♡ DON'T YOU EVER SAY I JUST WALKED AWAY;
i swear i wasn't gonna go through with this -- i was gonna give you what you wanted and leave you the fuck alone for the rest of eternity, but it seems like i couldn't do that just yet. i'll tell you once and i'll leave you alone, okay? just. everything. i'm so sorry? there isn't even an excuse for saying the shit i did, and i know the last thing you want to do is read this and this was actually originally the blog i was gonna make you for your birthday full of things i knew you liked. anyway, i wasn't going to but it got to the point today where i couldn't even eat because i had made the lemonade for the family and i got choked up because i wanted to someday be able to make a lemonade for you. this isn't, like, meant to make you feel guilty or any of that, by the way, it really isn't. if anything, i've learnt in these past few weeks that you can't force your heart to feel something it no longer does or doesn't at all in the first place, and making up shit about it even to spare someone's feelings will come and bite you in the ass at the end. which is why i'm going all out with honesty here, and i hope if you ever wish to send me anything again you'll express the same courtesy. i guess i just remember that once you told me if i ever sent you anything like stormie did, it'd mean a lot to you, because i was completely serious to you. of course, it was before all this bullshit happened, but... i don't know. i guess i know i fucking messed up, for wanting to make a perfectly nice girl with good intentions who'd wrote me a fucking song and sent me constant messages about how much she liked me feel like she was actually wanted, as well, because where was the harm in it if i already told her i was done with online dating after you, if not dating girls period? because truth be told, like, i've been in this school for three weeks and as much as i can appreciate the likes of very many people (namely the back of a girl's head who's about your height and has the same shade of your hair), i can't bring myself to "crush" on someone anymore. tbh sometimes i ask myself like what was so great about scar anyway? and i come up with so much fucking shit about why and i just. you say you're just a phase and if that's so, how come i wasn't ever this broken up about any one of my real life crushes or people who even did in fact like me back yet it didn't end particularly well? i wasn't torn up with anyone but you, scar. i guess i can't force you to have feelings you don't have, since we broke up before the danielle thing even happened but i guess that just sort of solidified it? and i can't stand it like. you believe everything bad that people come to say about me and i can't even ask you whether you really believe me to be that horrible of a person because i'm scared that you do since i think you have every right to. as for the pictures thing and all that bs about me liking you for your looks? uhm, i liked you before i even saw proper pictures of yours, and if i found you hot, that's an entirely different subject. do you think i'd treat someone the way i treated you and wish to continue treating you if given the chance merely because i find them hot? i guess the real question is whether you think me to be that kind of person or not. you have every right to at this point, but i just hope you don't forget who i actually am. i didn't realize how closed off i was, honestly, to everyone in my life until i told you all there was to me, and when you told me you were a little disappointed in me? i felt disappointed in myself. so fucking much because i'd disappointed you and all i ever wanted was to make you proud and i just. you make me a better person, i suppose, and i do namely get quite jealous, be it because of kaitlyn (such as the london thing, i don't know, it was silly, i shouldn't have expected anything less so sorry about that i'm just a jealous bitch) or even anyone else who dares to flirt with you because nope you're mine and i guess it's really up to you whether you wanna be or not because of course it's your choice and i just. i don't talk shit about you to my friends. i don't do that at all. i nearly teared up today in accounting because i'd found some stuff (which im gonna put down below) that id fangirled to marie about since i refused to save any more screen shots and i found them and i can't believe i fucking lost this and i'm so so sorry and i don't even know what else to tell you right now just that i'm so so so fucking sorry. i don't fucking know why i did what i did but if you were to give me another chance, i'd treat you proper. far more than i did the first time around. i just i you said you wanted to make me feel like shit that one time, right? i've been feeling like shit the past three weeks, so, you accomplished that, and that's not even me being bitter but that's me telling you that you're not the only one hurting. i literally won't even joke in a flirting manner with anyone else if given the chance because would i be okay with scar doing this? anyway, another big thing. i loved calling you my girlfriend, and when presenting my little person poster to the class as well as today when shakayla asked why i was smiling so big but looked like i was about to have a seizure i just wanted to say because of my girlfriend and i wanted to present you as such to the class (which im sure most people figured out there was more to it when the teacher gave me this soft look and considering she's the tough gym teacher as well it makes me realize she read my journal that had my three goals in it the first of which was 1. make it up to the light of my life and get her back) and even if i didn't get to do so i presented you as the most important person in my life who's made the biggest impact and stumbled over my words because i just wanted to say my fucking girlfriend but nope because it'd be a lie wouldn't it? but anyway like the reason why is because like i said, you're my biggest achievement to this day and my sister may or may not be getting a puppy and i made it so that somehow she wants to name her sky why bc it reminds her of the dog from paw patrol and als obc it sounds like scar that shwy and i dont know im jsut wow i';m so sorry it sounds like i'm rubbing all this shit in your face when i'm really not it's just like the ideas that i haven't been able to get you out of my mind at all? my last two journals somehow relate back to you and a few days ago in principles of human services the warm up questio nwas what was a good and bad decision that u made and shit and when asked for volunteers i was the only one who raised her hand and bad decision? "telling someone i liked them when i really didn't because it hurt someone i liked very, very, very, very, very much" literally that many verys bc i broke my voice on the last and idk i don't want you to think im perpetually sad because im really not but it's more or less my way of telling you that even when you're not fully on my life, you still are. i just. i wanna show you some stuff now, okay?
