave... you should... leave, whole you can. Be free... safe... please, Chu-gege..." Gege. Only once when drunk, in his youth, had he called his shizun that, immortal-gege, but now, it passes his lips again. This time, he is a grown man and no wine is involved, just injuries.

tiianwens

IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE — 'disappeared?' Chu Wanning wants to ask, 'disappeared where?' A sharp pang of guilt rams through his chest at the thought, the instant urge to know if that man is still alive, if his husband will return home. Instead, he pulls Xue Meng into his arms, wiping the blood away with a wet towel the maid brought in. He holds back the urge to scream with the stern expression that only softens briefly at the stunted wording of it all. 'Chu-gege' still rings achingly in his head – the malevolent creature inside him snarls, ready to pounce and bite back, but he'd lost the right to call himself anyone's shizun a long time ago.

❝ Xue Meng, look at me, ❞ he beckons in a shaky voice, watching crimson seep into the white fabrics of his robes, undaunted by the fact that Taxian-jun will sense the foreign scent on him like a blood hound. A hand trails through the other's hair as he keeps avoiding the question. It doesn't really bear saying, the only thing he could offer in response. Wanning has known for a while now, what it meant to love someone the entire world hates, yet accepting it in his heart would never come close to standing his ground in front of others. It terrifies him more than anything, that Xue Meng will lose faith in his shizun. It terrifies him even more that he could lose him too.

His disciple will live, he tells himself, a hand reaching to pull the sharp ornate pin out of his hair. His husband will come home. ❝ Xian'er, ❞ he calls the maid before she could process what he's up to, ❝ go check on the dog. ❞ Chu Wanning presses the sharp edge into his palm, drags it across the skin to with a pathetic semblance of a talisman with a bloodstained tip – it only takes a moment for a pitch-black guqin to rest neatly in his lap, strings illuminating a faint glow from not having fed on spiritual energy in too long. But he's not here to give, he's here to take – beg if he has to, borrowing what little is left to heal Xue Meng's wounds. A bloody hand grabs the other's wrist and a faint frown wrecks his collected expression. Without a core, it will be costly, but it has to be enough to mend the worst parts.

❝ Focus on my voice, ❞ he rasps, stubbornly swallowing the sickening taste of iron. A shudder rakes him with a force too brutal to contain. What if he doesn't return? ❝ Didi, don't fall asleep just yet. ❞

#assortedsouls #v: 0.5

𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆: @assortedsouls — XUE MENG

Xue Meng had pressed himself and his horse as much as he could. The horse was clearly exhausted, but the rider looks even worse: face drained of colour and gaze unfocused. The young man is swaying, but looks towards Chu Wanning, like he just noticed him. "Shizun..." he says in a low, but desperate, voice. Looking like he's about to retch, Xue Meng spits out a mouthful of blood before his body starts sliding to the side.

THE BAMBOO GATE of Red Lotus Pavilion is always unlocked – a secret known only to few, a taunt that never became a temptation. He'd wait for weeks in silence for that gate to screech open, for the dog to howl in a mix of wild joy and anxiety, for the familiar heavy footsteps to follow. But it's silent today, and the dog sounds half-crazed.

❝ You— ❞ a shocked gasp falls as he rushes towards Xue Meng without much time offered to take it all in, to allow the realization to finally dawn on him. He catches his former disciple in his arms, the half-conscious body is too heavy, and his arms too weak to support it, but it's purely instinctive to hold on for as long as he can. ❝ Xue Ziming, don't you dare pass out now! ❞ an angry voice snarls as Wanning helps the man up, leading him towards the pavilion.

❝ Water, ❞ he demands once inside, ❝ and a towel. ❞ The maid looks terrified, but she only has a split second to crack under her master's burning gaze. Mumbling something about his majesty – a problem for him to deal with later, once Xue Meng is fine, once it's all over. A cold palm brushes against the man's forehead, to soothe rather than help, after helping him sit down – there's nothing he can really do other than offer a brief respite. Spitting out blood spells damaged meridians, an issue he can no longer fix, an issue no one here can fix anymore.

And then it comes, the shockwave of finally coming to grips with reality: if Xue Meng somehow made it here, who the hell is Taxian-jun fighting? If Xue Meng is here, wounded and exhausted, then...

The restless heart inside him howls madly in sync with his useless protector outside.

❝ Why... why are you here? ❞ is all Chu Wanning can manage. After years of separation, the unspoken agony shared between master and disciple, it's all he can put into words before giving away the sudden horror at the possible answer.

#assortedsouls #v: 0.5 #now everyone's suffering yay

Hi there. I came across this tiktok recently by @/cicilovecheese who is an ex danmei author herself and she revealed that meatbun is a school teacher irl who made inappropriate comments about her underage student who, according to her, looked like mo ran in 2018. this information deeply disturbs me. there are screenshots of it too from the website zihu i think but since the posts itself are gone there's no way to 100% confirm if this is true but the screenshots do look sort if legit. do you know anything about this? i love erha so much and this deeply concerns me.

hi, anon! i can’t provide any info on this for two reasons: a) i don’t use any social media other than private messengers and b) when i enjoy the content someone created, i rarely get interested in the creator’s personal life.

that being said, as far as i understood from the scarce mentions in author’s notes and whatnot, meatbun works/worked in healthcare? again, i don’t have any specific information on this as i’m just not interested in anything other than the novels themselves. and the way i see it, the book doesn’t have anything to do with the author’s personality, much as any other creators vs their creations. you’re still allowed to enjoy the content even if its creator is proven to have messed up, which in this particular case is apparently not exactly so.

i hope this gets my point across. sorry i wasn’t able to answer the question.

