To Gay or Not to Gay

To Gay or Not to Gay is a blog that I started to talk about current events, issues, and topics affecting the LGBTQ+ community. As time passed I stepped away, but my passion to share knowledge and wisdom has brought me back. 

[togayornottogay]

Pride season is coming up!

Hello readers!

The past few month have been one filled with heartache, and disappointment throughout the country.

We have seen states step back 20+ years in our fight for equality.

As we get closer to June, and we hear people ask, “why do you need parades, festivals, and events?” It is important to remember that this is the time to educate, build bridges, and gain allies.

Pride month is filled with parades, celebrations, and festivals to commemorate the fight and actions taken by our queer foremothers and forefathers at the Stonewall Inn in New York in 1969.

Through civil discord and marching, members of our community stood up to the oppression being perpetrated and launch the gay civil rights movement that we are still fighting today. The pioneers of the early riots and subsequent marches have paved the way for us to continue our path to equality; however, we can not forget them.

The picture for this post is the original pride flag, which included two additional colors, and as you can see that the colors were representative of qualities or values that were important.

We cannot take advantage of progress, for in the past 6 or so years, we have seen that progress threatened. We are seeing more Anti-LGBTQ+Legislation. Unite, reach out to your local congressmen and congresswoman and together we can ensure safety and equality for ALL MEMBERS of our community

Much love and light to everyone! <3

[togayornottogay]

Return of the ignorance: Don't Say Gay pt. 2.

Hello Readers!

In one of my first blogs written on here, I discussed the second coming of the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in the state of TN. This was back in 2013, and who would have thought that nine years later I would be writing about yet another state that is trying to Ban and erase the word “gay” from the schools.

I am not sure about all of my readers; However, I knew from a very young age that I was not “normal”. I may not have known exactly what was different, but I knew that I did not think, react, and see the world as a binary, black and white existence. I found myself able to admire not only the beauty in women but men as well. I knew I was different, I just did not know, how. I struggled with my sexuality as I grew up. I learned that I was not normal, I was a “freak” and I let that play in my head over and over again until I had hated myself much more than I realized was possible. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I accepted myself fully and embraced myself.

I grew up in Delaware a state that leans more on the liberal side of the spectrum. My struggle was internalized homophobia that sprouted from a combination of religious and unrealized familial homophobia. Kids are cruel, and we know that, but teachers were my saving grace. There were many times that I found myself leaning on the guidance of one of my teachers to bring me back from dark places. They accepted who I was even if they did not relate, they supported me and were an ally.

Since my time in school, there has been a lot of progression in the normalization of the LGBTQIA+ community. However, every couple of years we see the rise of discrimination, bigotry, and marginalization. Former leadership in this country has normalized hate and given voices to those that previously hated in silence.

I will not say that it was ever gone, ignorance will always exist; however, it was not vocal and front-facing. And as we see some things getting better, we have other states and individuals pushing a hate-filled agenda.

Over the past few months, we have seen a rise in attempts to censor and invalidate huge parts of history. The same people that are against “Cancel Culture” are the ones that are trying to erase formative lessons from our schools. From books and teachings on the holocaust to the realistic and historical implications of systemic racism, misogyny, and discrimination. If there is something that makes the cis-gendered heteronormative white man look bad, it is being removed from schools and white-washing and Christian-washing our educational system and government.

Therefore when we prohibit our educational system from teaching the history and facts that have built the nation, we are invalidating the fight and struggle of entire societies in favor of remaining ignorant to the hurt and pain that was caused.

At the root of these bills, we are seeing arguments that are based in religious belief and not in statistics or fact. Removing the word or mention of homosexuality, same-sex couples, and anything other than heterosexual-normative life is telling one child that his two moms are second-class, or another that their feelings of being a boy/girl/non-conforming is invalid and cause internalized self-hate and lack in confidence.

These bills cause the rate of LGBTQ+ youth suicides to increase. They harbor and allow bullying and hate to grow. They tell children that their life or the lives of their parents and loved ones are sub-par and of less value than their friends’ heteronormative family. It fosters a precedent to further isolate and alienate youth that is already at higher risk for suicide, substance abuse, and psychological trauma.

The scary part is the religious basis of these bills and laws that are being created. What is forgotten is that in addition to freedom of religion, there is also freedom FROM religion. The government, local, state, and federal should not be making laws based in religious belief or bias. Beliefs are not facts, and even when faced with facts, beliefs are still ruling the decisions of lawmakers in this country.

If you live in Florida please, write to your local representatives on the implications that these bills will set. The lessons that erasing an entire group of Americans will have on the youth. They are not only erasing members of communities but they are erasing the family members and loved ones of children. They are making it to where someone is unable to share information about their family members. Most importantly, these bills deteriorate the ability of children to learn critical thinking skills. It limits their ability to formulate their own opinions and ideas. It crushes creativity and ultimately sets children up to enter a growingly global environment in which they are unable to perform at the maximum of their potential.

