Everything I ever wanted makes me sick, sad and lonely.
It's hard to see what's wrong in the heat of the moment. I'm always so slow to react. People mistake it for apathy, disinterest, rudeness. But if you speak about how you feel or how you act before you know what's going on inside of you, whatever you say is as good as a lie. People hold you to it anyway.
It can take me years to understand even the smallest thing about myself. I just figured something out and there seems to be a very good reason why my mind blocks off my ability to reason. Realisation hurts much more than the initial sadness. It makes me shake, my throat seizes up and the distance between my churning gut and burning chest seems to grow. I'm starting to think I'm better off being ignorant to my own feelings.
What have I ever wanted from life? A life of my own. With someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone I can trust, who makes me smile when I don't expect it. I want my own home with them, to get married, have children. It's all so far away right now. That makes me sad, but I can live with that. That time will come.
A lingering sadness came over me yesterday. Cleaning his room with him. Throwing away his 21st birthday card from Her. Scribbles She used to leave on his textbooks. Throwing away Her things. The old paperwork from Their house that They were building together. She was pregnant once too. And just then, thinking about my own hopes for my future, I realised he nearly had everything I ever wanted with someone else.
It hurts to know you're not the only one they ever loved the way they say they love you. It's worse to clean out their closet with them. Now everything I ever wanted makes me sick, sad and lonely.
