journal entries

(thoughts & tribulations) my life as a toxica

[beingthisalive]

[tntjournal]

can david dobrik just take accountability for his actions?? like its literally not that hard to do that and just apologise.

[tntjournal]

Not an entry

And yes, I did reveal his stupid name. I hope I never meet a guy with that name again all he brings is problems.

[tntjournal]

13

Its been months to be honest I don't really know and I don’t really care anymore. The last time he messaged me was in July, I didn’t bother replying because I was tired. I knew that if I kept replying to him and give him attention he’d still be attached and rely on me to be his emotional support. I realized that its not my responsibility to deal with his emotions or struggles its not my fault that he doesn’t feel like a man or a stupid boy that doesn’t feel desirable. All he does is project his daddy issues to me and to be honest I already have my own major daddy issues to deal with. Every time I talked to him it was just awkward and heavy it was exhausting to be his “therapist”. I know that the reasons I’m telling myself are to make me feel better for ghosting him but at this point I don’t care if what I did was toxic or immature. Since then I’ve felt bored but less exhausted and its as if a burden was lifted was off my shoulders. I wish him the best but I don’t want to talk to him or know what he’s doing or I don’t want him to know how I’m doing either. This is harsh but in a spiritual and mental sense, he’s dead to me and that’s fine. If he’s still bad mouthing me on twitter like an immature idiot then I hope karma gets him. Fuck you, Anton. I can’t believe I used to cry and worry over a loser like you. Also, I hope you were hurt when I ignored your message for me on my birthday. I mean I ghosted you on July and you still messaged me the month after, you’re so pathetic and a coward.

[tntjournal]

Not an entry

Probably dug up something again, maybe this? Idk

[tntjournal]

Not an entry

Why am I so fucking obvious??!!

[tntjournal]

12

He’s doing it again. I know he’s sad right now but I know this is for the best. Talking to him again like nothing’s wrong, like I still have feelings for him will just make the cycle start all over again. I know that in his position I’d feel horrible, and I do I do feel alone when I have no one to talk to. But I have my friends/family and that’s really all I need I don’t need anybody else. 

But I was there for him though through so many situations. But when it was me that brought up so many mental issues, confusing coping mechanisms and etc. all he did was make me out to be the bad guy. He just wanted me to be this happy version of me, but the negative, moody and toxic side is me too. I don’t need to stay in a relationship where I feel horrible about myself just because they don’t understand me. He said he understands me so many times, but he fucking doesn’t. If he did he wouldn’t act like this. 

It’s not about being fake or who’s real A, its about understanding someone through whatever happens. And if you don’t understand then maybe you haven’t realised how toxic and fake you are too.

[tntjournal]

11

So last Tuesday he messaged me again later that afternoon. The conversation was pointless as usual and he kept bringing up unusual stuff. I know he just wants to make a conversation with me and I understand that but I know he’s tired. Tired of all the toxic shit I did, he did and everything. But he just wouldn’t stop. He asked me if I was tired of talking to him, and I told him yes and made up some shit about it being in quarantine so there’s nothing really new happening so we don’t know what to talk about. Made another excuse and I left the conversation because I honestly don’t have the energy to keep it up.

I started working out consistently since June 14 and I feel really proud of myself I’ve been putting this off for so many years because I’m so lazy. I’m just happy I started but it’s long overdue tbh. Hope it goes well and I get to get stronger and lose weight.

So today, we talked again tried using Zoom but the WiFi was horrible so I just told him to type sht instead. And the topics were out of it as usual its expected at this point. He messaged me something at 1:25 am in the morning but he deleted the message so I never got to read it. I think he was overthinking some stuff again I’m not sure. But we didn’t really talk about it too much.He talked about him liking Lila and how he stopped pursuing him because she was “out of his league” but tbh it just makes me feel shitty because it just confirms that he thinks I’m pretty but not that pretty, you know? Idk I’m fucked up. It just makes me feel really bad about myself. I wish he would just shut up about that. It annoys me because its just like he’s telling me I’m not worthy. Or its like saying I’m not that out of his league because I’m not that pretty or I’m fatter and all that shit. He makes me feel so bad about myself.