Florida is not the only state where attacks on gay and trans youth are occurring. Protect our youth and stop putting them in further danger.

Remember: the similarities in all humans far exceed the differences; however, the differences are what is being focused on. We need to share love and break down the barriers that foster hate.

There is no better you than your authentic you!

Love, Light, and Happiness!

-Joey C.

To Gay or Not to Gay

[togayornottogay]

What are your 2022 Goals?

Hello TGONTG Readers, it has been a while since I have been back here and writing. I have missed sharing my thoughts, sharing my views, and reaching out to you all this past year.

In 2021, I made a pretty unrealistic commitment to try and write a blog a week while being a full-time manager in retail, a full-time student and navigating the trials and tribulations that 2021 had introduced to us all. I want to apologize for setting the expectation that I would be writing so frequently.

As we neared the end of 2021, I like to reflect on and revisit goals written down and see the progress (or lack of progress) that I have made in reaching those goals. Reflecting on my 52 weeks of history idea, I see how unrealistic it was for me to accomplish given my professional and academic situations; However, writing this blog and building a following dedicated to inclusivity, acceptance, and being a safe space is a passion of mine that I want to continue.

Looking at my 2021 Goals, I realized that while I made goals and statements, I failed to write them down and follow the goal-setting process that I typically would have. I learned in my college classes a strategy for writing goals that I fell in love with and was highly successful at accomplishing, and I am unsure why my goals last year were not structured in this manner.

I want to share this with all of those that read here, I am going first to explain the process, and then I am going to finish by sharing with you my 2022 goal for this blog.

Goal Setting Strategy: S.M.A.R.T. Goals/ S.M.A.R.T.(E.R.) Goals

SMART goals are relatively easy to create and provide the required information to make a plan successful. They consist of 5 characteristics (7 for SMARTER goals which we will go into a little later). The process is structured to ensure there is a steady progression towards completing the goal set. Unlike Resolutions, a sense of accountability is created when you use the SMART goal method. Let’s Explore this method and each component.

Specific:

Your goal needs to be specific, it cannot be too broad, or it will lose its focus and never reach realization. Specify what you want the outcome to be. Instead of stating, “I want to obtain a Bachelor’s Degree,” detail the degree you wish to receive. “I want to get my Bachelors degree in Biology, with a major in Genetics,” this second goal is precise and helps form the finalized vision of the goal.

Measurable:

Ensure that there is a way to measure the success and progression of your goal. Add a form of measurement to the goal if there is not one that was first thought of. For our above example, you could add something along the lines of “I want to get my……while maintaining a GPA of no less than 3.5.” This ensures that you have some accountability to hold yourself to.

Attainable:

Is this goal something that you physically can do? Are you able to obtain this? Are there any restrictions or complications you will need to settle or barriers that could prevent this from occurring that you need to break down first? This will work closely with the following two components of a SMART goal.

Realistic:

As with the attainable attribute, you need to make sure that your goal is realistic. For example, can you realistically travel to the moon this year? Is your goal something that does not require resources outside of your ability to obtain? What limitations (resources, Time, effort) are needed, and can you spare them.

Timely:

Coinciding with the realistic component is one resource that needs to be structured for your goal, and that is your goal timely? Is this something that you can set a time limit to? Without having a timed portion of a goal, how are you to measure your progress if there is no deadline and no controls? Again, this needs to consider all other components of the SMART goal, so we could not say, “I am going to enroll in college and will receive my Bachelor’s degree in….within a year and a half. This timeframe is unrealistic and certainly not attainable if you are not returning to school from previous enrollment.

As you can tell, making SMART goals is answering The Who, what, when, where, and how of the accomplishments you want to achieve. SMARTER Goals add two additional components; they will be listed below.

Excites:

Does the result of the goal excite you? Is the goal itself something that excites you? Use this attribute as motivation.

Review/Reward: Two-Part attribute

First, ensure that you have the goal posted somewhere that you see it daily (Post-It, Vision board, or Planner). You are more likely to accomplish and work towards a goal when reminded of it regularly.

Secondly, Establish milestones and rewards. When I hit this point, I will (Take a trip, have a spa day, make a purchase you want). Set smaller rewards for the milestones and one large reward for once completed.

This method of goal-making has changed the way that I approach things. I enjoy explaining and going over this with others to help them.

