i guess, for me, i treat the writing i do on this blog as disposable. in my mind, theres a giant ticking clock on my blog at all times that necessitates that nothing i'm doing in here is ever going to last in any meaningful way, and i'm semi content with that. i used to be really upset about it, and rightfully so, what is happening to trans women on tumblr is egregious and should be criticized at every possible opportunity, but at least personally, i've come to a sort of acceptance of the new status quo that involves being fine with everythinng i post on tumblr being subject to deletion at any given moment. and i write with that in mind. i write with the assumption that what i'm doing is cheap, is disposable, and can be thrown away at any moment. and as a result, i don't think particularly hard about what i'm posting because in my mind it Doesn't Matter. It cannot matter, otherwise i should be extremely upset at all times, and like, i get it. it does matter. and i should be upset. but i don't wanr to be. so i treat this blog like it doesnt matter because then i don't have to be upset. but the consequence of Not Thinking Very Hard about my writing is i end up posting things that dont have a lot of thought put into them, or are just random ideas that make their way onto the page, in effect, treating this blog, like a blog. a random page for my ideas. not one with a lot of thought put into it, an infinite bulletin board i can paste whatever i want onto.
....But That's Not How Everyone Else Treats It!
for most social media users, a page like this, an account, is not a random sounding board where people stick ideas, it's a User. A Person. It's an Artist making Art. Someone to listen to, someone who's ideas and works and posts matter, someone to get close to and someone to observe at a distance, someone who is, worthy of remembering, and someone who should be heard. and like. And like that's fundamentally incompatible with the way I use this blog, right? if i'm just posting random ideas or random jokes with little thought put into them, but everyone reading them is listening intently and taking meaning away from my posts, that can get real sticky fast, right? so that's kind of. the central tension at the core of this blog.
If I treat this platform like it matters...
...then I have to contend with the fact that meaningful works I'm creating are perpetually at risk of being destroyed and erased, which is a hard enough paradigm to stomach on it's own. On top of that, I have to be highly aware of the words and meanings and ideas I convey, because it's Important, and people Listen. This, obviously, (at least to me), makes posting and using this blog a massive chore, and an extremely exhausting and unpleasant excercise. This is why I go days without posting sometimes.
If I treat this platform like it doesn't matter...
...then I deny myself the ability to engage with my own work as serious, meaningful art. I cannot criticize it meaningfully, because it doesn't matter. I cannot appreciate it in any meaningful way, because it doesn't matter. And the most damaging effect of all, I run the risk of posting something that can do actual harm, or inadverdently advocating for ideas I would never in a million years want to advocate for. People have already made this exact critique of my posts before. However, engaging like this makes posts fun, makes it easy to post freely, and keeps me from the existential dread that is institutional transmisogyny.
So. With all of that in mind. Where do I go from here? This is the question I've been grappling with for some time, mentally. At this point, this blog's followcount has ballooned to a monstrrous 14,412 followers. That's an insane and ridiculous amount to comprehend. With numbers that bloated, at least some of my followers have to be listening to my words intently, and appreciating my works deeply, so with that in mind, some people could argue I have a responsibility to watch what I say ans think through what I post, right? And I see the argument for it, definitely, but I'm just a person. I'm unemployed. I'm in my 20s. I spend my days playing video games and watching crappy TV shows. I'm not exactly a public intellectual, an authority figure, I'm not even an especially learned or smart person, at least according to my own self perception, I'm a very Average Person. I'm not special, and yet here is this platform, this audience that treats my words as though they are special, treats my posts like they are art, treats my ideas as though they should be listened to, and what am I to do?
I'm sure you've noticed this post is a lot more structured than my usual writing is, and I'm hoping you've maybe picked up on the way this has slowly evolved from a stream of conciousnes rambling mess of run on sentences and half baked ideas, to a full on Essay, with ideas, with paragraphs, with all the fixinga and acoutremant that a proper Piece should have, and with that mind, you're probably expecting a conclusion, right? All of these disparate strands synthesized into one big idea, an answer, a solution, that poses to speak to and resolve this tension, but I don't have that. I don't know what the answer here is. Not really. I guess by posting this, I'm hoping someone smarter than me will have the answer, but I can already forsee most of the propositions. Make a new blog and don't tell anyone. Deactivate. Use my website more. All of these are fairly sound ideas, and rest assured that I've considered, or tried, at least most of them, but I don't really feel like they address this in the ways I'd like. I like posting. I like making my jokes and I like not thinking very hard about what I write. I like that you all like my posts. When it goes right, it's a fun and rewarding excercise. But that doesn't make that tension go away. It's still there. I guess my true intent with writing this is just, to level with you all. To be honest about where my heads at, and to maybe speak to a tension that (hopefully) other posters can relate to. It's weird. Being online now is a very strange experience. I don't really have a proper way to close all of this off. I guess. um.
Look at this nanachi I got. It's so cute.
(thank you for reading all of this)
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