Darkness
"Hey baby..." She whispered with a smile. The feeling of his arm around her waist, the awareness of his body so close behind hers...As always it made her feel content, and the calm it brought gave her the peace of mind she needed to sleep. The slight pressure of his lips on the crown of her head and she sighed, fulfilled and happy.
She had been sobbing uncontrollably, crawled into a little ball on her bed, trying not to shake, her head telling her to stop this nonsense and get up and clean herself up and hold her head up high and be strong. Hot tears running down her face, staining the pillow, while she clenched her fists even harder, driving her nails in to the soft tissue of the palm of her hand. "I can't...I can't do this anymore..." She sobbed in to the darkness, knowing that there was no one to listen, no one who was bothered, that this was her fight. "I don't want to anymore. Someone please make this stop, I can't do this," she whispered, despair taking over and covering her being with a heavy, dark blanket.
Tiredness took over, still softly sobbing she felt sleep creep up and she let it, as so often hoping that maybe this time she wouldn't wake up.
To sleep, maybe dream, even if the endless sleep she craved would not bring her the peace she craved....
That was the first time he came to her.
His weight on the bed, which she hardly registered because she was so exhausted, then his arm around her waist, holding her tightly folded arm, then moving up and finding her clenched fist, right under her chin, and softly wrapping his hand around it. Slight pressure on the crown of her head, as in a kiss, the feeling of his body behind hers...Suddenly at peace, she fell asleep.
When she awoke there was no one. Smiling at the thought of such a real-feeling dream, she got up and looked at her face in the mirror. She still bore the marks of the sadness which overwhelmed her last night, and like every morning she would wash her face and erase every sign of it, covering the dark circles under her eyes with make-up, put on lipstick to mask the paleness in her face and wear her most bright smile. This day would be hers, she would own it and shine as bright as she could. She couldn't stop her mind from adding "and be swallowed by the darkness at night" to those strong affirmations. Time to get ready. Work and the real world were waiting.
That night, and many nights after that, he came back. As always silent, soft, clearly present, right before sleep would take over. She would feel content and fall asleep, only to wake up to an empty spot next to her.
It was a dream, she told herself, her subconscious was keeping her alive and giving her strength by creating this presence, so vivid and strong that it felt real. They were beautiful dreams, and she cherished every one of them. Even the ones that made her body ache and blush in the morning. She couldn't help feeling shy every time she remembered those dreams, the feelings that were so strong, the touch of his hands on her body, his lips on hers...She would hide her eyes behind her hand for a second in embarrassment and then shake the shyness off; it was a dream, she was a big girl, it was normal and no one knew of this. It was her secret to keep, forever. The smile wouldn't leave her face, and she would drown out that little doubting voice in her head by playing her music at the highest volume bearable. Yes, it was strange, yes, it was weird that the same dream and the same person came to her, it was not normal to have these strong and vivid dreams, to have such intimate dreams and there surely must be something wrong because...She shook her head and consciously ignored the voice. She didn't want to know, she didn't want to listen to it, all she wanted was for this to last. It got her through the day, even though the sadness never left her and she would still break down and feel empty, until he would come to visit her. She would smile and continue her day, her life, being as engaging and attractive as she always was. This was her secret and no one was going to take it away from her.
****************
She was rushing home after picking up groceries, while the harsh wind made the heavy rain mercilessly hit her in the face. Head down to try and protect her face from the cold and the rain, focused on the road and getting home as soon as she could, she didn't notice the figure in front of her until he ran up against her, almost knocking her over. "I'm sorry!" he said in a deep voice, as he barely grabbed her hand and pulled her up and close to prevent her from falling. The touch of his body against hers and his hand holding hers....Her heart raced and for a split second she felt out of time and out of place, everything around her felt unreal. She looked up at him, vaguely seeing dark eyes and an apologetic smile, the gushing rain and the harsh wind making it hard to take a good look at his face. He let go of her hand and hastily walked away, leaving her in slight confusion, staring at his disappearing figure until she couldn't see him anymore.
She shook her head. Her imagination was running wild. She picked up her bag, suddenly realizing her apples would be bruised heavily and the eggs were probably beyond saving. Anger crept up and she cursed under her breath, continuing her way home.
The rain and the wind had made her feel cold to her core and she couldn't stop shivering. The first thing she did when she came home was take a long hot shower, not even bothering to unpack her groceries to check the state they were in. As always the scorching hot water made her feel wonderfully drowsy. She laid down on her couch, turning on the tv. A little mindless entertainment, some rest, and then she would cook, she promised herself.