So, now that I have explained SMART Goals, I want to share my SMARTER goal that I have set this year for TGONTG. In 2022, I will post at a minimum of 1 post a month. I will be posting on current LGBTQ+ events, Events that have shaped our community to date, and various other subjects. In addition to my blog post, I will be launching and maintaining a TikTok page where I will post a brief video regarding the blog post's topic and schedule a live event to discuss the post. This excites me because I genuinely love writing and want to interact more with my readers. I have this goal posted and written in my notebook. I have been performing and will continue to perform Sunday check-ins on all my goals that I have written, tracking progress, and I review my notebook daily. My reward will come from the growth and development of the ToGayorNotToGay brand that we will create together as readers and author.

I want to thank you all for continuing to follow and read these posts. If the SMART(ER) Goal strategy is new for you, I hope that you find value in the information. If you have heard of them before, I hope that this is a reminder that will help you through something. Lastly, I hope that we all have a great and prosperous 2022.

Please Remember to like, follow, and interact with items on FB, Instagram, and TikTok!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ToGayOrNotToGay

Instagram: TGONTG_NerdyJoey

TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdMRYmhW/

Linktree: https://linker.we/NerdyJoey

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Peace and Love & Happiness to you all!

[togayornottogay]

Week 5: Fight to the North

Hello readers!

Too often do we thing of LGBTQ+ Rights as a battle that is occurring and evolving in our own backyard and forget that this is a global struggle.

This week, our neighbors to the north celebrate what has been called the "Canadian Stonewall" for on February 5, 1981 a riot had taken place sparked by the discriminatory actions of the local law enforcement.  Toronto police stage a raid on multiple bathhouses in Canada, arresting 305 men (the largest mass arrest in history) which prompt a riot and protest the following night.

This is an important moment in history for the LGBTQ+ people because it reminds us that while there are many issues and battles that we must face domestically, but there are also issues that our brothers and sisters in other countries are decades behind us on.

Where we are fortunate now to be able to love how we want without legal ramifications, in other countries the law can lead homosexuals to be arrested, jailed, or put to death for being in love with who they love.

Do we have more fight to do within our own country? YES! However, the fight is not just one of domestic relevance. Gay Rights are Human Rights, and equality is not just for one nationality but for the whole human race.

We are members of one race, the human race and until we can ensure that all walks of that race share equal rights, privilege's,  and respect our battle is not over.

Remember Readers,

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

Week 4: Minnesota Discrimination Ban of 1991

Hello Reader!

January 29th, 1991, Republican Governor of Minnesota signed an executive order banning discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community in the public sector. 

I chose this event to show that LGBTQ+ rights are not just a Democrat tool for votes. We have to stop looking at the political party of an individual when it comes to who we vote for. Party does not necessarily match ideology and view. Conservative and Liberal does not = Republican and Democrat. There are plenty of both views throughout either side. 

In the spirit of Unity that President Biden and Vice-President Harris are striving to include in their administration, I would like all of us to ponder this. 

Love is the guiding force of what we need to concentrate on. Let’s not harbor hate towards a person because of their political affiliation; look past their affiliation, respect one another's’ differences, and have openminded and constructive conversations. The intent of these conversations is to educate and allow a person to think critically. 

Extremists exist on both sides and it is sad that the extremists become what we are associated with. Where I work, everyone I am surrounded by is Republican, the conversations they have frustrate me, but I have learned to allow them to have their beliefs because they are genuinely good people. There are times I will join their conversation when they lump all of one group into a single category; but I do not try to have an argument or debate because I am highly out numbered and a member of management; devoted to keeping the peace and structure of my location. 

I hope that this makes everyone think, and realize that we are not political affiliation, we are not our religion, we are not left or right, or members of different races or nationalities, we are human beings. Homo sapien sapien. 

Thank you readers and remember: 

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

Week 3: “...Make Hope and History Ryhme...”

Hello Readers!

I'm not sure how many of you teared up yesterday during the inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice-President Kamala Harris, but I know I sure did. It has been a blessing knowing that the past four years of uncertainty are over and a thing of the past.

In order to honor this ability to breath again, I would like to take a moment to examine not only what has happened during the tenure of "He who must not be named" but also the progress that was made during the Obama-Biden administration and the progression that we can expect moving forward.

We have had a lot of set backs over the past few years, ranging from racial injustice to flat out discrimination against our trans and non-binary brothers and sisters. An administration that was insistent upon placing blame and taking divisive action against our nation has opened the doors for hate, discrimination, and abuse of power to run rampant.

We have seen our trans brothers and sisters denied the right to honor their commitment to our nation through the military ban. We have seen members of our own community not only betray our causes, but discriminate openly against people of color within our community. We have had members of white supremacy groups openly displaying hate and discrimination.

In fact, in the last few weeks of #45's administration we saw last minute policy changes allowing social service providers to discriminate based on sexual orientation, adoption agencies being allowed to deny same-sex couples, and homeless shelters being allowed to turn away gay youth. Add these to the previously stated and we can see how very discriminate the previous administration was.

