Thick red brows shot up at her admission. So, it was really that he hadn’t come straight to her to tell her what had happened and what he was going to do that had gotten her angry? But could she really blame him for not telling her considering the circumstances? “Ye were sick, Claire! I didna want ye getting all in a fash. I would ha told ye when I got home. I didna think ye’d follow me.” And saying it out loud made him realise just how idiotic he had been. Of course she would have followed him. She did the only thing she could have done. She would have felt she needed to save Black Jack for Frank’s sake, and to try and save Jamie too. At the time, though, Jamie hadn’t exactly been thinking clearly. He just knew what he had to do, and he knew that he had to leave Claire out of it, and not only because he had been afraid of her stopping him.
Wetting his dry lips, his eyes flicked away from hers, just for a moment, just long enough to swallow the lump in his throat. “Aye, maybe you’re right. I should have told ye. But, Claire, do ye really think it would have made any difference?” Jamie knew he wouldn’t have, couldn’t have stopped. Not even for her. It hadn’t been about his need for revenge, any more, but a need to stop the sadistic bastard from ever hurting people again.
The way she was looking at him now broke his heart into a million more pieces. It wasn’t the anger that got to him, but the betrayal morphing her features into someone he didn’t quite recognise. Just that look made him want to reassess his decision to not fall on his knees and beg her to forgive him. He needed her to forgive him. But, as much as he wanted to be selfish, he knew her forgiveness would only mean something if she gave it freely, which Jamie doubted very much she would ever do.
“I wasna exactly thinkin’ of Frank at the time.” If he had been, he wouldn’t have done what he did, for Frank had been the whole reason Jamie had agreed to leave Black Jack be. He was poised to remind her of all this, and defend himself more, but it all died on his tongue as the next thing passed her lips.
“Our daughter?” It was a choked whisper as he took another involuntary step towards her, hands clenching in the fabric of his coat. Oh God. “Ye mean she didna…” He had to pause to clear his throat, constricted as it was by emotion. “Ye mean, she lived?” Nothing else seemed to matter now.
she was beginning to fall apart at the seams. she wanted to hold strong, to punish him for his crimes against her, & little faith, but she wasn’t certain that she could hold out. she was strong, but she had spent the last few weeks, birthing their child under strenuous circumstances, fretting & making arrangements for him, as well as caring for a newborn. she should have received a M E D A L for her job. she had done it well, considering her child was alive & well & now he was safely back at her side, even if looking at him still caused her pain. she knew she wouldn’t have forgiven him if he had taken this little life away from her, how could she had ever gotten over it? that was another reason she was angry, he almost threw away their entire relationship, all of the love she held for him on a M I S S I O N to kill a man he had promised he wouldn’t. oh she knew poor fergus had been scarred & maimed by that evil man, as had so many other innocent boys, but she couldn’t see him D E A D.
her hands trembled as she wiped a few more of her tears. she didn’t know if she was ready to forgive him yet, even if he was looking over at her with those gorgeous blue hues, shock taking over his system as she announced their daughter’s life to him. she saw the way he clenched the fabric of his coat, his voice dry, & she almost felt S O R R Y for her husband. almost. she was still furious in a place somewhere in her consciousness, & that was what caused the next outburst she had at him. as he stepped forward so did she her hands reaching up to push at his front slightly, ❛no thanks whatsoever to her father, yes! she bloody well lives!❜ her sudden burst of anger was caused mostly by her lack of sleep, as well as her general residual A N G E R from all he had put her through. how dare he?
❛she came damn near close to dying in a premature birth that you set about with your damn pride! but yes no thanks to you at all she breathes air!❜ she gave him a few more firm shoves, followed by a slap, but he was like a mountain. she couldn’t have honestly F O U G H T him if she tried to. he could pick her up & throw her for sport & she would be powerless to do anything about it at all. she was in hysterics by this point in a full on breakdown out of nowhere. lack of sleep, coupled with worry had done a number on her body. ❛you almost killed her! you almost killed our little girl! so was it worth it?! was it fucking worth it?!❜ she gave another shove, & gave up, collapsing to her knees at his feet.