Hongjoong pls. Captain.

oozey mess
AnasAbdin
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

Love Begins
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Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

shark vs the universe
Xuebing Du
i don't do bad sauce passes
we're not kids anymore.
styofa doing anything
No title available
todays bird
noise dept.
Cosmic Funnies

blake kathryn
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸

Andulka
Three Goblin Art
Jules of Nature
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from United States
seen from Brazil

seen from United States
seen from Chile
seen from Austria

seen from Austria
seen from Argentina

seen from Austria
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
@tiredrebelgeneral
Hongjoong pls. Captain.
Chasing Stars - JYH PT.2
Summary: Choi Byeol spent her entire life being the perfect daughter, even if those days withered her away into nothing. Until her perfect plan was sent into a spiral after being unwillingly paired with her enigmatic classmate Jeong Yunho.
"See you soon, starshine." He grinned before zooming away like he was Peter Pan, disappearing with the wind.
Pairing: Jeong Yunho / fem!OC
Genre: Angst with comfort, friends to lovers, slow burn.
Warnings: Heavy angst, mental health issues. Mentions of self harm. Mild psychosis (??). Mentions of abuse. Byeol is going through it... (Will be added as the story progresses)
(A/N: the second part of the series, it's a bit shorter. I hope you enjoy it though)
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The next day when he chose to sit next to her, she didn't push him away. Letting him throw an arm around her chair and lean against her.
The air in the university shifted. Byeol did know this would happen. They were two people from two worlds coming together like this, not everyone agrees with the change.
Clearly, not Kim Haera.
Byeol could feel daggers thrown her way whenever yunho leaned in to whisper something to her, his lips brushing the shell of her ear causing her to shudder into his touch. Even though yunho was oblivious. Haera and her gang of girls did not.
They'd started leaving little notes on her desk and locker, whispering things when she was within ear shot, whore, slut, bitch, she heard it all. She knew about the forums, the pages, the messages. But she figured, with yunho by her side. There was no need to care about what anyone else thought.
This went on for a week, yunho never left her side. Sitting next to her in class, taking her out for lunch and best of all, he took her out on his bike. It's no surprise to anyone but that was most definitely her favourite part of the day.
(She may not know but it certainly was yunhos favourite part of the day too)
She had thrown her hands in the air with a whoop when he went a little bit faster than usual, giving him a minor heart attack. But he would let her do it again, under safer circumstances, with the helmet he bought for her only when he was able to pay full attention to her.
Her laugh was definitely his favourite sound.
Byeol saw this coming a mile away.
She was sitting by herself in the cafeteria, yunho having gone to get more food, when she felt the smell and coldness of rotten milk filled her senses.
"Oops, I thought you were the trash can." Kim Haera and her gaggle of vultures circled around her laughing.
She didn't realise how juvenile university fights would be.
"Why?" Byeol asked, raising an eyebrow at Haera. She knew very well why but there was no way she would let her know.
"I told you." Haera hissed, "stay away from Jeong Yunho if you know what's best for you."
Byeol was about to retort back when something caught her eye, Yunho standing not too far away, with a tray in hand. And if she were honest, his inability to move wouldn't have hurt her at all. But he looked away. He ignored the way Haera mocked her.
Without a word, she pushed past the girls walking out of the university while she pretended her heart wasn't shattering into tiny pieces.
She was stupid, stupid, stupid. Breaking her one rule, to always stay to herself. to feel the fleeting sense of freedom that she felt with him.
And yet, he was just like everyone else. When she needed him most, he turned away. Just like them all. Just like everyone else in her life.
'I told you so...' her mother preened gleefully
It's been three days since she had last seen yunho. Not for the lack of him trying though. She couldn't face him. Not with all the doubts that have been circling her head like vultures.
The moment replayed in her head. Him turning away. Pretending not to see her suffering. Makes one wonder if everything that happened between them was just a cruel joke. Who was she kidding? It all happened too fast. They barely knew each other for a week.
She just happened to be delusional and deprived enough to believe that any of that could be real.
Why he still tried to call and text her, she didn't know. Perhaps guilt.
The first day after the incident she did go back to class. When she entered she found a distressed Yunho sitting in the seat next to hers, jumping up the moment she entered. Her name barely left his lips as she twisted around running back the way she came.
