Just A Vent Blog

This is just a blog where I vent about stuff.

[tirednanxious]

11:59pm, 24 Dec 2023

I’m just doomscrolling. This family has been… difficult. As of recent years, the Christmas whimsy has died and practicality replaces the spontaneity of the joy of giving.

Not to mention the guilt of being an only daughter than no one ever speaks about.

I just want to live my life.

[tirednanxious]

7:02pm, 5 Nov 2023

Honestly not really sure what to say exactly. I’ve just been feeling so numb. I learned about derealization/depersonalization lately, but I’m not sure if that’s what I’ve been experiencing. I’m definitely closing myself off more.

My two cousins whom I see as sisters have been hanging out without me lately, and maybe it’s because I’m older than them by a considerable margin, I don’t know. It’s not new for family members to leave me out of things anyway. It’s awful lonely, though.

The guy I talked about months ago, we decided to step back. We’re just friends for now, and I like it more because I’m letting how he treats me matter less. It really puts it into perspective for me that he really doesn’t so much care for me as a person so much as he cares about what I can do; at least that’s how it feels. Besides, I’ve been asking the same thing out of him for two years, and now that Covid restrictions have chilled out more, he has less excuse to not visit me. He still hasn’t visited me, even though I offer to pay for the trip. He wants me to go visit him but only with the approval of my mom, who won’t give it. I would go even without her approval, but he insisted I don’t, and he’s worn the fight out of me. He spent a lot of money on a ring I never asked for as a gift instead of putting it towards a visit, and I may have been happy to get a meaningful gift, but I’d rather have met him in person for the first time. I’m also tired of feeling like he wants to change me. That’s a big one, especially now that I’m learning to accept and love myself more. It’s whatever now, I guess. He’ll find someone who better suits his needs, but his success seems priority anyway. I’m okay coping with the loneliness because better lonely than in company that requires me to suppress the sad emotions as best I can.

What else…? I don’t know. I think I just needed a space to put this. I’ve been thinking about venting here for awhile, and I don’t know what drove me here now, but I’m just glad I still have a /here/ to go to.

[tirednanxious]

6:13AM, 29 March 2023

My friend told me I should start journaling again, and I know they’re right. I don’t know what to write, though. I guess I’m just lonely. My partner’s so deep in his work that he doesn’t make time for me. I’ve brought up watching a movie or playing a video game together a couple of times, but it hasn’t stuck. He insists on watching Lost and doesn’t want to play the games I chill with.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty insulted, him playing Phasmophobia with a different girl without asking me if I’d be okay with it first. I’m usually fine with it, but he hates horror things, and when I suggest games, he so quickly shoots them down. This girl asked like twice and that’s all it took. I’ve been wanting him to play Tekken for literally years. Killing Floor 2 maybe, but nope. I’m still fucking waiting.

He’s also been talking to this other engaged girl like on a friend level as far as I know. I get he feels bad for her; I do, too… but he keeps bringing up how annoying she and her fiancé are. I’ve stopped talking to her because I’m getting too old to be patient for her bullshit, and she’s impossible to fucking work with. I’m confident he doesn’t want to be with her, but I’m so annoyed with how she keeps messaging him with stupid stuff like what she wants to be when she grows up (she’s 20), which she’s changed four times in the past two months.

He also kept telling me he was attracted to me because I got stuff done. I’m so fucking tired of getting stuff done. He’s talking to some other lady that’s supposed to get stuff done for our team anyway.

I’m not even jealous; I’m just annoyed. He can spend time with whoever the fuck he wants, but the problem is that he’s not making time to address my needs without complaining about spending time with other people. Like just watch a fucking movie I want to watch or play a game I actually like. I’m so tired of putting others before me. It’s just a mistake I keep making. I even yelled at him yesterday because I started losing my patience with him.

I apologized, but I don’t know how to respond to him anymore. After saying good morning, he said “I guess try to relax more.” I was trying to relax with him so we can spend time together. I don’t even think he knows I have a blood tests and an ultrasound scheduled to get my kidneys checked. I don’t think he knows I’m on medication. Even if he does, he doesn’t seem to care. He keeps talking about himself and his projects when I try to bring it up. Yesterday, there was a change in plans because I was supposed to go to an escape room with my cousins, but had to cancel because of maintenance. I told him change in plans, and he didn’t ask about he. He asked how my day’s been yesterday, but I couldn’t get the sense that he actually cared about my answer.

I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a narcissist. He can fix this, and I’m just trying to think of how to tell him.

There’s also the issue of health issues I’ve been having lately. Not to mention my anxiety and stress levels making it feel 100x worse.

[tirednanxious]

6:06AM, 27 Sept 2022

I’m going to commend myself for trying so hard to combat my stupid seasonal depression. I’m trying to get back to working out regularly 4-5 days a week and trying to give myself more self love.

Thank you to anyone even trying to keep up with this hurricane of a vent blog.

