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June 20, 2026

Hello again, it's been some time now.

I've lost my words, and it feels terribly uncomfortable.

September 11, 2024

I am made careful, unable to live life carelessly. Even in the mundane act of breathing requires a heightened level of mindfulness that others don't necessarily have to consider. They can do it without consequence while I am cautiously taking it in.

I am made careful, therefore I can't do life carelessly.

#2k24

July 7, 2024

"To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit." Jonah‬ ‭2‬‬:‭6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This past month has been nothing less than revealing. Just as I believed I was done and healing, you knew better than to stop there. Being able to express my real feelings in the presence and safety of a solid community, as uncertain and risky as that feels ... there is a certain type of healing that can only happen with the community. I have already done a fair share of it alone with you, and now, I have to do it with your people who would carry a view of you that I can only uncover through their eyes and lives.

I'm approaching this with a tinge of fear, but I know that a good thing will unfold. Even if I don't see it now, I need to continue trusting your heart. If I've never doubted you then, there's no reason for me to doubt you now.

#2k24

d-vsl

Photography by Charlotte Lapalus

sivadsucram

May 21, 2024

When will this get easier? When will this drowning be over?

God, please.

#2k24

tresbongout

February 1, 2024

Surrendering has never felt uneasy or difficult to do, because it's the only thing I have to offer in every and any situation. When death comes knocking on the door; when the chains have slithered their way back unto my feet; when breathing is no longer a tandem act of inhales and exhales ... I can only surrender and keep on surrendering.

#2k24

November 17, 2023

This year felt vastly different from all the other years combined. I've never felt lighter, happier, and more inclined to live than die. One might say it's morbid, but if I'm here to write my truth, then that's what it is.

While we're on that thread, I'm also learning to come to terms with who I am as a person ... in my entirety. For too long I've lived under the expectations of familial relations, served with the burden of societal judgments, and loved out of an overextended consciousness. I was never taught to accept, but to either suppress or simply stay silent.

But the turning of a decade has awakened me to understand that loving others doesn't mean I have to undermine myself. I don't have to change who I inherently am for the sake of anyone else; boundary lines are now easier to draw, friendships have been sieved, and God is truly the bedrock of my existence. Sure, there'll be plenty that will never understand and perhaps none will. What's more important is that I've found the One that always will and He has blessed me with a handful more that would too.

I've never felt more whole than I have now. I've never felt more free, and I've never felt an easier breath than this very next one I take ... and the next, and the next. I pray this fresh decade ahead will be one of a great revealing—an unveiling of the hidden, a grasping of what's already there while yielding to the mysteries, and wielding well the lamp unto my feet ... and the one of utmost importance, to live thankful.

#2k23

thoughtkick

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

Abraham Lincoln (via thoughtkick)

September 3, 2023

The days following the silence and solitude retreat have been rather noise-filled in potential environments for stressful tension and friction. Albeit a little intense, there was also a tremendous sense of lightness and peace ... one that has familiarly returned. This sense of clarity in my mind and soul I do not take for granted, but I'm also feeling a great sense of gratitude for God's "suddenly(s)": the great lifting of the heaviness, and the imminent change of my family's home base.

Something just came to mind as I was writing that down. This home base has been a house for plenty of bad memories ... there's almost absolutely nothing good (God aside, as that's one I ever grateful for ever having the chance to know). This sudden change allows me for a fresh, clean start ... a slate wiped clean, stain free. Oh God, you sure have your ways of doing things. Yet, every single thing is most intentionally timed.

#2k23

May 21, 2023

Juxtaposition. Familiar anticipation. In the waiting ... again.

May I never ever take this feeling for granted.

#2k23