Looking back on the gains made in the community during the Obama-Biden administration the last four years was certainly heartbreaking. From 2009-the end of his term, the Obama administration strived to make the world a more inclusive place. Below is a list of some of the pro-LGBTQ+ events and executive actions taken by the administration:

1. Repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" 2. President and Attorney General announce the Department of Justice would no longer defend the Defense of Marriage Act's (DOMA) provision defining marriage as only between a man and woman. 3. Supreme Court rules in favor of LGBTQ+ community multiple times, ruling that section 3 of DOMA is unconstitutional. 4. Federal recognition of Same-Sex marriage, ensuring all individuals are treated equally under law. 5. The backing of protections for Trans and Non-Binary members of the community

January 20, 2021 is a day that is going to go down in history as being a win for our community, and minorities galore. Kamala Harris being not only our first woman Vice-President; but also the first vice president of African-American and Asian-American decent.

Finally, not only has Biden already reversed a lot of the anti-LGBTQ+ policies with executive orders; but he has also assigned individuals to be in his cabinet that are as diverse and inclusive as he stated it would be. Mayor Pete has been selected to serve as Secretary of Transportation,  and Rachel Levine (A transgendered woman) has been nominated as the assistant secretary of health.

I know that my heart feels at greater ease after the past few days, and I hope that yours does as well.

As one of our nations founding fathers stated, "United we Stand, Divided we Fall." I hope that the country can heal and the divide that has been created can be bridged. We are not Liberals, Conservative, Republicans, or Democrats; We are members of the Human Race, seeking equality justice and happiness for all.

Remember readers,

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

Week2: One Magazine and The USPS

Hello Readers,

In January of 1953, “One”. the first pro-gay magazine, was published and sold on the streets of Los Angeles. The issues sold for 25 cents a piece and were the product of the founders of the Mattachine Society and others following a discussion at one of their meetings.

The magazine was designed to unify the LGBTQ+ community into social action for change. The offices of the magazine also served as a community center for the LGBTQ+ community. A conglomeration of efforts between the Mattachine Society and the Sisters of Bilitis (it's lesbian counterpart). The magazine was published up until December of 1969.

Particularly Notable in this story is one of the first US supreme court decisions in favor of an LGBT organization. In 1954 the Unite States Postal Service refused to deliver this magazine. Calling it "obscene" due to the subject matter, and One, Inc brought a lawsuit against them. One, Inc vs. Olesen & the USPS was lost in the lesser courts, but on January 13, 1958 the U.S. Supreme Court overturned the lesser courts decision, asserting that the publication was protected by the first amendment right to Freedom of Speech.

This goes to show that small steps is what it takes to reach were we are today. Remember the past to build a future!

Remember readers,

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

https://daily.jstor.org/one-the-first-gay-magazine-in-the-united-states/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ONE,_Inc. https://one.usc.edu/archive-location/one-magazine https://one.usc.edu/

[togayornottogay]

Week One: First

Hello Readers.

With the first full week of the new year behind us, it is important that we remember the past and history that has lead us to where we are today. Civil rights has had many developments, and the LGBTQ+ rights movement has had small victories throughout the 20th century.

Technically speaking, there are 16 States as of 2020 which have laws against sodomy or any sexual actions that are not for the purpose of procreation (some of which include oral sex). Many of these laws have been invalidated due to federal or newer state legislature; however, they are still technically in the statutes of the states and can be used as a learning experience to what was once a larger issue; It was illegal to have gay sex throughout the country regardless of consent, location, or being in the privacy of your own home. 

As we reflect on this, let's look at what I find to be the first "win" for the LGBTQ+ community in this subject. January 1st, 1962 a new law went into effect, changing the laws on sodomy. This state code changed wording in the states law which decriminalized the act of same-sex intercourse, as well as established 18 as the age of sexual consent.

As I read into this I found myself thinking of the saying, "We won the battle, but not the war.". This was our first small victory even if it was not specifically a battle that was actively being fought. As lately as 2013, there have been cases of individuals going to court over some of these laws. In Texas, a couple was being prosecuted for having sex in the privacy of their own home. This case went to the supreme court and the law was ruled unconstitutional; but this is a reminder of how there are still laws and injustices left to fight for.

I am hopeful that this new year, new leadership, and new beginning will see changes abundant to the rights of all individuals in the U.S. but I especially hope that we see changes and the correction of injustices against the trans members of our community.

Remember readers,

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

New Year, New Us

Happy New Year Readers!

