lady in the street, tinderer in bed

[tindertherapy-blog]

Boy #5: The out of towner

Okay, I might need to preface this post by explaining that I live with two gay guys, who I love very dearly and who bring me great joy and a fair bit of frustration. As any good friends do.

The reason I need to say this, is that they both use the app Grindr. For the sake of brevity, it's a gay version of Tinder. Except gay guys did it first.

Like a lot of other stuff.

So like I mentioned in the last post, my housemate and I had planned to go away for a week, to a beachside area about an hour drive from where we live. On our way there, he decided to make it clear that obviously we both would be using our respective apps while we were away, and if either of us wanted to have someone over, then that would be alright. I kind of laughed it off; I didn't expect to have anyone come over really. I was still thinking about boy #4 at this stage.

Cut to the second day we were away.

I'd started talking to boy #5 the first day when we arrived. He wasn't too far away, and seemed pretty keen to meet up. He'd made it clear that he was after sex, which I didn't mind. I'd much prefer for guys to be upfront about that, instead of acting sweet and nice to get you in bed, and then never speaking to you again.

Okay, so I'm still a little bitter.

Anyway, on the second night I borrowed my housemates car, went and picked up boy #5, and brought him back to where we were staying.

There's that awkward moment where your housemate and a friend are sitting there watching tv and you briefly introduce the guy on the way to the bedroom.

You know, it doesn't have to be awkward. Especially if you're open with your housemates/friends about what's happening. Realistically, you're probably not going to see this guy again. So what does it matter if you introduce him or not? Just get past that and move forward to having sex.

That's me trying to be pragmatic about the whole situation.

So, I already knew that I wasn't going to see this guy again. He was reasonably attractive, but when I met him I just knew he wasn't the kind of guy that I would normally be interested in and would want to see again. Doesn't mean I couldn't try and have satisfying sex.

Okay, honestly, it was pretty good.

I think maybe the saddest thing about my Tinder experiences is how okay I am with having bad sex. I know that sex isn't always going to be amazing and great; sometimes it's average, sometimes it's straight up awful. That doesn't mean I have to be okay with it though. I think I'm allowed to be disappointed, especially when it seems like the guy enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than you did.

Just, you know, some common courtesy and reciprocity wouldn't go astray. Gentleman.

Anyway, so this was a case where the sex was actually pretty good. Not long after we finished, it was time to take him home and send him on his way.

And I haven't really thought about him since.

One of the positives about using Tinder and gaining more sexual experience is being able to acknowledge within myself when I just want a good fuck.

Pardon the vulgarity.

Wait, why are you reading, if you're going to be offended by the word 'fuck'?

Anyway, so for someone as sexually repressed as I can be, this app has gone a long way to making me feel more comfortable about my body and about seeking pleasure. Which is something that I think a lot of women can have issues with.

It's great and everything to find a guy that you love talking to and get along really well with; but it's also really nice to know that someone else finds you physically attractive and wants to have sex with you, even when you don't think you're really that special.

[tindertherapy-blog]

Boy #4: The saga

Boy #4 was a real doozy. Sometimes you can't explain why things went a certain way, and no amount of over thinking can help you understand how you could've done things differently or gotten a better result. We live, we laugh, we love, we get angry, we blog.

So this boy, I'd been talking to for a while. One thing he certainly had going for him was that he was a good texter. You know, the kind of person that more often than not replies straight away and helps keep the conversation flowing. And someone who was happy to text nearly every day just to see how things were and discuss the day. Some of you may shudder at the thought of someone like this, but I welcome it. You really don't understand how bored I can get and how much free time I sometimes have.

So I was talking to boy #4 in the midst of a very busy time of the year where I didn't really have any free time to see people, even my friends and family. So he was pretty keen to hang out, and even asked me to come over to his place one Saturday night. But like I said, I was super busy and there was no way I could justify taking the time out to see someone. He took this alright though, and we continued to text.

Fast forward to the day after boy #3.

It was a pretty quiet day for me. Did some housework and caught up on things, and then went into the city that night to see a show. Headed home after that and got a text from boy #4, seeing what I was up to the night. Well, I planned on getting a earlyish night, because the next day my housemate and I had planned to go away for the week.

Boy #4 had other plans.

