This Is My Life

29 years old San Diego, CA Hockey fanatic, Coffee lover, Beer geek, Don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Don’t know where the fuck I’m going.

[tone-balone]

Another year and another birthday...

One more year to add on to my life. One more year of me just pretty much wasting space on this planet. I always get so depressed around my birthday. I dont get it...well maybe i do. I always spend my birthday alone. The same thing every year. How ive longed to have friends who would throw me a birthday party just for the hell of it, or even just want to do something with me. I get it, im fucking weird. I like weird stuff thats outside of the norm or dont like what everybody else likes. Im also anti social as fuck alot of the time. A certain someone was planning something for my birthday for me (but well we all know what happened in november).

I know I push people away when im depressed/emotional. I hate that I do it and I fear like ive pushed the people who used to care about me so much away from me for good and that scares me. We were friends for so long and I honestly dont know how to make friends anymore. Im going to be fucking 30 years old and I dont have anyone in my life I talk to. Im honestly surprised and amazed ive made it this far. And to be completely honest, I dont know how much longer Im going to be able to keep going on like this...

[tone-balone]

Ive always really disliked this time of year...

It always makes me realize how truly alone I am. Every year i get so fucking depressed.

Every year I feel like such a burden on my family. I never have money for gifts yet everyone gets me all this stuff(even though i tell them not to) because I feel like shit for not being able to reciprocate. Im also a fucking emotional wreck every goddam year. Its always so fucking lonely. Just once Id love to go look at christmas lights with someone...anyone and nobody ever wants to go. I feel like if I ask Ill just sound desperate. Everyone is all paired up and with someone they love/love spending time with and Im just with myself. Its nice but just once I wish someone would want to/enjoy spending time with me.

It also hurts so much that i was dumped like a month ago and it ties directly to me feeling like shit this time of year. I was supposed to have plans right now. Supposed to be spending time with someone I loved and who I thought loved me. I literally just want to sleep until I go back to work. I dont want to be home alone with these feelings. I just want it all to go away so I can try and be happy for once...

[tone-balone]

I honestly dont want to go on anymore. I am such a failure at everything I do. I hate myself and everything about me. I realize I need to change but I honestly dont know if I have the strength to even do it.

[tone-balone]

It happened...

She broke up with me. I felt like it was coming. According to her we werent in the same place emotionally/mentally. I mean its true, Im just starting to try and work through my issues and shes already going through/already through that process. It hurts, it really does.

I think the thing that hurt me the most was when we finally told each other we loved each other and then she pretty much took it back after she asked when the last time I said it/wanted to say it to someone. She didnt believe I could get over someone in 6 months.

Something else that hurt me was in the process of breaking up she told me she wished I could be someone she could talk to at the end of the day to destress but she never saw me like that. I dont know how I couldve change that. I thought made her happy. I thought she liked me. I thought I was her boyfriend. Thats what I was there to do. Comfort her when she needed it, make her happy but I guess I couldnt even do that.

I think it hurts so much because it was a clean break up. It would be so much easier to hate her for something but I dont. I have no animosity towards her whatsoever. I loved Alyssa, she pushed me to be a better person so much that I found a job that is better for me and will make me happier in the long run. Yeah there were some low moments but I always kept trying. She nagged me a bit about stuff but thats what I liked about her. She was always pushing me to just be better than I was.

I didnt realize how much it affected me but Im going to miss her son the most. He is amazing. He is so bright, so creative, and such a sweetheart. I loved him too. He reminds me so so so so much of me as a kid. When she wanted to introduce me to him it made me so happy and honored and when we spent time together it made me feel like I didnt have a care in the world. Im so happy she let me give him his lego advent calendar before I left and that she let me pick him up and give him one last hug. It took so much restraint for me not to cry in front of him. He was the best kid I have ever met. I hope one day I can raise a kid as great as him.

I know theres stuff I need to work on. I know I can be pretty emotional and irrational when I am being emotional but I was trying to fix it. I also take things too personally and I was working on it. I just couldnt fix it fast enough.

[tone-balone]

Theres so much going on in my head. I want to talk to someone. The problem is I feel like nobody wants to/cares about whats going on. My best friend is going through shit of her own that is way bigger than what im going through and I feel like everyone else I know doesn’t want to be bothered my my insignificant problem that probably is miniscule to them. I have a problem holding stuff in and its because Ive never felt like I have a safe place to let it all out. Theres so much Ive been holding in and I fear that my girlfriend is probably sick of it. Im trying to change for the better but she has a kid already and the last thing she probably wants/needs is an emotionally/mentally fucked up needy boyfriend. Every day I feel that shes growing less and less attracted to me. Its probably not happening but I dont blame her if she is. I mean look at me? Who on this fucking earth would ever want to be around me let alone date me? I just want all these feelings to end. I know everyone always says love yourself blah blah blah but how on this fucking earth do you love yourself if everytime you look in the mirror you see a piece of shit loser that is going nowhere in life? I dont know how to see myself any other way and its scary as fuck. Im almost ready to give up...

[morbidlittlebitch]

i am a mistake in this world

[foolisland]

[restoring-feather-deactivated20]

Person: “so do you have some kind of talent?”

Me: “yeah dude, I disappoint people, I’m pretty good at that shit”

[depression-anxiety-me]

[jazminzz]

“Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people?”

— (via jazminzz)

[annasaffliction]

“Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I will never be good enough for anyone”

— Courtesy of the Depressing thoughts eating me alive

[therealityoftheworld]

What’s the actual point in living?

For happiness?

Where do I find that?

[goreg0d666-blog]

life is just a game and i don’t wanna play it anymore

[lostandinlovefuck]

The truth is, i wanna be happy, I really do. The truth is I’m still trying, I’m still giving life a chance.

But the truth is also that I’m always disappointed, the truth is that I’m never really happy. The truth is nobody cares, even though they see me breaking in front of their eyes. The truth is,I don’t belong here, no matter how hard I try.

[beautifuldarkmind]

I find it so sad how no one actually cares when I’m down. ‘You’re always in a bad mood’. No, I’m depressed.

[fuck-up-nation]

Losing my mind right now… so many urges to just give up… i think I’m losing the battle

[i-need-to-be-fixed]