As we bring a close to 2020, I believe that it is important that we look back at the challenges and successes that we have experienced in the previous year. I remember thinking on December 31st, 2019 that 2020 was going to be my year, that I was going to grow, excel, and become some semblance of what I thought I would be by the age of 31; however, I did not anticipate a pandemic changing our lives radically. Through the challenges, success was still possible. 

The new year found me as a newly single person, out of a toxic relationship, I saw myself rebuilding myself this past year. Getting back in touch with what I found important, what I enjoyed, and what made me happy. My successes include getting back into the full-time workforce, getting a car, rebuilding relationships, getting promoted, loving myself (and someone else), as well as getting out on my own. The world looks different now, I can see hope, positivity, and enjoy waking up daily. I no longer dread getting out of bed and wondering what I am going to wake up to. Most importantly I found myself setting goals, doing new things, and pushing myself to grow and develop.

Following any relationship of significant length, I found myself in a rebound relationship. Blinded by the attention and treatment I had not experienced I told myself I had found love again, but it was an experience needed to remind myself that I had goals, and I had wants and needs of my own that I was refusing to settle on. I refused to settle for anything less than what made me happy, and for the first time in my life, I stood up for myself in a relationship. I communicated my needs, and that they weren't being met, and ultimately I moved  on from something that was meant to be a lesson on to something much better. 

I moved on to a relationship with myself. A relationship where I saw myself for the person deserving of love that I felt I never knew before. I had grown to accept that I was going to have to settle for only half of what I was wanting in life. I accepted that I did not deserve to be loved, that the hurt and pain I experienced in life was a norm for me; However, I saw for the first time, meaning and purpose. I saw that I could have happiness without months of hardship and drama. 

The whole experience took me back to my high school days, when over the loud speaker, our principal would end every day with the words, "Make it a great day, or not, the choice is yours." and while I did not understand it at the time, the words clicked for me. I have a choice in what I allow in my life, I have a choice in what I accept. No, things will not be  100% perfect, but perfection is in the perspective.  I can chose to allow drama in my life, I can chose to allow negativity; but if I chose this I am choosing to repeat the same cycles that have landed me in bad situations in the past. Just as I can choose to allow these things; I can chose to not allow them. 

I decided to surround myself by positivity and encouragement. I found saying, quotes, scripture, anything that inspired me, and put it in places that I would see every day. I began to speak my mind when things bothered me, and speak up when I felt mistreatment was happening (regardless of how receptive the individual was of it). And through this, I weeded through a lot of drama, a lot of anxiety, and I found not only happiness in myself, but found the light of someone that believed in me. That understood my past, accepted it, and realized that it does not define who I am now but merely shaped it. He accepts me, I accept him, and most importantly we communicate. Something bothers one of us, we say it. We discuss plans, we make goals, we want to see each other succeed and improve.

Yes, 2020 was long, it was crazy and unpredictable and there were times that a month felt like a year; but it was also filled with growth and understanding. I am excited to say that 2021, whatever it may bring, I am prepared for. I am setting individual goals, we are setting couple and relationship goals, and through the joined strength and determination (as well as accountability) we will reach those goals. 

What were your challenges this year? What were your successes? Do you have any goals that you have set? 

I have set one goal that I want to share with my readers, I love to write. Writing brings me joy and I find myself in the zone when I am writing. So for 2021 I am going to write 1 post a week (minimum) and will try and use a "This week in LGBTQ+ history" as the theme for each week. This is a project that I am taking on as a goal so that I can remember what is most important to me, passion. If you cannot find passion in your life, enjoyment in what you do, then why continue doing it?

So I leave you with this piece of advice: Don't make a resolution for yourself that you are going to forget by the middle of January, make goals for yourself that you not make but make properly. Make SMART goals. 

Specific

Measurable

Achievable

Relevant

Timely

And make them smarter by making them 

Exciting (to you)

&

Review/Reward - Review your goal regularly and reward yourself at certain intervals. 

Embrace your loved ones, stay safe, and wear your mask!

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

A Transformative Year

While 2020 has been a year of challenges for the United States and the world in general, I look back at this past year with a full heart and endless gratitude. It has been a year since my life changed significantly.

2019 was a year of challenges, a year of awakening, and a year of empowerment in the end. I was diagnosed as having Bi-Polar II Disorder, Anxiety, and was struggling with major mental health issues.  Many things were going on in my life that I was in one of the lowest and darkest times. Then, On October 27th, 2019, my 37-year-old sister passed away. A sharp blow to my heart, opening my eyes to my life’s inequity and loss of destiny. This event was the beginning of a massive change in my life.  