Tears burning her eyes, heart in her ears, she made a resolve never to see him again. Because as much as Byeol tried to tell herself that he was bad news, the desperate look in his honey coloured eyes made her want to forgive him. But she can't. Not this time. Not anymore.
She opted to stay home instead. Shutting all the curtains and stewing in the darkness despite the hallucination of her mother growing stronger and stronger.
'I raised a pathetic excuse of woman didn't I?' her mother sighed from her corner, peering at the remnants of the matches she lit in disgust. Neither she nor the hallucination has moved from their respective places for the past two days. Her stomach growled pathetically, the fresh wounds on her arm stinging from no care to them. She knew that she should get up, do something at least. Byeol couldn't bring herself to.
She'd caged her heart for years after countless amounts of heart breaks, cutting herself off from the cruelty of the world. Despite that, she found herself willingly giving that boy with the sad eyes her heart. Beating in an unnamed rhythm that she didn't quite understand.
And yet, she found herself broken anyway.
'i told you countless amounts of times that friends are useless.' her mother mocked from her corner.
"I know." She replied curtly.
Just then, another slew of messages from Yunho arrived again. She stared at her phone going off, wishing she can reply to him. But she won't.
Her phone lit up in call. The face on the profile picture much like a siren call. Yunho's goofy pose, made her miss him all the more. The idea of him, byeol reminded herself. You don't miss him. Just what you think he felt for you.
She sighed, leaning her head against the wall, when a loud knock on her door startled her.
"Byeol... Please open the door. I'm worried about you."
Oh. He's here.
She made no attempt to respond to him.
"Byeol please starshine, let me see you. Fuck, it's been three days. I know you haven't left your house. And I'm worried. Please let me see you...."
It's just the guilt, it's an ugly guilt trip she reminded herself as the temptation to throw open the door and throw herself in his arms as well.
The knocking grew frantic. He was panicking now.
"Byeol please just say something, anything just so I know you're okay. If not I'm breaking this door down." He threatened, voice trembling.
She covered her ears with her hands unable to take it anymore. Byeol closed her eyes wishing she was anywhere else, when yunho slammed the door open, stumbling into her home with a scared look on his face.
"Byeol?...." He choked out, eyes meeting in the darkness.
He's not here. Why would he be? She looked away.
He stumbled over to wear she wedged herself into the corner between the bed and her desk. Taking in the damage, the way she had unravelled with one look, or rather lack thereof. Pathetic.
"Go away yunho. I don't want to see you." She swat his hand away when he reached for her.
"No." He replied, deadset in pulling her out of there.
He picked her up out of the corner, placing her on her bed.
The last thing she heard as she succumbed to weariness, was a choked sob as Yunho pulled her to him.
The first thing that hit her when she awoke was the sound of the hospital machines, the smell of antiseptic next.
Her head felt like cotton, unable to fully open her eyes. Floaty. She felt floaty. Byeol groaned trying to move but her body refused.
She felt someone's breath on her hand. Turning ever so slightly she saw Yunho sitting next to her bed, head on her lap, holding her hand.
Oh, she was at the hospital, more importantly, Yunho brought her there.
The memories of the previous week flooded in, making her flinch. Unfortunately for her, that woke him too.
Yunho shot up, panicked. Eyes meeting hers, his honey eyes immediately welled up in tears.
'Such a weak man.' her mother preened, making her presence known
"Byeol... You... How are you feeling?"
"Get out." She rasped, tearing her eyes away from him, should she look any longer her resolve to stay away would be shattered.
"Let me take care of you star, you're all alone..." He stammered, trying to get her to look him in the eye.
"I said get out. I don't want you here."
The emotions she'd been trying to block away for the last three days threatened to bubble over the surface. The hurt, the hate the sadness coming back in full force.
"I'm sorry, star, please don't shut me out." He begged, gently taking her hand.
His touch burned, she yanked her hand away, the string holding her together snapping.
"NO. I told you to GO AWAY. you shut me out first. I don't want you here. You can go play friends with Haera and her so called friends. But stay away from me!"
She was crying now, so was he.
"What.. what do you mean."
"I mean you are the worst mistake I ever made Jeong Yunho. I hope I never see you again."
With that, his face crumbled. She knew she must've broken his heart. But she felt nothing.
