Either relationship or marriage is about commitment. There's a moment when you listen to certain music and you wished with someone from the past that is impossible for you to be with because you and that person are commited to someone else. That's the feeling when I accidentally listened to this song. I'm no longer following music trend, I don't have spotify etc. But I happend to hear this song from one of my distant family who shared pictures of them visiting their son and put this song as background. I got curious and checked this song. Then this feeling hit me. Longing and reminescing someone from my hometown that I strongly denied myself if I had crush on him. Or it was a fling that I tried to stop before I even acknowledge my own heart beat. Because I wasn't confidence that I was worth someone else care and attention. I only have brain and sharp tongue, I didn't care with my appearance (until now). So in my mind there will be no way someone would put their interest on me. I hate height because I'm scared of feeling down. I denied my feeling and put the strongest shell to protect myself from falling. I didn't interact directly with him much. Before I mistook him for someone else, as they shared the same name and we quite often communicate by chat (I think it was via mxit). If you have no clue about mxit, then you're not on the same era as me. But if we accidentally meet, none of us spoken or try to initiate the conversation. During teenagers, we loved to gossip about our seniors, especially the famous and handsome one. Since I was in the same circle with my special friends who always have eyes on the popular seniors, I reluctantly casually saying the person that I admire. My close friend each had one person that they openly admire, it was weird if I didn't share mine. Thus I casually mention someone. My close friends knew that I admire that person because he was smart one and good looking (not the favorite one, I think only me who mentioned his name). It wasn't him that secretly had effect on my mind. They were in the same circle, yet he was always almost stay at behind so not many notice him, typical quiet one, more quiet than the person I claimed that I admire. I didn't notice him earlier, not until my best guy gave me the wrong contact. And life was very funny, as the other seniors thought that I was someone who had crush on his other friend (different guy from what I claimed as the one I admire). Just because I and him were in the same club and I often to go to his class that they happened to be classmates. No one knew I had liked him. Maybe it was just a "fling". But why this song suddenly remind me of him? I will just call it as flash back memory, because I must live in this current life. Did he know if I like him? At the end he knew. How? I told him. This "chicken bandit" directly told him by email. Yes after he graduted and no longer be my senior we still communicated, not intense, but some other day he initiated the conversation. I couldn't use mxit because temporarily need to move to another part of world. So email was the option. I didn't recall how we exchanged email address. And what on earth did I tell him? I was actually building or strengthening my wall up, very scare if I got upset because my expectation didn't match with reality. I scared if I trully like or love him. Therefore I casually mentioned to him, maybe like this, "hey just let you know that I used to have crush on you, but not anymore. so you don't need to worry and we can communicate as usual." It was just my way of avoiding unnecesary conflict in the future, but in my heart at that time, I was thinking and hoping of him. Looking back now, it was very stupid. But hey who didn't do something stupid when they were young? I was smart and quite capable, but it didn't help me to prevent from doing something really stupid. Then what was his response? Nothing. He didn't write me back. Thinking it back, I regretted it so much. I wish I could recall that email and maybe his figure won't cross my mind when I listen to this song now.