i am too young to be this sad & too old to be this naïve

SELECTIVE GHOST!JACK / NSFW CONTENT / 02.6.18 / HAUNTED BY Z

[timidghcst]

         pewsnews‌: *   ⁎  ✰

     he nods along to what jack is saying. he wants to convince himself that jack means what he is saying – it’s okay. they’re okay. everything will be okay. he finds himself repeating these phrases more often, and believing them less each time.

     felix can tell something is off with jack, but at this point he doesn’t know how to approach it. he isn’t sure if his boyfriend would even want his help with whatever is going on. he isn’t sure of much anymore.

     he finds himself unwilling to change his clothes as well, not even bothering to consider what he changed into when he left. he wants to hold him, to lay down and stay in that moment with him.

     “ yeah, that’s fine … ” the youtuber lays down, pulling the blanket over him. he watches jack for a moment before moving closer, arm wrapping around him.

     “ goodnight, seán. i love you. ”

     The second the hold is offered, Jack happily returns it. Burying his face into the other’s chest, ignoring the sickly sweet smell of alcohol, arms moving around the other tightly. He almost feels sick with how everything had been going lately. He didn’t want to lose him. He couldn’t stand the thought of that. He was everything. He considers that fact alone is probably why he has been so lenient. So willing to put up with whatever was going on to avoid the risk of a breakup. But, he won’t say he hasn’t considered it either.

      A small part of him thinks it would be best. Whatever’s going on with himself, he doesn’t want to drag Felix along with him for this ride, but the rest of him knows that he can’t. He loved him. They could make it through whatever this was. Fingers dig into the fabric of the other’s clothes.

               ❝ I love you too. So much. Goodnight, Felix. ❞      It’s a shaky murmur, and he’s holding back tears as worries continue to spiral around his head. What if they weren’t really okay after all of this?

[timidghcst]

           pewsnews‌:‌ ‌  *   ⁎  ✰

     a warmth spreads in his chest as jack’s hand grabs his, taking a moment to process it was happening and where they were going. it felt like he was awake but everything in his brain was being put through a heavy fog he can’t get out of. he follows alongside him quietly, hand holding his for some sort of reassurance they were okay.

     “ … i know ... i don’t - ” his breath hitches as the urge to cry quickly overwhelms him. he purses his lips, falling silently for a moment.

     after a deep breath, he whispers,

     “ i don’t know what’s gotten into me. i don’t have any explanation for you ‘cause i don’t … even remember leaving, i just … i know it sounds ridiculous. but i didn’t do this. ”

              ❝ It’s okay, love. ❞      It’s not. Jack accepts his words to easily, brushes them aside like everything was fine like he was just saying he forgot to buy milk or something. They could go and get it in the morning. But they wouldn’t. And he’s not sure how to help this habit.

     Despite all this, his words strike uncomfortably in his head. A hiss of static, a whisper, it only lasts a split second and he’s wondering if he imagined it before it once again goes ignored. He’s too tired to process what it could mean. What Felix could me. Of course, he was the one doing this. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s probably just trying to cover his ass.

      He doesn’t bother getting changed. He just wants to sleep and hold the other and be held, so he just leads him over to the bed, climbing under the covers.              ❝ Let’s talk about it in the morning, okay? I’m tired, I don’t want to get angry because of that. ❞ 

[timidghcst]

          pewsnews‌: *   ⁎  ✰

     jack’s tone finally seems to hit him, and he knows he can’t keep pushing this conversation. it was his inevitable flaw - his insistent stubbornness telling him to be right rather than to pay attention to others. he takes a moment to sort out his thoughts, try and figure out a way to avoid continuing this conversation.

     “ no - no, jack, i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have persisted like that. ” he pauses, a hand moving up to rub his temples. 

     “ but you shouldn’t get your hopes up. i’d have to make a deal for some way to interact with you, i’m sure, and i’m stupid but not stupid enough to make that same mistake twice. i’d suggest looking for some friends on your plane of existence, maybe. ”

     It’s a strong blow that hits him like a truck, having to stop himself from physically flinching because of it. His thought process switching rather quickly. Yeah, he was being dumb. He was being naive to hope for such things. He was dead. He wasn’t going to get a happy ending. His ending was a knife to his neck and bleeding out on his apartment floor.