'good girl.' her mother sneered as they watched him leave. Even as he left he made sure that she would want for nothing. A part of her wondered if this was the right thing.
"I'm sorry star, for what it's worth. I hope you get better soon." He smiled sadly at the doorway, before turning around and disappearing.
Her heart felt hollow, the boy she forcefully dug out of it no longer here. People like them were not meant to exist together. His brightness would outshine hers, diminishing her light. She knew this and let herself indulge in him selfishly.
She knew it wasn't his fault. Sure he looked away, and she most certainly didn't let him explain himself. But she couldn't. Not when so many people disapproved of them.
If she was a star, he was the sun. They will never end up in each other's orbit.
She was ten when she realised that her relationship with her mother wasn't exactly like how normal families have it.
Normal mommies bring their children to the park and buy them ice cream. Byeol's mother brought her to the college she dropped out of, claiming it was her birthright and the sole reason of her existence to one day graduate from there as it's top student.
It would take her far longer to figure out why.
When she was in the last years of highschool she made a friend by the name of Jung Wooyoung. Well rather, Jung Wooyoung refused to leave her alone till she admitted they were friends. Previously alone and inexperienced, Byeol felt a strange sense of belonging with Wooyoung.
It wouldn't be too long before her mother ruined that for her too.
It was the day after graduation, she hadn't made valedictorian, her mother refused to come to see her despite her being the salutatorian. It was Jung Wooyoung, her sweet Wooyo who brought her a bouquet of flowers, running to her his baby brother in tow while his parents and elder brother chuckled at his shenanigans.
It was that one day that she decided she would blow her mother off and just go hang out with Wooyoung. Byeol hadn't realised how big of a mistake she was making.
Wooyoung's parents took them out for burgers and ice cream. Byeol wished she could pretend that this was her family instead. That her mother wasn't waiting for her in a cold, dark, unwelcoming house. His mother treated her like a daughter, his brothers like she's their sister. Wooyoung himself loved her more than anything in the world.
It was almost eleven pm when they dropped her home. The lights at home weren't turned on. Byeol could feel the anxiety bubbling under her skin.
While his parents waited in the car, he held her hand as they waited by the door for her mother to open it. He gave her a soft grin, opening his mouth to say something when, her mother threw open the door.
Byeol could never remember exactly what happened that day. Her mother had grabbed her by the hair and pulled her in, a knife aimed at Wooyoung. There were times when she'd threatened her with it, but never others. His parents burst out of the car dragging him away before he could reach for her, before he could react. In the end, just as high school had ended, so had her delusions of freedom and family.
Fresh scars littered her arm, bruised turning blue and yellow. She never saw Jung Wooyoung again, because she never left the house. She wasn't allowed to leave.
That night her mother's last words to her stung her deeply, always ringing in the back of her mind.
"You were a punishment to me for believing the sweet words of a devil. He stole my place while I was left here, raising you. The stark reminder of the one mistake I made. I believed in love. You are a loveless creature. Least you could've done is be a good daughter. Can't even do that right."
She was locked in her room for a month after that. And Byeol didn't disobey her mother ever again.
Ever after she passed away
A week passed since she last saw yunho.
It's ironic that she had been living off the abundance of snacks he had given her before the fight. Now out of food, the hunger gnawing at her stomach had forced her to leave the house that she has holed up in since her discharge. Ignoring all her supposed duties had given her a sense of relief that she hadn't had in a long time.
For once her mother's voice was quiet.
Although it scared her to venture out again she knew this was the time to force herself into this.
She roamed the supermarket, ignoring how every little thing seemed to remind her of Yunho. She lingered in the snack section, staring at the star shaped biscuits he'd brought for her one day.
" Look, they made cookies just for you." He'd grinned holding two up to to his eyes. "Byeol cookies." She'd snorted, telling him to quit joking around. He cackled shovelling them both into his mouth and proceeding to choke. Even the little things hurt to think about.
A sudden pain in her side that sent her sprawling to the floor lurched her back to reality.
"ARE YOU OKAY???? OH MY GOD.." a young man with bright silver hair grabbed her hands pulling her up. He was a whirlwind of energy trying to pat her down, trying to help, talking a mile. Most of which, that went in one ear and out the other.
