#queer addict

[toomuchkween]

Sooner or Later...

Sooner or all the lies, all of the redirects, all of the cover falls. Whether by accident, carelessness or telling a lie that doesn't fit well with another. Then little by little someone will figure them, it, and you out.

[toomuchkween]

If there were songs that summed up my addiction they would be as follows:

Bad Girl - Madonna

Constant Cravings - K. D. Lang

Fallen - Sarah McLaughlin

‘Nuff said??

[toomuchkween]

Happy Ending?

I made dinner plans with a guy a kind of dated a few years back. He can be a jerk, but I felt that extra "something" about him. We had fun, we could spend a lot of time together and he was very easy, for me, to BE with. In the end it didn't work out but we stayed in touch and coincidently ended up working for the same company.

At some point we started talking about sex and an hour later we'd obtained some stuff and we were smoking away with him on his knees blowing me. It was fun.

I feel like a snake. He'd been clean for 3 weeks (he is not in NA, but was drying himself of his own choice). He is a little older and heavy and he was always very attracted to me. So for 12 hours I became the kind of person I hate the most. Someone that takes advantage of another persons feeling to get something I want. I paid for everything, and left his place around 3 the next day, but he was up all night and had to work.

Am I that kind of evil?

[toomuchkween]

I haven’t posted in a while. Would you believe me if I said I’d been arrested for a bunch of drug related shit, just got out on bail and just got access to my phone?

Or that I’d OD’d. That I was alone in my room getting high, and they next thing I know I’m in the hospital having suffered drug related injuries, and that no one came to visit me because of all the drugs found at my place.

Or that I’ve given up drugs all together, found my higher power and are a whole new person?

Or maybe a little of each?

Ot maybe none at all.

[toomuchkween]

I’m not sure why I keep making these posts. They are all the same: Fail, fail, fail!

I am literally circling the bowl.

It’s gets worse every couple of weeks.

More money goes, less sleep happens.

Pretty soon I’ll stop paying bills, start calling in sick to work, stop communicating with the few normal and healthy people I have left in my life.

And the last domino will fall and I will land on the streets, again.

[toomuchkween]

It was another cloudy weekend for me. I was awake from 11am on Saturday to about 1030pm Monday.

All told I spent downwards of 350 bucks.

I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks and I haven’t done laundry in 2 months.

I have 150 bucks in my checking account until I get paid Friday morning, and was able to pay 500 towards a CC bill.

Yay me?

My pipes are disgusting. I’m disgusting

[toomuchkween]

One good week.

I’ve managed to stay clean for 4 days. One more day and I’ll have had the first clean work week in quite a while.

Pray for me

[toomuchkween]

I gave in.

Monday night. I tried to stop myself but I failed.

I didn’t fail Sunday.

I want to say I’ll take the win, but I don’t feel like a winner.