Dason Scott

[todieornotto]

Living hell...

Part Four

My head was splitting…It felt like someone was presently hammering away at my skull. My eyes were barely cracked open, blood dripped from my lashes, staining my skin. Everything was happening in slow motion. At least it seemed that way. I’m sure later I will look back on this event and think otherwise…In that second I really wished there was a later. There had maybe been a handful of times in my long life that there were doubts I would make it out alive. This was one of those times. Admitting defeat was beyond my comprehension, most of the time. Right now I could hear boisterous explosions all around me, some were so close I could feel the flying debris embedding in my flesh. I didn’t even flinch when it happened. That was the least of my concern at the moment. The wailing screams were coming from every direction and even with my eyesight barely operational, I could see each brutal death of the innocent. That was only part of this curse of mine, the higher ups wanted to make sure that I saw in vivid savage detail, the ones that I was to be protecting and saving, deaths. I closed my eyes and right there as if I was watching it on a monitor behind my eyelids, I saw as the beast ripped into the girls chest, digging his filthy hands in and splitting her whole within seconds. Her soul was already attached to me even before the final scream died on her lips. The weight of it was unlike anything and no matter how often it happened, I would never get used to and I never wanted to. I tried to get up, battered hands pressed against the ground and every movement I made was met with a series of kicks, laughter and jabs by a dozen or so. I didn’t give up, it wasn’t an option. Not in this ongoing war, the only way out is to be extinguished permanently. Which I was still pretty sure that was going to be the case any minute now.

I raised my head up, blood coated eyes sought out the one that seemed to be masterminding this Lynch mob and branded every detail about the monster, in my mind. Payback was a motherfucker, and I always got off on playing out the long game of revenge. I spit out a mouthful of blood, pushed myself up until I was seated on my haunches. “You have me, let them go…This is a useless slaughter of innocent beings and we both know that now you might be feeling victorious but the will only hold ground for so long.”

That little speech got me rewarded with blade being shoved straight through my gut and he made extra sure to crouch down low in front of me, get all up in my personal space to the point that I could only inhale the harsh stench of the beast. It was a scent that lived in your memories no matter the length of time, it was one that even death tried to get away from. Again my hand landed on the ground to keep me from collapsing on the monster before me. My top lip pulled back over my canines and I let the spit drip freely from my busted mouth and the whites of my eyes switched over to the blackest of blacks. That only seemed to amuse the things crowding around me. ‘You think we care naught for your Gods, we don’t and this is only further proof of that.’ A dry laugh came from somewhere deep inside of me and I just sit back again on my haunches until all I could do was chuckle straight into his face. And as before, I received a series of unforgiving wounds. Had I been human, death would have welcomed me long ago from this treatment, as it is, I was able to undergo the torture for as long as they chose to exact it out. At this point I was barely held together by anything more than flesh, bones and determination. Good thing I had that last one by the truckload. I squared my shoulders as best as I could, held my head up and smirked. “No, the proof will be when I wipe each of you from existence and I will just as I have your brethren before you.” It was amazing how when I worked my daytime gig, I was straight street, everything about me dripped it. But in this world, this life, I was the thing they created me to be and all other lives they’d stuck me in, were nothing more than a distant memory. And damn, they had placed me in hundreds of human forms over the centuries.

Hands, if that is what you would classify them as, hooves might’ve been somewhat better a description of what scooped under my arms and dragged me up. It was pointless to fight against the hold they had on me yet I did just that anyway. Every new struggle only helped the fresh wounds ooze extreme amounts of my life fluid. It didn’t matter, I was soaked through with the sticky warmth. I wished that was my only concerned because eventually healing would commence and not a trace of a scar would be left behind. What did matter, was the senseless destruction going on around me, the lives being snuffed out in ways that no being should have to suffer through. And it was those souls that I wish and pray that I could switch places with, each and every single one of them. I tried to get my feet under me but that wasn’t going to happen, they drag under me just like the rest of my body as they hauled me to where they wanted to. My eyes were barely working by now, too many blows to the head does that to you. In that instance as we moved through the masses, I fucking would have paid all my humanly fortunes to not witness what I was. But that was the cowards way out, I had failed them, all of them and I shouldn’t be given any reprieve from seeing and hearing exactly what was being done to them. Finally we came to a stop, they didn’t take me inside any structures or try locking me away. I would have preferred either, anyone at all instead of what they chose to do with me.

