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@tomorrowandeverythingafter
2026. Fuck me, man.
I'm so very tired. I ache down through tendon and sinew, down past bone. I ache on a molecular level.
I can't remember how I used to end these entries.
Photo Location: The bathroom of a coffee shop. Time: 7:07 2-22-2026
Last Lyrics Heard: "A rich man's chess game is called a war / and the pawns they use are named "the poor." / And no one ever wins." -Honey, I was Right About The War (covered by Jane Douglass)
Working through a breakup silently- not that I know any other way to work through things anymore. But it's working through a breakup while to navigating single Parenthood from dawn to well past dusk, knowing full well that I can't slip even for a moment. I don't get time to process.
Is it even a breakup? Or just a final nail in a coffin I tried to close six months ago when he told me that he would change and had changed already. How hard he clung to me, and how easy he let go later. When the pandemic lulled, when spaces reopened. It doesn't help to know I saw it coming.
Photo- Date: 7-24-2021 9:15 PM; Location: Logan’s Square; Last Lyrics Heard: “You had me on watch / I wish that you’d stop / I’ve been knocking on wood / Then there’s me / In my worried shell / You know me so well / But not like you should" - "Altitude"- Mal Blum
The porch by his house is so familiar, though I haven’t been here long. It’s every wooden set of apartment stairs I’ve ever sat on to surreptitiously smoke before the house can wake. Two days running and I’m still amused. Photo- Date: 6-2-19 6:00-ish AM; Location: Logan’s Square Last Lyrics Heard: “When that sun had risen, the rhyming it was through / When that sun had risen, yeah, yeah the rhyming it was through / Four and twenty blackbirds had rhymed that whole night through / Fly away two blackbirds with nothing left to prove” -“Blackbirds” by Erin McKeown
Sitting on wooden apartment stairs in Logan’s Square at 7 AM, wearing a star trek dress, socks, second hand Armani blazer and baggy beanie. Hey, I’ve worn stranger. This is all so familiar- 15 years later and I’m at it again, cigarette in hand. Enjoying a peaceful morning moment with the sound of birds and a plastic cup of water while my lover sleeps, though now I type tiny keys into virtual notes instead penning in my moleskine. Will wonders ever cease? Not today, because I’ll be going back in. And that man in a wonder.
Photo- Date: 6-1-19 7:00 AM; Location: Logan’s Square Last Lyrics Heard: “Forget the bull in the china shop / There's a china doll in the bullpen / Walk with a switch, fire in her fist / Biting at the bit / Swing at every pitch / Coach put me in like ” -"The Bullpen" by Dessa (it was stuck in my head)
Sometimes mornings don’t start off beautiful. Sometimes you have to make them that way. Photo- Date: 5-14-19 8:50 AM; Location: Grant Park Last Lyrics Heard: “Oh I might stutter, I might falter / Sail uncharted waters / Drowning, lost, then found / Drowning, lost, then found / I am a king / You can’t deny me my kingdom” -“You, Sailor” by Erin McKeown
Blessed be the mighty Zzzquil, great god of actually sleeping for over 6 hours straight. Blessed be thy name, because I felt ammmmazing this morning. (This FB post brought to you by: Sleeping Pills. Sleeping Pills: Kicking insomnia's ass and making me a happier parent since 2010) Photo- Date: 5-6-19 ; Location: Washington Street; Last Lyrics Heard: “Oh boy I'm lucky / I'll say I'm lucky / This is my lucky day / I'm all in clover / I'm glad all over / I want to shout hooray / I found a horseshoe / couldn't go wrong / and then of course / you happened along / Oh boy I'm lucky / I'll say I'm lucky / This is my lucky day” - “Lucky Day” by Erin McKeown
The beautiful thing about insomnia is getting to see the world as few do- the night moments. I’m awake again at 3 AM, having left a man sleeping sweetly in bed. I’ll return to him soon enough. There’s time for a moment, for a photo first.
Photo- Date: 5-4-19 3:20 AM; Location: Logan’s Square Last Lyrics Heard: “Clever red foxy so far from your den / Are you as innocent as you pretend / my enemy's enemy might be my friend / Clever red foxy protect me I pray / For I fear this might be the end of my days ” -”Little Black Bird” by Charming Disaster
I love to stand outside in the city at 3 AM. After a day of throngs of people, everything is suddenly quiet. For a moment, I have the street to myself. Photo- Date: 4-22-19 2:50 AM; Location: Washington St. Last Lyrics Heard: “ You've been acting awful tough lately / Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately / But inside, you're just a little baby / It's okay to say you've got a weak spot / You don't always have to be on top / Better to be hated / Than loved loved loved for what your not ” -”I am Not a Robot” by Marina and the Diamonds
Lost and found eggs. It’s okay to be a little broken.
