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I like to think of myself as an honest person.

[banksalec]

[vexheart]

[wlrye]

[jamescullen]

[pascalcampion]

When you love the beach but you don’t love the crowds.

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Farewell to Dream (Keisuke Kinoshita, 1956)

[pulpexcess-deactivated20241115]

Suddenly you’re not so young anymore. The people you were close to seem to have moved on and you’re left alone trying to fill the hole inside you with whatever you can no matter how unhealthy it is. You keep digging deeper and you keep pushing people away until you look into the mirror one morning at 3 a.m. and realised you never learned how to be loved and love in return.

And sure you’ve got your trauma but so has everyone else and they’ve managed it. So why can’t you? What is it that’s so insidious slithering beneath your skin that makes you like this? And you sit at the edge of your bed and your glass is empty and suddenly the sun is rising. So you go back to the bathroom mirror and you face yourself. But you can’t. You can’t look at yourself because you can’t accept that you don’t have an answer.

So in lieu of reason or an answer or something to fill the gaping wound in your chest you go back down the stairs. And you pour yourself another drink. The Trouble With My Reflection - SLR

[toc-ngann]

Jan 17th, 2024

January has passed more than half, and I've only completed two out of the ten planned lessons. It's clear that my initial optimism about finishing them all within the month was too ambitious. I need to reassess my approach and establish habits that foster productivity. One potential adjustment is to shift my running routine from the evening to the morning. Exercising in the morning can serve as a refreshing cue, setting a positive tone for the day and instilling a sense of accomplishment.

While my mind tends to dwell on the challenges and displeasure I face with my colleagues, I should redirect my focus to the positive aspects. Working in this environment grants me ample free time, allowing me to study and gather essential information from the internet. Maintaining a quiet demeanor, avoiding excessive sharing, steering clear of gossip, and not succumbing to the toxic atmosphere are key strategies to ensure my well-being in this workplace.

[toc-ngann]

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

Learn at least 3 languages; mother tongue doesn’t count.

Fall in love.

Watch Love Actually and The Holiday with a person I love.

Sit in the middle square and listen to the church bells in a foreign country.

Give an influential talk before at least 200 people at an event.

Learn to play the guitar.

Live abroad.

Learn sketching.

Take mom and dad to travel in Germany.

Have my own home.

Trek to Everest Base Camp.

Finish an Ironwoman triathlon.

Join a marathon in Japan.

Spend Christmas holiday in a cottage house like The Holiday film.

Visit Russia.

Have a special person to send my own sketch postcard whenever I travel.

Become a blogger.

Run the same course as Haruki Murakami in New York.

Spend at least a month in Japan.

Be courageous, stay humble, and live honestly.

[toc-ngann]

Jan 9th, 2024

Today didn't start as smoothly as I expected. Waking up early to study proved to be a challenge, contrary to my usual ease in dealing with such routines. My strategy for tonight is to commence learning right after dinner – a simple principle: if you want something, act on it immediately.

Lately, I've found myself engrossed in a documentary series on tennis available on Netflix. After finishing "Break Point," I've moved on to the story of Naomi Osaka, a young and talented player who has dominated four Grand Slam tournaments. She stands out as the only Asian athlete to play in the US Open. The intensity and challenges faced by athletes, as portrayed in these documentaries, provide me with much-needed motivation at this particular juncture. Witnessing the discipline, hard work, and focused lives of these athletes inspires me to accelerate my self-improvement.

Beyond the time dedicated to work and learning, my thoughts continue to drift towards Mimu. While it's just a facet of emotional matters, deep down, there lies a thirst for going abroad and establishing a professional life, akin to my bosses Toku and Mimu. The recognition and achievement in my career would bring me more happiness than anything else. The sooner I can leave my current situation, the quicker I can explore job opportunities in Singapore, creating possibilities to connect with Mimu and other intriguing individuals. The feelings of disrespect, lack of motivation, and boredom prevail in my current work environment. It's challenging to work in an atmosphere where there's no mutual respect, to love a job without respect, and to spend eight hours daily with people who have fundamentally different mindsets. I've boarded the wrong ship, and I need to find a way out as soon as possible.