Finally gathering her bearings she looked up at the man who knocked her down, only to find the words dying on her tongue.
Standing in front of her was none other than Jung Wooyoung.
He looked her in the eye, realisation hitting them both at the same time. A soft hand resting on her cheek.
"Byeol?... Choi Byeol? Is that really you?"
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TBC
“Gris” (2018) reference
Yunho understands
The way he feels himself during this dance break is 😏
Video credit @madxny on X
when people write their songs of success it's hard but to scoff at their happiness.
i am surrounded by my many attempts, floor to ceiling with the crumpled papers of my losses
my heart once beating strong now a void, unable to be anything but numb
if i let myself feel anything i would shatter, like the mirror i took a hammer to yesterday
if i can't be happy for others, how can i be happy for myself
gratitude is a curse
but so is life
Juansen Dizon, i am the architect of my own destruction
Chasing Stars - JYH
Summary: Choi Byeol spent her entire life being the perfect daughter, even if those days withered her away into nothing. Until her perfect plan was sent into a spiral after being unwillingly paired with her enigmatic classmate Jeong Yunho.
"See you soon, starshine." He grinned before zooming away like he was Peter Pan, disappearing with the wind.
Pairing: Jeong Yunho / fem!OC
Genre: Angst with comfort, friends to lovers, slow burn.
Warnings: Heavy angst, mental health issues. Mentions of self harm (Will be added as the story progresses)
(A/N: this is the first fic I'm uploading here, it is a series but I'm unsure of whether I'll continue it or not as of yet, I hope you'll enjoy :) )
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When she sat on the motorbike, finally giving up at his insistence, she made sure to sit as far as it would allow. If he noticed, her direct refusal to touch him, he didn't say anything.
Jeong Yunho was an enigma. To someone like herself there was no explaining the man he is. He was laid back, carefree and kind to everyone he met. Though he was also the every college bad boy stereotypical biker. In comparison to her upstrung, aloof and cold personality, Jeong Yunho is the type of guy she stayed away from.
Except she was now on his bike.
He started driving slowly, the full coverage helmet he donned hiding whatever he was thinking about this situation. What he thought of the way she sat tensely on his bike, their borrowed library books in her hands, seconds away from falling off the bike should he start speeding.
Which, he in fact did, and he drove past her home.
Now was the time to start yelling for help. Or tell him to stop. But she couldn't bring herself to. As if in response to her reaction, or lack thereof, he started going faster.
The wind whizzed around them, messing up her carefully pinned up hair, something about the way the stars glimmered in the night sky, and the lights vehicles in front joining the twinkling, made her heart start pounding. Fear?... No, this was something else. Excitement, she decided.
With every second that passed he went faster and faster. A ghost of a smile dancing on her lips, laughter threatened to bubble out of her lungs. She knew that one bump would send her flying off the bike but she couldn't bring herself to care. For once in her life, she felt free.
To her surprise Yunho suddenly pulled over, stopping at the sideway. When they came to a stop, he got off the bike, pulling off his helmet.
"Why'd you stop?"
He looked at her surprised, but it lasted only a moment. Smiling softly, he placed the helmet on her head, adjusting it to fit her as well as it could. Then he took the books and placed them on the seat between her legs. Before he got back on, he seemed to hesitate before saying while gently taking her hands,
"Byeol... It's fun and all, but I want you to wear the helmet and hold on to me. You need to get closer too. I don't want you falling off, okay?" Without letting her respond, he got on. She thanked the helmet for hiding her face, cheeks burning in a way she had never reacted before. Byeol knew that he was waiting for her to respond through her actions.
So before the adrenaline in her veins goes away, she closed the distance between them, the books acting as a barrier, her legs touching his. She opted to gently, barely, wrap her arms around her waist after noting that his shoulders were far too tall for it to be comfortable.
He smiled, visible to her in the mirror, before taking off without warning.
The world blurred into a Van Gogh painting when she finally let herself go, her laugh ringing alongside the whistling of the wind. She didn't notice the way Yunho occasionally glanced over to her.
At a bump she instinctively tightened her arms around him, realising her mistake she was about to loosen her arms when he gently touched her arm as if to tell her to stay. So she stayed. She let the illusion keep going.