     He almost apologizes again, but simply bows his head. Fingers picking at each other awkwardly. He shouldn’t ask the other for anything. He already gave so much just to get here.            ❝ I... I know. ❞      Jack murmurs lowly. He has to stop himself from getting of topic again. From mentioning how he just wanted to go back to before he died and they were friends still, but it remains on his tongue, like most of his thoughts.          ❝I’ll try find someone. ❞      He doesn’t want to bother him anymore after all.

[timidghcst]

           pewsnews‌: *   ⁎  ✰

     he has a hard time listening to jack speak - the room is spinning and he’s focusing on keeping himself upright. god - he knows he needs to work on his alcohol intake, but … he doesn’t get blackout drunk like this. he doesn’t even remember leaving, or why, or anything about the evening. it’s hard to think about anything at all. he’s going to feel like shit in the morning - more than he already does now for leaving jack.

     hearing that jack was waiting for him pulls at his heartstrings. felix has no idea how late it is. he should have gone to bed without him; he knows the kind of sleep his boyfriend gets and it isn’t pretty. admittedly, the same is beginning to go for him, but never as bad as jack’s so it’s not something he wants to make a fuss about. 

     where did he go? lord only knows. he feels like any answer to that question is going to sound like such bullshit. 

     “ ah - you’re right. it’s been far too long. c’mon, let’s get to bed, ” he speaks, trying to avoid any slurring of his words as he begins to make his way down the hall - cautiously, though, still feeling tension in the air. 

     Jack’s tired but not oblivious. His question is avoided and it makes him all the more anxious. Thoughts spiralling further into the depths that he struggled to stay afloat in normally. It’s dark, and heavy down there and adds weight into the bottom of his lungs. Breathing’s hard. He’s almost worried that he’s going to have a panic attack, but a check of his physical body and he realizes his breathing is fine. It’s just in his head. Like always. He’s still so scared. What of Felix was slipping through his fingers?

      He’s drunk. He knows despite the weight under his eyes, the ache in his bones. He reads it loud and clear, and the second he’s aware, he can almost smell it from him too. He can’t bring himself to bring it up, but disappointment and fear strike his chest in lighting once again. How can he help? How should he help? They don’t have any booze in their house, as far as he knows. Maybe he should check next time he’s out. That’ll cut off one supply.

     Finger’s twitch uncomfortably, popping his wrist with the force of the spasm, but it all goes ignored. Every red flag goes under the mat as he simply takes the other’s hand, wordlessly. He just wants to know he’s here. With him. Even if it’s only physically. From there, leading him to the bedroom.            ❝ ...It’s almost two and you’re drunk. ❞      He simply states barely above a murmur as he wanders at a slow pace to make sure the other was okay with his footing. Maybe he wants an excuse. An excuse he can believe rather than face whatever the truth may be.

[jakegyllenhaal]

How's life

i try not to think about it

[fischyplier]

GHOST MARK IS WATCHING YOU

[mcrkipliertv-aaa]

                  Z’S OFFICIAL BLOG ROLL *   ⁎  ✰

@timidghcst   /   private ghost!jack   /    semi active @freckledbats   /   oc multimuse   /   ( trying to be) active @mcrkipliertv   /   iplier multimuse   /   active @cryptbcts   /   multifandom multimuse   /   main blog @powcrhour   /   septic multimuse   /   active

[humbug]

milk // brockhampton

[timidghcst]

      Jack attempts to ignore the overwhelming sense of distress he feels, now being painfully aware of his lingering memories. Worries drowning out every echo of logic he had, with senseless anxieties. What of the forgot everyone? Everything? Himself? What if he turned blank? Like a fresh canvas one had yet to paint on but never gets around to? Simply sitting in the studio corner, being ignored. Wasted money and time on a hobby you forgot about and gave up on. Had everyone given up on him?

