Jinx

I am constantly feeling some type of way

[toofasttooslow]

also how the fuck do people make friends on here do you all hate me are you mad at me did i do smth wrong im sory

[toofasttooslow]

GAHHHH why do moms need to hate their daughters like what did I do you made me

[toofasttooslow]

I think of the moon and I feel sexy. I think of slipping my hands underneath a worn t-shirt and feeling warm skin, of pressing my lips into yours and feeling the wetness of your saliva as it enters my mouth. I don't rush you; I take my time in tasting your mouth yet still, I barely make it to the bedroom, closing the curtains a forgotten task. the moonlight will hit your bare body as it lays on top of mine. You tilt my head up with calloused fingers and the blue light of the moon reflects in my eyes. You kiss my lips slow and bite into my bottom lip, I wince but the pain is welcome, even when you push it into my cervix.

[toofasttooslow]

Maybe I don't understand the things I say I do.

My spine arches in the perfect performance, my skin is soft where you grasp. I let every pair of lips touch mine, so I never regret doing too little, yet I feel nothing. i take the shot, I smoke the joint, I take off the shirt. Where has it gotten me? touches that have been sold to me as soft and slow have been nothing but rushed and distracted. I lay under with eyes glazed over, I curl away with my hair in my eyes, i laugh when the Smirnoff feels suffocating. I kiss girls I don't love; I keep the company of boys I will never look for. I roll my eyes at love while I water it down for myself in a blend of murky water and bitter alcohol. I've turned what should have been soft to something bitter. I wait for a hand to slip callouses to the roots of the hair at the base of my skull, to lift my head up and clear the water.

Or maybe I do and the things sold to me aren't real. I pray to a god I don't believe that this is not the truth to the softness I crave.

[toofasttooslow]

i wish i liked boys

im drunk and gross for being this way

[toofasttooslow]

if the opportunity presents itself to me, would i kiss you in that diner with coffee scented breath or would i let shame rise up to my throat, swallow it down, and let it take root in my bones?

[toofasttooslow]

i am wound so tight. i hone in on every glance in my general direction, obsessed with the way I am perceived.

i arch my back just right and perform, despite being a contradiction to the character i play.

i am tense and tight. I don’t let anyone in yet i ache to unravel in someone’s arms.

you, who i hope for, will feel the warmth when my back slouches down and my skin falls in rolls, you who will press your fingers into the layer of skin resting on top of my ribs and leave your prints.

then, i will be undone, unraveled, and hold no shape at all.

[toofasttooslow]

i got asked out tonight. a boy asked me. his hair is a shade of light brown i didn’t look at hard enough to remember.

i know i wont ever like him. i know its not possible for me to feel those soft feelings for a man. for that hard flat chest and the protrusion between his legs.

i flirt anyway. i laugh at jokes that aren’t funny and sometimes i say i’m not amused. he takes it as a game. hard to get maybe or that my humor just has a harder ridge to it. he thinks it is different and fun and maybe he makes me into a picture.

he doesn’t know what i am. he doesn’t know the ladybugs in my stomach fluttering about. he doesn’t know of the want festering in my womb, not of anything he could ever give.

i know what i am and i know that I’m alone. maybe im too young and i haven’t ventured into the world of women who trail their hands up the spines of other women and press into skin until it hurts.

but i know i fill that void with him. i fill it through that bump in his jeans and the callous in his palms that i pretend isn’t really his. i am a bad person for it, i know i am but maybe at some point in time someone will see how dirty i am and still press themselves against me till their tongue absolves me of all my sins.