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@timeeveryoneneedstime-blog
April 2, 2015
I feel like I’m dreaming. Floating in my own little world. Blue-er than blue sky’s, Darker than dark nights, Stars like no one has ever seen. Sometimes it’s okay to dream, But when you come crashing down, Nothing hurts more, Nothing is more scary, Nothing’s as you want it to be. And as hard as it is to accept it, You have to. You have to be able to let go, You have to say its okay, I have to open my eyes, And stop dreaming.
March 29, 2015
I saw her today, I saw the person I have seen in years. The only person I promised myself I would never see again. I saw myself as the 14 year old I was, I saw a little part of myself come back. Im so afraid I'll end up like that again. I dont want it. I have to find something to occupy myself so I dont have to focus so much on myself anymore. Over the past five days, I've done a lot of thinking, because I'm always working or at school, I never allow myself time to think, but because I was a Lon most of time, I did a lot of thinking. I'm rewriting my script. I'm not going to be her again. I'm not going to continue to be this person that I am now. I truly do hate myself. I hate the way think. I hate that I think about the worse. I hate that I make myself mad over the things I think about. I hate my own thoughts. I hate that I hate myself so much. But I see all the wrong I've done and how I cant take any of it back. And I know that there is nothing I can do about it. But I do not want to be this person anymore. I'm changing. I'm changing my life. I'm changing everything I can about myself. I can feel thw disguste in my stomach every time I do or say or think about something I shouldnt. And I'm over it. I'm done. This is the end.
March 26, 2015
Somedays are harder than others. Which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, Because I’m the happiest I could ever be, I mean, I’m sitting in the living room with my whole family and watching movies but somethings just eat me up, slowly and before I know it, I’m crying my eyes out.
March 25, 2015
I just want to scream and yell.
March 18, 2015
So much has happened in thirteen days. It’s like a life time but just two weeks. I don’t know even know where to start. Getting out of bed is still the hardest thing that I do every day. It is getting easier though. Eating is still my biggest challenge. I don’t do it. I don’t because there’s not enough time in the day. Because running on nothing feels better than eating. Although, now I do eat more. I do find five minutes in my day to shove something down my throat. It gets worse when the sun goes down. When I’m on my way home from work, and I find myself stopped at the beginning of the frontage road, I shut my lights off and push the gas to floor, hopping that a car will come out in front of me and stop me, hopping that I will see red and blue flashing lights behind me. Something to slow me down.
None of those things ever happen though, something did happen today, something that I can’t explain. Something that has prevented me from driving so fast, that will always prevent me from driving fast.
I was going home from school today, when I took a turn and decided that I would get it out of my system and just start going, as soon as my foot hit the gas the station on my radio changed, and His song came on.
That’s when I said I need to stop. I need to slow down and fix my problem. So, that has been my challenge today.
But when I drive something just comes over me and I have to go fast. And it’s not easy to stop.
March 5, 2015
As bad as I woke up this morning today was not as bad as I thought, or imagined, it to be. I can still feel the burning inside. I can still feel the pain. I can still feel the constant lump in throat. I can still feel how much I want to just fall on my knees and let everything take over. But I'm so much stronger than that. I'm so much better than that. So why does it hurt so bad? If I can only have one question answered I want it to be that one. I would like it to be that one. Why does it hurt so bad? I dont know why me. I dont get it. I guess I just push my big girl pants on and fight through it. Because there's nothing else I can do. I want to stop. I want it to be going. Done and over with.
March 5, 2015
Ive given up. I can’t fight it anymore. It takes too much. I dont know how to just keep my head up and push through anymore. It was easy at first but not anymore. I have to give in and let it finally hit me for good this time because I cant keep hiding it.
March 3, 2015
The sad part of all of this is I dont even believe in myself anymore.
Feb. 28, 2015
Everyone says they will listen, Everyone says they will be there for you, Everyone says they will love you no matter what, Everyone can say all the most meaningful words they can think of, but what do they really mean? Will you really listen? Will you always be there for me? Will you love me no matter what? How can I be sure? How can I reassure myself I will always have someone? Because right now, at this moment, I feel like going. I feel like leaving and never saying good bye. I feel like going and never looking back. But I can't do that. I still have people who need me. People who need me more than I need myself. I have all these amazing wonderful people around me all the time, yet I still avoid them at all cost. I still try to hide in the crowded hallways at school. I still tell them I feel sick so I'm going home. Or I'm staying home from school because I'm sick. I have these amazing people wonderful people around me all the time, yet I still feel empty. Like something is missing. Like someone took me and tore me apart. Like I'm all alone. I guess in the end, you are alone. That's most terrifying thing of all. Knowing or feeling you're alone all the time. Knowing or feeling you're alone now more than ever. I have all these amazing wonderful people around me all the time, yet I still feel so alone.
Feb. 27, 2015
This is the second day this week that ive stayed home from school. My mom thinks its because I'm sick. My friends think its because I'm sick. But in all honesty, its because I cant find the courage to get of bed. Because I just roll over in bed after my mom talks to me. Because I dont want anything to with kids at school. Because I dont want to go to lunch with my friends. Because my whole body hurts all day long. Because all I want to is cry all day long.
Feb. 25, 2015
I really dont get it. I want to be okay. I want to be able to go to lunch with my friends with out feeling like a tag along. I want to be able to feel like im wanted around. I dont want to race to the door without anyone seeing. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Feb. 22, 2015
Im going crazy. Things are getting harder. Not easier. When I cant stop thinking about the way I feel who fucked I am. I think about the times with her The times we've laughed. I want nothing more than what she wants. I want nothing more. But im scared. Im terrified. Of the things that could go wrong Of the things I think about Why everyone else before her didnt work How im so fucked up How its going to hurt her one day And I dont mean for it to I want nothing more than to just love her And I do But the same reasons as before. One day she'll see the real me. And im scared.
Feb. 18, 2015
Being okay comes and goes. Being okay for me is not having a knot in my throat all the time. Being okay is not wanting a cigarette five minutes. Being okay is wanting to stay home. Being okay is laying in bed without crying. Being okay is not using this blog. Obviously I'm not okay. Im sorry.
Feb. 18, 2015
Wow, I’ve gotten really bad a putting a smile on my face.
Feb. 17, 2015
I am more okay than I expected to be today. That has been happening a lot more lately. I find myslef more and more ok with the I feel. Yeah, some days are harder than others to get over. But I just push through, but today is different. Today I feel okay. I havent felt like this is a very very long time.
Feb. 10, 2015
Because I don’t questions.
Jan. 31, 2015
I remember this day like it happened yesterday. I was in the either grade, it was snowing, they deemed it as an inside day. The only person I trusted was in the library. I was sitting at the top of the bleachers in the gym, texting my mom asking her how he was doing. Her first responds was " Are you a school?" Yes I was. She said she would call me after school. I continued to ask her how he was doing. She wouldn't saying anything but He's resting. When she said that I knew something was wrong. I tried to keep my mind off of it as long as I could. It wasn't until after school when on my way home I was sitting in my pampo's truck waiting to get home so I could call my mom when I found out. My pampo parked the truck in the drive way and he stopped and looked at me and said "I'm sorry honey". That's when I knew. I knew he had left. I walked in the house and my nana said to listen to the voice mail. I did and right there in the middle of the kitchen I fell to my knees. The voice mail said that he left in his sleep. I miss him so much. I never gave him the last thing he wanted, and that's what hurts the most.