TIMELESS

Areli 

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

Music a form of healing. When you listen to music, you feel visible, you feel heard, and you feel as though someone knows exactly how you are feeling. I have a couple pictures of him, who passed away, in my room with a candle. I stare at it, I speak to it, and I feel as though he is there with me, yet at the same time it makes me feel lonely and empty. I cannot describe the feeling that arises in my soul. This feeling makes me want to shrivel up and disappear with him, wherever his soul is. One of the reasons why I feel this way is guilt. I have this overwhelming sense of guilt. My Guilt includes not saying goodbye, my negative actions for hurting his feelings, not making him happy, not being there for him when he needed it most, not being able to take away his sadness, and especially guilt that it was him and not me. 

Thus, this gives me another feeling of love. The power of loving someone and them loving you gives you courage. I know that when he was around, I gained so much courage! I had the courage to stand up for myself and courage to love deeply and chase my dreams. Now, I am left feeling powerless and guilty. Demi Lovato has another song that speaks to this feeling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlqZmvaKCtw

While people continue living a joyful life during this season, I continue seeing everything in a grey color. I feel as though I am standing in a huge crowd, bumping shoulders with strangers, staring the way life goes on like nothing. 

Today my therapist told me something I want to share with all of you, she said, “Do not stay in that spot. Yes, you’re sad and want to listen to sad music but don’t. Listen to happy music that will make you feel empowered because the more you make that part of your daily life, the more depressed you become. Start talking to people and tell them how you feel, tell them why you are avoiding them.” 

I am proud to say that I came to see a friend I had been avoiding and I apologized for ignoring them, for not answering their text messages. I told them I just don’t want to talk about it because talking about it makes it real. When I go home, I see his picture, and I don’t want to cry anymore. My soul feels lost and numb. I am exhausted. My body is exhausted. 

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

From Pain to Power

The topic of sexual assault is a delicate one. Sexual assault has negative effects, such as PTSD, self harm, sexually transmitted diseases, eating/sleeping disorders, and suicide. America is currently talking about sexual assault because of the Harvey Weinstein allegations; however, many are not speaking about the sexual violence that occurs daily: “Countless farmworker women across our country suffer in silence because of the widespread sexual harassment and assault that they face at work. Even though we work in very different environments, we share a common experience of being preyed upon by individuals who have the power to hire, fire, blacklist and otherwise threaten our economic, physical and emotional security. We understand the hurt, confusion, isolation and betrayal that you might feel. We also carry shame and fear resulting from this violence. It sits on our backs like oppressive weights. But, deep in our hearts we know that it is not our fault. The only people at fault are the individuals who choose to abuse their power to harass, threaten and harm us, like they have harmed you” (http://time.com/5018813/farmworkers-solidarity-hollywood-sexual-assault). 

Farm worker womxn have the least to gain and even more to lose because they are working to support their families. Regardless of the harassment they receive at work, they continue to put up with it, not because they enjoy it but because they have no choice. Sadly, it is a “normal” act to harass females in the fields.

This photo represents the stigma behind sexual assault. Victims are survivors.   Angela Lansbury is an actress who still believes womxn are to blame, which is NOT true. In the wake of these allegations, it is upsetting to still see womxn like Lena Duhman and Angela Lansbury defend the patriarchy and blame the victim. While there are rare cases of a female lying, it is extremely rare. Stanford has done research that shows that about 2% of cases are false. 

Moreover, there are hundreds of females being raped daily who are not reporting because they are embarrassed, ashamed, or may not even remember and are afraid of being questioned. This happens because when an officer questions you, they may turn these questions around to make you seem at fault. Every female is entitled to know they are powerful! Yes, we will cry and experience pain, but it is about how we overcome these events, how we rise. The words on her shirt “Girl Power” are meant to signify the power that womxn have, the strength that arises when females unite. It is disappointing when females turn on other females because to be a female is difficult, especially when you are a marginalized female. Womxn of color with a disability or mental illness are oppressed even more because they are put down, so not is the time for womxn to unite and stand up for those without a voice. The future is female!

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

For those of you who are not aware of the Brock Turner case, the rapist received 6 months in jail. The victim, on the other hand, is left to deal with this traumatic event for the rest of her life. It is upsetting to hear people blame the victim. 

The victim may already blame herself, so it is truly sad when society suggests a victim “asked” for it or question why they waited so long to speak up. 

Rape Trauma Syndrome is the medical term given to the response that most survivors have to rape( Rape Crisis. Org). I can speak from personal experience that reading and listening to this letter makes me cry and it reminds me why people do not talk about rape and report it.

 While at church, I had to listen to a female speaker speak about the #metoo movement, not in a positive light though. She blamed the females. She said that we should all take note and dress differently. She said this was the reason why “we” as women should not drink. She suggested that it happens to women because we are doing something wrong. As she said all these things, I sat there shocked. I held back tears, but then I became happy for her. I was happy she had the privilege of never being raped. She was privileged for never having to be asked millions of questions. She was privileged for never having to stand naked while being photographed by nurses. 

I would like for everyone to recognize that there are psychological symptoms that are not visible to society, to close friends, even to the victim’s family. The trauma that comes with being raped is unimaginable, and everyone is different and responds differently. It is about time that more people realize this is happening and victim blaming should and needs to stop. Lets begin to teach people Not to rape because they are solely responsible for sexual violence. 

