Same Difference

28.inconsistent.acollectionthatgrowsasido.

[titleme]

Hi my love, if you happen upon this page, just know I'm quite embarrassed. My love for you, how much I wanted to give up so you could be happy and just my emotions in general. Please don't mention any of this to me. However you feel, if you change your mind. Its okay. I know it's alot to take In. And I've prepared myself. But please, please let me know if its something you don't want. I can accept it now, but if you prolong it, it will hurt us both.

[titleme]

I don’t know what to do - everything seems to be on your time, when you want it, with no regards to how I feel. Is this what I really wanted? No not all. We promised to change, yet why does it feel like you changed only to benefit yourself. And my changes are being nit picked. How could you leave me crying with no remorse to how immature you acted? Sleeping without a care in the world. 

I feel like I’m doing so much, yet I am continuously being treated like trash. And you don’t see anything wrong with your actions. You twist and turn things to make it seem like I’m overthinking or I’m being a baby. Take a good a look in the mirror, take a good look at how you are truly treating me, whether you intended to or not. 

Of course I want to be with you - I see my future with you. But if my future contains more days and nights like this, I’ll have to reconsider where my priorities lie. Is it worth being treated like this to be with you, or is my self-worth more important to me? 

The real question is - this can’t be the ultimatum I’m forced to choose is it? 

[titleme]

Hey. You. With the eyes, the dimple, the to die for smile. How long must I deal with the disrespect? How long must I feel like I'm worthless to you? You know me, you know how I feel but you push me to the edge. Are you trying to break me? Hah. I'm already broken. But my spirit, thats a different story. Slowly, I feel my spirit deteriorating as you continue to hammer away at the delicate fibers of my soul. My will, my perseverance, my efforts - breaking into pieces before my very eyes. How did I lose myself so quickly? It can't just be me that needs to change is it? No it can't be. It can't. How do you sleep at night knowing I'm heartbroken at your continuous emotional abuse?

[titleme]

Nowadays, I’m trying not to sweat the little things. Admittedly, my temper tends to fluctuate, but I’ve been doing better. When I catch myself slipping, I take deep breaths - assess the situation and hope I can pull myself out of any anger or despair. Some days are easy and other days deem difficult. 

I’ll forever search for the bright side, if I don’t, who will...

[titleme]

You said the words I’ve longed to hear without me knowing that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. I did know it is the reassurance I need to keep fighting my demons and control the overthinking. I know I tend to be pushy, but what I’ve learned is to let you naturally come to me as you allow yourself to settle in your thoughts. I am different in the sense that I think of everything and if I don’t allow myself to express my thoughts - I explode. A delicate balance - We didn’t have much control of it before - so it seemed harder than it was. Our stubborn personas made what seems so easy now, difficult in our earlier years. I am happy that the risks we took somehow worked out and lead us to a path where we found each other again. 

Allow me to repeat myself.. 

You drive me crazy - I drive you insane. Nonetheless, at the end of the day and every day forward, I love you. You truly are the love of my life.

[titleme]

In my notebook I wanted to create a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Initially, I was thinking of jotting down hobbies to dabble in. However, it took a peculiar turn and I was left with the following:

Find a hobby that I enjoy and makes me happy?

Why was a question mark added? Accident or not there seems to be a blockage within yourself that won't allow you to be happy.

Start a family.

With? The fact you did not specifiy with who you want to start a family with may indicate fear. Be sure your trust issues are improving. Do not allow yourself to be stagnant. You know he is who you want to be with - and the only person you saw a family with. Do not do him and yourself the disservice of leaving what may seem minor out.

Lose weight - Feel better about myself.

If losing weight makes you feel better about yourself - why did you gain it in the first place? Balance yourself - it's okay to gain a few pounds, don't let it get in the way of self-love. If you want to love yourself, allow you to be free of being boxed in. You can depend on yourself.

I learned a few things through this weird conversation within myself.

I am hard on myself.

I barely trust others, and rarely do I trust myself.

I find it hard to believe in myself.

My happiness is confined to the limitations I give to myself.

So here's my new list: (so far)

I am going to build a mechanical keyboard.

I am going to learn how to code.

I am going to try and create a cosplay outfit.

I am going to improve in art.

I am going to start a family with the love of my life

I am going to lose weight to better my health.

I am going to be happy.

I am stopping the limitations set for me by me.

I am stopping the self-doubt.

I am trusting, loving, and I have faith in myself.

I love myself.

[titleme]

Anyone else make mistakes then take it to heart for the rest of the day, month, year?

Yeah, me too.

[titleme]

Remember - Stay positive. Stop self doubting yourself. Be creative. Make a list. Workout. Communicate. Never stop moving. 

You can be your own worst enemy - or your own ally - there is always a choice.

[titleme]

Lately, I’m finding it difficult to express myself in words. Or rather, I’m scared to. I tend to catch the energies of others, and I find myself replying to those energies through my own. Sometimes, I don’t actually know how I’m feeling. The best way for me to calm down these feelings is if I distract myself with a project, or watching random things on YouTube/Netflix. 

