i’m so sorry if this is a bother/ stupid but. i love your writing for so so so long and a lot of what you’ve been writing about recently breaks my heart — firstly because im sorry you had to go through what sounds like such an awful relationship, especially when your words, and thereby, if you don’t mind my overstepping, your soul, is so beautiful.
i’m writing because i think one of my best friends is in a similar relationship to the one you’ve described in your poems. at best i don’t think she’s happy in the relationship. at worst i’m worried she might be being hit. i don’t know what to do. what would you have wanted a friend to do in your situation?
please don’t feel obligated to answer this, i just figured i’d ask xx
this is such a hard and careful question to have. it makes me sick to think that at some point, my friends were in the same situation.
the short answer is that you need to be there for them, to the best of your ability, possibly over a long period of time. possibly this might mean they act out in an unusually cruel way; or they might put a huge amount of distance between the two of you; or they might complain about their situation endlessly but never seem to "do" anything.
it is hard, because i cannot recommend you put yourself at risk. and i had friends who put themselves at risk for my benefit. i had them gently try to tell me, over and over - something isn't right here. these are friendships i'd had for many, many years - 5 or more - so most of my friends knew i was acting out of character. i don't know if it's fair to ask newer friends to do this same amount of risk-taking. i'm not a therapist and i don't know the situation you're in specifically.
but my advice is under the cut, to the best of my ability.
what i can say is that you cannot directly attack the partner. it takes a really specific situation to even say "i think you're being abused." as the person inside the relationship, we have been trained to constantly defend, deny, and prioritize our abusers. when someone "attacks" our partner, we feel attacked (due to the trauma bond). we feel like we can't tell you the truth, because it's something we can't handle. it is really, really thin ice. it is easy to feel judged because we often know we should leave, but we aren't able to do so.
because "just leave" is something we see all the time, and it's soul-crushing. i fucking wish i did, but while i was in it, the idea was unthinkable. i knew i needed to, but it felt like saying "i need to lift the ocean." how would i even start that?
you can gently suggest podcasts, audiobooks, and other resources; which i recommend doing as if you're just suggesting anything else. "oh have you read why does he do that? because we should have a book club, that thing was crazy." also, try to make excuses to see her as often as you can. getting space between her and her abuser is the most important thing. see if you can get her to start doing a hobby or sport with you, help her build up community and identity.
be aware that your friend is likely having to defend her relationship to you. i had to fight tooth and nail to keep any of my friends; they were all "suspect". i'd often have to come home early while hanging out with my friends because my ex would fake an emergency. any event like a birthday party was heavily monitored. all friend-centered events were bookended with intense arguments; usually with unfounded accusations of cheating. i had to account for literally every person and moment at the event. if i even split a piece of cake with someone, i was under suspicion.
which is a long way of saying: if she's pulling away, she might still be trying her hardest and balancing having to protect herself and you. i did not want my ex to lash out at my friends. i did not want them having to deal with her anger and the way she treated people. i also knew that if my friends saw how she often spoke to me, they would never have allowed it. and i wasn't ready to leave.
i really need to stress that your friend isn't thinking clearly. consider it almost like an extreme form of sleep deprivation: all her actions will come from a place of almost feral survival. we often think of gaslighting as being something visible from the outside, but i cannot stress enough that you cannot notice true gaslighting until it's too late. it isn't just something baldfaced like "oh the sky is green." it's the fact that if she had said "the sky is green", i was so well-trained by the end that i would have said "you know, that does look like green! :)" just to avoid the argument. and i'd justify it to myself because the sky can be green, and really "the sky is blue" isn't completely true, and some blues are kind of greenish?
so a fact that's like, obvious to you - like your friend is unhappy - isn't going to be present in her mind. in order to avoid the arguments, the punishments, the cycle - your friend cannot take things at face value. that is how gaslighting works. because it's not that we don't know when our partner is being evil, it's that we lie to ourselves about how evil they're being. because if we admit it; that is genuinely dangerous for us. that's why so many of us stay after being hit.
it was a relief when she hit me, honestly, because it was clarity. i had been trying to tell her for months that she got dangerously angry, and she basically said i was just too sensitive. i am 32 years old and i let a person hit me and stayed with her because of how the cycle of control works. when i say "your friend isn't thinking clearly" i mean there's no room in her brain. i was just trying not to get hurt. i couldn't think of anything else. it made me a worse person. i am very lucky my friends were patient with me during this time.
the thing i'm trying awkwardly to communicate is that your friend might not act like your friend; and you might need to allow that. and i know it can be frustrating to have a friend who is consistently making this choice - and you're just doomed to watch. a lot of people would choose to protect their peace rather than deal with that. i am very grateful that my friend group is trauma-informed. if this is someone you love and want to fight for... just... prepare yourself for that. i cannot say - even as a poet - how overwhelming and terrible it is to be inside of abuse. logic, sense, and reason cannot apply. it is like being rabid, all the time. she might need you to forgive her, a lot.