He did the whole spiel of saying 'oh yeah, let me know if you're bored, you should come over'. I was umming and ahhing about this. I really enjoyed talking to him, but he lived a 40 minute drive away from me, across the city and through toll roads. Did I really want to go all this way to see him?

Turns out I did.

So I bit the bullet and ventured out around 12:30am to drive to his place to watch a movie and hang out.

Cause don't you know that's the perfect time to do that? Nothing suss.

Arrived at his place and it actually started out alright. Did the semi-awkward introduction with his housemates before we chose a movie and settled on the couch with a glass of wine to watch. About halfway through he asked for me to pass him the blanket, I think we all know where this leads to.

Bingo. Making out on the couch. Which leads to moving to his bedroom. Which leads to sex. At least in this case.

So since I'd had a couple of glasses of wine, I ended up staying the night. Which was actually nice. Some chatting, some spooning, some more having sex. I thought it went quite well, as far as Tinder encounters were concerned.

So then I had to leave earlyish the next morning so I could get ready to leave with my housemate. We were going to be gone for the week, so I wasn't going to have a chance to see boy #4 again until possibly after I got back, But we texted a bit while I was away and things seemed alright. At that stage, he was the only guy that I'd continued to speak to after we had sex. Talk about miracles!

I decided I kind of liked boy #4 and wouldn't mind seeing him again. So after a week of texting back and forth, I suggested we catch up for a coffee or something. He was free on the upcoming Wednesday so I suggested going to see an exhibition that was on. He seemed keen for this, so it was a date.

You'll understand very quickly why I refer to this as the saga.

The night before the date I texted him to check that we were still on and to see what time he wanted to meet, I got a text back saying that he was really sorry but he needed to go into work early the next day to help out, and wasn't going to be able to meet me, raincheck? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and agreed. How about Thursday instead? Sure, got a meeting in the morning, but we can meet after that.

No problem, right?

Problem.

Texted him Thursday morning to once again see when and where he wanted to meet. Got a reply with the following:

Hey there! So I just woke up in a spare room in northcote! Our drinks escalated last night! Might have to raincheck again sorry! I am struggling

Beware the man with many exclamation marks. Not everything needs to look like it's being shouted!

I maintain that my reaction was justified given that he'd cancelled plan twice in a row, and two days in a row. So far, I was the only one putting effort in here.

Okay, well I'm not sure if I have any other free time this week. I'll leave it up to you.

Cease communication.

As far as I'm concerned, I'd put the ball squarely in his court to pursue something with me if he was truly interested.

And there was my answer. In the form of no more texts from him. And eventual unfriending on Facebook.

It wasn't even that I was after a relationship with this guy. I really just wanted to catch up again and see if we could be friends. Maybe more. Maybe not. No expectations whatsoever.

Instead, I've learnt that he was a coward (and actually, most boys are too). I would've been perfectly okay for him to say that he really wasn't that interested and didn't think it was a good idea to hang out. Honesty, I can respect. At least then you know where you stand.

This. This is just shitty.

But it taught me a valuable lesson. No matter how nice a guy seems, and how good it seems to be going, don't get your hopes up.

Not to say that you shouldn't be engaged and let things develop.

Just be aware that even 'nice guys' can be dicks. And they sometimes deserve to finish last.

[tindertherapy-blog]

Boy #3: The booty call

Boy #3. Or as I like to think of him, the one that made me feel better.

So the whole thing with boy #2 was the previous night and I was feeling very shitty about what happened. Confused, annoyed, self conscious, just downright weird.

The next morning I was having a lazy day and lying in bed watching tv and partaking in my new favourite pastime, trawling Tinder. And up pops boy #3.

Cue sweet talk and finding out what I'm up to. Seeing as boy #3 was only 2 miles away, I decided to indulge and suggest we do something. He didn't have a car, but since he lived so close, I drove to his place, picked him up and brought him back to my place.

Yep. Sex happened.

There was a time limit on this meeting though, as I had to meet a friend for lunch not long after, So a quick detour to Subway so he could buy himself some lunch, and then I dropped him off at home.

Sometimes Tinder encounters aren't amazingly satisfying or worryingly disappointing, There will be some that are just average, straight to the point sex. That's okay. That's what I needed that day. The less surprises the better, as far as I was concerned.