Though, other times, those energies could very well be my own. I’m having a difficult time separating what is what - thus my struggle to convey my feelings. 

Or maybe, I’m just being sensitive. 

[titleme]

This past weekend, I finally created a vision board with my best friend. With limited resources, I was able to create a pretty full board. There are things that are still missing but I'm excited after a year of talking about it - we finally did it.

To envision a future that I am fully commited to, is still so new to me, yet so refreshing. To feel like I have a future is exciting. I'm constantly fearful of what it may bring, but I am hopeful for all the happiness I know will come.

My goal is to not only work towards the future, but to feel secure in it. I have my doubts, and I'm constantly worried. And in my head those doubts and fears seem like a betrayal to myself and my loved ones.

I will not just standby and let these thoughts win. I'm going to try everyday until my last breath - because it is all worth fighting for.

[titleme]

What's interesting is, I constantly give myself the 'supporting' role.

I play scenes in my head that I'm the girlfriend that is all happy and ignorant to the fact their partner is secretly talking to someone else he truly loves.

When I was single, I played scenes in my head that I was just a side chick the person of my affections talked to here and there, and was with the girl he actually wanted to be with.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I constantly give myself the short end of the stick. I've gone through years of being Option B, a place holder, and pretty much a doormat when it comes to love. I hadn't realized how mentally warped my brain has become.

Everyday, I'm struggling with self-love. I've gotten better, but I know I have years and years of trauma that I have to fight through. Some days are great, but the days that aren't, really effect my mental.

Despite feeling like that, I'm still trying. I don't want to lose the fight within myself. I've already gotten this far, I can't give up.

As each day passes by, I'm closer to my goals, my future. I will always fear that the carpet will be pulled beneath me, but I can't let that stop me from moving forward. No... I mustn't.

[titleme]

I want so much. I want to do so much. The endless possibilities within my grasp - I’m ready to go for it. I want to go for it. Anything, everything let’s go. 

[titleme]

I know it's not my place. But I'm going to try no matter what. I love you. And I'm going to keep loving you.,

[titleme]

There are times my confidence sky rockets and I feel at ease. Then, out of nowhere, I feel as though there's a gravitational pull on my emotions... slowly bringing me down beneath the Earth's surface.

I've gotten better at picking myself up. I've tried so hard all these years to do it myself.

But then I think of the times I've done it myself and I've come to find that it wasn't just me by myself. I go through the images in my head of my family, my friends, and my love.

I've never done it myself - the effect of all those who surround me have given me more life than I've ever given them credit for. Mostly because of the shame I felt for considering such things.

I'm here. The debt I owe them all, is lifelong.

[titleme]

I'm not perfect. I do shit things. But I try my best to abide by whatever I need to - to get by. I don't want trouble, I just want what I want. I'll do what I have to - to keep the peace. But please don't take advantage of me..

[titleme]

It’s going to be a long process, but for us, I’ll try my hardest. 

I’m living in the present with you. And whatever the future holds, I’m damn certain it’s going to be with you. 

I’m still not confident to throw my fears away, but step by step, I know Ill get there with you by my side. 

I won’t give up.

[titleme]

What you’re asking.. is difficult for me. 

Yes, I realize I had asked you to do the same and was saddened when you weren’t okay with me being friends with my ex. 

Yes, I realize you may have a had a change of heart now that you see how not being friends with them is heart breaking because there is still love there.

But I don’t trust you. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust myself. 

In my time, I accepted that being friends with an ex could definitely cause trust issues. And that I was willing to end a friendship as hard as it is for you. It came to the point of - if things ended between us, there is a backup. 

There will always be a fear in the back in my mind. And I fear that is what will drive us apart. I will eventually lead you back to her due to my low self-esteem. I am not confident enough to be with you.

The way you speak about her seems so genuine, like there is a soft spot in your heart. And I understand, I mean you love her. Why the feelings were lost is still confusing even after you explained it to me. 

I also know, that you have a Hero Complex. She comes from a messed up family. Her friends and anyone she has come in contact with essentially fucks her over. And you want to save her. You don’t want to be one of those people who leaves her. Even though you fucked her over too. Is it the guilt? Knowing that as you treated her poorly she still smiled? She still said everything was okay? She still saw you with love? She was still kind to you..

But I’m no better. As you spoke about her, I wanted to save her. I wanted to be the friend that could help. But on the other hand, I don’t want her swaying you even though I’m sure my drunk messages did that to you. Though, her being a good person, she may not and I’ll feel even worse. I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions.

I just need you to prove to me that I have nothing to worry about. But how are you going to do that? I have no clue. You have a harem of girls that I know for a fact would be there for you in a heartbeat. What makes me so different except for the fact you ‘chose’ me. 

My self-love has taken a deep hit.