Turning Over Stones

Whether it's a pebble or a boulder, I'm not gonna leave it unturned. Maybe I'll be lucky and find myself along the way.

[tkendall]

June

It was December 2022 and the new year was right around the corner. I was preparing for it like most people do. I bought a small unlined light gray notebook to use for a bullet journal. Or, at least, my version of a bullet journal. It's cheaper than most goal setting planners and I get to be creative. I also bought a small lined notebook with the colors of cream and blueish gray, to match the bullet journal, with the words, "Never stop exploring. Adventure awaits." It's a whole vibe. The goal was to use the bullet journal to keep up with monthly goals and to keep track of all the happenings going on in my life. The adventure notebook would be filled out daily. It would encourage adventure and show daily growth. But instead I rarely fill out the bullet journal and the daily journal shows repetitive discouragement and sadness. Month after month. Day after day. The same thing.

At some point Thursday evening (June 1st) I felt a small shift. This was probably when I was re-watching Kalyn Nicholson's "Spring Cleaning" YouTube video (I've been really loving her spring time vibes), or Carter Sullivan's "Mid-Year Goal Check In" video. I had a small thought of starting over flow through me. It's time to find a new job and focus on my health. Both body and mind.

It's time for a serious change.

Saturday June 3, 2023

[tkendall]

edness

Hello Spring!

It’s that time of year when the sun fights to shine but the cold of winter still wants to linger on. This holds true to myself. 

I want to shine bright through my sadness.

I want to bloom. To be the me I know exists under those layers of woe.

To fight back against what holds me in a constant state of dispiritedness. Unmotivated. Uninspired. Lacking creativity and excitement. Without energy. Emotionless. Closed hearted. Bored. 

I’m a hermit crab in survival mode. Gaining weight and sitting around. Lifeless.

I want to lose 20lbs. and be fit and healthy. I want to be full of life, creativity and adventure. I want my heart to overflow with love.

So, Spring. Shall we?

#projectme

#workinprogress

[tkendall]

MY LITTLE URBAN GARDEN

PLANTS:

Vegetables:

~ Husky Cherry Red Tomato

Herbs:

~ Lemon Balm

~ Spearmint

SEEDS:

Vegetables:

~Colored Beets

Herbs:

~ Lavender

~ Rosemary

~ Basil

I’m thinking about planting more. Red and purple potatoes, a different variety of tomato, spinach, arugula, cilantro, etc.

The beet seeds are in their permanent pot, but I have yet to purchase pots for the others and decide on a space and layout for my little urban garden on the back patio. 

[tkendall]

WEEKEND OFF: DAY TWO

The sun is shining, the air is warm and I’m so ready for day two of my weekend off. I’m feeling productive! Sadly my fiance is heading into work again. I send him off with a hot travel mug full of coffee and I begin my day. 

Today’s major goal: to clean the back patio.

End goal: to create a sanctuary of sorts. A place we can gather, grill, harvest and relax.

The patio is made of cement w/just a small patch of soil w/flowers(daffodils & leafy plants grown by the previous renter). I sweep up the fallen leaves leftover from Autumns past and pull weeds from the flower bed. This is day one of the patio makeover. It may not sound like much, but it looks so much better.

I still need to clean an area of the patio of spilled oil from a deep fryer. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this. I want it to be cleaned w/environmentally friendly products and I need to figure out how to bring up/dispose of the mess.

A few other accomplishments:

~ I moved a multi-plug that ran across the floor near the front door, always        having to step over it every time we came home to a different out-of-the-way    place.

~okay...I can’t remember the other accomplishments because I’m writing this weeks later. I need to work on keeping up with my writings.

I also ate very well. Similar to yesterday. 

And with a great clean up, one has to enjoy a delicious beer.

[tkendall]

Renewed

Spring weather has finally arrived and I’m feeling completely refreshed! Today upon awakening I made me and my fiance a special blend of coffee. A few scoops of hazel nut Folgers, a few scoops or so of freshly ground French roast Starbucks and one scoop of Death Wish coffee. We are down to the bare minimum in the coffee department. This mix actually brewed a fantastic cup of joe!  Mine was enjoyed to motivate and energize for a productive day off and his, sadly, to go. A work day for him.

I waved good bye from the other side of the screened front door but instead of shutting the main door I decided to leave it open. I was a gorgeous day after all and the apartment needed some airing out after the winter season. I walked into the kitchen and opened the back door as well. I also pushed the curtains open to get some of that bright spring sun shining through. 