After spending almost two weeks in Delaware, experiencing what was going on at home, I decided that I needed to make a change. For six and a half years, I lost who I was—participating in events that I usually abhorred, going against all of my beliefs, and believing that love was the reason for doing so. I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. Control, Manipulation, Lying, Cheating, Mental and Physical abuse were all endured with the thought that love could overcome it all. I became a shell of myself, void of interests, void of passion, and void of the will to continue. Three different occasions found me writing goodbye letters to the family and friends that I would leave behind. But I kept fighting and rebuilt bridges with my family.

The weekend of my birthday, I was asked to give my other sister a ride to a procedure and spend the weekend. I was more than happy to help and packed a bag.  And so begins a new chapter. By the time the weekend was over, I knew I did not want to go back, and then when I decided to get my things, all hell broke loose, and I was able to get about 10% of my belongings; I got most of my clothing, important documents, pictures, and my two dogs. A few weeks later, my sister met up with him to pick up more things that he packed, useless things, things that did not have meaning or were needed, but there was supposed to be more. At that point, I decided I was happy with what I got; I didn’t need anything else. I was ready to start over. And the end to 6.5 years of uncertainty, of delusion, false friendships, and empty promises were over.

I had to start from rock bottom. I had no job, no vehicle, no confidence, but my will to succeed grew stronger and stronger. It also teaches you who the people that are true friends are. Narcissists have a talent for manipulation, forcing the belief that you are the bad guy onto others-that you were the one doing the evil and horrible things. But those that matter are the ones that stick by your side and help build you up. And building up, I certainly did; it took me a little, but I found a job. With the help of family rides and borrowing vehicles, I was able to make it there and begin building a new life. A few months passed, and I saved enough money to get a car, and then rebuild my credit a bit, and slowly rebuild my confidence. I started not only to find myself but recognize the person I saw in the mirror. I saw the potential that I had forfeited

With my new found confidence, I started to check off goals I was making for myself; I began to enjoy cooking, reading, and finding joy in things that I grew numb to in the past. I began to branch out of my comfort zone and push the limits of my anxiety. I had a rebound relationship, but it showed me that I was not only worthy of being cared for; but that I had a voice and did not need to settle for less than what I deserved in a relationship. I would not be the only one to sacrifice to make an effort, and I voiced my opinion and concerns as they arose. And finally, I found someone that the conversation, the chemistry, and everything developed entirely organic. Communication flows, the conversation never gets dull, and each day finds new and exciting aspects of one another.

The change and growth do not end here, Promotion, Getting my place, meeting the family, and finally living together. This year has seen me at my lowest and highest that I have been in years. I found myself; I found happiness. In one year, I have turned my life around completely.

There are many new adventures, many new chapters to write, and a story that my man and I are writing together.

So while 2020 was undoubtedly a trying and challenging year, it was a year of transformation. A year of discovery. A year of new paths, new friends, new vision, and refocus of priorities. 2021 is upon us. And as this next year will be a new experience for everyone, I want it to be a continuing transformative experience in my life.

To Gay or Not to Gay has been an outlet to me in the past, a passion that I failed to keep up with. In 2021 I am going to be posting one blog a week. With topics relating to that week in LGBT history, specific days, or different themes. Additionally, I will be committing myself to continue to find my passion for writing, and as other topics arise, I will push to get things out.

I want to end this post with a quote I wrote for a friend a few years ago.

“Regardless of how you feel right now, you are a beautiful, talented, and capable person who can achieve anything you set your mind to!”

– Joey ToGayOrNotToGay.

[togayornottogay]

Long Awaited Return - A Call to Arms

First off, I would like to apologize to readers for the long absence; time gets crunched and we are forced to put things on the back burner, but I am back and ready to go.

While we all are recovering from the disappointment in the outcome of this election; I would like to remind everyone that this country is OUR country. We have a voice and we have the ability to make change.

With that being said, it is not a time to flee the country and leave the events to unfold  without a fight. If you are worried about the changes that are upcoming; stay and fight to keep them away. Fight harder than we have fought before. Change is inevitable, and although I do not agree with the outcome we cannot change the fact that it happened. 

Remain optimistic; Here are a few signs of hope for our country:

In Popular vote; Hillary won the election by over 200,00 Votes.

Voters between the ages of 18-25 from all but 8 states would have given Hillary the presidency. (https://twitter.com/ebyard/status/796317753749729280)

These two facts alone, tells me that the future of our country is bright; whatever wrong we have to endure, and fights we have to struggle through, it truly will get better. 

Hillary’s concession speech was inspiring; and instead of bad mouthing and bashing Trump let’s hope for success and that the changes made will not be to irreparable. Let’s build the support needed for if and when things do get bad, and pray for the strength to endure anything thrown our way.

We do not need a president to “Make America Great Again” we have the ower to do this on our own, and keep the changes and progression we have made valid through perseverance and strength in numbers.

[togayornottogay]

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them..."