She woke up in her bed, his arm around her and the feeling of his weight on the bed right behind her, against her body. She smiled at the realization that he must have brought her here. This was the first time she was fully awake and conscious while her was with her. She slowly pulled her arm out from under his, and placed it on top, pulling his arm close to her chest and holding it tightly. The darkness in the room made it hard to distinguish anything, but she found comfort in his nearness. She felt the slight pressure from the kiss on the crown of her head and she snuggled in to him, still smiling widely, squeezing her eyes closed and ready to fall asleep again.
"Did the eggs survive?" he whispered.
In a split second she felt her heart skip a beat, her eyes widened in surprise at the sound of that deep voice she had heard earlier that evening, and she turned around.
The night shone her faint light through a small opening in the curtains, right on to the empty spot next to her.
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She felt slightly disoriented when she woke up, raising herself up while she shielded her eyes from the harsh rays of the early morning Sun, that invaded the darkness of her bedroom through the small opening in the curtains. She rested her back against the headboard, and let her gaze drift to the empty spot on the bed, next to hers. She let her hand glide over the blanket, remembering the night before.
His touch, him being so near, the sound of his voice, for the first time, and her shocked reaction to a dream that suddenly became a reality.
Her heart hurt with an intensity she had never felt before.
The day went by in a haze. She felt lost, disoriented, detached from everything and everybody around her. The memories of the past night kept creeping up on her, unexpectedly, making her aching heart hurt even more.
She had just wanted to see him. To know the eyes that looked at her, to see the face those eyes belonged to, to see the lips that had touched hers.
Was that bad? She shivered, knowing that if he had wanted her to see him, he would have made it so. She probably made a huge mistake. What if she had chased him away? What if he would never return?
As much as she loved the night, she feared the one that was coming. The thought of him maybe never visiting her again saddened her, and every time that feeling crept up she scolded herself. Her mind was running wild, of course he wasn’t real, he was a figment of her imagination, something, no someone who only existed in her mind. Still, she couldn’t help the growing feeling of anxiety as the end of her working day neared. A part of her couldn’t wait to rush home, the other part feared going home more than anything.
The commute home had felt like forever, and every time she looked up and saw her stop coming closer, her heart beat faster. She tried to take slow and deep breaths, hoping it would calm her, but to no avail. By the time her stop came and she had to get off the train, she felt nauseous, barely able to walk, let alone breathe.
******************************
He watched her as she walked up to her building.
She seemed more tired than usual, dragging her feet and halting after every few steps.
While he watched her approach her building, he felt that same, sharp sting in his chest again. That same feeling he’d had when he saw her on that one night. That strange feeling of wanting to have her near. To feel her.
He had been feeding off her for some time by then, only while she was asleep of course.
Her pain and darkness had drawn him to her, and he enjoyed how well-nourished he would feel after feeding.
That one night however, she hadn't been asleep yet, and he had heard her.
For the first time he saw her before she fell asleep, while she broke, when all her pain and sadness and darkness covered her.
Her pain had stirred something inside of him, and on a whim he crawled in to her bed, wanting to comfort her.
And he did, to his own surprise.
He felt her body relax when he laid down behind her, wrapping his arm around her, that small sigh of contentment from her, when he pressed a kiss on the crown of her head.
He never thought he would enjoy it, but he did, and he wanted to have her close to him, feel her next to him, even though he had never thought much of that form of affection.
He kept returning to her, even when he had been warned that he could be exposed. And exposure would be a problem.
He soon became used to her. Her sorrow was his joy, and even when he touched her as the lover she lacked, her emotions, her feelings, they nourished him. He liked the familiarity of her, of her body, her senses, the drops of blood he would steal from her, just everything that made her, her.
Everything was so, so good! Until yesterday. When she woke up. And turned around to see him....
Worldly hours went by as fast as heartbeats, and he kept his eyes on her windows. The soft flickering lights from the tv, the faint shadow her body cast when she walked towards the kitchen, as often she hadn't bothered to turn on the lights.
By Witch's Hour he had decided and stood up straight. He would go see her. He had to.
*************
The house had been empty, and even though she told herself that this was nothing out of the ordinary, that everything was the same as always, there was fear, deep down in her heart. She dreaded the moment sleep would want to overtake her. Afraid of the moment when she then would wake up, only to realize he hadn’t visited her, that he had really, truly, left her.
She had fallen asleep on the couch, the tv still on.