sighs why cant this happen again.
i wish we had a fucking anniversary to do shit for you for it every single month ever but i fucking can't even if we're broken up because it just came so naturally between us like i legitimately imagined someday (i still kiss my pillow pretending its you in reminder of that one time that you did as well) we would just be laughing and out of nowhere choose when our anniversary was and celebrate it that way because neither one of us really knew and well you know.
truth be told i could have rob fucking pattinson falling at my feet and i would no longer care 'cause he's not you?
yeah that's all i managed to save apart from the numerous pictures of you i have saved tbh i. i ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me? i remember stormie once told you (you told me she'd told you) that you were the best thing that had happened to her that year and i refused to let you be the best thing that happened to me in 2013 but im p sure youre actually the best thing that has happened to me period. i wasn't kidding when i said you're the type of person you just need in your life. one you can't let go of no matter what and that's why i'm holding on so much. i will never give up on you, i might have to be super patient and such, but, like... i don't even care at this point? as long as this story ends with us kissing atop the thames river and holding hands, i don't give a shit of what happens in-between it, because i'm not getting over you anytime soon and you probably want nothing to do with a stupid fourteen-year-old who's in way above her head and who's actually so fucking stupid for convincing her parents to make a trip to london next year when it's a 0.0 chance you'll even want to meet me at this fucking point but you know what? i'm still gonna go and probably not pay any attention to the attractions in the slightest and just pretend to see you in every single street ever. that one time you told me you loved me in spanish? i was all "omg" to you but really i was aboiut to cry because te quiero which yous aid adorably but fialed miserably is what i tell my parentsb ut te amo is something i've never been fucking todl before scar ever like it's romantic love it's genuinely what just it's not the same thing for love in enlgish it's just so fucking much more special and just i wanna say it back to you and i just because that's exactly how i feel and i'm finally tearing up at this jesus. i had yoiu all to myself the best person i've met in my entire fucking life and i fucked it all up and i'm so fucking sorry that i hurt you so much and it's nobody's fault but mine and you have no idea how much i actually regret saying any of that bullshit because even if anyone wants to give me any form of affection at this point it'll be a no because although you might not wanna take me, my heart is already all yours. i am already all yours, come to think about it, and i don't think much can change that. my thoiughts when i walk the hallway with lizzie aka the internet friend i met and now hang out w on a regular basis? i wonder how it'd be if this was scar i'd met instead. and then i get sad. because i don't even know how it'd be at this point but all i fucking want is to get back together with you and be able to call you my girlfriend again because i love you this much and sighs i just i'll type out the first ten reasons why i love you and you can tell me if you wanna hear the rest bc i wanna send this to you rn, okay?
i love you because you saw something in me.
i love you because you gave me a chance.
i love you because you make me better myself.
i love you because you're the first thought in my mind when i wake up.
i love you because you motivate me from my every day to every day basis.
i love you because i have never felt so " myself " with anyone else.
i love you because you care about people in such a manner that it becomes rare to see that in a person.
i love you because you're the best human being i've ever met.
i love you because i don't know if i wanna be you or /in/ you.
i love you because you're shorter than me and the cutest fucking thing.
i love you because just a message from you can still send butterflies to my tummy.
i love you because your words make me wanna become a better cook to cook for you. and maybe our little pets, if not children someday since you don't want any.
i think that might've been al ittle more than ten if so im sorry i just ya ill type out the rest if youre interested in seeing them ever. just say the words literally.
um, i was gonna put an instagram video i already made here, but, like. i don't think i will since it had a question i think i already know the answer to. i don't wanna put you on the spot, i'll just. like, if you wanna see it, let me know, and i'll link you, but otherwise, i won't put you on the spot like that and will take no offense from any decisions you decide to take. oh, and here's something else...
[x].
please listen to it, even if the last thing you wanna do is listen to /me/ of all people. i am so in fucking love with you, scarlett salvetore, and don't you even dare try to argue me on this. i couldn't hold myself back any more, i'm sorry. but at least it's all out now, isn't it? congratulations if you read all of this, i just... i can stay in your past, if you'd like. but i'd very much like to have myself be some part of your future -- perhaps an even better role than i played in the past. i don't wanna be "that one girl i had a thing with". i wanna be "that one girl i have a thing with". so, if you were to wish to ever give me a second chance, just... or if curiosity gets the better of you, ask me for the link to the instavideo. i wanna make it all as real as possible and cook twice what i eat and send you a snapchat video to show you i wish you were here. i wanna take my phone (getting the iphone 5s w/ international for my bday, so) with me to a movie and giggle with you over it as we watch the same movie in completely different theatres and jut do everythign with you but 10000x better than it was the first time around. just. let me know. if you want it, as well. i'm sorry if this is too soon. i just had to let you know. so, i said it once and i'll leave you alone but i gotta let you know, mhm?
p.s. i got perrie hair and demi eyebrows done on purpose with pictures to the stylists and everything bc i know they're your favorite combination bye. (~:
I WILL ALWAYS WANT YOU. ❤