I immediately began cleaning, organizing and checking off a few things from my to do list. 

~Clean Layla’s interior(my darling Subaru Impreza).

~Wash clothes & dishes.

~Start cleaning up the back patio that I’m going to turn into a small sanctuary of   sorts. A place to gather, grill, harvest food and relax.  

~Hook up my VHS player so I can start working on my fitness. I prefer to    workout w/Claudia Schiffer:-)

~Reddup the bedroom so I can preform above mentioned workout. It’s a kitty    hair free zone and while I’m working out upstairs my fiance can be downstairs  doing his thing. 

~Vacuum as much of the house as I can. Especially the living room rugs and       both sets of stairs. 

~Dust as much as I can.

~Clean the coffee table.

~Continue organizing and simplifying our apartment. I want our place to be cozy  and stylish. I moved in w/my fiance last summer and well....you know how that  goes. 

I feel so accomplished. Of course there’s so much more to do but what a fantastic start today. On top of getting so much done I also ate good foods(maybe not dinner) and I ate about every three hours. 

~Late Breakfast: avocado & blueberry pudding

~Lunch: 1 mashed sweet potato w/pecans, cinnamon and a bit of milk, 2 poached eggs on a bed of spinach

~Snack: 1 mango, 1 kiwi

~Dinner: Pizza!! Also, I may have had a Nutty Buddy. I think I need to make homemade chocolate peanut butter protein balls. That could help!

I’m a work in progress.

[tkendall]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDzlAfFH_A0)

[tkendall]

Disappointed

I had the chance to see this band several years ago. I liked them just fine, but they didn’t resonate with me until now. My best friend, who really likes the band, and works with the lead singer, bought their CD. He said I’d really like them and that I should borrow the CD to listen to. I listened and liked them just fine, as I did before. But then this song played. I heard only the last two lines. Those last two lines of the song stood out so strongly with me. I replayed the song again. And then again. And then another time. I took the CD with me and played this song on a continuous loop.

The song is about her parents being disappointed with her. I heard the song in a different way. This is art.

I picture singing these words to the younger version of me reflected in the mirror.

“When I was younger you had a big plan for me. And I can see that you’re kind of disappointed.”

[tkendall]

"Friend"

Friend. Friend. I repeated that word over and over again until it meant nothing. To a point that it became fictitious. Something we tell our kids so that when they grow up they will have a happiness to hold onto to keep them going. Like the pot of gold that waits us at the end of a beautiful rainbow, like the plump jolly man that slides down our chimneys to deliver gifts under our trees in the cold of winter or the hopefulness that there’s ONE other person out there that was meant for us and is only waiting to be found. We have this fantasy that a friend is someone that loves and cares for you and will always be there for you. Will never lie or deceive you in a big way and will never hurt you on purpose. A friend is someone you have fun with, EPIC fun. These are the people you explore the World with and will be by your side as you dive into your ‘next big adventure’. But then as time goes on you find that friends will hurt you, disregard you, be there for you only when’s its convenient for them and dispose of you when you are no longer beneficial in their life or of their image. They will miss you only to never see you or not be present went you are there with them. The World is made up of family, people you know and people you don’t know. Friends are just people you know. What now?

[tkendall]

Get your shit together Tami!

[tkendall]

I'm a work in progress.

[tkendall]

Current song I have on repeat. Just heard The Lumineers about a week ago for the first time and I love them. I bought their cd and have tickets for their concert in a week.

[tkendall]

Whole Living

As I was wondering down the magazine isle of a store the cover of Whole Living magazine, a Martha Stewart publication, balancing body and soul, caught my attention. Included was a four week clean eating action plan. This was exactly what I needed. Before starting it recommended that you write down five things that the detox means to you and what you hope to achieve.

1.  Have more energy

2.  Nutrition

3.  To have a body to nature connection

4.  For a vibrant glow, healthy skin and body

5.  To lose a few pounds, of course

I got on the scale and it officially registered on the high end of what I find acceptable. Well, actually it went over that number by four pounds. My skin was looking dull, my eyes red, and I was lacking so much energy that the thought of going to get the mail was tiring. I want to eat more organic as well. That would come along in time. Trying to eat healthy AND organic is a bit too daunting right now. I enjoy eating bread, pasta and potatoes. It definitely lacks nutritional value.

