I used to write daily. It had been a recommended activity as therapy. I would start out strong, writing page after page about my day, my struggles, my feelings, etc, but then suddenly I would taper off, only writing a few sentences, then skipping a day, then skipping a month, then a year. In my head I write mental notes constantly. My brain never shuts off, ever. My mind also has trouble retaining things that it should, but you bet your butt that it has remembered awkward and cringy encounters and it will replay them at random.Ā
So why am I suddenly sharing this useless information? Well, my health is failing more and more these days and I have decided that I need some kind of outlet. I have been doing more painting and crafty things lately that have helped distract me from pains and feeling down, but I need more. My mind has been total mush lately and my memory is getting worse. Iāve decided that I need to write again, at least weekly, to serve as another therapeutic crutch, as well as a way to remember things.Ā
So why do it publicly? I suppose Iāve chosen this route so I will be more inclined to actually stick with it. I honestly donāt expect anyone to actually read this, but hell, maybe someone will and someone can relate to my shit show.
Whatās up with my health? Where do I even begin? For starters, I have had migraines for the majority of my life. The first one I can actually remember was when I was roughly five years old. It wasnāt until last year that I was put on Emgality and I finally have quite a bit of relief. Granted, I still get migraines, but they tend to be from allergies or hormonal bullshit and they do not last as long. I also have Endometriosis, which took thirteen years to get diagnosed. When I was 25 a doctor finally took me seriously, did the surgery, and found out what as causing some of my issues. I had a second surgery when I was 28, that involved removing more of the endo, as well as the removal of my left ovary and fallopian tube. At that time I was told that the endo had spread worse to my bladder, ureter, and bowels. Itās been over six years since that last surgery. I have seen seven gynecologists since then due to moving out of state. My current doctor is very nice, but also absolutely impossible to get an appointment with. So much so, that I had to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood just to get my Nexplanon implant removed. Oh, and why am I having the Nexplanon removed? Itās been total hell. I am fully aware that it does not treat Endo, but I had had one in before for two years and it was not a problem until towards the end of the second year. This time around, it has been bad since about week three or four. I have been on it for seven months now and itās been terrible. I have been calling my docās office since August trying to get an appointment to get it out, only to be told that sheās booked up until the following month, yet they will not schedule me. I keep getting told to call back to see if there are any openings. The last time I called two weeks ago, I was told that there was nothing open until maybe December, but again, they would not schedule me, hence the appointment having to be made at PP, which was easy to get and there was only a two week delay. Iāll gladly take that over a two month delay.Ā
But what is really plaguing me now? So all my life I have had weird pains, twitches, and spasms. It is something I learned to live with since doctors have always dismissed these things. When I was 27, I decided I really needed to get more answers and was referred to a neurologist who did a bunch of tests and put me on Cymbalta. That shit is the absolute devil! I wonāt go into much detail now, but it made me suicidal and my pains stayed the same. Detoxing from is was a truly scary journey. Anyway, he had suggested that I may have the first signs on MS and that I should get a MRI right away. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as I was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship and he was against me having any kind ofĀ āradiation poisoningā. Fast forward all these years and things have been getting bad. The pains are more frequent and longer lasting. My mind seems to get mushier, I drop things a lot, I have fallen over quite a bit, I forget how to do things, I forget what Iām doing, I have to remind myself to swallow, I have to keep moving to distract myself from all the twitching and involuntary movements, and my emotions have been all over the place. Now I had told my new neuro this back when I first saw her last year, but she was more concerned about my migraines to start. She then went on to do nerve testing and a brain MRI, along with bloodwork, but those things mostly came back normal. But here we are in lovely 2020 and shit is getting real. I had an appointment with her last Friday and totally broke down. I had spent a week making a list of the weird shit that has been happening to my body and read it off to her. It wasnāt until then that she concluded that it sounds like I have an autoimmune disease. So now I have very extensive bloodwork scheduled for this Friday morning and a MRI of my neck on Saturday. Now obviously I do not wish to have another disease, as Endo has made my life enough of a hell, but I want answers and I am going to keep fighting until I get them.Ā
Yea, so this post went a little away from what I was going to originally write about, but this works, too. Essentially I would like to keep this up so I can document whatās going on health wise, but also document my art that I hope will help me through. I should also mention that I do have an amazing support system with my loving boyfriend, my family, and a few friends. My job is also very understanding which is so helpful.Ā
I will end it here for today, as I feel like I have already gone on too much of a typing spree. If anyone actually reads this and has any questions or input, please feel free to reach out.Ā
PS- I have not re-read this post because my mind says I cannot process all those words right now, so please excuse any typos and grammatical errors. Thx.