Suicide. A selfish act? Or a last resort of someone whom does not have the support system to help them through a rough time.

Within the past few month my family and I have lost two people to suicide. One of these people I didn’t know and the other I once considered a friend. Their deaths have been weighing on my mind a lot lately, keeping me awake, and finally I have the clarity to write about it. 

There is so much in life to live for, so much good, so much love. I believe that a lot of people feel that they cannot talk to family and friends without being rejected or thrown aside. I know that in the past I have felt that way, but have learned that there is more meaning to life than the pain we feel

As a teenager, I fell into the rut of not feeling love, not feeling like I had a place in this world. I was afraid to talk to anyone, the first person to come out in my highschool, and went from being on of the most popular people in the school to being on of the most hated. I felt that I couldn`t talk to my family for the fear of being told i was over reacting or taking things to heart too much. I had attempted suicide ten times, each time being less successful than the last, and with each one no one knew. I was a self-mutilator, and used the physical pain of cutting myself to dull the emotional pain i was feeling but couldn`t actually feel. Looking back now I realize how lost in myself I really was, how selfish I was being, and how much pain i would have caused those who loved me.

These family friends had reached the point I was at and had, in their minds, no other choice. I wish that I could express how hurt I am to have seen this break apart the will and happiness of so many families. The act of suicide seems selfish to those of us looking in on the situation, but to those experiencing it, it is a last resort. From experience I know how these people have felt, I just wish I was able to portray how much I could have been there for the one I personally knew. There is always someone in life that you can go and talk to. Never feel as if you are alone. Reach out, call a friend, call a family member, and if you have to call a hotline and talk to a stranger that will not judge you.

There is more to life, you are meant for more. And if you feel like you can reach out to no one else, reach out to me @ [email protected]

[togayornottogay]

All-American Boy: The song that has touched many

In search of inspiration for my next blog, I came across a music video that I am ashamed I am just discovering. "All-American Boy" By Artist Steve Grand was uploaded on YouTube on July 2nd, and By July Tenth had over a million views (Now getting close to two million). The song and video has created a buzz in the media, which has labeled Grand, "The first openly gay country singer." An inaccurate label, but one that has made things happen for him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjiyjYCwNyY

Not only was I impressed by the song, which brought back many memories of my own personal experience, but I was also moved by the artist himself. As I read more about the artist, watched his CNN interview, and read through other interviews, the story of this man is incredible. He is a true role-model for the gay community. (Some of the information from these interviews I am going to paraphrase but will include links to all of the ones I have read through, as well as the CNN interview.)

The Music Video was paid for by Grand himself, maxing his credit card and spending his saved money to do so. He is managing himself and taking advice from a friend to try and get his career started. The video has gotten him attention from agents and he is trying to go about it intelligently. 

As a teenager grand was subject to ex-gay therapy as a teenager, and has over come many obstacles that we all can relate to. Reading his story from the numerous posts, hearing his interview, and listening to his song has made me respect him in many ways. We need more of this in society, more openness and less closets.

I hope his story can be an inspiration to all of you, as much as for me. Pass this on, and read through these interviews.

http://youtu.be/PlIEJIuTHm0

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-story-behind-gay-singer-steve-grands-all-american-boy

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/07/23/op-ed-steve-grand-role-model-gay-youth-need

http://www.edgeonthenet.com/entertainment/music/features//147975/meet_steve_grand,_%E2%80%99all_american_boy%E2%80%99

[togayornottogay]

Read it, believe it, Live it.

[togayornottogay]

No means No!

rape[ reyp ] noun 1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse. 2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. 3. statutory rape

In a culture where sex is so easily and freely available to men (manhunt, grindr, adult friend finder, craigslist, etc) I find it generally unbelievable how many people still have the experience of being raped. This experience scars an idividual for life, and while they may learn to live with the experience, it is something that will haunt there nightmares and fears for the rest of their lives.

How many people do you know that have been raped? I personally believe that 1 is too many. Many people close to me have been on the recieving end of this crime, including myself.

What do you do? How do you move on? How do you trust again?

All legitimate and hard to answer questions. There are variables that make each case of rape different, between severity of violence as well as relationship of your abuser to you.

I know I still struggle with anxiety from my experience in certain situations. Panic attacks and mental breakdowns are a possibility for.me, and my situation was neither severe nor extremely truamatic.

Moving past the ordeal is hard. And although you will never forget, you can always ease the pain that you feel. Talking with someone, allowing justice to be served, and refusing to be restricted by the experience are the only ways to work past it. Blocking the experience out is a bandaid, and will only help for so long. You have to face it, and although you will never forget nor forgive the person, you have to accept that it was an experience that made you a stronger person.

