Hello, i have an ed

This is my safe space to be mentally unwell :) she/her, 20, 5’3, SW160, CW: - GW: -

[tiny-for-tete2]

okay heres my plan that i am going to try to carry out until next fall

get to 135 through restriction alone (hopefully by the end of july)

once i’ve accomplished that, slightly increase daily food intake and start exercising (start small with daily walks and abs)

slowly transition into an avid gym goer while allowing myself to binge a little when i go out, but only when i go out

rewards for weight loss

im 150 rn and trying to get to 135, so i’m doing small milestone goals to keep me motivated

148 - order some new summer clothes

145 - get a tattoo

142 - get a sugary/high cal drink from starbucks

140 - get a piercing

138 - a binge day, the kind where i get fries and pasta and other cheesy foods that will surely hurt my stomach later

135 - get another tattoo

reasons why i want to lose weight

to FINALLY have the slim thighs ive always wanted

to wear cute skirts and dresses and not worry about flashing people and to look dainty in them

to feel more comfortable about how i look when i dance

so i won’t have to deal with family members making comments about how i’ve gained weight or how i’m going to gain weight if i don’t start exercising

to be pretty

so if i ever get in a relationship i won’t have to worry about them being embarrassed by me

[acutabovetherest]

Feeling cute might just cut my wrists and bleed out

[tiny-for-tete2]

i feel like i should burn myself just bc he probably won’t notice

[tiny-for-tete2]

tw self harm

i hurt my boyfriend really bad by acting on an intrusive thought, even though he forgives me i cant forgive myself, especially since he reminded me that what i did is the reason why he drank so much this weekend and why he has his guard off. he reassures me that he still loves me and that i didn’t ruin our relationship, but i feel like i did ruin it and that i don’t deserve his love or forgiveness. i really want to hurt myself.

[tiny-for-tete2]

it would be so nice to die before the people around me realize what an awful person i am

they could just have a nice memory of me before i fuck everything up

[tiny-for-tete2]

why do i always want to give all my love and energy to people who don’t deserve it?

[tiny-for-tete2]

i’m so tired of sleeping all the the time but that’s the only thing i have energy for

[creepish]

fantasizes about being hugged

[tiny-for-tete2]

the feminine urge to bang my head into a table to get rid of a headache

[tiny-for-tete2]

if people leave it’s always my fault

[tiny-for-tete2]

tw: brief mention of sa

it always amazing me how much your body and your subconscious are aware of stuff that you yourself aren’t. like i had a dream about my sa and then i realized that the anniversary is coming up

[tiny-for-tete2]

bro i scroll through ed every now and then and when i come across posts like this i wonder how i could have ever believed any of this. you can be fat and have friends. you can be fat and fall in love. you are not safe if you’re not eating bc beings skinny ≠ being safe. you can be any size and experience life the same as everyone else. think about it, how many friends do you have that are bigger than you? you love them the same as your skinny ones don’t you? think about how many people you know that are bigger than you and have been in love. it’s possible. it’s more than possible because being fat or curvy or chubby or whatever body type you have doesn’t change the fact that you’re a human being

[tiny-for-tete2]

honestly even when i don’t feel like eating and i catch myself thinking about relapse i know that i actually don’t want to because choosing to eat has made me so much happier

[teamnowalls-deactivated20180918]

me having not left my house yet: god i cant wait to get back home

[tiny-for-tete2]

it’s so cruel that the kindest most empathetic people in the world are also the ones who suffer the most due to their kindness

[tiny-for-tete2]

having a mental illness is like walking with a crutch but no one else can see it so they just wonder why you walk slow or in a weird way

[tiny-for-tete2]

idek why but i’m always so anxious around my housemates. like i don’t like being home bc whenever i’m home i’m resting or doing an introverted activity and they’re doing stuff together so i don’t feel as close to them but doing stuff with them makes me anxious too and i just wanna be home and my roommate who i lived with last year talks to me the least and i feel like i’m always walking on eggshells around her and idk i just don’t feel comfortable ?