Totes Inappropes

That's totally inappropriate!

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OMG @ 1st "O" w/ GoT PiV!!

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Ever come so hard you cried?

Acquaintance 

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The uglier the guy

the more grateful you are to have your period

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B: I like having sex when the girl is laying on her stomach

M: How did you figure that one out?

B: I told the girl to turn over, and she just flipped on her stomach. Looking back, she wasn't very smart.

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While I'm always thrilled to be sure I'm not pregnant, I'm not really cool with my period starting early when I'm on the damn pill.

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Things That Freak Me Out, or, why I'm a heathen

pregnancy

monogamy

Evangelical Christianity

marriage

traditional gender roles

parenthood

“good clean fun”

censorship

biblical literalism

dads

“true love”

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C: [Wanting to buy a beer, but lacking funds] Do you have a dime?

D: What's it for? I've known so many crackheads. ...I have no more cents.

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Just want to note that this blog predates the show Girls

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March Happenings

I finally made out to Biggie Smalls like I thought I always wanted. Turns out, my mind treats rapping along to "Big Poppa" as more important than keeping the mood sexy.

I also made out in a car in an abandoned parking lot for an hour LIKE A TEENAGER.

Here’s hoping the rest of the month brings other first time experiences.

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sometimes I really miss 2009

if only for the quality of the texts I received

Just ran through a wall of rain. I'm now wearing my strapless bra & my ssweater, open. Wish you were here.

Is it real? Or are you just messing with me? I accept the real, but I want you to be honest.

I think [redacted] is coming. Stay classy

I'm having activity time at my place. You should come over.

What a shame. Guess battleship will have to wait.

It's cool. This week I should be getting the electronic version anyway.

I'm looking to opt out of a treaty and need advice. You up to anything tonight?

Don't remember, follow the sound of country music and the smell of stale beer and cigarettes

He's making out with a fat girl. He wins.

Everyone agreed I looked hot but he made out w/ a fat girl in front of me, wtf? why? fuck. fuck. fuck.

I touch myself! I want you to love me! nothing sounds sweeter than children masturbation

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It's probably just as well that I'm single (and unromantic at the best of times) on Valentine's Day since I'm on my period. No one likes red wings.

Period blood red is probably the most festive I'm going to get.

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Ugh, we're all non-televised adults, so can you just say "orgasm" instead of "the big O"? 

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A drop of alcohol and I just want to fuck everyone, real or fiction, basically.

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Speaking with ESL Teachers

L: Would you like something to drink?

Me: A's getting it for me.

L: Well let's go up to the bar.

Me: That's okay, she's going to bring it to me.

L: How do you know?

Me: I can read people pretty well, and I can tell that she's going to bring it to me personally.

L: You're such a gringo. You just want everyone here to go down on you.

Me: I'm pretty sure you mean "Bow down to you" because that means something totally different in English.

L: Holy shit, you're right. Please don't do that here.

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Sex Shop Sexcetera 

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Here's a point that the abstinence-only educators always forget to bring up, but I think it would serve them well to remember:

You  might get really drunk one night and sleep with a stranger. 

He may friend you on Facebook later.

He may booty call you through Facebook

You may be really bored at the time and go through with it

You may think it's funny because he's a punchline to you and all of your friends

He WILL pop up in your Facebook feed a few months later after gaining weight and YOU will be wrecked with disgust, like "Did he look like that a few months ago? How drunk was I?"