[toc-ngann]

Jan 4th, 2024

The plan to push my limitations and learn and practice IELTS within two months has encountered some challenges. It's difficult to maintain consciousness when my sleep time is reduced to just under 5 hours. I need to take quick action to revise the plan.

Upon reflection, I've noticed that I'm spending, or more precisely, wasting a considerable amount of time watching documentaries after my daily run. Opening Netflix and browsing makes it challenging to stop myself from continuing to the next episode. I have decided to stop doing that from today.

While I can't deny that running every day gives me a sense of accomplishment, especially as it was a bit challenging initially, I intend to maintain this habit as much as possible. Many speakers I follow emphasize the power of habit, asserting that "Habit is who you are," and I wholeheartedly believe in that philosophy.

I realize that I should dedicate more time to self-practice and IELTS training, making it my top priority at the moment. With only one month left before I start GMAT training, I need to focus on practicing these skills as soon as possible. Initially, I thought I would explore the internet for tricks and learn from shared experiences. However, I've decided to force myself to write first; in this process, I will discover where and how to refine and sharpen my skills.

[toc-ngann]

December 31, 2023

I feel as though someone else is living within me, a voice screaming to break free. This entity has been nurtured by my deep desires, desires I've either ignored for too long or procrastinated acting upon. Hanoi, my current home, now feels too small. In my mind's eye, I walk mountain paths in Switzerland, sit alone with closed eyes in vast squares in Berlin, wander in quiet pagodas under blooming trees in Japan, or run through a national park in the early morning in Singapore. However, in every vision, I am alone—no company by my side. It's not that I want to be alone; it's just challenging for me to envision someone entering my life and staying by my side.

If asked what I truly desire now, my answer would be living abroad. I yearn to change my current circumstances, to lead a vibrant life with colorful experiences, adding more hues to my existence. I cannot revel in my loneliness in the same place forever.

The person I am now is my current version. I am desperate, unsure of how to release the beast inside me. I've carefully covered and buried my desires, but like acid, they gradually eat away at me from within. Sometimes I convince myself I've forgotten them, but the buried desires know precisely where I'm most vulnerable, slowly eating and permeating. It's akin to a wound that will never heal unless faced and addressed.

I wish I had the strength and courage to destroy my current version, making way for the new, fresh version within me. I am yet to find sufficient motivation to truly act on something. The catalyst for some change came when I met my inspiring bosses, Toku and Mimu. The complicated journey, including falling into one-sided love with Mimu, seems to have nurtured another version inside me, one that is growing stronger and louder with each passing day. I hope it becomes robust enough to burst forth, tearing through my chest to bask in sunlight and breathe fresh air elsewhere.

Returning to my current version, she yearns to wander, to see the world. Yet, at the end of her adventures, she wishes only to return to the sanctuary and share her tales with Mimu. That, for now, is her sole aspiration.

[toc-ngann]

December 30, 2023

I've made the exciting decision to apply for my Master's degree at three universities—one in Ireland, one in Spain, and the last in Belgium. It's amusing how my initial intention to apply to universities in Singapore has led me to venture far beyond, crossing continents to Europe. I find myself working on plans for migration, a surprising turn of events.

At the age of 33, it's somewhat surreal that I've chosen to pursue a Master's degree, particularly in a field with a scientific bent. Life has a way of unfolding in ways we never anticipate. Although I feel a bit nervous about the competitive nature of the three universities I've chosen, considering their high rankings in the QS Ranking, I am trying to cultivate confidence and quell any anxiety about my future.

Regardless of the outcome, whether I'm accepted or not, I find happiness in knowing that I've given my best effort. I acknowledge that I've set challenging goals for myself within a limited preparation time, and this presents an opportunity to discover where I can push beyond my limitations. I am well aware that I've chosen a path that demands burning the midnight oil and pushing myself to the limits over the next four months. The key is to recognize that today is better than yesterday, and the continuous effort to improve myself is more than enough.

[toc-ngann]

December 29, 2023

As the final days of the year slip away, I acknowledge the swift passage of time, seemingly accelerating with each passing year. I write these lines as a pledge to myself—an affirmation that I will dedicate my utmost effort to achieving the goals outlined in my short-term plan.