My rough exterior and for shit cocky attitude was nowhere in my realm of caring or thinking right now. I would drop to my knees and beg for their lives if I was giving half a chance. Some things or some others, are more important than yourself and they were my everything. They were why I existed, why I was created and why I would die. I didn’t know love in the sense of couples, marriage and whatnot but I knew love for something bigger and more than your own existence. For their souls, I would die a thousand deaths and so much more. And it was with those thoughts on repeat that I was greeted with a new torture that made the rest of what I had suffered, seem minuscule. They converged on me, creating a circle of rape, beatings and horrific killings all around me. I was staked to the earth, jagged bits of wood used at nails, were the key component at keeping me in place. They were hammered throughout various areas of my body, legs, arms and even a couple larger ones were driven through my gut. I opened my mouth to shout but any and all sounds died in my throat. I felt every wound they exacted out on the innocent, I wanted to feel it all, I deserved it for failing them.

[betweenmirrors]

THE ART OF #JakubRozalski #MrWerewolf

► #BetweenMirrors ► www.BetweenMirrors.com https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp91KvVgvMu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dzveq7ty186b

[betweenmirrors]

MONSTER MASH by #Burnzy (#burnzig | #horror #illustration)

► #BetweenMirrors ► www.BetweenMirrors.com (at Massachusetts) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqh1OD-AZ1V/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6qn64meevtha

[purplebuddhaproject]

“However much you love somebody, you should always keep a part of yourself to yourself. Never give it all. You can never be yourself otherwise.”

—

Aidan Chambers

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

[harshlips]

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

[zodiacqueenn]

Me: I hate astrology

Horoscope: Money is coming your way and you’re looking more beautiful lately

Me:

[tauralogy]

What Kind of Love Do You Want?

Aries kind of love - the kind that sweeps you off your feet by the sheer speed of it, the kind that will transform nighttime from a time of sleep to a time of adventures, the kind that will leave you breathless from the aggressiveness, from the unabashed, unfiltered desire and passion it brings, the kind that feels like nobody can ever touch you two

Taurus kind of love - the kind of love full of sensuality, gifts, and romance; where touch is worship and devotion is daily, where you’ll never have to doubt your royalty for there is an unconditionally loyal knight at your feet, the kind of love that is so velvety and soft, like climbing into a king bed, lying on silk sheets in a warm robe, the kind of love that is classic and idolized

Gemini kind of love - the kind of love full of laughter and wit, the kind of laughter where tomorrow has no promise except for one another, where every part of you is matched by your partner, the kind of love with eyes staring at you in endless fascination, the kind of love where you create your very own languages of inside jokes and references; the love that will never suffocate you

Cancer kind of love - the kind of love that is coming home on a long day, the kind of love that’s nuzzling your face into your lovers neck, the kind that is so warm and forgiving and nurturing, the kind that will never turn you away, the kind that soothes all your ailments, that will answer your call at 3 in the morning, a love that you will be grateful your entire lifetime

Leo kind of love - the kind of love that brings the entire sun into your life, the kind of love that makes your heart more full than you could ever imagine that you want to weep from happiness, ‘you and me against the world’ and you believe it, the find-sticky-notes-everywhere kind of love, love that is so encompassing your grandchildren will pray for one of the same

Virgo kind of love - the kind of love of devotion to the tiniest details, the kind where they buy you the gift you mentioned offhandedly eight months ago, the kind of love that brings breakfast in bed without question, the kind that will memorize your favorite way to be stroked on the back, the kind of love that will know you down to the deepest layers of your self

Libra kind of love - the kind of love that they write about in romance novels, the kind of love you don’t think is true until it happens to you, the kind of love that has you dancing in their arms around your kitchen, designer kind of love - high quality, luxurious, and the envy of everyone else, a fair kind of love, interested in preserving harmony of your soul above all

Scorpio kind of love -  the kind of love that brings forth unconscious desires and fulfills them; love that has turned your world upside down since day one, love worth drowning for, worth all the pain in the world for a chance of tomorrow, love that will push you to do what you have never done for anyone else, and will never do again; love you can never escape

