I am officially on an indefinite hiatus. Mourning the loss of Cory Montieth; I have not idea if I will ever return to the Glee fandom, but I cannot currently remain a part of it. There is too much pain and sadness here. I am literally sitting here crying for the millionth time, and I just have to step away from the fandom completely. There is no Glee without Cory for me. I cannot accept the show without him no matter how much I love Lea and the story of Finn and Rachel. I have me some incredible people here, and I would not trade that experience for the world. But I cannot stay here while my depression is fueled by this pain. If we are friends, and you would like my personal tumblr link or twitter link, feel free to message me off anon and I will give it to you. However, that will be a Glee free space, and I probably won't even be able to bring myself to talk about Lea there.
Normalcy. The caseworker said they were supposed to establish a sense of normalcy for Emma and do all the things that they would do if she had been born their daughter. Family life suited him. It was nice to wake up every morning to a wife and daughter. It seemed simple and easy to handle. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner with Emma and Rachel, and go to bed. The routine was normal and relaxing, even if he had no idea how Rachel was managing her hectic rehearsal schedule now that Emma was a regular part of their lives.
Back but not back, or I'm still on hiatus but writing things
I am not back from my Glee hiatus, and right now I don't even think I can come back. A big part of me is still grieving, and the fandom is a terrible place for that. Too much judgment and not enough acceptance.
I was one of the few people who genuinely loved glee, even when it did stupid things. I didn't ironically watch it because I hated it or only watch it for certain characters; though I'm well aware of my own biases. I truly loved the show because when it was right it was very right and I don't think it can be that without Cory as the heart of the show.
That being said, I will linger on the fringe of the fandom. I'm going to start writing again. Amanda convinced me that it was ok to write again, and that it would be good for me. I've already opened up my fic folder again, and I'm already back to work on the unfinished latest chapter of "Little Miracles". I will be writing other things as well, and as long as you are not anonymous feel free to drop by my inbox to ask about my writing and what not. This blog will serve as a place for me to link to my work, but no more snippets or liveblogging my writing process for now.
I'm not sure how long I will be gone or if I will come back. All I know is that I cannot stay here. It hurts too much, and I've met so many wonderful people in this fandom. But I can't be a part of it. I can't RP. I can't write. I can't. I love you all, and you've all pretty much saved my life. I've battled so much and could not have survived it without you. Please believe that. So shoutout to these folks before I get to the rest of this post.
For Manda, my best friend, I will be forever grateful that the fandom brought us together. We will always have each other. Thank you for the courage to leave the fandom while it hurts me. Because if I didn't have you, I wouldn't be able to do it.
For Nikki, SMA, Nicole, Nella, Denise, Ja9, Heather, Leah, Angelique, Sam, Brooke, Abi, and all the people who loved and supported my writing. I do not know where I would be without you.
Cory Monteith saved me without ever knowing it. When I was fresh out of law school, kicked to the curb, lonely and broken, I found Glee. And here was this character who was so lost and confused and battling what everyone expected of him. Here was a character who was me. And no one could ever play that character but Cory. I found myself sucked into this fandom, and I had no idea what it would eventually mean. I learned more and more about Cory, and I loved him even more. Because he was so inspirational. He was so real in a world of fake. And he found happiness and love after such a hard life. And that gave me hope. That gave me the kind of hope I hadn't dared have before. I will be forever grateful for that hope.
I'm crying again. I have been off and on since the new broke. Cory's death has broken me. I no longer feel home here. I feel lost. When I said I was equal parts Lea stan and Cory stan I meant it. His death takes a large piece of my heart, and right now I can barely breathe. I am still in denial. I am still staring around me wondering what the fuck happened. I am still screaming into the empty spaces. Because this is wrong. There is so much bad in this world, and it is unconscionable that someone so young, so good, and with so much to live for has died. It is unfair.
My thoughts and prayers are with Lea and Cory's friends and family. And they are with all of you as we mourn this loss. Perhaps leaving like this is cowardly, but I cannot bear it.
I have turned off anon and I have left links to my drabbles and fanfiction on the hiatus theme. But I will not write. I cannot continue to write scenes starring Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson now that he is gone. I never thought I would do this, but I am blacklisting his name and glee and probably Finchel, Monchele, Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry. I'm going to be changing my tweetdeck settings and unfollowing some people probably. It's the only way I know that healing can happen for me.
So if we are friends and you want to stay in touch, please message me and I will give you my personal tumblr and personal twitter.
My thoughts and prayers are with Lea Michele right now. A 26 year-old woman whose boyfriend just died. A woman who will be expected to publicly acknowledge this tragedy in her life, and even though the subject itself is so intimate and therefore private, this tragedy will be public to the world. A woman who instead of mourning and grieving will soon have to go out on signing book tours, a woman who will have to endure pity looks and try not to crumble in front of her fans. A woman who soon will have to return to the place where she met said boyfriend for the first time. A woman who will have to look at the sets where she first kissed him, where she first held him and learned what he smelled like. A woman who will enter a room filled with other people’s grief. People who will not understand what she’s feeling, because really: who can?
Let us all have faith that she will rise above it, with grace, with determination and bravery.
Good luck Lea, harder times are coming.
#this is the worst day of her life#all i want is for her to rise above to mourn and grieve on her terms#for lea to have all the time and space and solitude or support she wants and needs#it's tough for the fans#it's unimaginably devastating for the woman that is left behind
everyone not online right now i hope you all are suddenly struck with the inspiration to free yourselves from technology and never go online again or watch television or read gossip mags or newspapers or anything and never talk to anyone who would mention this i hope you get to go on living your lives never having to know this because this is the worst feeling
So I’m hearings rumblings that one of the newbies could be Finn’s new love interest? If you’re a Finn fan that wants to see him explore a new relationship purely for the novelty (however transient that relationship may be), more power to you. However, if you’re arguing that Rachel doesn’t deserve Finn because of the travesty that was Season 4, or that there’s some penance that needs to be paid prior to a reunion (in order to “even-the-score" as I’ve seen mentioned today), then frankly, I don’t understand you. Have seasons 1 and 2 escaped your memory? As I recall, Finn made his fair share of mistakes, which were subsequently forgiven. By comparison, season 4 is not insurmountable at all. By Finn’s own estimation (and I did not see Rachel disagree), Brody was a nonentity. I have no clue what is going to happen in the coming season. But the ‘Rachel needs to be jealous’ route is tired, and I have no desire to see it again.
The idea of “evening the score" is tiring. There is no score to settle and their story isn’t a game of who can be equal in the number of relationships or sexual partners. I don’t need to see Rachel miserable and love sick over Finn in repentance for last season (been there, done that in both seasons one and two), just like I never needed to see Finn miserable to redeem him for breaking up with Rachel to go on a date with Brittany and Santana, sleeping with Santana, setting up a kissing booth to boost his ego and get Quinn to cheat on her boyfriend with him, etc.
Jealous!Finn and Jealous!Rachel are both now overdone tropes. I’m over it. New story, please.
plot twist: both 20something new characters are love interests for santana, she finally gets a love triangle and more focus on the lesbian storyline that they could never do because heather morris sucks
show me another person that can handle this and being asked questions like “lea when are you and Cory getting married’ and when she doesn’t reply the camera man has the balls to say ‘that’s mean’, and she does it all with a smile on her face and signed as many autographs as she could - knowing full well they are going to be sold on ebay for a ridiculous amounts of money and not for actual fans
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