      Luckily, Infelix speaks up, forcing him to refocus as much as he can back onto the person in front of him. Describing the videos that were posted, they give a tickle in the back of his mind. A deja vu. But, he might be faking the feeling himself to reassure that he hadn’t lost every single one of his memories yet, despite how foggy they may be. He goes to speak but bites his tongue when Infelix holds up a hand. He almost thought he was going to leave all of a sudden, and a flash of panic raced through him, but he was reassured when he quickly put his phone away again.

     The next question is something he can answer.In his time here, he had watched this universe’s Jack like it was some TV show. Indulging himself in all the aspects of the others life that he, himself now lacked.             ❝ He has the egos. ❞       He answers, arms moving to hug himself tightly. Sudden jealous flaring in him.

                ❝ Henrik saved him here. Marvin’s magic too. I guess he was deemed special enough to get all his characters because I made the same videos they came from but I never had anyone but Anti. ❞

[timidghcst]

     Jack was always quick to act on emotions. To laugh loudly, to scream when angry, to cry when upset. And it had only increased in death. Emotions were all that he had left anymore. His attachments to people, the tears he shed, the anger he felt, the guilt he carried. It all resulted in him feeling real despite everything that convinced him he wasn’t. Drifting through people and things scattered his brain every single time and it took him such a long time to find himself stable again. And there were those moments, he swears he could see the light, something calling for him, but he never found the energy to move towards it. He was just so tired. So. God. Damn. Tired. His mental state only got worse after death.

     He couldn’t give him what he wanted to hear? After all of this, he still can’t return the words. It hurts more than it should. He’d rather he be honest than lie again, but, it still hurts. Tears that had welled in his eyes suddenly falling, and he grips himself tighter, the only physical touch he can reassure himself with.

                ❝ To help? ❞      He finds himself echoing the other’s words, though now unable to meet his gaze. Despite being emotional, he feels like an idiot for crying. He really does. But he doesn’t know what Infelix can say to help ease this pain that was slowly swallowing him whole as he tried to keep himself together for as long as he could.                ❝ I d-don’t know. ❞      Jack finally speaks honestly, voice breaking halfway through even as he tried to keep it together.                ❝ You’re not losing me, I just... you’re my everything right now, Infelix. It’s... scary that I might not be yours. ❞      Voice quiet and shaky, gaze lowered as he speaks. He still doesn’t know what to ask for to help him, to help this situation. He knows he asked him to stay but he... he doesn’t know how he can help now. He just needed time to get his head back together again, to get out of these thoughts. He knows Infelix cares. He wouldn’t have stayed if he didn’t since he doesn’t get anything out of this relationship. There’s nothing to gain when you’re a ghost. No sex, no fame, no nothing. So, he must care if he’s stayed this long, but, his brain tells him otherwise and and tries to drown out that logic.                ❝ S-sorry I'm-- I'm over thinking this, I'm sorry. ❞

[timidghcst]

     Something in him knows that he’s right, the rest of him won’t admit it though. The same part of him that refuses to see the changes the other has gone through since they last were together. Perhaps it was his heart? Protecting himself from the loneliness and sadness and utter uselessness that would come with admitting defeat from the other. Admitting that he was now alone in this universe with nothing here and nothing to return to.

                ❝ S-sorry. ❞      He utters quietly, worried about possibly angering him more.                 ❝ I think I just... thought it’d be nice to have something to look forward to I guess. Just... getting to hang out with you again rather than like this. ❞

[timidghcst]

     There’s still some form of embarrassment in Jack, but it’s being drowned out by everything else in him. He’s so happy right now. Happy and scared and overjoyed and-- just everything all at once. Every good and bad thing. A part of him is worried this is a dream, or that Infelix may not be able to use this form again. That this was the only chance they might get. He’s still worried about it, but, he ignores that thought for now, simply getting lost in the moment again. The kiss to his forehead spreads warmth through him. He’s sure his heart would skip a beat if his was still there. Instead, he just has his emotions and half transparent form.