Sagittarius kind of love - the kind of love where you never have to be alone in your head again, the do some silly pose in front of the cameras of a rollercoaster kind of love, the kind of love where they would shoot down a star for you, the kind of love that must have some element of mystical, the kind of love that began when the stars were born and will last until they die

Capricorn kind of love - the kind of love that would build you a home with their own hands just so every single one of your dreams was fulfilled, the kind of love that will stand besides you through hell and brimstone, the kind of love that will promise you everything and give it all, the love that is so empowering that even if it ends you never forget how they uplifted you

Aquarius kind of love - the kind of love that makes you believe the entire cosmos can fit in a person, the kind of love where exploration never ends, the kind of love that will force you out of complacency, love that touches you so deeply their imprint lasts for thousands of reincarnations, the kind of love that has no pretenses, that will understand you again and again

Pisces kind of love - the kind of love that will make it impossible for anyone after to follow up, the kind of love that drowns you in honey and kisses, the kind of love you write poetry for and seal the paper with a kiss, love that must have been made by the gods themselves for nothing mortal could have made something so ethereal and encompassing

[te5seract]

Spral & Glimpse Of Green by Joni Niemelä

[todieornotto]

Dealing with the Higher ups...

Part Three:

‘Dason, you’re not going to be able to keep this pace up much longer!’ I had heard that one sentence too many fucking times. “You need to learn a new conversation starter…That one bores me.” I planted myself in one of the wooden chairs that was placed directly in front of the elaborate desk that Skye sit proudly behind. He had that ‘I want to be annoyed with you but I know it will do me no good’ look, going on. ‘And what happens if… Or when something goes wrong with your daytime job and it effects what you are meant to be doing?’ One dark brown rose almost to my hairline and I had to bite back the laughter that wanted to bust right out. Skye, was only doing his part and I respected that but that also didn’t mean that I would just go along with it all either. And they knew that. “When or IF my daytime activities spill over into my nighttime gig, then I will deal with it.” Skye, looked like he wanted he wanted to say more on the subject but he just pursed his lips and went back to reading whatever was on his screen. It did crack me up on how ancient this world was but yet how modernize they were at the same time. One minute Skye would be throwing out some preaching about how things use to be and how much better it was eons ago, yet the whole time he was spewing his nonsense, he had an iPhone X in his hand and was most likely scrolling through some social media BS. I sit up a little straighter when something he had said caught my attention. “Hold on, go back to what you were just saying.” Skye rolled his eyes dramatically and did a small huff. ‘Just admit it, you listen to barely half of what I say to you.’ I gave a nonchalant shrug and snagged the top page off his desk. “I suck at listening and you suck at being sketchy…We all have our things.” I read over the first few sentences and my eyes narrowed. “Fuck NO… I’m not doing it…Are you fucking kidding me, Skye?” He at least had enough sense to look bad about what I’d just read. ‘Dason, this is how things must be for now. It won’t be forever.’ I was shaking my head even before he opened his mouth. “And again I said NO… You or no one else is going to keep me on this side. I will not fucking being locked down.” Skye stood up, reached across the desk and snagged the page out of my hand. Which was smart on his end because I was already starting to destroy the piece of paper, and it was just the start of what I was going to do if they actually thought to keep me imprisoned here. ‘Dason, calm down and just hear me out…’ I stood up so fast that the wooden chair toppled under me and I kicked it out of my way. “Every motherfucking time you tell me to hear you out, shit ends up bad…Real fucking bad.” Skye stood up, came around the massive desk and his goal was to calm me down…That wasn’t going to happen. ‘I do understand why you feel the way that you do. But right now, things have reached critical status and we cannot risk you out there on your own, at least not for the immediate future.’ I was doing my usual angry pacing. It was either do that or put my hands on the guy and honestly, I was never sure if he could take me or vise versa. And as of yet, neither of us had reached a point to where we wanted to see who would still be standing at the end. But that will come to an end tonight if they cut off my way of leaving here. “Skye, my whole fucking life has been in a critical state…This war going on now is no different from the others, only the faces of the enemy changes.” I stopped mid pacing and glared at him with fangs extracted. “I’m useless here and me sitting around is going to be more fucked up for you all than what you are in fear of out there. Plus, I’m not on my own during the daytime, I have my main man Shawn.” I couldn’t help the shit eating grin that took over my face and Skye responded just the way that I knew he would. ‘You are kidding me, right, Dason? Shawn, at best might be able to find a sufficient place for himself to hide but that is about it. What ever do you think the male could actually do to assist you in not being permanently extinguished?… Go ahead, I’m really wanting to hear this.’ I did almost smile because it was rare that Skye got riled up but I refrained and ended up with a smirk instead. “Hey, Shawn is kickass…Maybe he can’t do the fancy tricks that you can but when it comes to having my back, nothing or no one would stand in his way.” Something that I said must have struck a calming chord within the imposing male. He went from irate to almost patronizingly chilled. ‘I have one question. Can you with a clear conscious be okay with taking him into the darkness and battle the monsters that hide there?’ My top lip pulled up revealing the razor sharp canines as a low menacing growl vibrated through me. ‘That is exactly my point, Dason.’ I was ready to fire back a response but Skye rushed to keep talking. ‘Look, for now, you have no restrictions. I will hold the higher ups, off for a little while longer.’ Now it was my turn to roll my eyes dramatically. Higher ups, my ass. They can kiss my ass. But I wasn’t going to argue that fight again, especially when I was getting what I wanted. “Okay, deal…So I guess I will see you on the flip side angel boy.” I flashed a big ole smile and swiftly took my leave of Skye’s pristine office before he decided to change his mind because I was being a smartass… But come on, when wasn’t I being a royal dick? I shrugged as the heavy ornate double doors closed behind me and I whistled as I walked through the way too fucking white halls. This was one place, I would have sworn I’d never see, alive, or dead.

