TK Layman

tk layman is a sad queer poet hailing from the capitol city of Salem,OR. They like cliches, dogs, coffee, and short lists. Maybe some other stuff too, who knows? Who cares? Certainly not tk.

[tklpoet]

IN WHICH THE POET TELLS THEIR DAD THEY ARE NOT A BOY (after Ashe Vernon)

Dad, I'm sorry I know this conversation was set to come And maybe it's too early But I need to tell you I'm not a boy I know that when I grew up You had this idea of everything you wanted me to be And I wanted to be none of it You speak to me as a man But there's not enough whiskey in the world To teach me what That word meant And I Thought I could bench press my way into knowing But the word man carries the weight Of a cross Too heavy to bear You call me son and it fits wrong Like the suit jacket you bought me for your brothers wedding 10 years ago It just isn't my size anymore It's Something I grew up from, out of and away from And Between all the football pads, baseball helmets, and wrestling mats I tried to live up to your expectations But it hit me like a linebacker at full speed That I can't be who you wanted me to You tell me to Man up Like being a man is the only thing you want from me You tell me don't cry As if the rivers flowing from my eyes will dry up And make me forgive you You tell me stop acting like a girl Because to you Being a girl is wrong? Or just not what you had in store for me I look at myself and see a different image One of a person Not man Not woman But a person whole and complete Without an assigned gender to them So, I'm sorry dad, That the body you gave me Does not fit Like the suit jacket Like man, he, him, boy, son The words fall from your mouth but they sound foreign. It is a language that is dead to me And I no longer wish to speak it So I'm sorry dad I'm not a man I'm sorry dad But I'm more human without a pronoun I'm sorry dad... I'm sorry.

[tklpoet]

I don’t know much, But I do know this. Sometimes, we don’t have to die to get to heaven. It’s the space between the sheets and the covers, Or the breath of fresh air on a warm summer’s day. It’s the look in your eye, or the smile on your face. Maybe heaven isn’t somewhere we have to try and get into, but rather… The space around us that allows us to exist in harmony. See I don’t know much, but what I know is that your voice sounds like the songs of angels, and I pray to god, every day that he allows me one more minute with you. And all I really know, is that if I really wanted to go to heaven. All I’d have to do. Is be by your side.

‘heaven’

-tklayman

(via tklpoet)

[skafunkpastapunk]

White paper sheets White tile floors I’ve been here before I’ve been here before And the nurses footsteps draw near They go clack clack clack In my head Im stuck to to this bed I can’t get out Help me please I want to go home I’ve been here before And the clack Clack Clack in my head gets louder and louder This scene was supposed to be beautiful Im supposed to be getting help But the footsteps get louder The footsteps Get louder Going Clack Clack CLACK In MY HEAD I want to go home, Back to my bed but This scene The hospital bed I am bound to arrive in a psych ward In a matter of hours I have no power And I want to go home This isn’t a beautiful cry for help This is my reality I look around To fake scenery and the FOOTSTEPS GET LOUDER And I just want to go home Please. Let me go home. The hospital I stayed at was not A place for healing I spent three days waiting for a bed to lay in And to sleep They just loaded me down with pills To help me sleep They silenced All that was in my head It was not a beautiful scene Not a desperate cry for attention It was my hell Guarding my emotions Telling them I was okay When I was anything but I never wanted this bed But I’m here And I can’t go home I just want to go home But the footsteps get louder they go Clack. Clack… clack.

“PMC” by tk layman (via tklayman)

[tklpoet]

I am soft Yet strong Worthy And valid For my past does not Define my future And today’s struggles Do not set the tone For tomorrow.

Good things will come I just have to Head That way

“Soft, Yet Strong” by TKLayman

[tklpoet]

Hey, if a poet performs a piece that's difficult for them and shows emotions afterward maybe don't tease them about it.