So, week one is all about vegetables and fruit. Basically you’re vegetarian for the first week. I went grocery shopping but couldn’t get some of the ingredients, mostly the spices, too expensive. So sometimes I got stressed out that I didn’t have some of the spices to make a recipe. How would it turn out? So I wouldn’t make a recipe. It also seemed expensive to me to use a juicer, which I thankfully had due to a friend giving me her old one, but it seemed wasteful to me to put so many vegetables through a juicer and have a little juice and having to throw away the rest of the vegetable. So I did the fruit smoothies instead, no waste. I get overly stressed out about these things. So, I would skip meals. By the second or third day the little energy I had was sapped away from me. I sat on my bed in the middle of the day and fell asleep due to no energy.  And then I started adding chocolate into the detox....oh, boy....

Coffee and alcohol aren’t permitted in while following the detox, obviously. I had previously made plans to have drinks with a friend at my favorite local brewery. Initially I was going to bail on those plans but quickly changed my mind. So beer was also added into the detox plan.

In conclusion, this isn’t working. What have I decided? That yes I do want to eat healthier and eventually more organic. But I’m not going to eliminate what I love about life. I enjoy lounging at a coffee house sipping on a macchiato while reading a book. I enjoy going to the brewery with friends and imbibing in the latest ales of pine or lavender. Why eliminate these joys of life? Joy is the reason for getting up and stretching in the morning!

[tkendall]

i heard.....

"I heard that your dreams came true". That line stays with me. In case you don't know that line is at the begining of "Someone Like You" by Adele. She is so brave to be able to write lyrics so vulnerable. I never thought I'd hear a girl say these words out loud even in verse. Words that should remain in the female vault til the end of time. Though to be honest, I only hope the worst for that other person.

At the same time I ask "At the end of it all how many people can say their dreams came true?" Most everyone has a dream. Pen & paper, word document, buried deep within ourselves, we all send those dreams out into the universe in some way hoping ours are the chosen ones. That just maybe my dream will come true. Not too many of those dreams are honored. Its truly sad. Yet individually we hold the key to our own happiness, our own clouds to sit upon. Definitely not easy and not without struggles. Its true. We can do anything we put our minds to, but we also carry within ourselves the pull, the walls, the closed doors that remain forever locked which in turn close off the hallways to some of those dreams. The mind is so complex that even if we wanted something to happen those blockades are there to hinder those dreams from percolating. So we choose a different hallway. Something easier to treck, less painful and second best. Maybe we'll get that beautiful house, a decent job, a husband that likes us, close friends and a fantastic movie collection. But that deep down pure happiness 'my dreams came true' kinda life seems impossible to me. So most likely your ex is gonna have a crappy semi-blah life you can smile about :) A little cloud to rest on til you can rework on those dreams for your own life.

We get one life. One chance at it all. Maybe its time to start knocking down those walls.

[tkendall]

"Why call it Purple?"

Excerpt from Scott Weiland Not Dead & Not For Sale:

When the record was finished a music writer asked me "Why did you call it Purple?"

"Because it sounds purple" I said. "Besides, that's a stupid question. Why is your rag called Spin?"

And I thought ...because everything has a meaning. There's a reason why you named it Purple. Then I thought...wait a minute. On many many occasions I have said "Why does everything have to have a meaning? Why can't something just be?" I've said this since high school English class when we had to interpret poems. Maybe it was in defense to the fact that my interpretations were usually different from the writer's or simply obsolete. I sometimes had no freakin' clue what the writer meant. I tested this out in college. I wrote a poem and asked my friend to tell me what she thought it meant. Her interpretation was not what the poem was about. Therefore, I think only the writer knows the meaning to his or her own work. The human mind is complicated and mysterious. Sometimes we barely know what we mean ourselves. Especially when it comes from the mind of an artist. Sober, drunk, drugged up, depressed....who the hell knows what deep meaning can come from a work of art especially when emotions start getting involved. Even artists admit to not understanding their own words at times. You have to go into a certain subconscious state of mind and forget about the literal or already established meanings. So just try to get into another persons subconscious mind. I don't see that as possible.

So again...me trying to figure out who I am, I'm not sure that's even possible. Maybe I just need to admit that I am a complex human being with many sides that does not need to be figured out at all. Maybe I should just be, enjoy all that I love about life, and try not to define myself. Why do I feel the need to define myself? This kinda changes my initial reasons for starting Tumblr.... 