[tntjournal]

10

I’m in that mood again. Where he’s being more clingy and annoying as usual and I ignore him and just full on disappear. It’s fucking toxic I know that. I don’t know what to do anymore, should I just ignore him or message him that I don’t wanna talk anymore. I just don’t want to go through the cycle again. I know I’m hurting him but I don’t give a single fuck anymore. I feel like I’m a burden and I bet he feels the same too. I know he feels unwanted because he’s the only one making an effort to do so. I’ve read his tweets in his private account, I read everything. I understand what he’s feeling but he never understood me. It always seems like he does but he doesn’t at all. This is me and I know I have to change but this is fucking me and if you don’t understand that I don’t know what to tell you. I know I easily ghost people but I just don’t know how to deal with my mental health when I get like this. I don’t know what to do or tell him. He’s mad and he’s still sub-tweeting shit about me. I’m tired and annoyed of myself and him.

[tntjournal]

9

This idiot really still be out here still subtweeting. I’m so fucking tired of you saying one thing but doing the complete opposite like literally YOU fucking told me that you wouldn’t be flirting anymore you told me that you wouldn’t do all that sweet shit. Which I completely agreed on but what do you fucking do still do it and then after you tell me that I’m not comfortable with it its MY fucking fault now???? Like literally make it sense. You also said that you’d stop subtweeting and stuff but you’re still doing the fucking same and on your main account too. 

IF YOU WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST BITCH. and fucking say it to my face cause so far all you are is be a pussy. You’re upset over the expectations that you have created it didn’t work out boo fucking hoo move on. Just be direct for once we are not 13. 

[tntjournal]

8

Okay so after 2 days he messaged me again and I was not in the mood to open it tbh because it was early in the morning he messaged me on Wednesday. Idkk he’s more confusing rn because he keeps bringing up some useless topics at it bores me to death. Like he sent me a picture of bread. literally bread with some stupid meme on it saying “im like that first piece of bread thats always there but no one chooses” what are you trying to say something or arre you too pussy to say it as usual?? Idk the whole conversation was confusing tbh it annoys me because he’s still fucking flirting with me, even when I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with that this dumbass cant rlly take a hint. 

And then the next day he messaged me again saying “i just wanted to talk to you” when i asked him whats up. I wasn’t really in the mood and he like brought up some annoying topics again idk about how his brother said to him while at the park “u can bring a girlfriend here” like literally what are you supposed to say to that except “hahaha” and it got uncomfortable because he said something about along the lines of “its different” and then he said “like you” and fuck it i just said some stupid shit. and then it back fired because he made fun of me now saying what i said didn’t make sense??????????? when have u made sense like literally? I just knew at this point i was annoyed and pissed at the conversation that we’re having. So, i made up an excuse to get out of it idk i said that my dad was yelling at me or something. Ugh at this point idk what to do, he wants a relationship its fucking obvious he’s desperate but he doesn’t even have the balls to tell me what he wants and its confusing me. You don’t need a girlfriend by the way you need a fucking therapist. 

[tntjournal]

Not an entry

,,,But thank god for tumblr i’d go crazy in twitter

[tntjournal]

7

So on June 4 2020 we talked again about useless shit in general but i didn’t really wanna zoom so we didn't. He’s really confusing af because he just randomly started flirting again when he went into all that dramatics of telling me he’s gonna stop being “ sweet” to me and all that. Act your age bitch call it “flirting”. Its pissing me off tbh because all he does is annoying and confusing. I don’t understand what he wants he literally has no balls to tell me what he really feels or ask me simple questions we have been talking for more than 3 years idiot. I don’t really give a single fuck about “i just wanna do whatever makes you happy” bullshit its a pussy move do something im tired of all that going with the flow bullshit. I just want a guy thats assertive and direct and is not waiting around on me to do something. One where he can slap my ass or something lol. 