[tklpoet]

Fifteen year old me, boy are you in for a world of not knowing what the fuck is going on. First off, you got the car you always wanted, problem is it broke down less than a month after you got it. No worries, you learned to drive a manual in three days and that led to the car you didn't know you wanted but always needed. You've been up and down. Remember getting pissed off about people telling you like boys...? Well, buddy, I'm not sorry to say it. Also you're not really a boy, or a girl? You're kind of. A human. An alien. You exist in between the plane of real and accepted, and ignored or rejected. That's ok though because you learn that other people's opinions? Well they're like dicks. Not everyone has one, and if they do? They're probably small and meaningless. You dated a man. That didn't go so well. It's been two years since you threw him out and you're still healing. You learn that healing, is never a straight line. There's some bumps and curves. Sometimes you break down and go back a ways but that's okay because you kept going. And you live. Oh my god, do you live. You tried to die on purpose. You survived. Be thankful for that because the person who kept you from dying doesn't know it but you owe your entire being to that extraordinary act. And man do you start to live for yourself. Take no shit but do no harm, that's become your mantra. Be unapologetically you because there is only one TK in the world. Oh, you go by TK now for reasons mentioned above. You will love yourself. Maybe late in life, but it's still there. And God! All the things you were told you were never going to do? Well you're doing them. You've become successful in your own way. Mom and dad are never going to share in your success but keep going anyways. Because fuck their opinion. You are an author, a poet, a college student, a mental health professional, and a dog mom. You got the dog you wanted. It took you years of fighting and arguing to get the that damn dog but you got her. And six others to suit. You love Her with all your heart, even if she makes you mad as hell sometimes. Love her as much as you can. And fifteen year old me? You're going to be ok. I don't know if this me telling you then or telling myself now but you'll make it. It takes time, effort, perseverance, and a SHIT LOAD of hard, grueling work. But you're going to make it. I love you buddy. Be smart. Be safe. And I'll make sure we have a good life from here on out.

Letter To My Fifteen Year Old Self

[tklpoet]

My grandma was 5'2" tall She told me being the smallest person always meant having the loudest voice Between her thick Boston accent Cutting glares And demanding tone She laughed like miracle Her face would brighten the room Did you know, Nana, that since you passed I have tried filling that darkness The gloom of missing you With creating a much light as possible Creating an atmosphere of light Full of laughter Tall tales of the woman Standing 5'2" tall Yelling at us to "Pahk tha Cah in tha Yahd" The woman As thin as a branch Sturdy as the tree attached Did you know nana, That everyday Your memory is something I think of Not the 8 years of hospital beds and nursing homes Not the days sitting by the phone Waiting for the call from mom and dad Hearing if you were doing okay The sound of your laughter is all that sits in my mind Do you remember, Nana, The day we gathered In Eugene To watch you, Marry Howard Dunham The man 93 Years old Never left Eugene Made you madder than you have ever been But had you madly In love? Do you remember, Nana, The day we all sat next to you as you giggled, Uncontrollably at that, And pointed at me and called me Hoss? Do remember, Nana, The days you snuck me out of school On my birthday Took me to Toys'r'us And Taco Bell Gave me a budget And marveled how I would pick out my toys To the Cent Do you remember, Nana, The day we said goodbye The last words you said to me After waking from the coma How you hugged me tight Kissed my Cheek And said "I love you, Honey. Goodbye" The memory of you still Lasts And all I want to remember Is the light of your laughter Do you remember, Nana, Your laughter? How you had everyone doubled over? Sides splitting, Knee slapping Enthralled by your every word? The light of smile? The smell of roses and apples? Noriko, The Seattle Mariners, and the Three Ninjas? Do you remember, Nana? Because I do.

Do you remember -- tk layman

[tklpoet]

FORGIVEN I am the product of my parents 6 foot nothing, 275, Sassy mouth with sarcastic undertones And current reigning family pun champion. I like to eat Taco Bell when I'm happy, Pizza when I'm sad And my life's biggest regret is that I don't have 4 arms to pet all my dogs at once. I'm my family's rainbow child Meaning I was Conceived post mortem to a brother I never knew But still turned out absolutely fabulous. I like to cause problems. See it gives me a sense of control Letting my anxiety know it was right all a long So I'd ignore all of them Hoping they would never come up to show the destruction I created Never taking accountability for my actions Assuming a simple "Sorry" would be the wet bandaid solution to the trouble I've caused, But today I'm learning not to say sorry with my words, but my actions And the best apology is one I never have to make again. I carry my burdens like old baggage left unchecked at the gate Letting the weight slow me down Hoping someone, someday will come along Telling me to let go But I hop on plane after plane Changing my identity To run from my past Only to let it catch up and remind me who I really am. I self identify with Tulips... See I would close in on myself when the world got dark Waiting for a spot of light to open up and show my inner beauty. Instead I should live like a sunflower Turning toward the sun even during the night But I'm afraid if I do I will continue to grow until I am too tall And others will rest in my shadows. I spent my whole life preparing for when I am set on fire. But I can't just stop, drop, and roll my way out So I dive underwater to drown out my world Telling myself if I keep my head below the surface I won't be touched by the flames. I vowed to learn from my mistakes Never to repeat these I avoid any possibility to lapse Pushing away the ones I love So I only have to let them in But isn't that human? Fight or Flight, survival response, Not wanting to let go, For fear of what's at the Bottom

