Every day is becoming harder and harder. Feelings are remaining the same.There’s no change for the better but for worse. Wanting to go away permanently is becoming a more and more rigid thought. I can’t recall if it has reached this high before, I am not sure, maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t so I can’t say this is the worst it has been or not, I don’t know. My thoughts aren’t connected or coherent anymore. I can’t finish one thought all the way through it seems.
As days go on I feel more miserable, more worthless, more depressed, more anxious, more self hating.
I reach out again and again and again so it seems that I am looking to get hurt, knowing very well what the result could be but my stupid head seems to have this optimistic view right before I send that text, or that picture, or whatever connection I try to make. It’s probably smothering and I am making it worse.
There’s so much self-hatred. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m still feeling like a coward though which is what keeps me.
There used to be so much love, care, affection (physical, verbal, emotional), a desire, a want, a strong connection. Now it’s gone. It’s gone. I probably sound stupid right? Yeah. Things change, yes I am aware. But I can’t adjust, or just don’t adjust well to drastic changes, especially ones that involve so much emotion, time, commitment, and devotion. And just take that away so suddenly, I don’t know how to cope. Instead I self-destruct. Now it’s gone to more drastic levels.
I don’t want to hear that there’s people that care about me and love me. I’ve heard it all. I don’t want to hear it. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to feel this. Ever again. I am tired.
I want to go. I need to go.
