A Life Less Lived

[toomuchkween]

I failed.

I was up for two days.

[toomuchkween]

The goal right now is to be smoke free through Monday morning. I swung by my dealers place before work to drop off some cake, and the 100 I owed him, and although I didn’t do anything the thought has been put in my mind.

I have plans Monday to see someone I have been friends with for over 35 years and I don’t want to be a zombie.

I have for the most part been managing my addiction a lot better than I ever have. I never spend all my money, I don’t blow off work, I pay my bills. I’ve gotten my credit score up from 580 to 760, but I’m not so foolish to think I can’t get out of control again.

Happy Memorial Day!!!

[toomuchkween]

I had lunch today with my father and step mother.

I stayed away from the pipe yesterday so I was normal when I saw them. Sunday is usually my blaze day, so if I do something Monday I’m usually tired and coming down.

I am better with this kind of thing sans drugs.

Note to self.

[toomuchkween]

Another successful work week of NOT HIGH!!

Monday will be a different story because I need some dick!!!

Hooray!!

[toomuchkween]

I made it!!!

[toomuchkween]

If I make it through tomorrow I will have gone two weeks without having gotten high during the work week! Yay me!!

[toomuchkween]

Do you hate being an addict?

I certainly do.

I have, some how, been able to manage it a lot better, but I am still making bad decisions, not doing life correctly and I am fully aware that sooner or later it all comes falling down.

Despite my 35 years long addiction my life over the past few years has gotten better. I have been able to get rid of all my debt, I am making decent money, and I really like my job.

It is so easy to fuck it all up. I am anxious about this all the time.

Also the idea of stopping is totally overwhelming. I am afraid I would go crazy and never be able to have sex again.

35 muther fucking years.

[toomuchkween]

Why is it so easy to bullshit my way through things when being honest would have made it all so much easier!!

[toomuchkween]

The night after my last post I did my weekend usual, and felt like crap all day. Which I knew was going to happen.

Also, I swear I’m becoming immune to the stuff as it barely does anything to me anymore.

[toomuchkween]

For the first time in a long time I did not get high last night. I have been able to get so much done this morning it’s almost obscene.

This is your brain (NOT) on drugs!!

[toomuchkween]

I’m strange. I’m over 50, single, basically poor, out of shape, snarky, selfish, crass, loud, silly, self righteous, judgmental, hypocritical, moody, emotional, stubborn, vulgar, a wicked slob, lazy….just to name a few.

AND….I’m better than I used to be!!

I feel like I’m getting back all the garbage I’ve thrown out into the universe for the majority of my life.

I have no idea why I don’t want to take 2 hours to clean my absolute disaster of a bedroom.

How the hell am I supposed to prepare for the rest of my life when I can’t even do that.

[toomuchkween]

Why is it so easy to bullshit my way through things when being honest would have made it all so much easier!!

[toomuchkween]

Being a post middle aged crack/meth head kind of sucks!

[toomuchkween]

Sooner or Later...

Sooner or all the lies, all of the redirects, all of the cover falls. Whether by accident, carelessness or telling a lie that doesn't fit well with another. Then little by little someone will figure them, it, and you out.

[toomuchkween]

A Bad Thought

I was just thinking about something unpleasant. It's something that, I think, has been buzzing around my head for years, but I have never wanted to try and grab it because, it is as previously stated, unpleasant.

That thought is: To the family and loved one's of the people I get high with, I am evil, a villain, a criminal, the devil.

I was imagining that if someone I partied with were to pass away and their family were to get into their phone and get my info. that they could very easily see me as part of the problem.

I don't like this at all, but sadly, I couldn't blame them either. I mean, we are all adults that decide to do what we do, and I am not the only person anyone I know gets high with, but I am still on the map, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to not think about this ever again.

To those people, I am an evil, horrible, awful person.

Good Lord.

[toomuchkween]

I’ve been able to stay clean for a work week for the first time in ages. Or at least what feels like ages.

Yay me!

[toomuchkween]

A Week

I wanted to stay not high for March.

I couldn't go longer than 8 days.

What the fuck am I going to do. Its starting to eat me alive. I am spending over 500.00 a month.

I hate this.

I really, really hate this.