Trust me, there will be time for over analysing and freaking out later. Enjoy the simple ones. They are often few and far between.

[tindertherapy-blog]

Boy #2: Boy, interrupted

Ahh, boy #2. So many unanswered questions. So many conflicted feelings.

So about 2 weeks after boy #1, boy #2 came over. I'd chatted to him a little and we'd decided to watch some movies at my place on a Friday night, after I got home from a comedy show. He's the first boy from Tinder that I'd invited over, so I really wasn't sure what to expect from the night. I definitely didn't expect what ended up happening.

I got home around 12 and he came over shortly after that. He had work at 7 the next day, and I'd agreed to let him stay if he wanted to. We went into my room and did the dance of 'oh, what movie should we watch?', eventually settling on Back to the Future. After about 15 mins of discussion. Really, how hard could it be to just choose something? Evidently, very. You don't want to choose something too heavy or depressing, nothing too disgusting or off putting, not a movie you're dying to watch and will be completely engrossed in, nor a movie that the other person will hate and judge you for having in your collection. Back to the Future, I think that's a pretty safe title. Who even hates Back to the Future? People you should never speak to again, that's who.

So we settled in to watch the movie. Just lying in bed next to each other, no part of us touching, staring straight forward watching young Michael J Fox trying to avoid the advances of his mother as a teenager. Can you feel the romantic atmosphere?

So boy #2 decides his big move will be a thumb war. Which, in retrospect, I can understand. It's something light, slightly competitive, and an excuse to touch. Totally worked. I won, thanks to growing up with two younger brothers. We were now holding hands.

Things escalated from there, and then...

To this day I don't really know what happened.

We were in the middle of having sex and everything just stopped. Well. He stopped. It just seemed like he wasn't really that into it. Cut to us, naked, awkwardly lying next to each other, not saying a word. I had to break the silence.

"Is it me?"

"No...I don't know...I'm sort of going through some stuff at the moment."

What. Does. That. Mean.

He asks if it's still okay if he stays. I don't really mind. I'd just like to go to sleep now and pretend this all didn't just happen. But about 30 minutes later he decides that he might as well just go. No argument from me. You can literally feel the heavy blanket of awkwardness in the air, no chance I was going to be able to sleep.

So he gets dressed, grabs his stuff, and I walk him to the door. Goodbye.

I sent him a text a little bit later that read: Won't be offended if it is me. If not, then good luck with everything :/

We'd friended each other on Facebook earlier that week, but the next day I saw that he'd unfriended me. Wasn't particularly surprised. I was happy to just move on and forget about it.

Until.

I woke up one morning a month later and saw that I had a missed called at 2:22am. From boy #2. Remember how I said you should keep their number, just in case? This. This is the in case.

Why was he calling me in the middle of the night, a month later, after we awkwardly almost had sex? I have no idea.

I sent a text that morning: Who is this? Just to see if he'd respond. He didn't. Unsolved mystery.

Then.

Going through messages with friends on Facebook, I see that I have a new message in my 'Others' inbox. You know, the one where Facebook just decides to randomly assign messages to, even if they're from people you're friends with. I open the inbox. Message from boy #2.

Hey. How you been?

How have I been? How have I been? What the hell is this.

I'm pretty short with my answer, but he then says that he's sorry about freaking out that night, and that it's all good now. Still don't know what it was. A conversation and a couple of days later, I still don't know what his purpose of messaging me is.

So many unanswered questions.

[tindertherapy-blog]

Boy #1: You never forget your first

Straight from the outset: no names. Not even going to bother with pseudonyms (too much effort and hard to remember).

So my Tinder adventures begin here. I'd been using it for a week or so, first enjoying it as a game to see how many matches I could accumulate, and as a way to generally just perv on guys. Heterosexual woman here.

I was hesitant to actually meet people at first, which probably defeats the purpose of using the app in the first place. Partly because of the idea of meeting a random stranger, where the assumption is that sex will occur. But I think the bigger thing was the fear of disappointment.

Disappointment that the guy wasn't how I pictured. Disappointment that I wasn't how he pictured. Disappointment that the encounter wasn't enjoyable. Disappointment that we might part ways straight away and I would hate myself. Disappointment in myself.