The euphoric daze lasted until yunho came to stop and gently tapped her on the arm, whispering that she was home, he got off first, taking the books between them before helping her off the bike. He helped her take the helmet off, her rosy cheeks and messy hair finally visible to him. He smiled satisfied before he handed the books to her.
Byeol could still feel her heart pounding, finding herself unable to look him in the eye, she bowed, bidding him goodbye. "See you soon, starshine." He grinned before zooming away like he was Peter Pan, disappearing with the wind.
She didn't know that she hadn't stopped smiling even as she went inside. Thinking about how this happened was a job for tomorrow Byeol.
Where did this start?
It was another day of boring lectures, of boring routine, of her boring life. She'd planned out every instance of her entire life, down to when she wants to get married, for what? Because if she weren't perfect she was nothing. At least that's what mother drilled into her head. Even though it's been years since she passed, a little voice in the back of her mind taunted her every time she stepped out of line.
So there she was, the perfect little daughter sitting in the front row of her quantum mechanics lecture, trying to pay attention when he stumbled into class. Half an hour late.
Why Jeong Yunho of all people would take astrophysics she doesn't know. He's definitely not stupid academically if he got into the programme. But she cannot explain for her life why he acted the way he did. Barely coming to class, If he showed up he was late, and worst of all, he was a flirt. So when he sat behind her next to who was known as the prettiest girl in the class, she knew there was no concentrating anymore.
The lecturer sighed, used to Yunho's antics, continuing the lecture. Byeol wanted to either stab herself or Mr. Suave himself, as he flirted with Kim Haera, the two of them giggling and whispering sweet nothings to each other.
She was just about to turn around and ask them to shut the fuck up when Mr. Park cleared his throat getting the class's attention back on him.
"I wanted to inform you that starting next week you should start working on your final assignment of this module. It is a presentation which you will do in pairs to your theory of choice. No, you will not get to choose the pairs, I have chosen for you." The class collectively groaned, Byeol sighed in relief, not having the courage to go ask anyone to pair up with her.
Mr. Park started calling out the names of the pairs, and for the most part she zoned them out, until...
"Jeong Yunho... Hmm, Mr. Jeong, you are with, Choi Byeol. Understood, miss Byeol, mister Jeong?"
She froze, unable to answer. She was supposed to work with him? Of all people?
Yunho tapped the back of her chair forcing her to turn around. He gave her one of his easy smiles, handing her a piece of paper. "Looking forward to it." He whispered. Before she could compute what just happened nor respond to it, he went right back to flirting with Haera.
Turning back in her seat, she opened the piece of paper to find Yunho's number and a note which said, 'meet me at the library :)'.
For the most part, Yunho was quite a breeze to work with. He was diligent in doing his part, working with an ease she would never have. He even helped her when she struggled with parts of it. Which made her wonder...
"Why are you wasting your potential?" The question was out of her mouth before she could stop herself, slapping a hand against her mouth, regret filling her blood.
Yunho looked like he was punched, but he quickly morphed it into a strained smile. "Uh... I don't know-" he started,
"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I think it's best to finish up for now, I'll just go home." She interrupted, immediately throwing her things into her bag.
Yunho tried to protest, as she tried to flee, following behind as she borrowed the books and headed out as soon it was over.
"Hey wait! At least let me drop you home!" He called jogging after her, she tried walking even faster, but she most certainly underestimated his long legs considering he grabbed her arms stopping her.
"Let me drop you home." He panted, hand still on her arm. Byeol shrugged it off, an unknown fire sparking where his fingers had been. 'Fraternising with boys? Your rival classmate at that?' her mother's voice sneered in her head.
"No thank you, it's alright. I'll walk." She replied curtly, refusing to meet his eyes.
Jeong Yunho refused to give up.
"It's late. It's not safe out here." He prodded, following her as she continued her strides, not even in the direction of her home, just hoping to get away from this situation. Her mother's voice taunting her.
And yet, he won.
The next morning, Byeol awoke with nothing but regret in her system. Clearly, WHAT was she thinking?? She went against every single moral, ethical and systematic code she had in place to make sure she didn't set a toe astray and yet, one look from the notorious flirt of her college and she went on a ride with him in the middle of the night??