    A grin is wide on his features, but he doesn’t hesitate any longer, instead, moving his arms to wrap around the other’s neck, leaning on him, head rested against his shoulder, simply surrounding himself with the other’s touch. He’s sure he’s still crying, but he’s okay with it. They were happy tears, no matter how his eyes burned from it.               ❝ I love you, Infelix. ❞     He speaks gently as if worried he was going to scare him away. And to be honest, he was. Speaking the phrase made him worried the other would run sometimes, but right now, he just needs him to know that he has his heart and everything that came with it.

[timidghcst]

                  ❝ Hopeful? ❞     Jack can’t help but repeat his words, confused as to what he means but also entirely ecstatic that his friend has found something to give him that. He himself had lacked it in recent months besides the simple knowledge that he can’t give up, that he has no choice but to keep fighting. He’s painfully aware of wandering eyes, trying to keep track of where focus might be. He has to keep reminding himself that now is not the time for them to pursue anything. As much as he craved the other’s hold or to even kiss again, things were too much of a mess in his life for it to be even remotely okay to bring Felix into it. Again, he still technically has a girlfriend too, despite them not living together anymore.

                  ❝ I’m-uh… glad. ❞     He voiced gently, offering a very hesitant and small smile. After this, he shuffles to the side, opening the door wider in order to invite him in.                   ❝ You can come in if you want. I was just listening to mmusicc. ❞     A white lie slips from his lips as he attempts to ignore the building headache. He’d been sitting here talking to himself, but it’s not like one could just admit that without sounding insane. He doesn’t react to the sudden awkward pitch of his throat, as if completely unaware of these shifting tones. He can barely keep his eyes in focus all the same though.

[yellow-lens]

sleepy cuties  (◡‿◡✿)

[rp-meme-central]

tiredness/sleep related sentence starters

1. “You look tired.” 

2. “I’m so tired.” 

3. “I haven’t slept in days.” 

4. “I’m so exhausted, but I can’t sleep.” 

5. “Maybe you should go take a nap?” 

6. “What does a person have to do to get a little sleep around here?” 

7. “You need to sleep.” 

8. “Why am I so tired? I get plenty of sleep.” 

9. “I can’t sleep until I finish this project.” 

10. “Maybe you wouldn’t be so tired if you didn’t burn the candle at both ends.” 

11. “You can’t fool me. I see the rings under your eyes, and the way you yawn. You’re exhausted.” 

12. “I want to take a nap, but I just can’t sleep during the day.” 

13. “Here, try this. Maybe it’ll help you sleep.”   

14. “It’s late. Why aren’t you asleep?” 

15. “Don’t fall asleep.” 

16. “Are you tired? I’m tired.” 

17. “I told you, I’m not tired.” 

18. “Did I fall asleep?” 

19. “Why are you sleeping in/out/up/down here, instead of in your bed?” 

20. “You passed out from exhaustion.”  

[powcrhour]

          APRIL ;

          hi, hello it is i, z      i know i’ve made a brief post about this already but here’s the bigger more official post for me to reblog across accounts.      im going to be mainly inactive across all my accounts in april. i want to focus on my WIP blogs so i just wanna spend my break crunching down on those. i also think a quick break like this will be nice and i can focus on getting back into other hobbies too bc rn my life is rather vacant besides youtube and writing. it’s lonely and can be very boring. so, i wanna get back into gaming and cosplay ect. if i do end up doing drafts, they will be queued or saved until i come back.            that being said i love you all and if you want my discord to stay in touch hmu in IM’s!!

[timidghcst]

                 ❝ I know I was just— ❞       Jack bites his tongue harshly, cutting himself off. He doesn’t see a point in trying to defend himself. He’s tired. He doesn’t care. Everything he said seemed wrong when he was with Felix now. He’s half tempted to just leave and find Infelix already. He bounced himself between the two of them like a yo-yo trying to keep both relationships stable, trying to keep both of them close. But he seemed to be kidding himself at this point, though he refused to admit it. 

                ❝ Maybe you don’t need a soul to go? I still think you’re a good person. You deserve to go just like anyone. ❞