This time next year, I envision myself seated in a room beneath the European sky, reflecting on the challenges and triumphs of the year gone by. While I may contend with the demands of my course and find Mimu's image persisting in my thoughts, I anticipate facing these challenges with eagerness, acknowledging the inevitability of stress, and cultivating hope for a brighter future.

I picture myself at my working desk, gazing out at the winter landscape of Europe with a smile. Despite the missing pieces in my life, I will embrace the experience, attending lectures with self-encouragement, nurturing the belief in a promising future. Alongside my academic pursuits, I plan to devote time to sketching, learn Japanese, and perhaps even add a guitar class to my busy schedule.

There may be moments of vulnerability, tears shed over difficult lessons or the ache of loneliness, but I am confident that I will never regret choosing this path. Weekends will be dedicated to solitude in my cozy room—cooking, connecting with family, reading, and journaling. Mimu will still occupy a space in my diary and in the names of my artworks, a testament to the emotions I pour into my creations.

Upon completing my course, my aspirations extend to applying for jobs in Singapore. Imagining a professional environment in the financial hub's model tower, I envision proactively engaging with Tokuo-san and Mimu. While romantic expectations may remain modest, I am certain that my time in Singapore will be enriching. Surrounded by exemplary individuals I admire, I anticipate continuous learning and personal growth.

In Singapore, I visualize a modest, sunlit apartment filled with books, a sanctuary where I can walk to the office daily. One fervent hope lingers—that on the day when Mimu and I breathe the same air under the same sky, I will find the courage to express the depth of my love. Regardless of the outcome, this confession is my own, a testament to the enduring love I harbor for him.

[toc-ngann]

December 27, 2023

I have to admit that lacing up my running shoes every day is not always easy. While I don’t struggle to start, I can’t say it’s a breeze. Nevertheless, the sense of accomplishment afterward is always so rewarding. Lately, I’ve noticed a bit of procrastination in my routine, where I tend to start my evenings with a film instead of writing. Despite my initial intention to write after the movie, it rarely happens. The lesson here is to tackle whatever you want or need to do immediately, without allowing excuses to interfere. I’m someone motivated by completion, finding satisfaction in getting things done. Therefore, I’ve decided to switch up my routine, making writing the top priority. Once that’s accomplished, I can reward myself with a film or a good book.

There have been moments when I’ve felt on the verge of tears, feeling stuck in my circumstances in Hanoi. I yearn to work in a professional environment surrounded by motivated and energetic colleagues. I want the freedom to be honest and true to myself, as defined by Naval Ravikant. I crave an environment where I can think, speak, and share my ideas without fear of gossip or judgment—a space that continually inspires me to improve.

Starting today, after each run, writing will be my top priority. Only after completing my writing task will I allow myself to indulge in reading or watching. This is the only way I know to improve my English day by day. I want to talk and express myself freely with Mimu if given the chance. While I’m uncertain if that opportunity will arise, my English must be fluent and articulate by then. Feeling trapped here is becoming unbearable, and I refuse to let it linger any longer. Every day, I must strive to better myself, bringing the day closer when I have the ability to break free from my current situation.

[toc-ngann]

December 18, 2023

Recently, I’ve developed a keen interest in reading blog posts and listening to podcasts on how to elevate career success. This pursuit also serves as a means to enhance my English skills. I’ve observed a common thread among many successful business people and investors – they cultivate routines and habits centered around clear thinking, continuous learning, and maintaining both mental and physical well-being. Currently, I’m revisiting the book ‘The Power of Habit,’ recommended to me years ago. I believe that everything encountered in life holds meaning, and during this second reading, I’ve gained new insights and perspectives.

One prevalent habit among these accomplished individuals is regular exercise, rarely skipping a day, even amidst hectic travel schedules or illness. Starting the day with physical activity serves as a significant energy boost and initiates a chain reaction for effective work. Exercise not only contributes to physical health but also acts as a cue for a productive chain reaction – a small daily win by adding something positive to oneself. As a runner, what excites me is not just improving my pace but the satisfaction of waking up early to run consistently, bringing increasing happiness with the longevity of the routine.

Notable figures like Naval Ravikant emphasize the importance of reading, focusing not on the quantity but the quality of knowledge. Naval prefers rereading the 100 best books rather than consuming 1000 different books each year. These successful individuals establish private life routines without the need for showmanship, prioritizing their mental state over external noise from society.

