Haii I just finished listening to Eskew and i just want to say thank you for making eskew i think its one of if not my favourite podcast ive listened to yet.
I used to have depression w psychotic symptoms, paranoia, delusions, severe anxiety etc. etc. the whole David Ward starter pack basically (ive been doing much much better since 2 years ago so dw) and i dont think ive ever been able to find any media that has even begun to come close to how accurate eskew is able to show/describe that experience and how self-managing it in isolation feels while still having to do all the normal things in life and having to seem as if you are still a "functioning" member of society. A lot of eps from eskew were /very/ similar to specific delusions or anxieties i experienced during the years where i was in psychosis (or close to it) most of the time and so it was wierdly comforting to listen to actually, it was both a reminder that there /are/ actually other ppl out there who do understand and have gone through similar things and it made me realise how much ive improved in just those 2 years already. I used to think and act pretty similar to david during that time and i now realised how much easier i can trust my suroundings, happiness and other people again. I still very much experience the fear of being known (and the occasional psychotic ep but theyre less intense and much shorter now) but being completely unknown doesnt feel like the way to move forward anymore. bad things can happen and it doesnt feel like a reflection of who i am anymore.
Like im still /me/ i still have the same struggles and i can be a little paranoid at times but its nice to see how much ive been able to move on from and to have a real goal again.
David felt so realistic in the way he dealt with the world of eskew, he obviously often did not do the right thing but everything he did felt so natural for who he was and the situations he got in. throughout listening to eskew it felt like having a confrontation with my past (and partially current) self again, and knowing that that version of myself was only natural and helped me survive but its no way to move forward while being in a better place than eskew and just knowing theres still a long way to go and it will just get easier from now on.
And then there is the ending (or at least my interpretation of it from the past hour while staring at a wall in silence after the ep and writing this). To me its about the moment of getting out of a psychotic episode and that depression (somehow, even i dont understand how i got out) and suddenly everything is easier but you still cant trust anything bc it shouldnt be this easy. bigger changes in live, other things that should have been able to make my mental state better hadnt worked so why now? is it even real? and the only way to move forward is confronting yourself and to figure out which parts of yourself are able to survive and which parts you have to let go off. the period of just being able to live your life and asking yourself if everyone was always just able to live like this new version of you is, while also still being isolated by the fact that you have to build your whole world anew and have to figure out how to function without having to second guess everything and relearning how to trust the world and people again, despite knowing your experience of life will never be the same as of the people who have never been trough this.
But eventually being able (kinda) figure it all out again, finding a new direction to go in and choosing to move forward again instead of staying stuck in the endless cycle of pretending and start to live. finally.
Idk if this is even coherent and i probably forgot a lot i wanted to say, but anyway im posting this before i chicken out and delete it all.
In short i just wanted to thank you again for creating I am in Eskew it deeply resonated with me and just...wow..
Hey, and thank you so much for listening and sending this in! That absolutely rocks. It totally is coherent and I think your read on the ending really resonates with me as well.
It was meant to be about getting better, and how that can feel like an abandonment, and how it can feel like shedding more than just skin - not solely becoming something else, but losing so much of who you were (but then perhaps you'll still never quite be rid of that person, those feelings, that shadow).
Really appreciate you feeling brave enough to write this and please carry on carrying on.
