I wish I wasn't so awful. Every morning before I even wake up, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. "Will a ten top come in each with special requests? Will I be able to keep up? Will I faint under the pressure? Will I just break down in front of these strangers?" I try to find support in those around me, but I feel helpless and alone in the act. Sometimes I wish I could just stop. I feel like this is just how my life is going to be now. Somewhere along the way I made stupid decisions, and I feel so deep in this hole that I don't think I can surmount a climb out. Why do I have to feel this way, why can't I just turn my stress off and buckle down and be a master of my profession? I just don't think I'm cut out for this, lucky me, I've only been doing it my whole adult life so far. My thoughts, that I generally feel in control of, are now disjointed and nonsensical. I just want it to all be over. I don't want to disappoint my love, my friends, or my family, but I'm running out of excuses. It's feeling more like it's my fault I can't hold a job for more than a few months, because well, it is. I just feel it pulling me down more than it did previously; how long till my nose is below the water? It's so hard to be helpful, loving, and supportive when I wish that I was just gone from it all half of the time. I'm struggling to hold back tears when I think of a future with my career going the way it is. Though I nearly have a perfect love with my girlfriend, I feel so much pain because I think that I'm holding her down here in poverty, with me. I just wish it would all end, I can't see the light anymore.