Edit - 8:29AM

My partner just called me with the gaul to say that he’s trying to save up and be financially stable before meeting me because he’d rather be able to move. My mom works at a hotel so we could stay for super cheap or maybe even free, and I have transferable vouchers for plane tickets that could make it cheaper or also even free (I got them because I had to wait overnight at the airport for a delayed flight this year). Honestly, I’m not in the mood to care about whatever excuses he has to not come and meet me lately. I would’ve gone to meet him myself, but the death anniversary of my dad is coming up, and like hell I’ll leave my mom alone for that and to have to deal with her only daughter traveling alone to another state that she doesn’t know anything about and only knows one person. Even after or before, I know she’s still grieving and I don’t want to leave her that quickly. My partner - I guess partner’s just the best word I can come up with for it - didn’t even make any moves to come here and console me when I lost my dad. I can’t expect anything from him now, so I kind of just told him I was going to hang up so I can watch stuff while I work. I’m just not in the mood to deal with it.

[tirednanxious]

11:21PM, 1 July 2022

Work’s been keeping me busy, and I have another overtime shift tomorrow. Some family members are going to Vegas tomorrow in the afternoon, and I start work at 6AM. I’ve been sleeping less that 6 hours all week. My family is still singing karaoke at what feels like max volume. I’m so tired.

I won’t do it, but I’m definitely thinking about putting in an anonymous noise complaint to police. I’m just too tired for this.

[tirednanxious]

5:10AM, 29 June 2022

Catch me on Tumblr at 5:10AM looking at funny memes in order to get a move on with this day so I can keep tf together, while I’m clocked in for work actually.

In my head, I just keep thinking, “Okay, I need to consume content before I have a nervous breakdown.” And now I’m consuming content alone. I likely won’t really share it with anyone. I feel like I’m drowning, too.

[tirednanxious]

10:01PM, 28 June 2022

I’m so tired of trying to prove I’m good enough. And I’m so hurt now. Did I damage my relationship or did I damage myself more? It has to be worth it… right?

[tirednanxious]

8:11AM, 7 June 2022

Back on the bullshit. I’m still talking to the same long distance guy I’ve been talking to for over two years now, and surprisingly still dealing with his contradictory bullshit. Maybe more details later because I’m working right now.

I’m not in a good place mentally or emotionally, and probably physically, so here I am yet again.

I just need a place to vent, so here I’m back.

[tirednanxious]

6:42PM, 16 March 2021

“A litany of flaws that can be summed up by a single mistake”

I’m not sure what happened this morning. This guy I’m taking to, he started talking about conspiracy theories, and I told him that I wasn’t that interested in listening to them. He went on to tell me I needed to feign interest and to stop thinking about my exes. I wasn’t the person to bring up my exes, by the way. Soon after, I got a call from this nurse working at my doctor’s office about an email I sent, and I had to go to the emergency room. The guy did not check in on me much. I understood for awhile. For awhile.

I was at the emergency department for about 5 hours, and he checked in maybe five times. I told him what I was recommended to do, and he suggested I eat better and drink more water (okay), but then he also recommended “more self focusing” and to “find myself.” Not really the comfort I needed at the time. Thankfully, I outsourced comfort from some friends instead.

All in all, a fairly mediocre day. One for the journal to help me deal with my depression.

[tirednanxious]

9:15AM, 20 January 2021

My ex told me last night that he still loves me. That hurt. I want to say it’s just annoying, but it hurt. He could’ve just been drunk, and that’s what I’m hoping it was. I remember last year, not even a whole year ago, how hard he pushed me away. I tried to give him everything I could, and he didn’t think I was worth it then. Why would I hope he’d think I’m worth it now? I tried to give him everything he wanted, and then he didn’t want me anymore when some new girl comes along. He wanted a desk job, he got that. He wanted a car, he got that. He wanted more privacy, he got it. He wanted a chance with some other girl that he apparently started talking to when we started dating about 6 years ago, he got it.

I want my turn to get what I want, but I know now that I can’t get it from him. I want stability. I don’t want to keep getting triggered. I don’t want to be neglected again. I don’t want to be ignored or lonely. I need someone who’s patient with me and understanding, someone who’s there for me and does what he can to help me when I need it, someone who’ll help me get better. I have someone who’s proving that he is now. My ex told me to move on, and I am. I begged him and pleaded to take me back, then he took away all the hope I had. I was literally on the floor sobbing for another chance last year, and he very explicitly gave a very hurtful no. I don’t want to just be a convenience to anyone now.

I just had to let this out, vent a bit.

[tirednanxious]

9:11AM, 18 January 2021

A little of that wreck of a girl that has manic episodes came out today for the first time in a few months.

[tirednanxious]

7:49PM, 16 January 2021

I’m still keeping this blog alive because it’s a good place to vent. I’m feeling... better. Much better than I was on this date last year. I’m not feeling as lonely even though I’m spending more time alone, save for almost hourly texts with this one person who’s supporting me and making me want to change for the better. I realized last year I was with guys who emotionally abused me, but I’m moving past it. No more gaslighting or codependency. It’s very different, and I like it a lot. It makes me feel... better.

I’ve just been working, and watching kdramas (I watched It’s Okay to Not be Okay due to a recommendation from a cousin I lost touch with but am now talking to frequently, and I’m watching Sweet Home now but that’s not really kdrama...), and programming (C++ and Arduino mostly). I now exercise more frequently and I’ve been eating healthier. It feels... good.