There was a faint smile around his lips when he bent over to pick her up, ever so careful and lightly as possible, to make sure she wouldn’t wake up.
Only when he laid her on the bed did he realize that he had held his breath, worried that she might open her eyes, and...Yes, then what?
He looked at her quiet figure for a while, unsure what to do.
He had needed to see her, to be here, but for what?
He frowned lightly at his own indecision, then walked to the other side of the bed and sat down, listening to her calm, steady breathing, wondering what made him come here.
“I never wanted this to happen you know. I only came here to feed, and you were never supposed to even remember me. But you did, and I remembered you. I craved you, and so I kept coming back. I was warned, but of course I was stubborn.”
His tone was pensive, quiet, almost as if he was speaking to himself.
He made himself comfortable against the headboard and glanced at her.
She was still asleep, and this, doing this, telling her this, it felt like something he had to do.
“At first I came because you fed me so well...Your darkness, your deep-felt emotions, it nourishes me like nothing has ever done. They told me this would happen, that I would get addicted and that it would not be good. It wouldn’t end well and I should be careful. And I tried, I honestly did, I was so careful...Until yesterday. Meeting you outside was not intended, and you waking up was...unprecedented. You caught me off guard. I don't know if being here right now is a good thing, but I had to. This is the last time I will see you, and over time you will not even remember me anymore. This...thing between us, it could never be sustained, in no form. I will never be able to give you the light you seek, I myself am nothing but darkness. Without me being here you will find happiness, you will have light, and you will have forgotten all about me.”
He fell silent at his last words, wondering what it was that he felt in his chest, why he felt saddened.
She had been awake, lying there in silence, listening to him, and spoke when he went silent.
"I will never forget you. Your presence healed my shattered heart, even if it was for only a little while. The darkness in me will never fade. Every time it overwhelms me, every time it will want to consume me, I will remember you."
She turned around, her eyes closed, to lie on her back. "I wasn't supposed to be aware of your presence, if I don't see you, then I will not know you. You don't have to worry. I am glad you at least came to say goodbye. Thank you for that."
His initial shock when she spoke and then turned around subsided when he saw her closed eyes, and heard her calm voice.
Part of him was relieved that she took it well, part of him felt a sting.
Was it that easy for her?
Her lips were curled in a smile, and he felt an ache when he realized what she was doing. She was saying her goodbyes.
The pain in his chest was like a tight iron band and he sat up straight, putting his hand on her folded hands which were on her stomach.
She held her breath for the slightest second, then her smile widened, eyes still closed. "Thank you for this final touch."
He didn't know what to say at her distant and formal reaction, and pulled his hand back.
"I'll go now. Be happy."
"Thank you," she replied, with a somewhat muffled voice. He got up from the bed and turned away, leaving the room.
She heard the door close and the silence around her, and after a few seconds she let out a deep sob. Cold tears were streaming down the sides of her face as she laid there, realizing that she was, once again, all alone.
That from now on, once again, there was nothing more than the dark emptiness which would keep her company.
She sobbed uncontrollably, her attempt at keeping it as silent as possible making it even more painful, and turned to her side, curling up in to a ball, screaming in to the pillow she held against her mouth.
The emptiness around her felt heavier than ever, and she wondered if she would ever get through his, how she would ever be able to live normally again.
She was startled by the feeling of the weight of a body behind her, an arm around her waist, slight pressure from a kiss on the crown of her head.
“I’m sorry I left you,” he whispered, and pulled her closer to him.
She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to sound steady through her tears, when she replied. “It’s ok, I will be alright. I always manage. It’s ok to leave.”
She felt him shift his weight, putting some distance between them and for a moment it felt cold again.
“Look at me.”
Her heart skipped a beat at his words, the lump in her throat prevented her to speak, and she froze.
He held her by the waist and turned her around, laid her on her back, closing the space between them again and saw her closed eyes.
“I don’t want you to - ” She was silenced when he put his lips on hers, and when the kiss deepened he felt her body relax, her arms sliding around his neck and pulling him closer.
He liked this.
This need for him.
He liked it.
A lot.
“Look at me,” he repeated, then placed his lips on hers again, holding her close, his embrace tight.
She opened her eyes in the kiss, and looked in to the deepest, darkest oval-shaped pools of nothingness she had ever seen.
Not wanting him to leave, she held on to him in an embrace.
Smiling at her silent despair, he realized he would spend his existence being well-fed.
He stroked her hair and whispered: “This is all you needed, all you needed to see. I’m here. Darkness. It’s all good now.”