TK Layman -- FORGIVEN

[topazmother]

keep creating your art. please.

[skafunkpastapunk]

[tklpoet]

"Soft, Yet Strong" -tk layman

[tklpoet]

Songs from the church of you

When I first met you Your voice sounded like a hymn In the church of you Where you are the patron saint of everything beautiful You reminded me of a sunflower How you made me want to turn to the light And grow even on my darkest days And I promise that if you let me I will love you like it's the only truth I know See, I want to love you like a dog loves an open field Excited by how open you are and wondering which part I get to explore first I want to love you like my favorite book Reading your pages, learning every line of text, going through each chapter with you in my arms And when I say I love you What I'm trying to say is I love the way your hair falls perfectly without even trying Or the way your eyes become the only map I want to read Saying don't let go. Don't leave And when I say I love you, What I really want to say is I don't want you to ever leave my side.

[tklpoet]

I'm still learning to say sorry // not with words, but rather my actions // and I'm learning that the best apology is one I never have to make again

TK Layman - To Be Honest

[tklpoet]

I'm sorry. Not for what I did, or because I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. Not because I was wrong or I let you down. I'm sorry because I chose this life. I chose to take a different path than you, and I'm sorry that it didn't align. I'm sorry that sometimes you made me angry, and I'm sorry that anger wasn't controlled sometimes and sometimes I wanted to say sorry but I'm sorry that I was never actually sorry. Will you forgive me if I told you I got the life I wanted? And would you forgive me if I told you that the life I wanted didn't include you? Would you forgive me if I told you I don't forgive you, for taking my heart and turning it into your toy. For crawling under my skin damn near two years later. I don't forgive you. Because I you don't need to be forgiven. This life is one I made for myself. I picked up the pieces of my broken heart, duct taped it together, and it kept beating. This love I have is no longer reserved for you but for the one I chose to give it to. I no longer want to worry about "Am I good enough for you" because all I worry about now is "Am I good enough for me?" I'm tired of staying up thinking about you. You occupy my thoughts and I do not forgive you. It's time to start forgiving those who deserve it. It's time to start forgiving those who have hurt me. It's time I forgive the person who needs the most forgiving. It's time I forgive me.

[tklpoet]

This Christmas, I want a sense of peace Before the chaos, This Christmas, I am planning My safety, And how to defend others This Christmas, The hands Of this nation Will be red This christmas The blood of the oppressed Will boil With fear from the outcome We have chose This Christmas I am asking for a knife To defend myself And my family To do harm To those Who want to do harm To us. I am tired of a white Christmas I am here for a rainbow, black, Latinx Christmas Where we rally together And fight back From the harm Those want to do To us.

[thiscityscreamsyourname]

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.

Sophia Bush  (via bionicus)

[tklpoet]

I want to know what keeps you up at night, what made you the person you've become today. I want to know about your childhood best friend and your first crush. I want to know who you are, and who you want to become, I want to know why you're sad at night but in the day you smile as bright as the sun. I want to lay on the floor. 3AM staring at the ceiling, fingers intertwined, telling each other who hurt us and how we have become better than that, i want to cry in front of you. I need to feel weakness in front of someone else. I want to tell you that this life isn't the easiest thing I've done, I want to say with confidence that loving you was easy but loving myself takes work. I want to tell you it's okay. That with me, you are heard. You are safe. You are loved. I want to tell you that with me... oh god, I want to tell you. You are loved.