A recurrent theme in their lives is a connection to philosophy and meditation, drawing inspiration from figures like Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and teachings from Buddhism.

Personally, I draw inspiration from Michael Phelps’ story. He visualizes a video of his path to achieving championship status an hour before sleep and replays it every morning upon waking. This routine serves as a daily reminder, effortlessly motivating him to get out of bed and work towards success.

[toc-ngann]

12 December, 2023

I've just come back from the final half marathon of this year. This event holds special meaning for me in several ways. Firstly, it wasn't held in Vietnam, and it's the largest race I've participated in so far. Secondly, I ran this time alongside Mimu. Although the race was crowded, and I didn't have a chance to see him, the feeling of knowing we were running the same course made it a cool experience. There's definitely something that shifted inside me after this race. It's like one of my layers has shed, and it feels refreshing. Even though I often felt lonely when wandering in a strange city and thinking about Mimu, despite being in the same city, breathing the same air, we can never truly belong together, intensifying my sorrow. He's my boss, my ex-boss to be precise, and also a huge inspiration for me in many aspects.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to work with him, and it's challenging to express the full impact he has had on me. How can I not fall in love with this mature, successful, warm-hearted man? But that's a story from a week ago and many dreamy, fantasized nights before. Today, I want to write about the present, about the day after my old layer metaphorically died.

Every morning, the first image that comes to mind is still Mimu because he is still my phone's wallpaper. After a few seconds, I remind myself to return to reality instead of dwelling on thoughts of Mimu. The checklist of recent events at work crosses my mind, even though I'm not entirely comfortable with it yet. But at this time, work is my priority, so it's no surprise that it frequently occupies my thoughts. Next, I think about Naval Ravikant, the MIT Micromaster course, and working abroad. These are the things that keep me busy lately.

I take pride in maintaining two habits—running and listening to podcasts. I'm happy to admit that I've successfully built these healthy habits and sustained them for years. They are beneficial for both my physical and mental well-being. Now, I find it easy to continue these habits while many people struggle to establish them. For me, running isn't just a sport; it's a lifestyle. It defines the life I want to live—a positive mind, a strong physical body, and a robust mental state to keep moving forward, similar to a runner heading toward the finish line. In the Standard Chartered Marathon last week, there was a quote printed along the run road: 'Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must. JUST never give up.' I'm deeply in love with this message. A few years ago, I never thought that I would resonate with running. I once considered it a boring and lonely sport. However, with time, I've come to enjoy running alone. It's like meditation, a time to push out all the stress and negative energy, empty my mind, and find solace in my own company. Mimu once told me that he also treats running as a form of meditation.

Apart from running, I listen to podcasts every day, particularly those featuring interviews and talks by Naval Ravikant. Naval emphasizes that we often overrate our pain and suffering. We experience pain because we can't set aside our ego to consider things with a clear mind. Unhappiness arises when our expectations don't align with reality, and our desires aren't grounded in truth. When things don't work out, we feel lost.

I can feel a connection with my own story. After the advice, warm coffee talks, friendly chats, invitations to dinner, and sharing personal life alongside work-related matters with Mimu, I assumed these were signs of a caring demeanor. Especially coming from my idol boss, it was challenging for me to stop fantasizing about him. I desired him to be mine, putting my expectations above reality. I forgot that all the things he did simply indicated that he is a gentleman with polite gestures. Not to mention, he used to work in a global environment, interacting with staff from every country. If he treated me nicely, it's because he's a kind person, wanting to understand people and their cultures to support his investments here. That's the reality—purely a work relationship with no room for sentiment. When the cloud of expectations fills my head, I often feel sad, wondering why fate didn't set us up as a couple. I suffered a lot because of that. However, I now realize that I set the wrong expectations, and that's what made me unhappy. It's not Mimu, life, or fate making me unhappy—it's just me, only me.

I still have feelings for Mimu because of the fact that he represents a mature, successful, calm, and gentle man. I envy any woman who has him. I still feel a bit blue when I think of him, but not in the painful and depressed way I used to. I'm glad I have a new mindset. That's enough for today; I will stop writing here.