Remember:

“Regardless of how you feel right now; you are a beautiful, talented, and capable person whomever can achieve anything you set your mind to"

-Joey

To Gay or Not to Gay

[togayornottogay]

Introduction: Be the exception, or the stereotype?

“To be, or not to be—that is the question:” ~Hamlet — William Shakespeare To fit the stereotype, or to break the mold. What does it mean to be gay? Are you simply required to have sexual relations with those of the same gender?  This probably sounds funny, if not ridiculous, yet I find myself asking myself these questions. Do I truly fit into the gay culture? It comes to a shock when people talk with me and find out that what I want is not too different then what they, as a heterosexual want in life. Is it so wrong for a gay male to want the house with the white picket fence, a husband, a family, and a dog? Or is it just an exception to the norm people are used to hearing?  Is there an option for true love in the gay community? There are plenty of websites and smartphone applications out there for hooking-up; But how many are there for finding true love? Do you stick out like a sore thumb among the profiles of others looking for a quick roll in the hay, or do you spend your time hoping that person would just walk into your life? How long do you search, and get hurt before you give up and join the rest of them? I know of all the wonderful stories out there of couple that have been together for 40 - 50 years, and I am by no means discrediting them or dismissing them in this rant of mine. This is about the community TODAY. The generation of gays that I fit into. With this all now said I can now introduce myself. I am Joey A., A 23 year old gay male, living in a small town in Tennessee. I refer to myself as the less-than-typical and hopelessly romantic gay. i believe that I will someday find a husband that will love me for me, will do anything for me as I would for him, would want children (at the least one of mine, one of his, and one adopted), and would be with me until “death do us part” without lying, cheating, or wanting to “Play.” I feel that if you bring up sex in the first conversation that you have with me, I’m sorry but that is obviously what’s on your mind. Don’t bother asking for a nude picture, I don’t have any and I’m not sharing. And most importantly I won’t have sex with you until we have been together and exclusive for three months. Do I sound like a prude? Probably! Do I care? No. With me saying all this I am by no means claiming to be perfect. Do I make mistakes, of course I do, I am human after all. Have I had lapse’s in judgement? Of course I have! Have I drank a little to much and said/did things that I normally wouldn’t. Yupp! Do I regret these things? No I do not. Life is too short for regret, instead you take your lesson and move on. 

[togayornottogay]

Awareness, Honesty, Safety

We have all had our experience and stories about HIV. Being a homosexual creates this stigma and ultra sensitivity to being educated about HIV, which is a residual effect from the negative connotation of gays and HIV/AIDS from the 80’s. with our awareness, we sometimes forget to address being faced with HIV in a dating situation.

With my recent delve back into the dating world I have been confronted twice with a situation that I wasn’t aware I had not thought about in the past.

Using a dating app, I was messaged by someone, whom had no intention of trying to talk to me in that way (being quite a bit older than me) But simply wished to pay me a compliment. After having a decent conversation with this gentleman, with absolutely no mention of sex, I read and favorited his profile. It is not often that you get approached by someone who is interested in intelligent, non-sexual conversation.

In his profile he stated that he was HIV+ and it was then that I realized I had never thought about how I would handle that in my dating exploration. If someone was honest and upfront about their status, how would I react.

My mind has been going over and over this for a few months now, the blog has been re-written a few times trying to think how to address this. I thought that I would just write what I know and my feelings, and I did not believe that was enough. So I attempted to get input by posting a poll on the Facebook. In my poll i asked, “Going to write a blog based off of this question, so I need as much participation as possible, and feel free to add your own answer as well…. Talking to someone and you discover they are HIV+, they have been upfront and honest with you about it. How do you react?” I gave a few options and left it open to add your own. This did not go as well as I had hoped. My post had reached over two hundred people, but three responses to the actual poll and the rest through comments with were maybe about 5 or 6 additional.

This made me realize that this is more of a “closeted” issue than I believed. Changing my way of writing this completely. In order to address the issue, it needs to be confronted head on.

Having an analytical mind, I first looked at the facts that I know about HIV. Then I thought about how I would react if I were to be positive. In all of my contemplation, all my theoretical situations, I came to the realization that for me, it doesn’t change a thing.

As long as the person I was talking to was honest, upfront, and fully disclosed I have no issue at all with dating a positive individual. Knowledge is power, and with that power you have a way of creating a safe environment to prevent infection.

HIV status in my eyes, is in the same boat as race, age, hair color, eye color, etcetera. It is nothing that pushes me to disengage the individual. An HIV + person is still a person.

The world has changed, modern medicine is an amazing thing. HIV is no longer a death sentence accompanied by a cocktail of pills.

I hope that with everything stated, I am not going to be misread. Safety is important regardless of how far we have come. Stay safe, get tested, be aware, and be smart.