#ooc.#anon.#ask to tag

happy birthday to me, ig.

#ooc.#and all i got was extreme neck pain

assortedsouls

Xue Meng isn't always very good at noticing things, but he does notice that his Shizun approves of him, of his success. The boy beams like the sun, or as Mo Ran would say: fanning his tail feathers like a peacock. It's true that he is a proud and arrogant boy, but those feelings are not unwarranted. He is skilled and hardworking, has good cultivation and swordsmanship. It doesn't help that he is a pretty boy and deeply loved and cared for by his parents. Even the cold Yuheng Elder looks at him with a hint of softness sometimes, like he does now, and a hand that briefly rested on the top of the boy's head. It might seem minor for an outsider, but this little sign of praise from his Shizun will fuel Xue Meng for some time, not wanting to bring shame to him.

There's a light blush across his cheeks, if it's only the exertion or added to by the gentle chiding is unknown, but he does lower his head a little. Xue Meng hadn't intended to yell, it had just happened, but he's also a rather loud person. Not a shock for anyone who has ever met his father, Xue Zhengyong is not a subtle person.

He's about to protest about the break, he isn't tired yet, but when Chu Wanning tells him to sit with him, he can't deny that, even if he doesn't think he needs a break. He can do all those thousand times right now! Had he know what his Shizun had just been thinking, and who he'd been looking for, Xue Meng would've bristled and started a rant about his mongrel of a cousin. So disrespectful and shameless! Yes, yes, he'd had a rough upbringing, but by now he should've started to shape up! Or at least Xue Meng thinks so.

But now, he doesn't know what his Shizun just thought about and Mo Ran isn't in his mind. Instead he hesitantly sheathes his sword. "Yes, Shizun," he replies, even though anyone with eyes can see that all he wants is to continue training.

tiianwens

IT'S IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS that he truly despises himself for this tainted gentleness, easily chased away by worry. Chu Wanning wondered many times about the other elders – some of them took hundreds of disciples under their wing, yet the distance that seems to grow wider and wider between him and Mo Weiyu doesn't leave much space for warmth to share with the other two. Haven't they earned the right to have a better shizun?

❝ Sit, ❞ he says at last, patting the mats spread out on the ground. How could he not be aware of Xue Meng's tendency to exert himself just to win more praise and claim hard-achieved perfection? Elegant hands push the flowing white sleeves aside to pour some tea into two cups. After a moment of consideration, Wanning reaches into his robes to take out a white unembroidered handkerchief and offer it to his disciple to wipe the sheen of sweat from his forehead. ❝ You can't walk a thousand li in one step, ❞ he adds then, a warranted reminder. ❝ Nor can you expect to do so in a day. Even the best of things are only good in moderation. ❞

A cup is raised to his lips, the aroma of freshly brewed tea soothing the raging anxiety just enough for a soft sigh to fall. ❝ Have you seen Mo Ran around? I didn't see him in Mengpo Hall this morning. ❞ A rather pathetic attempt to make the question sound as matter-of-fact as possible fails miserably by his own standards, but there is always hope that Xue Meng, who always trusted his shizun's judgement, won't notice. The most likely whereabouts of his third disciple are unthinkable – the mere idea of it makes him purse his lips in pained contempt. It's always been much easier with Xue Ziming – even if he doesn't heed his words and ends up exhausting himself through relentless training, the little phoenix won't lose his way.

#assortedsouls #v: sisheng peak — 1.5

𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆: @assortedsouls — XUE MENG

"Shizun! Did you see? I did it!" Xue Meng yelled enthusiastically, having managed to do the sword form perfectly for the first time, having practiced it for some time without full success until now. Of course, once isn't enough, he knows that, but he can't help the warm feeling of achievement spreading in his chest.

THE SMILE TUGGING at the corners of his lips is, perhaps, too frail to even be noticed – if Chu Wanning didn't feel proud of his disciples' achievements, it was only because he never took any credit for them. But the warmth of shared excitement still swells in his chest, unbeknownst to the outside world, even though the only acknowledgement that comes out is a soft hum and a hand that rises rather awkwardly to rest on top of Xue Meng's head for a moment.

❝ If you keep yelling like that, how can you breathe properly during practice? ❞ he chides in an even voice. ❝ Take a break before you continue. You'll only master it once you've done it perfectly a thousand times. ❞ Some poorly hidden gentleness still creeps into his gaze, so he turns to look around – it would be a rare occurrence to see Shi Mei out in the training grounds, but the absence of Mo Ran brings a frown to his suddenly clouded expression. The prodigal disciple's frequent disappearances never brought any good news when he finally came back, and expecting a different outcome this time is nothing but wishful thinking. He almost wants to ask if he ever returned, but what kind of shizun would he seem like then, if he can't figure out where his student is off to?

❝ Come, ❞ Chu Wanning says at last, his frown slowly making space for his usual unreadable expression. ❝ Sit with me for a while as you rest. ❞

#assortedsouls #v: sisheng peak — 1.5 #mengmeng is shizun's precious i'm so soft rn

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