Not to mention she insulted him to his face, and he took her on a ride as if he was the one that needed to apologize?? Jeong Yunho certainly was an enigma but she, Choi Byeol was an idiot. A raging hormonal idiot because nothing but her being in the ovulatory phase of her periods could explain this... this... ATTRACTION to Yunho. She tugged at her hair, letting out a strangled scream. She needs to get herself together. Whatever happens with Yunho from this moment forward needs to be strictly professional or so help her, she will eat her sock.
She's eating her socks alright.
The moment she stepped into the lecture hall she felt something wasn't quite right. Next to her usual seat, which remained empty considering no one wants to sit next to the 'stuck up', 'self righteous' bitch of the class, on time, actually in class with books to take notes on, was, Jeong Yunho himself...
Speak of the devil and he shall appear...
Byeol was about to turn and run out of this fever dream hellscape, when the devil himself called out with the vigour of an energetic puppy.
"Hii Byeol!! Come sit!" He excitedly pat her seat, earning the attention of everyone in the hall. Because why was THE Yunho, talking to the likes of her.
It's not like she could avoid him either, it was just her luck that Mr. Park arrived just as Yunho began to enthusiastically wave her over to her seat, earning a double take from the lecturer as well because the man with the worst track record in the history of his lectures. Unbeknownst to both Yunho and Byeol, Park Seonghwa thanked the stars that his idea to put both of them together worked like a charm.
The troublemaker Yunho got someone to motivate him and the wallflower Byeol got someone to bring her out of her shell. This plan was going to go splendidly.
Byeol sat next to Yunho, planning to ignore him for the rest of the class despite the heart palpitations threatening to send her into a spiral when he put an arm around her shoulder.
'You, are being a very bad girl.' her mother crooned in delight, finding joy in the fact that she would be punished after this. Her skin ran cold at the thought. Her mother would kill her tonight. For being this close to a boy. She shivered at the thought.
The weight of something warm and heavy interrupted her thought process. Her senses were suddenly filled with the warm scent on Yunho, if she were to describe it, it would be motor oil, vanilla and bad decisions. She glanced at him confused, as to why he placed his leather jacket around her shoulders. He smiled softly at her, leaning into whisper. "You looked cold. Keep it on."
If she hadn't lost her mind before, she was certainly going to now.
Before she could spiral further, she heard a scoff from behind them. Yunho doesn't seem to notice, as byeol glanced over to see a glaring Haera. She gave her an ugly look, mouthing to leave her Yunho alone.
You can have him, she thought, annoyed. She knew this was exactly the kind of thing that would happen if they were to interact. She didn't want this kind of attention. Not from him, not from anyone.
Unable to concentrate on the lecture she counted down the seconds to the end of the lecture. The moment Mr Park announced that class was over, she bolted.
"Byeol wait up!" Yunho called, following her. She wanted to walk away faster but there were a bunch of people blocking her way.
"Hey, wanna have lunch together?" He asked, throwing an arm around her, his height causing it to be quite a comical scene to those witnessing the top one unlikely event to happen.
She pushed him off, strengthening her resolve to set things straight between them.
"Mr jeong. Let me make this clear. I'm not your friend, I never will be."
The hurt look on his face was almost enough for her to take back her words. But the hundred of eyes burning every inch of her made her realise it was for the best. Yunho was not someone she could be friends with.
With that she turned and ran out of the university, wishing she was someone other than herself.
She should've realised that he was a force to be reckoned with.
The next day he was next to her seat again. Thankfully, Mr park had not arrived yet so Byeol went and sat at the furthest unoccupied seat she found without sparing him another glance.
Though they conversed on text about the project, she made sure to shut down any thoughts or suggestions of them meeting elsewhere again.
She felt suffocated at her home again, the one bedroom apartment nearby the university was not exactly, in livable condition, but considering she didn't earn much and had no one else to turn to, this was the only way. The icing on the cake however was when the power went out, shutting her laptop that was on charge down with it, erasing every bit of the assignment she had just been working on.
Reluctantly, she texted Yunho knowing that he deserves to know about this predicament.
'Mr. Jeong, the power in my place went out, my work got erased, my apologies. I will finish it again as soon as possible.' she hit send, sighing in the dark, claustrophobic room.
'If you had listened to me you wouldn't be in this condition stupid girl', her mother whispered in her head. She could almost swear she could see her, sitting on the bed with the cane in her hands.