[todieornotto]

Bloody Banana splits...

Part Two:

“Shut the fuck up and park the damn car.” I shook my head as I looked sideways at my friend of over twenty years. ‘Dude, why the hell are we doing this shit? I done told you I was here earlier and no one was home and there ain’t no fucking cars here just like there wasn’t none when I was fist here.’ I didn’t even try to hide the eye roll that went one. “I swear to fuck, you talk just to hear your own fucking voice.” Once the transmission was in park, I was already stepping out and heading up to what appeared to be a very quiet and to the human eye, vacant home. But I could hear at least three racing heartbeats on the inside of the house, as we walked up to the front door. Of course I couldn’t say that to Shawn. I had yet to impart what I am to the ones that knew me from when I was just a mere human. Fuck NO…That shit would not go over good at all. Maybe one day, but today was not it. ‘And why the motherfucking shouldn’t I? I have a sexy as fuck voice and you are lucky that you get to hear it so much. So stop your bitching.’ A brow cocked and I just smirked at my partner in crime. “How often through the day do you stroke your own fucking ego?” Shawn snorted as he came up right behind me. One thing I always knew, my homey might be full of shit with most of the stuff that he said, but there wasn’t another that I trusted to have my back. ‘I don’t know about stroking my ego but I had this hottie earlier who was stroking my dick like a back alley whore on a mission to earn that crack money.’ Just then I held up my hand and all fucking off was put on hold. I heard the slight rustling going on in one of the back rooms of the house. Of course Shawn heard nothing and was looking at me with that usual questioning face. But he wouldn’t say a thing because he knew one thing, I was rarely wrong in these situations. Shawn had just stopped asking how the fuck I was able to know for a fact when others were hiding inside a place. I glanced at Shawn, a clear ‘I told you so’ written all over my face, right before I kicked the door in. Yes it was broad daylight and yes people were on the streets. But that is just it, this was my territory and the one trying to hide from me, was trying to screw with my business. That wasn’t going to happen and those sitting on their porches across the street, wasn’t going to do a thing to stop me. If anything, they would run interference if I needed it. The drywall busted under the force and then all you heard were feet running to and from, trying to find an escape. I called over my shoulder to Shawn. “Shut that. No one needs to witness what’s about to happen.” He was already doing just that before I finished talking and I barreled through the shotgun house as if I belonged in it. My homey had weapons draw, following me as I stalked my prey. It didn’t take long to find them. What dumb fucks, they actually ran right where I wanted them to, in the old cellar in the rear of the house. I stopped on the edge of the lift up doorway. “Keep cover up here and do not open this unless I tell you to.” Shawn gave an annoyed snort. ‘I just don’t want to hear your smart ass shit. I already saw that motherfucking look you gave me and by the way, suck my left nut. No sonofabitch was here earlier and you aren’t telling me different.’ I didn’t bother with words as I lifted the trap door up but I did let him hear my sarcastic laugh while I stepped down into the damp place. Instantly old dirt and fear assaulted me and I grunted in response. Its not like I was trying to be quiet or anything. I wanted this bastard to know his minutes were numbered and so I made all the noise, I even talked to him and his buddies. “Come out come out,   wherever you are…Oh who I am kidding. Your dumbass is hiding under the stairs.” Just then a tall lithe man bust out of the hiding place and made an attempt to attack. I rolled my eyes for the second time since parking outside and I pulled the piece that was always stashed at my back and placed a neat hole dead center between his graying brows. “Bullseye motherfucker.” His body crumpled to the dirt floor and I kicked him out of my way. Just then two others scurried out, like rats and started pleading for their lives. I crossed my arms in front of me, the gun still in my hand and I cocked my head while I watched them fall over themselves with tears and slobbering promises that they were so sorry. “Drop to your knees.” And just a like a genie, those fuckers obeyed my wishes. A smile curled the ends of my lips up and I let them continue to throw out empty words until there was a sliver of light coming from upstairs and I heard Shawn yelling down. ‘You cool bro?’ I snorted and called back to him. “Asswipe, didn’t I tell you not to fucking open that?” And a snort came right back from him. ‘Yuup and as usual I didn’t listen so now what you going to do.’ I dropped my arms and waved the gun at the two who were whimpering on their knees before me. “I’m going to fuck that sweet piece of ass that you claim was stroking you earlier.” That brought about a whole lot of blustering and curses. I just grinned as the door drop shut and once again we were almost enclosed in darkness. “Alright, shut the fuck up. You’re giving me a headache.” The words stopped but the crying didn’t. “Open your motherfucking mouth…I said, open. Your. Fucking. Mouth.” I knew they both saw the slight glint light up in my otherwise usual dark eyes a second before they did as they were told. I stepped one foot closer, placed the barrel in the one on the rights mouth. “You see all of this could have been handled in a whole other way. But you chose to steal from me and yeah, that slight can never be left unanswered for. I mean what kind of thug would I be if I let some wannabes get one over on me…I’d lose my cred and then business would decline. And your life…” My finger stroked the trigger just enough until I gave it that final pressure and just like that, problem number two was taken care of. I didn’t stop talking as the body slumped and blood and matter splattered everywhere, especially on his buddy that was now in a nice fetal ball on the ground. “is not worth the cash in my pocket. Nope, not even the loose change in my ashtray.” I crouched down in front of the last living dumb fuck, tapped him on his head repeatedly with my piece. “You tried to take fifty from me and you honestly thought you would get away with it.” I glanced from him to the other two corpses and gave a shrug. “Little do you know, I was informed of the scheming. And I have had my drugs and my dough since day one of your plotting.” That got him to pull his head out the tight huddle he had curled his self up in and the incredulous look on his face was well worth it. “Exactly, I have what is mine, I will always have what is mine. You all are a lesson. Everyone has to be one at some point in their lives.” He went to open his mouth and I cocked the gun and before his next breath could be released I pressed the steal to his forehead and let loose on the rest of the ammo. Yeah okay, it was overkill and I now looked like I was in a zombie apocalypse but hey, why the fuck not. I stood up, wiped a hand down my face and make the track back upstairs to an annoyed Shawn. And as I expected he started in as soon as I pushed the door open. ‘You ain’t sticking your dick in nothing that was stroking me. Got me motherfucker?’ I snorted out a chuckle, stuck my gun back in place at my back and clapped him on the shoulder. “Deal, now to make you happy again, how about we go to Dairy Queen and I’ll get you a banana split. You game?” There was some grumbling at first. ‘Fine but I also want a motherfucking chicken strip basket.’ 

[todieornotto]

Where it started...