On June 7 I told him what I thought about the Control Z tv series it was kinda stupid tbh the plot was confusing. I dont even know why I watched that show like was I just finding an excuse to talk to him idk im confusing too tbh.  He went offline so fast and he said he’ll make it up to me or some bs. Now a day has passed and he’s literally subtweeting about me. Like for what I didn’t fucking do anything I tweeted some things about him yeah but for fucks sake they weren’t even that obvious or in accounts that he follows. He still hasn’t locked his private account and I know he knows that I’m reading it I’m not stupid. I just don’t know what intentions he has like its annoying me. He tweeted some cryptic bs about “its weird when you’re looking at someone whose trying to make something happen rather than their usual i dont care attitude” with a stupid emoji at the end. Like what?? what did i fucking do message you first dumbass?? You want to see someone who doesn’t care okay bitch ill show you someone who doesn’t care. I’m so tired of this like literally just stop. 

[tntjournal]

6

Another zoom call again yesterday. He seems like he was back to his “love sick puppy self” even when I didn’t talk about some interesting shit he wanted to make the conversation longer. Tbh I don’t really understand why he’s so obsessed with me. I literally have the biggest mood swings, not that pretty, im fat and im psychotic. At this point I only like the attention. 

Unrelated but I cried over something that really surprised me. I was reading a Tom Hiddleston fanfic thats like about age gap and like this girl being a ho. And there was this part where the girl just got slapped by her drunk mom and she ran to Tom’s house crying for comfort even when they just had a fight. Tom was consoling her and she said “You can hurt me if you want, just take care of me after” For some reason that sentence just made me heavy cry, which I haven’t done for a while. 

I feel like I reacted that way because at this point I don’t care if a person hurts me anymore, I just want to feel loved or taken care of. Because I felt so deprived of that from my family. 

I just hope that someday instead of making up scenarios wherein someone gives me affection or sleeps with me or love me to fall asleep, I hope its someone real. I just want somebody who loves me. Just somebody.

[tntjournal]

5

Okay so 2 days ago we had another zoom call again. It was a bit eventful, he asked me about the other accounts again and of course I denied that shit. The day before he called me he said that he couldn’t sleep and he was thinking about a lot of things, I was part of that. He said that he really liked me but he thinks that we should be friends and that was a really hard thing for him to do. I call bullshit honestly. Tbh I don’t care anymore. If he suddenly stops messaging me I wouldn’t probably bat an eyelash. I’ll probably just soft block him again. He’s one of the few people that make me feel bad about my body, and he has a terrible mindset. He’s homophobic and internally sexist tbh. I don’t care if I’m just saying this to convince myself, its true this is his shitty mindset.

My career is more important to me than some stupid relationship with a person that has a stupid mindset that I don’t even agree with. Fuck this, I’ll work on my own self validation rather than seeking it from anyone else. 

I’ll work on me, for me.

[tntjournal]

4

He replied, as if nothing happened which was nice tbh. We even had a zoom call. It was fun tbh, but I’m not sure how long this will last anymore hopefully it won’t.

[tntjournal]

3

He’s mad, definitely furious. I just don’t get why he can’t tell me himself that he doesn’t wanna talk anymore. If he’s so pissed off. I still haven’t messaged him. He replied to me on twitter the same way I replied to him before, and then he tweeted “Lol, what a hypocrite”That’s all he can do? He really thought he did something. I thought of just not even reply at all, ever. I replied to him on twitter tho just now. I just want him to do it this time, to ghost me or whatever. I wouldn’t care anymore. It would hurt I guess but at this point its frustrating to do this thing over and over again.I messaged him in Whatsapp too but I’m still sticking to it, I want him to end it this time. 

Anyways, this is what happens when I use cat fishing methods to a real guy in my life. Note to self, stop being this stupid because its toxic. Hopefully this all end for good. I’m sick of being anxious