"I did nothing but listen to you." She choked out, burying her head in her hands.
'talking back? Clearly you haven't listened enough. Punish yourself before I do it for you.' she sneered. Byeol quickly rooted around her desk drawer until she found the matches she stored in the desk. Rolling her sleeves, she lit one, but just as she was about to bring the flame to her skin, her phone pinged.
She snapped out of her daze. Reminding herself that her mother was no longer here. Byeol grabbed the phone to find yunho's reply.
'its alright, why don't you come down to the library? I'll help you fix it ;)'
She couldn't understand why he would still be nice to her. She had been ignoring him for the past week, pretending he doesn't exist unless he asked about the assignment. She offered him no explanation for her cold shoulder after having taken advantage of his nice ways, and yet, he continued to try and become her friend.
She felt the tears on her cheeks, unable to stop the flood once it started. Crying she stared at the phone unable to reply, unable to even think.
Almost as if he knew, Yunho called her.
She stared at the phone wide eyed. Why was he calling her?? She didn't know what to do. But almost by instinct, she picked up the call, pressing the phone to get ear.
"Hi, Byeol?" He sounded nervous. She almost laughed. However, what came out was a sob.
"Shit, uh, hey, it's ok. We can fix this. Don't worry okay, I'll help you. We can do this." He's rambling now. And she's laughing. But once she started laughing, she started crying.
She knew he was panicking but she couldn't do anything to stop it. Next thing she knew, he had announced that he was coming over and she couldn't bring herself to refuse.
In the darkness she sat, haunted by the evil that is her mother, but perhaps Jeong Yunho was the light that she needed to make her way out of the cage she'd been locked in.
Perhaps it could be.
Yunho arrived with his arms covered in shopping bags.
"I didn't know what you liked, and I brought tools." He muttered sheepishly as Byeol let him in. She didn't quite know what to think of the man she had been ignoring for the past week. Not to mention what he would think of her, in her ink stained clothes, messy hair and tear stained cheeks. Thankfully the darkness hid everything for now.
Yunho stepped into her home, carefully kicking off his shoes next to hers, there was something incredibly domestic about the way he casually made himself at home at her tiny apartment they had her equal parts absolutely thrilled and flustered at the same time.
"Sorry for the mess," she muttered, wincing at how scratchy her voice was, he seems to have caught on to that too as he immediately dropped the bags to the floor, grabbed her by the shoulders and made her sit on the bed.
The moonlight from the little window by her desk was the only illumination in the room, basking them in a soft glow. Yunho's face was close to hers as he seemed to take in her dishevelled state, reaching over and brushing a few strands of stray hair out of her face.
"Just sit tight okay, let me take care of this." He whispered softly, unable to look away from him, Byeol nodded. Smiling he got up and got to work.
It turns out, it was only her apartment that had lost power, the fuse breaking due to the fact that, her laptop charger had overheated. Which just meant that while she may have saved her apartment, her laptop and all her college work? Definitely fucked.
She sighed quietly as Yunho flitted around, messing with her circuit board doing the stars know what, until the lights in the room suddenly blinked on. He let out a whoop of victory, shimmying a little before twisting toward her doing the jazz hands, "tadaaa, let there be light!"
Byeol couldn't help but laugh at his silly antics, a little part of her wondering if this was what life was like with people who care about her.
He walked over to her with another shopping bag, pulling out a bag wet wipes, kneeling next to her, gently wiping away the tear stains on her cheeks.
"Wanna tell me what's really going on?"
She glanced at him, biting down in her lower lip, panic spiking.
"You don't have to if you don't want to, I just want you to know you don't have to do this alone." He was looking at the fading scars on her arms, but to her surprise there was no judgement towards her at all. In fact, his eyes were glassy with tears.
"I.. I can't talk about it right now." She managed, tearing her eyes away from him, unable to believe that someone like Jeong Yunho would cry over her.
"That's alright, you can when you are ready. I'm here. I'm your friend. I promise." He squeezed her hands softly.
Byeol could feel him breaking the wall she built around her heart brick by brick, sure it may not completely come down tonight, but he was slowly making his way in and she found herself letting him.