“Get your feet moving boy before I bust you upside the head.” Those words were swiftly followed up by a sharp jab to my back. It was that action and not what he said that pulled me out of my drooling at the shiny new tonka truck in the store window. That was one of the nicer threats my uncle spat at me on a daily basis. I just shrugged my small shoulders and trudged along with him and his sons. I was a byproduct of unlucky addicts and the extended family of those crack heads were cursed with dealing with me. And trust me, none of them ever passed up a chance to inform or showing me of what a burden I was. By the time we got to the apartment, it was evening and dinner was on the stove. I was starving and the bland hamburger helper smelled like a steak and potato meal to me. The other boys always bitched about eating the same thing day in and day out. I wasn’t that kid. I knew what it was like to go days without eating. Back when my parental units were still breathing, any spare change was put in their veins and food wasn’t a priority. But I should have known sitting down and having a peaceful meal wasn’t going to happen. As soon as I grabbed a plate, it was yanked from my hands and I was shoved to the ground and while my so called family fixed their own plates, I was beat down on the kitchen floor by their real kids. I was a fool back then. At eight years old I expected adults to do what the ones on TV did, for their kids and families. Even though I had repeatedly been shown differently throughout my young life. It was my aunt who pulled me aside that day and told me how life was going to be me. “You better learn how to hustle boy or you ain’t eaten and soon you will be rotting right along with your crackhead mom.” Then she left the room, came back and handed me a quarter bag. “See what you can get for that.” To say that I got myself fucked over, was an understatement. I walked away with enough change to buy a coke. I learned the streets real quick. That happens after you get beat down so many times. You either stand up or stay down. And staying down was never an option, it never will be one. Once I started figuring out how things actually worked, I was on a roll and one of many hustling the street life. But living that life and mixed with the home life I had, I became was angry little bastard. No one was off limits to me back then. All it took was someone walking down my street and I would be on them until my crew had to rip me from my unsuspecting victim. Now looking back on it, they would have me on one side, calming me down and who ever it was I had jumped, telling him that it was all good and that nothing happened as far as he was concerned. You never let your dogs get ratted out, no matter what the situation was. That is a lesson you learn from the cradle. In between staking my place and upping my game, the rage only grew by leaps and bounds. It didn’t help that they stuck me in facilities for troubled youths like boys school and a mental health facility. I still clearly remembered my first week in and the counselor would ask me the same thing every damn day ‘How are you doing today, Dason?’. And I would give the same answer every damn day ‘How the fuck do you think I’m doing? You have me locked up in this fucking place because you claim I have anger issues. How the fuck do you expect me to be happy when I should be out of here? Bitch its fucking dinner time and you have me in the motherfucking classroom while those other fuckers are eating…You going to feed me and I don’t mean your damn snack crackers either. I want a sonofabitching pizza. Fucking feed me already bitch.’ It was a constant fucking thing, those idiots trying to figure me out and get inside of my head. That never happened. No matter what they tried, it didn’t happen. I dealt with that shit for two years before I got to the nice legal age that I could sign myself out of the facility. And I did just that, flipped them off as I walked out the door and I never actually signed a damn thing. But them fuckers weren’t going to step up to me. No, they let me walk right out the front double doors and I never looked back again. Although since leaving, I’ve had a few family members try to get me committed back into one of those places. She didn’t try that again after the first attempt. Trust me. The list of those that came first was simple, your home boys, always. Everyone else came second. And I never had any family or anyone else that I would have put before my boys. When I stepped back on the streets, it was as if I had been gone for ten plus years. The block party went on all night and it didn’t stop until Sunday morning worship started and the old ones demanded some semblance of peace on Gods day of rest. We might be hood but a grandma will straight smack you up side the head for certain disrespects and Sundays were one of them. Which was cool because I was past the point of being burnt and sleep was exactly what I needed. From that point on I ran my area like a fine oiled machine. The goods went out the door before they even made it through them. Business was booming and I decided it was time to expand my inventory. I wasn’t going to mess in that meth bullshit but guns and a few other drugs, were right up my alley. The narcotics were easy to push, I did them just as I did tree. Now for the other new part of my hustle, it took a little more finesse. The last thing I wanted was to have any piece being traced back to me or my home boys. Fuck that shit. At first I was a picky fucking bastard on who I would sell to. Yeah drugs killed and all that shit but putting a gun in the wrong hands, could fuck a guy up for life. And I wasn’t planning on having some cracked out whore using one of mine in a crime and then pointing fingers. No, I made sure my arms deals were done in a secure location and I ran facts on the buyer before I would even agree to meet with them. And in the beginning that was sufficient enough. I fucked up along the way somehow and it all came back to bite me hard.