[tkendall]

My Inspirations

 Patrick J. Adams-Originally he inspired me as his character Byron in the movie Weather Girl. Web designer, to which I want to be, cute (not sure this is an inspiring trait for myself, but I had to let you know he is. Very!), confident, easily outgoing and funny. Come to think about it, these are traits I want in a guy. Hmm, I’m mixing up my lists....Let me add then, a gorgeous smile, beautiful blue eyes and a great laugh that makes me smile and my heart race. Hey, it’s my blog and sometimes I shift directions. You should also know I’m easily distracted. Then I looked into his other work as a real person and became even more impressed with him. He’s a photographer, another title I wish to hold, and he’s a naturally good actor on TV and in movies. I like that he is an artist in many forms. I need to get back into art. I need to get back into that creative world.

What should I do with this inspiration?  

-Keep up with blogging. Patrick also has a blog on Tumblr.

-Take more photographs and actually use my flickr account. Save for a ‘real’ camera. And learn about photography...I know nothing about the subject. I just like taking cool looking shots.

-Buy a blank paged journal and draw more.

-And as always keep tweaking my life to make it mine

   I thought I was going to write a list and include a sentence or two as to why that person inspired me but instead has became a long version of why I simply love the person. I guess it’s an inspirational list with a twist!

[tkendall]

Inspiration is all around

Inspiration lies all around me. From the music I listen to, the movies I watch, the photographs I see and take, to the group of people I choose to draw inspiration from, even the daydreams that lie within me. The more I delve into these things and surround myself with these images and feelings of what I am inside, the more I feel like the true me and begin to create my world and hopefully someday project that unto others and just....be.

Finding who I am is a bit difficult for me, though. I have no single direction that I travel in. A person whose opinion I admire and advice I take once described me as eclectic. I had never thought of myself as being eclectic, but agreed completely with her. Eclectic to me had always meant someone who is cool, walks to the beat of her own drum, and maybe a little bit unusual in that bohemian kinda way. Webster’s meaning: using various sources. Basically I like so many different things from one end of the spectrum to the other that eclectic may be the only way to describe me. I never see myself as I am until others show me. I enjoy hearing their insights on me. Selfish? Egotistical? No. It’s because I don’t see myself clearly and it’s interesting to hear how I’m viewed through other people’s eyes. And quite frankly they are two very different descriptions.

But, if you look closely everything I like is connected in some small way. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the thread that links one to the other, but its there. My next blog will contain my inspirational list. Why not now? I need to think about who and what is on that list and, well, no one wants to read a long blog.

[tkendall]

Water Adventures on Surfside Beach

Last year while hanging out on the beaches of OBX I noticed a young kid skimming the water with a small wooden board and thought, “That looks like fun. I’d like to try that.” Well a year later my opportunity arose. My family wanted me to join them on vacation to Surfside Beach, SC along with another family. After a few hours, or was it days, I finally figured out the name of this particular water sport. Skim boarding. I came across this little tutorial and video. There is one guarantee in attempting to skim board. The guarantee: You will fall and you will fall hard. The sand will feel like sand paper. And many visits to hospitals are due to skim boarding. But it looks so easy that you’d think it was a beginner’s sport. And a child in OBX did it! I was doing it!!

Me and my brother purchased our skim boards along with boogie boards. We were ready! My brother went skim boarding first. I watched nervously to try it myself. I didn’t think about the people who may be watching us, or the fact that I may get hurt. I was just nervous. I even let the seven year old try it before I convinced myself to. That’s the good part. I built up my courage instead of psyching myself out. My attempts consisted of me barely standing on the board. My brother was the first to take a scrapping. It didn’t seem major. My turn to try came again. My fifth attempt and I crashed and burned. I ate sand! I stood up and noticed a large span of skin just below my knee was now bright white. Layers of my skin were sanded away. Me and my brother will have matching scars to commemorate our skim boarding experience.

My brother made another attempt later in the week with better success. I watched.

With blood running down our legs you’d think beach day was over. Nope, we still had boogie boarding to do! With our twelve year old instructor giving us pointers we caught some good waves in. Boogie boarding is easy, but still requires a little bit of skill. We kinda didn’t think about our open wounds with sharks possibly lurking in the waters. Not until we were home and mother mentioned it. Oh yeah....

When going to the beach my boogie board will have its place in my car along with the beach chair and umbrella. The skim board will probably go to, but it may take a little longer to convince myself to toss that wood board upon the water and run onto it. Or at least wait until the end of the week to try it.

What I think I’ve learned:

I’m not much of a beach girl. I don’t like the tan lines. Though, I like it better when I’m physically active and not just sitting under an umbrella for hours.

I never want to move to a state that has a hot climate year round. I like the seasons, especially autumn.