hello this is jeff

💯just bullshit 🐄💩

[totalgarb]

Manager: You need to overcommunicate.

Translation: I didn't care the first or second time you told me, but then somebody asked me about it, and I didn't know. Make sure it doesn't happen again.

[programmerhumour]

Job description translated

[programmerhumour]

We can all relate

[totalgarb]

Manager: "There's no politics here"

Translation: Although there are political struggles in every organization you've ever come into contact with, this one doesn't have any. All of our interests are in perfect alignment, and everyone agrees on everything. Furthermore, we wouldn't dream of hiring one of those awful, dirty, self-interested people you find literally everywhere, except here, of course.

[totalgarb]

(long, awkward silence)

PM: Did everyone find this meeting useful?

[totalgarb]

VP Eng.: We're reorganizing the department into product lines (1:00pm)

VP Eng.: Wow. We did it. (1:15pm)

[totalgarb]

How To Make Software

Use what you have to build something useful

Gather feedback and gradually improve upon it

How Not To Make Software

Spend a year documenting and designing

Document and design your process of documenting and designing

Spend another year trying to come up with pitches and press releases

Start over 23 times

Attempt to use new technology in every aspect of the application

Spend a year in development before showing anybody

Recruit a CFO

Plan a launch party

Launch only to weak response

Find rudimentary bugs

Scrap everything and get started on V2

[totalgarb]

prediction: peter thiel will run for president in 2024

[totalgarb]

big-shot ex-trader: you can be my new CTO

me: ok, let's talk about compensation

big-shot ex-trader: look, do you want to be CTO or not??

[totalgarb]

dev: incapable of discussing one topic to conclusion

me: would like to adjourn this meeting before the heat death of the universe

[totalgarb]

me: hey, i need this thing done

dev: no problem, i just need something from you

me: ok here you go

dev: thanks actually my environment is broken and i can't do it

[totalgarb]

Things to stop saying in 2016: that something is “solid”

...unless you're referring to a physical object.

Because no, your idea to make an app that lets people order drones to fly in through their bathroom window carrying toilet paper is not "pretty solid". None of your stupid fucking ideas are.

[totalgarb]

Things to stop saying in 2016: “On Point”

...unless you're part of a military assault or SWAT team, you sound like a fucking idiot.

The expression "on point", as in "I'm on point" or "You take point" refers to the forward position in a strike formation; the point of the spear. Think of a swat team entering a building. The person who leads the team inside is "on point".

What you should not think of is a buttoned-down bro in a conference room at his hot new monthly-shaving-cream startup that hs no A/C, or a PCMR basement-dweller reposting memes on imgur.

[totalgarb]

me: (on the phone) bye mom, love you.

girlfriend: what?! don't you love me too?

What #AllLivesMatter is to #BlackLivesMatter

[totalgarb]

bootstrapping (verb)

A bullshit startup way to describe using money that you have to make a product that you sell. syn: Business.

[totalgarb]

Senior Manager for Demand Generation

When you need a bullshit marketing way to say you want a bullshit marketing person.

[totalgarb]

guys i made a site that shows you nearby facebook events from your likes