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

Having a Hard Time?

Yes, I feel like my world is upside down. I am deeply saddened by losing someone and even the fact that I cry spontaneously because I can’t help that any little thing triggers me. This quote by C.S. Lewis resonates with me because I wish people would stop asking me how I'm doing. 

 “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me” (C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed).

Nevertheless, I have come to discover many resources on campus because my Professors are and have been kind enough to reach out and refer me to a case manager. 

A case manager helps students connect to various campus resources like academic advising, counseling, financial aid, career planning, etc.

One crucial resource that is beneficial to students is Student Health and Counseling Services. I encourage all students to utilize this campus resource!!! They can be reached via healthE message or by calling 530-752-2349. Urgent mental health care services are available on a drop-in basis at the Urgent Care Clinic on the first floor of the Student Health and Wellness Center during normal hours of operation. 

Another resource is your Dean's office! Contact them or set up an appointment if you have any questions about your academic standing or academic concerns about this quarter.

Below are names and phone numbers (all area code 530) that can be helpful:

Women’s Resource and Research Center  752-3372 http://wrrc.ucdavis.edu/

LGBTQIA Resource Center  752-2452 http://lgbtqia.ucdavis.edu/

Services for International Students and Scholars (SISS) 752-0864 http://siss.ucdavis.edu/

AB540 and Undocumented Student Center 752-9538 http://undocumented.ucdavis.edu/

Transfer/Reentry/Veterans Center 752-2200 http://success.ucdavis.edu/trv/

Center for Advocacy Resources and Education (CARE) 752-3299 http://care.ucdavis.edu/

Student Disability Center 752-3184 https://sdc.ucdavis.edu/

Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drug Intervention Services (ATOD)  752-6334 https://shcs.ucdavis.edu/services/atod

Cross Cultural Center       752-4287 http://ccc.ucdavis.edu/

Harassment & Discrimination Assistance And Prevention Program (HDAP)  752-9255 http://hdapp.ucdavis.edu/

UCD Police   752-1230/911 http://police.ucdavis.edu/

If you are concerned about a student, Please let someone know. Share your concerns by Filing a report at http://sja.ucdavis.edu/

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

Finding Peace

While I was at the memorial service, the pastor brought said something that truly resonated, she said, “Who in here has suffered?” we all raised our hands. She replies, “well, he is no longer suffering and that should give you all some peace of mind. Here is a poem that was given to us; I loved it and hope it helps :)

While I have been finding ways to heal, forgive, and learn how to deal or react with this, people have given me permission to feel. Their permission and love has assisted in accepting my feelings.

My therapist told me about the stages of grief and how it is completely normal. For anyone going through a loss, or knows someone grieving, here is a list of the stages of Grief that I hope will help anyone. Remember your feelings are totally valid.

 Stages of Grief:

SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

ANGER- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

 BARGAINING- You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

I want to emphasize that if you are trying to console someone, do not tell them “don’t be sad” or “get over it.” Instead, if you are unaware of what is appropriate, just hug them and tell them you are there for them. Many times people do not need an eloquent answer, they just need to feel loved. 

[timelesscreatingtimelessstuff]

WHAT IS LIFE AFTER DEATH

These past couple of months have been a real whirlwind. Honestly, this summer I had to deal with an foreseen, devastating life changing incident: a sexual assault. Now, I am having to deal with losing a loved one. He wasn’t just someone I loved, he impacted my life. He dramatically changed my life, which is why I am dying inside. 

First of all, I want to felicitate every single person that is still living after experiencing losing someone. I cannot even fathom how people do it because I feel like my life will never be the same, which brings up thoughts about death..

When people look at me and expect me to be joyous because they’re used to seeing me this way, it forces me to repress my feelings; yet it is upsetting because it is already difficult getting out of bed so I would rather avoid everyone. Also, few people have been around me when I randomly tear up, and their solution is to “fix me,” but don’t fix me. Please do not assume I'm angry when I avoid everyone. Moreover, please do not say “how do you feel?” because I don’t know how I feel! Second of all, do not say “you will be okay.” I probably will be okay five years from now, but at this moment, I just want to curl like a fetus underneath my blankets. And, I know many people feel like hugs are a way of expressing love, while they may be, but hugs make me want to cry. Since I'm not usually expressive of my feelings, hugs make me numb because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. Like I do cry hysterically? Do I get mad because I will never hug him again? Sometimes I feel as though I’m supposed to console the person hugging me. 

My therapist told me that a person goes through many stages of grief and handed me a pamphlet regarding dealing with loss. I question why, why do people die? why do people rape? I know it’s the circle of life, it just hurts. It kills me to know that I will never hang out with them again, that we will never be in the same room. I miss him. 

My passion is to help myself by finally speaking up and letting some of my guard down. Plus, I want others to know they are NOT alone and dismantle the notion that, as womxn, we should remain silent and wear a happy mask.

I want to reiterate that it is okay to feel; your feelings are completely valid and you have the right to be sad, angry, or disappointed. 

No, I am not happy and I will not be silent. “You cannot find peace by avoiding life” 

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/education/story/virginia-woolf/1/579035.html