This is generally how Tinder conversations go, in my experience. This might happen over a day or two, it might happen over 15 minutes.

This conversation taught me my first Tinder lesson: if he uses the word snuggle, he wants sex. Straight up. When has a guy ever used the word snuggle and meant that he just wants to cuddle, hands where you can see them? Snuggle is a word only couples in relationships of 2 years or more should use, when sex isn't your first instinct and you've seen each other naked too many times to count.

So, Boy #1 was interested in having me come over that night to 'snuggle'. I had plans, but they could be ditched early on. Because Tinder isn't completely reliable messaging wise, I asked if Boy #1 had Facebook, so I could add him. This also allowed me to do some Facebook stalking of photos to get a better idea of who this guy was. Facebook stalking. We all do it, just accept it.

Our conversation moved over to Facebook Messenger, but it soon became apparent that he had a game early the next morning and it wasn't the best idea if I came over. No problems, we'd try and meet up the following weekend.

Saturday night came around and it was decided that I would come over around 9:30. Since it was my first Tinder encounter, I didn't know what the protocol was. Do I just walk straight into the bedroom? Do I jump him and start making out right away? Do we talk first and get to know each other?

Turns out we sat on the couch for a bit and watched whatever was on tv. I honestly don't remember. There was a bit of small talk and eventually he put his hand on my leg. Okay, so he's interested. He put his other arm around my shoulders, so I turned a bit so that my back was leaning against his chest. A little bit after, he starts kissing my neck and shoulder, and we're off.

A fairly low key start, but ladies and gentleman, sex occurred.

And then the awkwardness settles in afterwards. Where do we go from there? Should I stay? Turns out he once again had a game early the next day. Looks like I'll be heading home then. It's around 10:45 at this stage.

The awkward goodbye. Why are you trying to kiss me on the mouth? Sure, I'll speak to you later (unlikely). Have a good night (home alone). Thanks (for the orgasm?).

Needless to say, I didn't speak to Boy #1 again. Which was made more uncomfortable by the fact that I still had him on Facebook. What is the etiquette with having a one night stand on Facebook? Do I wait until he unfriends me? Do I unfriend him straight away? Do I continue Facebook stalking for my own amusement?

We are no longer friends.

I still have his phone number though. Tinder lesson #2: keep the phone number. For practicality, so you know who those text messages are from. And in case he decides to call you and you're wondering who it is and whether you should answer.

Spoiler alert. Don't answer.

[tindertherapy-blog]

The story so far (strap yourself in)

I've been using Tinder for just over 2 months. What drew me to it? It's hard to say. Maybe because I'm 23 and never been in a relationship. Maybe because I work and study full time and never seem to have the time to meet guys organically. Maybe because I'm a young woman who just wants to have a lot of sex.

Whatever the reason, I'm now a frequent user. I toe the line between wholly absorbed and cautiously wary. My attitude towards it has changed a lot since I first started, and my experiences have varied from exciting and gratifying, to lackluster and brief.

I'm still trying to decide what I truly want out of these experiences, but I'm slowly realising that...

I don't know. I don't even know.

All I know is that I want to increase my sexual experience and get out of my comfort zone.

And that I'm not a slut. Or a whore. Or a nympho. Or a sex addict. Or anything else that you might want to label me, just because I'm a young woman who has had a number of different sexual partners in a short amount of time.

I refuse to be demonised or chastised for doing what I want with my body.

Two consenting adults. That's it.

[tindertherapy-blog]

Introduction

Let me first preface this blog by saying that I have a lot of issues. Some of them are petty, some of them are fairly major. I've dealt with a few, acknowledged others, and a lot more I've buried deep down inside to be faced further down the track at a time of my (in)convenience.

Some of these issues influence how I approach using Tinder and might explain some of the things I've done during my time spent on the app. However, the main thing I've learnt about myself is that I don't have to explain myself to anyone. Anyone.

What I do is my own personal business.

I know that statement seems to directly oppose the idea of writing down everything in a blog, but if I don't write all this down, I might just go crazy. I talk about some of this stuff with friends and housemates, but one of my issues is an inability to be completely and wholly honest with people about how I feel.

This is therapy. For a Tinder user.