Photo- Date: 4-21-19 10:00ish AM; Location: Logan’s Square Last Lyrics Heard: “ Give me a kiss before I'm to go / A lingering kiss to keep me warm / Pack your things and don't tell a soul / My clumsy dancer, my good luck charm ” by Charming Disaster
Watching my children play hide and seek among public art works, and there are so many reasons I love this city. Sometimes I think about switching neighborhoods (particularly when the kid’s school goes down a ranking and pushes test scores), but no. Downtown is too much to resist. Photo- Date: 4-17-19 2:50 PM; Location: Grant Park Last Lyrics Heard: “I'm the kind of lover who won't run for cover / What kind of lover am I? / C'mon, c'mon baby, I'm lovin', lovin' lazy / What kind of lover am I?” - “Queen of Quiet” by Erin McKeown
Late nights and open windows looking out into other lives. Downtown is alive and I should be sleeping but there’s so much out there. My heart isn’t mine anymore. It’s half a city away...
Photo- Date: 4-15-19 11:30 PM; Location: Couch Last Lyrics Heard: “Let’s take this sleepy town by storm / And when the sheep have all been shorn / We’ll be gone just like the gentle breeze of yesterday With your skills and my good looks / Those fish’ll be begging for the hook / Reeled in by our seductive serenade” - “Grifters” by Charming Disaster
It’s so quiet here. I remember that from staying with my friend’s mother in a nearby neighborhood- sitting on her back porch with her, a cup of coffee, and the quiet. I miss her, but I prefer the rhythm of the city- the comfort of the trains and sirens and syncopated yells. Maybe it’s the agoraphobia- I like buildings outside my windows.
Photo- Date: 3-31-19 4:30 PM; Location: Springfield, IL Last Lyrics Heard: “ Come on down Emily / See the new me / I've been quietly writing / And counting in three / Tell me, is it too loud or too fast or obscene? / Sometimes I think / You just like to be mean ” - “The Difference” by Mal Blum
For seven years, this building was home. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without Springfield and all my favorite people. I love them more than books, or cheese or air. <3 Photo- Date: 3-31-19 Aprox 9:30 AM; Location: Springfield, IL, 5th Street; Last Lyrics Heard: “I think I'm pretty good at talking to people / I try to listen hard when they respond / but I'm not much of a networker / unless you like non-sequiturs / about mold, or ghosts, or chubby little dogs” - “The Shrink Thinks That The Problem’s In My Head” by Mal Blum
Me to Sarah: “Men always want to think they’re special- like they’re the only horrible decision I ever made. Dude, do I have news for YOU.” Sarah: “I can make six horrible decisions by breakfast!” Me: “EXACTLY”
Photo- Date: 3-31-19 Aprox 4:30 AM; Location: Springfield, IL; Next Lyrics Heard (the following morning): “Don't waste your worry on me / I always find what I need / Come and go as I please, / I've got my skeleton key” - “Skeleton Key” by Dessa
(Edited from notes taken a few hours after the photo) If I really like someone, I tend to lose underwear at their house. Not to remind them of me. Not because I believe they’ll be returned. It’s because I don’t take the time to find them- I just run. I just fly. Photo- Date: 3-30-19 Aprox 11:30 PM; Location: Springfield, IL; Last Lyrics Heard (while getting dressed): “Has your face gotten older? / Has your voice gotten lower? / I feel the same / but the world keeps getting slower / something inside of me says / I’m better than I was” - “Better Than Before” by Mal Blum
I’m not coming out. Nope Nope Nope The world can wait Photo- Date: 3-25-19 11:00 AM; Location: Bedroom; Last Lyrics Heard: “ Roll that stone from my heart / Won’t you roll that stone from my heart / And when it's gone / You will see where I was laid / And that I’m gone ” - “How to Open My Heart in 4 Easy Steps” by Erin McKeown
The (early) Morning After I used to say the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. But how do you get over that one? Hope that you find one that you actually hope flies away. Sometimes the bad nights are easier than the good
Photo- Date: 3-21-19 4:00 AM; Location: Bedroom; Last Lyrics Heard (while finally posting it): “ They say there's good grief / But how can you tell it from the bad? / Maybe it's only in the fact / Good grief's the one that's in your past ” - “Good Grief” by Dessa