this is so cringe

yeah so my head is full and I'm so tired lol

[toomanythoughts-inmyhead]

chat, I've started to question about why I'm so drawn to all of these sorting algorithms and things that are primarily used by system-decoding or functions, or just like- not made to be casually human readable. So- Why am I making flashcards for myself? Do I crave structure? Why am I learning rules built for robots? do I want to have a neat little code processing/operating system in place of my faulty brain? I like learning these set rules, is that me wishing that my body had been structured with these rules embedded inside of my core? these rules are easy to understand, did I type all of this out just because I want to be able to understand myself just as easily? Subconsciously, I gave myself a fantasy that my body could run on set rules and systems, because I needed this metaphor to help me recognize I'm struggling to process my own feelings and thoughts?

(this is the moment where I'd insert a self-deprecating joke to cut off this thought process, add shame for future attempts at continuing. why do I do that? make myself feel bad for wanting to understand myself? I'm split between having full self-awareness for my thought patterns, I can easily spot which are healthy-normal and what's just a toxic learned-behavior. it feels so obvious, yet I'm still giving room in my head for those unhealthy learned traits. I suppose that's where my human error shows.)

I'm.

It's Three AM.

where did this come from? feels out of nowhere, but I still took the time to write it out. maybe it was buliding up and I missed it. maybe I just felt like writing something. my questions feel rhetorical, like I'm only asking them to display my emotions instead of asking for answers.

I think I have the answers.

(that was going to be a statement. it's almost interesting seeing how fast I'll try to quiet or soften the confidence I wanted to display to myself. I feel the need to lace my assurance with doubt. I know, but I feel.)

I like computers. I feel so much. now my feelings have overpowered the self-awareness, I feel tired. I want labels for all of these parts of me, but I know that even attempting to do so would be shot down with so much shame that I won't.

[toomanythoughts-inmyhead]

Okay, so I recently moved into an apartment with two roommates, and my bedroom is a lot smaller! I've tried fixing this by stacking my things a bit more up instead of taking up more floor space. For example, I've stacked two dressers on top of each other so that they're taller instead of side by side and taking up more floor space. I don't really have a lot of little things to put on wall shelves. It's mostly big things or things that would need to go on the floor, I guess. I've started looking into underbed storage and hanging cubbies for my closet, but I'm not sure if there's anything that I'm missing for ideas? I'm gonna get one of those ceiling nets for my stuffed animals!

I've tried looking at all of the blank space on walls and thinking about what could go there or how I could fill it.

ALSO, my current plan for the window- so! I don't really want curtains because I know that I'll just keep them closed all the time. Plus, I don't really want to mess with curtain rods or anything fancy like that. Maybe I could put some black poster thing over the window so that it's not so bright? I don't know. My last room didn't have any windows, and I would always sleep in until 6pm. And with the window uncovered, I kind of Have to get up early, which I appreciate, I guess. I don't know. New room, New me! Haha

I'm not really sure why I'm writing about this. Guess I just like explaining my mindset. Helps me understand what I was thinking when I look back at this later

I can't really do bins on top of the storage dressers that I already have because the top of the one has a lamp that I use (overhead light too bright Sadge) and the top of the bookshelf has figures and stuff. Plus at the foot of the bed is this giant maternity pillow that can't fit in the closet, but I refuse to get rid of and it can't fit on top of the bed because then I can't fit on the bed haha

Honestly, I kind of like the idea of the foot of the bed space being another extension of my bed, Because then I never have to worry about those foot of the bed monsters, LOL. Just more bed, No space for monsters.

(yes I'm a wuss and I'm scared of things that don't exist. I've found ways to make my room feel safer or less scary instead of growing up and getting rid of my fears xD)

Aaaa I just wanna talk about my room and how fun moving out is now! I live in my own place!! (W/ roommates ) that's exciting!!!

