Positivity in Negative Spaces

I don't know what I'm doing, but this is my 3:16am, I stopped drinking for two weeks and now I have a blog blog, that should help me sort some things out. 

[too-poor-for-real-therapy]

Why not breath in a cigarette

Let me go further in introducing myself: I am a bartender in a pretty affluent area. People in this area are very entitled and treat each other like absolute garbage, but somehow I got to be partnered with the most amazing ladies and gentlemen to work with ever. Don’t get me wrong though, we all have some problem or another. Except for J. He is just perfect. More about that later. Boy do I have some messed up stories about being a bartender. 

Back to my home life. I am dating a man 5 years older than myself. For the last three, almost four years I had been having realizations. At first I tried very hard to fix myself when problems arose in my relationship, but I have truly started to understand what gaslighting is. For instance, I was going to the gym and feeling confident in how I was looking, so i put on shorts for the first time in about a year. And the first thing that he says to me “Hey, your legs look really big, and not in a good way”... welp, I put some legging back on.

I planned out my schedule the other day and realized that I have about a 55 hour week without homework. Just with school and work. I guess... I get a little tired. But my name at home now a-days is “sloth queen” because I am lazy, not driven and can’t keep anything clean. Honestly, I feel driven until he tells me I’m not. It’s like he constantly breaks me down. It’s like he wants me to fail sometimes.

I’m sure that everyone (me) because I am the only one reading this is wondering why even stay with someone like this. Well there are ... okay aspects to this relationship, though not many as of late. anyway. A lot of people in psychology will understand that the fear of losing something is much more influential than the possibility of gaining something better. 

Plus. If he were to describe me he’d say, I’m “overly emotional” and “can’t remember anything”. For some reason I never remember anything that happened correctly. But why would he stay with someone like that if he hates it so , much? That I still don’t understand.

[too-poor-for-real-therapy]

Why stay.

There are many people in my life that have influenced who I am. And some of those people have changed me for the worst. Some of them made me a better human. The man I am currently with called me his “queen” and his “religion” when we first got together. Three years later he started to say that I would have to “earn those titles again” and that I “don’t do anything special or queen like” in his eyes and don’t deserve names like those. 

Let me introduce myself: I’m a 26 year old lost in this sea of life trying to keep my head above water. I have a job where I work 35 hours a week, I also go to a university full time and I have to do the house work when I get home. I love my dogs very much. They are one of the best parts of my day. There is so much love from them every time I walk in the door.