I was too soft for this world
I wanted to write about TGI and how much I love it. I spoke about it in therapy last week (lol) and my therapist helped me realize that I connect to it even more than I already thought I did.
I've always connected to Halsey's music. I was on here in the 2010s during my high school years and I remember seeing Halsey everywhere and falling in love with their music. I fell off for a few years, but when I saw the Graveyard performance at the AMAs in 2019 I was reeled back in -- and I couldn't be more grateful that I saw that performance.
From there I was listening to Manic all the time. I fell in love with it and connected to that album more than I had any album I'd ever heard. 929 is still my favourite song of all time, I love it so much.
I saw Halsey for her IICHLIWP tour in 2022 in Toronto at Budweiser stage and from that day I've been obsessed. Trust me, ask my friends and they will tell you how annoying I am, and I don't care lol.
When I heard The End for the first time in June I cried. For background info, I have been chronically ill for 7 years now. At 21 I randomly began having hip pain and was diagnosed a year later with a form of arthritis in my spine called Ankylosing Spondylitis. I also have Fibromyalgia and a form of Colitis. I write about my experience with my chronic illnesses (currently for WebMD) and I'm a chronically ill/disabled content creator over on IG.
I'd known Halsey was chronically ill, but hearing their experience in just this one song really got me. Then I heard Lucky. The pop song we all needed for the summer of 2024. I was absolutely obsessed with Lucky. I couldn't stop listening; it helped get me through the summer, which was probably the worst summer of my entire life.
I had just gotten out of a relationship that made me very physically ill due to the stress of it (hi, Panic Attack). My friend had passed away due to liver failure, and I was alone for the entire summer. I knew this album was what I needed, and every single that came out helped me keep going. Knowing I'd have to get through the summer to hear TGI helped too.
Fast forward to the release of TGI. Oh my god, I was waiting for this and anticipating it so badly. I wanted to hear it since the second I listened to The End. I knew it would destroy me, but I was ready. As soon as it hit midnight I had my headphones on and I was listening. This album means so much to me, and I relate so much more than I could have ever guessed.
Not just the chronic illness side of things, but the themes of toxic relationships, the relationship with my father, mental health, family, and friends passing away far too early.
Panic Attack describes a lot of my life this past year. In August 2023 I suddenly began vomiting multiple times a day and no one could figure out why. My GI ran tests like a Gastric Emptying Study, an Endoscopy, and bloodwork. Nothing came back, and I was getting extremely frustrated with both him and my body. The vomiting went on for about 10 months. Multiple times a day, almost every single day. During this time I was in a relationship where my partner did not respect my limits in regards to my physical disability. They believed i could do more and told me that to my face. It wasn't until I was months out of that relationship that I realized that the vomiting was caused by the stress of the relationship. The further I get from the breakup, the less I have vomited. Panic Attack has opened my eyes a lot to what stress can do to the body, and how much a relationship can affect you not only mentally, but physically, too.
"My spirit has been broken
My optimisms getting sore
And I would love to love you
But my body's keeping score"
The End I already spoke about, but the theme of getting sick and dealing with doctors who won't listen, the confusion of becoming ill every so often with new diagnoses ties into my life quite perfectly. I know I haven't dealt with anything as serious as h has, but I can still relate to this theme heavily.
"If you knew it was the end of the world, could you love me like a child?
Could you hold me in the dark?
If you knew it was the end of the world, would you like to stay a while?
Would you leave when it gets hard?"
Hometown reminds me a lot of my friend Karn, who passed away back in 2021. We went to high school together and were best friends afterward. We would bike together a lot, and then when I got sick, he was the reason I got my first cane. He was my most supportive friend in terms of my illnesses and my limits. I think about him nearly every single day and I miss him to death. The line "he's evergreen at 17 for the last 11 years" hit me like a truck. I'd never really thought about it, but Karn is evergreen at 24. Somewhere in the clouds he's riding his bike and laughing, just like he used to. He will always look the same. ♥ I'm so sorry that h and others can relate. The heartache of losing someone far too young has been so hard on me with multiple of my friends, so I hurt for everyone who can relate.
"Like the others from my high school, all those sad suburban ghosts
Trapped in a cross next to a highway, while the rest of us get old"
Hurt Feelings oh boy. I've had a rocky relationship with my father since I was a child. The yelling, the getting mad at me for everything, making me scared of doing anything even slightly wrong. Things have lightened up since he's gotten older, but those memories are always in my brain. I'll never forget the feeling of fear when he would yell. "I'll be changing like the weather but I'll never be like him" Mark my words I will not be that kind of parent. Ever.
"You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here
It's strange now that he's grey, getting older by the day
And my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say"
On the topic of parenting, this is one thing that speaking to my therapist made me realize. Something not many people know about me is that I've always wanted to be a parent. My whole life I've just wanted to be a mother. So badly. As the years have gone by and the more sick I've gotten, I've started to realize that this may not happen for me. The amount of energy I will need and the amount of energy I have daily do not match. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it, but it's something I feel that I need to learn to be okay with. Whether it happens or not, I have to accept it.
So in the conversation with my therapist, I had mentioned that this album featured Halsey's son and there's a lot about him in the songs. She stopped me and said "Oh, she has a son?" and I responded with Yes. "Do you think you relate to this also because that’s something you've always wanted, and how do you feel that she has a child with all of their health stuff going on?". And I was stopped in my tracks. I hadn't thought about it. Obviously, I'm so happy that h has Ender and Avan.
Thinking about it now, I do have to say that I'm envious of them because of how happy they are and that they have this lovely little family building. Something I've always wanted, and something I hope so badly to have someday, despite all of my health issues. I've had many thoughts in my head since becoming sick that I'll never be loved and I'll never be fully understood because of my chronic health issues. My most recent relationship confirmed those fears, though my brain fights those fears because I see others with happy and healthy relationships despite health challenges.
I proceeded to tell my therapist about the photos from Halsey's 30th birthday party, and how happy she looked in them. Something about those photos makes me so happy. The look in h's eyes. I told my therapist that I hope to achieve that feeling someday.
Being a writer and content creator who speaks on my experience on a regular basis, I respect the hell out of you, Halsey. Talking about all of this and making an album surrounding it is so vulnerable, real, and raw. I know firsthand that it is not easy, and it opens up a lot of negativity from people who simply don't understand your experience.
I want to say thank you for TGI. Thank you for all of your music. You've helped me (and so many others) so much and I am forever grateful for you and your words. Your voice is changing lives.
I hope any of this makes sense. This is the first time I've written for fun in literal years, so I may be rusty.
Love Steff aka totallyfunkless
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