would love more Gender Thoughts with bucktommy ✨
gosh, where to start!
i think both of them make an effort to embrace their feminine side, but for different reasons, and in different ways.
for tommy, it's an act of defiance. he makes an effort to embrace the parts of himself he's spent his whole life suppressing. for tommy, it's an active fight with himself to allow himself to do it.
for buck, it's easier. buck has been stuck in heteronormativity hell for most of his life, and for him it comes down to thinking certain things just aren't for him. most things are roughly divided between girl stuff and boy stuff, and buck hasn't had a reason to confront that. he's had a lot of strong women in his life, so he doesn't look down on feminine things, he's just brushed it off as being not for him.
for buck, it's more joyous exploration, not defiance, but it's not free of shame. something like buying a fun crop top for pride; i'm sure the purchase is easy, but once the day comes, it turns out to be hard to actually wear it. for buck, it comes out as a voice in the back of his head saying i'm not supposed to do this. i imagine the gender exploration happens hand in hand with the bisexual awakening.
buck has met many queer people in his life, and has likely envied their lifestyles. maybe it's an appearance thing, or a confidence thing, or just throwing off the chains of the gender binary, but again, it's just one of those things. he thinks this is not for me, i'm not one of them. that kind of acceptance doesn't just happen. knowing he's bisexual doesn't just make all of that ok. he looks over his shoulder when he makes gay jokes, wonders how valid his queer identity is, when he's still mainly attracted to women. biphobia runs deep.
the sad thing is, i don't think tommy is helpful. not because he doesn't want to be, but because tommy doesn't take part in the discourse. tommy grabbed the first label he found meaning in, the end. tommy is gay and other people can do whatever they want, tommy doesn't care what other people get up to. for tommy, it has always been a very private thing. everything he does, he does alone. once he's figured it out, he can present it to other people, if he feels like it.
buck on the other hand, buck processes externally. most of what he does, happens in conversation with other people. i'm sure tommy's disposition bothers buck, because tommy can't help him, and buck wants to do everything with tommy. i don't know if it's possible for them to communicate well enough to meet in the middle, and if they can't, buck has to find the answers elsewhere, with other people.
for tommy, it's a deeply private thing. if he gets into something creative, like painting/knitting/whatever, he does it in the privacy of his home, until he's comfortable in it. i think he has to fight himself very hard to do certain things. buck wears pink so easily, but if tommy were to attempt the same, it would be something like pink socks/underwear, that he only wears alone, and only at home, and even then it's a challenge. and if he does overcome the hurdle, it could be a point of pride. i'm personally very fond of the idea of tommy in a pair of bright pink muay thai shorts, that he's extremely proud of himself for wearing, even if he won't admit it to anyone.
it's tommy, i showed interest in my grandmother's knitting when i was eight and my dad called it gay, so i'm gonna learn how to fucking knit and buck, i'm allowed to be soft and gentle and it doesn't take away from who i am as a man, it doesn't make me weird or wrong, i'm allowed to have feelings, even the strong ones, even the ugly ones.
are all of these things gender things? not necessarily, but they're part of it.
i also think buck gets a kick out of it, once he feels more settled about it. getting to do the gay jokes and the gay memes, and having a boyfriend who calls him princess when he's being prissy. i think it could be really meaningful for both of them, once they get to a point where they're honest about these things; to get to a point where they support each other in what they want to do, and assure each other that it's ok if today is not a crop top to pride day, or that whatever cutesy nickname they have going feels a little icky in public, so they keep it between them.