remember that leaving is the most dangerous part. help her if you can. a clean break is best. full block etc. it might take her a long time to get over it. do not rush her. grief works differently for everyone.
towards the end; i had to borrow a phone to text someone i'm sorry but [my ex] is making me block you because she thinks i cheated with you. i had to write the words i am worried for your safety more than anything, and i'm so sorry. i was embarrassed and sweating and weird. i hadn't even seen this person irl more than once. we talk maybe once every six months.
the friend i borrowed the phone from was a lifesaver. she was calm, thoughtful. we were on a beach, she kept holding my hand. i looked at her while i penned the message. "this is insane," i said. "what's happening right now is actually insane." she just kind of nodded and asked, "how can i help?"
at one point, once i'd calmed down a little - my friend said, "do you think you'd want to make a plan with me in order to leave?"
i said i had no idea. i felt crazy. my skin was buzzing. i had never done anything like this. to be constantly accused of cheating, to have to block random people, to have my every move controlled and navigated. how the fuck did it even get to that point? i was terrified that somehow my ex would know that i texted on a borrowed phone. i was terrified that i would get in trouble. i was terrified it wouldn't be enough, that the argument would happen anyway (it did).
she just nodded and held my hand and said, "i'll be there when you are ready for that step." she had texted me often during the relationship - at least twice every week - accepting that i often didn't respond. she later would tell me she had listened to quite a few podcasts and read a few books during this time. i knew something was wrong and i just wanted to figure out how to help. they all said to just be there for you. so i tried to do that.
i can never repay her for that. for just how calm and centered she was during that. that was love. that was patience. and i genuinely think if it wasn't for her (and for all of my friends) - i don't know how i would have made it out. alex literally let me talk about this for an entire month in a row. alison held my hand while i threw up weeping about it. they all just showed up.
good luck to you and to your friend. i'm so sorry it's something that's happening.
Fleabag (2016) // @symbiocene // Charles M. Schulz, Peanuts // Nikki Giovanni, Mirrors // cave painting // 肉包不吃肉, The Husky and His White Cat Shizun // thethingswesay.com // Brian Kershiznik // Neal A. Maxwell // Audre Lorde, "Equinox"
never kill yourself because who knows if guillermo del toro will make a film that stares straight into your soul and says "i see you, i understand you, and the cycle of violence can end" and you will leave a theater sobbing with hope
a year ago i had this dream like an omen. i saw myself opened under the stained glass light of my childhood church. my insides had turned into flowers, and i was blooming up the sides of the altar.
i saw, then, what i had turned into. i have had so many hands around my wrists. inside of my stomach. how often i had been a dead animal, home only to mustelids.
here i was, breathing in the sacred dust motes, and i had been turned into loam. i had coated every frock and pew and candle. i had sworn in an entire family of mushrooms. i had blanketed moss over every parishioner. all of us asleep. all of the world in wildflowers.
so often i could have made myself a calamity. i could have tipped myself over an edge. so often this year i wanted to. i felt irrevocably in love with death. with silence. with a quick and seamless end.
i laid down in my childhood church; which has heard only the least of my sins. i laid down and the sky opened, and i saw every scratch and splinter of my body open in a beautiful seam. i saw what each of them had done to me. how often i have wanted to say it is over, i have given up.
a year ago, i couldn't fathom what it meant. i wanted to slip into a snowdrift and arise as a ghost. i was parsing my speech and my life like stacking rice grains: my hands shaking, i watched every step forward result in a blow.
today my hair is in knots. i am anxious about everything.
but i think i can tell you now, if you're anything like me. i really could have been a grave or an axe or a riot. i could have been cinders and sharpness and violence. i could have wielded the past like a saber and struck down on every outstretched hand.
i own myself, though. and instead of reaping - i sow.
actually i love growing older and learning how i work as a person like realizing what kinds of fabrics feel best on my skin or what brand of yogurt i like best or how I want to be touched. watching myself change, enjoying brussel sprouts when I used to hate them as a child, understanding why I got angry in that one conversation 10 years ago… there are so many mysteries inside me that i have yet to unravel and there will always be more and sometimes i think maybe its all worth it
"Let's not talk about that, not now, all right? It's so dark here and so lonely and we are standing so close together—isn't that enough? Let's be quiet, please. That's much nicer, don't you think?"
"It is raining, it is dark and lonely and we are standing close together—yes, of course, it's beautiful…"
– Wolfgang Borchert, from “Dear, Blue-Grey Night” The Sad Geraniums and Other Stories (The Ecco Press, 1973)
“what was it that i desired? for the pain to dissolve like sugar? for someone else to hold my hand? for the burden of loving me to be given to someone else?”
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
dededos
areudirty