(9:04PM)

Looking over old posts... there was a very long gap. A lot went on then, breakups, makeups, new people, same job, new apartment, same housemates.

One different person who’s made an immense difference. I’m still scared, but maybe this time, it’ll be worth it.

I started self-harming again 9 months ago, stopped a couple of months after. I abused substances again, this time including weed with the alcohol. I’ve stopped since then. A lot happened. It’s a long story I don’t feel inclined to divulge, but the very vague TLDR of it is a final breakup with one person, betrayal, and a chance at renewal.

[tirednanxious]

8:30AM, Nov 4, 2020

Just... a shite show of a year. A lot’s happened personally and nationally. I’m not going to speak about that all right now because I’m working and just all-over trying to stay busy.

I might eventually. I’ve been feeling... better than I’ve been feeling overall the past few years, I think.

[tirednanxious]

6:45AM, 23 June 2020

I feel okay right now. I feel... useful, at least. I woke up and just immediately started doing chores. I may feel super tired and work may be slow today, but at least I did the dishes and refilled the water filter and even got started on laundry. I’m okay for right now, I think.

6:17PM

I’m feeling okay still, I think. I feel pretty empty. I said it on the fly this morning, but it feels like I’m waking from a coma. One of the biggest problems is that I feel like I’m waking into a dystopian nightmare. It hurts still, but in a way that’s missing something.

[tirednanxious]

12/14/2018, 11:30AM

I guess I’m still scared to talk about this. I’ve been trying for months now to bring it up again, but now that I’m sitting down and typing it out, I’m stalling.

I was working, listening to the song going with this post, and I imagined us dancing to it… I’d be in a white dress, and you’d be in a nice tux, the ambiance is gentle, and the lighting is like yellow stars. It made me really happy, but also really sad because there are always two sides of a coin.

It’s taking me forever to get to the point. The one I’m talking is the only person I know irl who knows and regularly checks this blog to check on me because I have problems communicating.

I’m tearing up right now while I type this. Tldr I want to try again, but I’m so scared he’ll say no. I’m so terrified. I brought it up once; he just responded with a quote from me from when we broke up. That hurt me a lot, but I couldn’t say that.

I’ve never had someone stick by me like this. That scares me…

If he reads this, then this is what I wanted to talk about. I practically ran to the bathroom because I’m crying now just thinking of what he’ll say. I don’t want you to say no to my face. I don’t want you to laugh at me because I’m being pathetic.

I’m anxious, but I also want the other side of the coin so badly that I’ve let it eat away at me and pick me apart, and it’s taken a long time for me to even kind of communicate this again, but… I don’t even know where to go with this anymore. The thoughts I have about it are eloquent, well-worded, even poetic. Now that I’m typing this, I’m just scared. I’m scared that I lost it permanently because I was stupid enough to toss it aside because I felt neglected and couldn’t just say that.

It took me months just to gain the courage to type this out; 23 minutes to actually type it out.

[tirednanxious]

(2:20PM, 22 June 2020)

I guess I just never learned. I chose him every single freaking time. Maybe I’m just too much. He doesn’t even check his tumblr anymore, so maybe he’ll never see this.

But it’s happening again, but worse. I’ve been replaced, and it’s hurting so much more than it did before.

(4:49PM)

It’s so much worse this time. He’s ignoring me, and there’s nothing I can do. He says he reads what I send, but he doesn’t say anything back. He always told me to talk it over with him, but whenever I do talk, I’m talking at him. I feel helpless because he doesn’t understand, and he probably won’t try to. I’m not worth the effort to him, and I don’t know if I ever really was.

[tirednanxious]

I’m upset

(04/01/2019, 11:43AM)

Maybe it’s the PMS, maybe it’s the helplessness pushing depression really hard, maybe it’s the anxiety of everything going on.

But I’m so tired of my choices going wrong.

[tirednanxious]

03/17/2019, 10:16PM

I know I haven’t written in awhile, but I’m just not having a good day.

In terms of updates, I have plenty, but I don’t want to talk about them. I’m just going to focus on today.

I woke up early to walk the dog (5AM), fine. But today was the day that dog was returned to his original owner, and now I don’t have an emotional support animal. My hamsters died two weeks ago, and I keep seeing things and thinking things that remind me of them. My anchor, who keeps me from anxiety attacks and gives me comfort when I need it, is taking a trip to his home city to get some stuff done for himself. But the cherry on top of the cake is that my best friend, who I haven’t seen in over a year, is in SoCal, but instead of seeing me, she goes shopping with her boyfriend at a mall only 15 minutes away from where I live.

And honestly, wtf.

Of course I have other things to vent about, but I’ve been venting to my roommate, a real Godsend. I’m just not sure how to express myself to anyone but him at this point because everyone else has nagged me and shown me insufficient compassion or consideration. And that hurts. That hurts like a bitch. And he helps to take some of that hurt away.

But it still hurts and I hope to continue going to a therapist because honestly, wtf.