I know that I need more things on my walls to make my room feel less empty, (not that my room is very empty at all lol) but that will come with time! We plan on staying here for a good five years or so, no point in trying to have absolutely Everything ready and complete in the first month lol. Things will settle in time, I know that much. It's a process and I'm ready for it, I love this place, I like my roommates. I'm excited for the future for once

I remember how when I was younger, I didn't think that I'd live past sixteen. Look at me now, here I am! The big twenty-one, decorating my room! I feel so proud of how far I've gotten, anf I know I've got so much left to go, left to learn. I still have times where I'm not exactly thrilled to still be breathing, but I know that it'll get better. It has before, and it will again.

And again.

And again.

I know I have a future ahead of now, every day that I make myself get out of bed is proof that I do, proof that I'm working towards it.

I know I'll get to see tomorrow because I'm alive and experiencing today

[toomanythoughts-inmyhead]

I think I still want love one day. it's scary to think about loving someone, being intimate. trusting. I don't think I'm ready yet, to commit. I haven't matured enough, there's still so much for me to learn and accept.

but I don't think I hate the idea anymore.

I want to kiss someone's knuckles. to hold their hand and smile. stare into their eyes and see the emotion held. I want to show my love. I want to have love. I want to care.

I dream of washing dishes, having a pair of arms snake around my waist. to gently be made to sway along with an imaginary tune. I dream of laying together on the couch, a tangled mess of limbs. feeling the steady thu-thump of my love's heartbeat through my palm pressed to their chest. feeling their fingers trail along my spine, soothing over my shirt. bury face into the crook of their neck and breath together in unison. laying there till our scents mix and we'd smell like each-other.

I want their hands to play with my hair, tuck the loose stands behind my ear. pausing for a moment before sliding down to cup my cheek, tilting my face up so that they could see me properly. could look into my eyes.

and in my dream, I wouldn't be scared to meet their gaze.

I would let them see me. they would smile. such a soft thing. they would see me and they would want me, in only the most tender way.

in my dreams, I would enjoy kissing. in my dreams, kissing could be special. a way of sharing connection, a simple press of lips, a sweet touch. I wouldn't be made to feel gross after. I wouldn't have to scrub my mouth raw just to feel clean.

I could look up at the bathroom mirror.

("how could you let them Take?")

and my reflection would stay quiet.

I could give myself to them and know that they would return me Whole. they would cherish me. make me feel loved. I would be loved.

in my dreams they would want my thoughts, my mind. not just this body. not just the part between my thighs. I would be taken and held and kept and protected and it would feel good, it wouldn't hurt. they would love me and it wouldn't hurt. there would be connection, our connection. our nights together would feel like two people sharing these bodies as if we could wake as one. as if we could fuse.

I wouldn't feel gross after love.

I want my dreams to be real. I'm scared of my dreams being real. how do I find someone that sees love the same way as me? that wants to love me in this way? that will understand my fears and be patient with me. I want to share my life with them, I want to have them. I want to be selfish. I want them to be selfish. I want them to be possessive and I want to feel safe. I want so much. I want all of them and have them take all of me. I want to feel complete at their side, in their hand, in our bed. I want-

I don't know.

I need,

I feel,

I dream of someone I don't know. my body longs for their touch. my mind longs for their comfort. I can't visualize their face, I can't hear their voice.

So how is it possible that in my dreams, they look at me with such a beautiful expression using a face that I am unable to picture? how is it that I can hear the loving tone, the sweet whispers from a voice that I am unable to recognize the sound of? how am I able to yearn so deeply for someone who's features are so unknown, so ever-changing in my head?

I am glad that I am not so shallow that I would choose my lover solely for their looks, I am glad that my dreams aren't spent lusting after their beauty.

I am glad that I want love to feel intimate, special. even if the idea of such closeness is still so terrifying.

I want,

I yearn,

I crave,

I need,

I love-

I will work on trusting others. perhaps it will help me not feel so afraid of trusting the person I will love.

such a shame it would be to make my person feel unwanted, to let my fear overpower my love for them.

I will love.