She just hopes that he wouldn't leave her, like everyone else did. Though if he does, it would be inevitable. Because if there was an equation that described her life, it would be that, if Byeol exists, there can be no connection to her. Should a connection be formed, it would be broken in some way to return to it's original state.
But for tonight, she could pretend that whatever this was, it wasn't on a timeline that was following the sands of an hourglass, rapidly flowing towards the other side, indicating the end fast approaching.
And when he took her hand, claiming that slightly melted ice cream is the best treat to make oneself feel better, she pushed the thoughts back into the pit.
Melting ice cream did in fact, taste amazing. And it might have to do with the giant brown eyed darling turned bad boy of her college, sitting across from her shovelling a giant spoonful into his mouth after pretending to feed her, only to be hit with the karma of brain freeze. She laughed like she had never before in her life.
Jeong Yunho had a way of making her feel free.
────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────
TBC
I feel like a spider on the wall in my own life.
Just outside, watching in
Like a puppet on strings, dealt a shitty hand
Like haphazardly cut hair in the sink
I feel like an actor in a play called 'my life'
I don't remember my lines half the time
It feels like I'm constantly being told to redo the same scene
With the director getting angrier and angrier as the days go by
Like a ghost possessing the shell of a man
Long gone his passion and long gone his love
Like wind chimes on my door frame
It's been years since they've last rung
I feel like a spider on the far corner of my wall
Covered in ash and dust
For what was once my life
Is but a clock stopped by rust
I think my problem has always been feeling too much or on the other hand not feeling enough. I could lament about the past years and years ago at midnight when I should be sleeping, or I could be laying on the sofa feeling numb midday on a Tuesday. These fluctuations of explosive feelings and void like numbness have always been the core of my issues. Sometimes a firecracker turned blaze, sometimes the center of a black hole. I can't tell if I'm alive or if I'm constantly stuck in this phase of not knowing how I should be feeling.
The downfall of a star, they've been whispering
As I crash and burn, falling off my pedestal
I didn't put myself up there, I protest
But they only point fingers from their own
The swansong of the century, they spread
Tearing my wings with their sharp words, they mock
I tell them it's not the end, I'm just at a crossroad
They scrutinize with closed eyes, blind to the wounds on my back
The corruption of an angel, they unkindly pity
I yell to them that I'm still the same, just struggling
They shake their heads in judgement, envy in their eyes
Unaware of the poison they leave in my blood
The fall of Icarus, they laugh.
To them it's a tragedy.
I close my eyes and tell myself,
Icarus fell yes, but to him that was the best day of his life.
Perhaps mine is yet to come
I feel like a bottle floating through the sea. There's nothing to anchor me to the depths as I keep getting pushed around by the waves. I know the hands that tossed me in here and I yearn for them to take me back. But they have left me to get sunk in the rain. My only hope is for a new pair of hands to hold me, but I'm drifting far from the main land, and there's no hope of return. SOS to humanity... Can you hear me?
There was a time when we'd celebrated with fireworks, watching as the colour burst across the sky.
The only thing bursting now is my heart that waited in anticipation for an ounce of love I know I won't get.
I had different versions of myself, it often coincided with my favourite colour at the time
When I was a little girl, I was pink, I was a bright, bubbly creature, often described as incredibly infectious by others. As little girls should be. Sugary sweet and loved
When my family moved abroad, my favourite colour became purple, much like most people who love this colour, I stood out. The only person from my country to go to my new school and the only child wearing a hijab in my class, it reflected my uniqueness in a new environment
Coming back to my country, it was blue. I had missed the bright skies that I could see from my window in contrast to the big buildings I had to get used to. I missed the sea and the beach. The soft sand and pieces of sea glass I collected from them. I was glad to be home.
My life took a turn, I was a teenager, I was discovering new feelings that I had previously been shielded from by the innocence of childhood. My favourite colour became black, as my heart became a void. I was heartbroken and sad, such as life goes.
I am an adult now, my favourite colour is green, life still comes with many trials. Some end in triumph, some end in tears. I don't know if this is my final colour, I'm still awaiting the lesson to be learned from it. One thing is for sure, my life is a rainbow. And I wouldn't change a thing about it
the taste in my mouth is bitter, regret and guilt filling the void where my heart should be the moment the words leave my mouth. the 'no' i anticipated already made real without a thought as always,
to want is a sin when you are the burden they bear.