2 am

i write to make that little girl feel and tell her it's okay because that's what makes her human.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

—081518 0129 // the world has too many hearts that suffer from what seems like inescapable sadness and we don’t fucking deserve it.

(quote by colleen hoover from her book, confess)

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

im so tired

of being in denial

of being angry

of being sad

of bargaining

of going through grief

over and over and over again

and finding myself at the exact same spot — back in the night of june 30th

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

week 8.

i almost called you.

i started taking sleeping pills.

today was a mix of sadness and anger and love and longing.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

it’s the kind of tired that doesn’t get better with sleep. i read a book today and it said that “happiness and unhapiness alternate throughout life” and we just have to keep going. but the problem is, i don’t think i can take another “unhapiness”. i’m barely surviving the unhapiness i am in now and everyday i am in so much pain and it takes every grain of my being just to make it one more day. just imagining how much more of these i have to endure in life cripples me.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

-your god is unfair. you have your family, your tight circle of friends, your entire church, and all you had to do was say “sorry” to get what you wanted. and i am left in ruins, all alone, and no one knows how difficult it still is to get myself out of bed. no one knows how much conscious effort goes into stopping myself from thinking of you and of what went wrong and of how im difficult to love and be with. no one knows how every day is a constant battle of trying not to breakdown and think of how the world is better off without me. it’s so exhausting and you’re most probably okay. in the comforts of your people. and all you had to do was say ‘sorry’… i wish it was that easy for me, too…

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

you’d think the morning after is the hardest, but it just gets worse from there.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

hi, i’m writing again.

i’m tired of carrying this heavy heart… how long will i have to bear the weight of it this time?

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

stop waiting for life to happen.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

my love, this is still doing your best. you'll be alright, just like how you always do.

-120119 1242  

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

well, sometimes, you just gotta be there for yourself, honey.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

i am running out of things to do to make myself forget all of your broken promises.

—093018 1944

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

it’s the 6th week of him being gone and i think i’m doing fine but every morning i still think about him and feel this sharp pang in my chest. i’m hurting for what we were, for everything we had, for all the promises we both said, and for what we could have been. i miss him, terribly, miserably, excruciatingly. god, how do i forget about him like how he forgot about me?

-093018 0642

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

i don’t have time to make poetry for this but i miss you and nothing’s changed about how i feel about you at all, no matter how hard i tried to convince myself that not being with you, that being this far from you is good for me. it’s not, but it’s been five weeks since we last talked and you seem okay and happy and i am happy for you. good night.

—092118 0012

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

you look okay and happy. that makes me smile.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

my heart hurts. you’re starting to appear in my dreams again and i miss you and you’re really gone and that’s all you’ll ever be now: a memory.

[madelinescatharsis]

There comes a point in life when feeling breathless stops being romantic.

- and so the illusion breaks.

[tinta-ng-bolpen]

it’s another day of waking up to sadness and emptiness at the same time and i don’t know how that is. i can’t even make poetry out of these feelings because i’ve ran out of words just so i can pretend that this could be something beautiful or deep but that’s just how it really is in reality: i’m miserable and lost and i smile in front of all these people because i cannot tell them that i’m starting to have bad days again. i can’t tell them that i still miss him but he’s struggling to fight for someone else now. i can’t tell them that i feel lonely on the nights i spend alone in my dormitory every weekend because i used to be that person who enjoyed solitude. i can’t tell them that i feel lonely because they can’t do anything about it and i do not know how to fill this gaping void in me. and i can’t tell anyone how i badly want to smoke a cigarette, hoping that it would help me breathe and take this harsh reality away from me in each heavy drag.

-090918 0615