* JOHN MULANEY ; KID GORGEOUS AT RADIO CITY .
❛ this is so much nicer than what i’m about to do. ❜ ❛ it’s really… it’s really tragic. ❜ ❛ what a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted establishment. ❜ ❛ i keep walking through cold spots. ❜ ❛ i wonder who that used to be! ❜ ❛ that’s where we are conversation-wise in our relationship. ❜ ❛ well, here goes nothing - you ever seen a ghost? ❜ ❛ you ever seen a ghost? ❜ ❛ — which is the BEST answer. ❜ ❛ say more right now! ❜ ❛ LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT! ❜ ❛ this is a weird topic. ❜ ❛ none of us truly know our fathers. ❜ ❛ that’s just the setup to my story, so forget about that poor son of a bitch. ❜ ❛ and where were you? ❜ ❛ so you saw what happened and you did nothing? ❜ ❛ let me ask you this - in nazi germany… ❜ ❛ just explain to me this - how are you BETTER than a nazi? ❜ ❛ when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work. ❜ ❛ we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that. ❜ ❛ what would leonard bernstein do? ❜ ❛ tell him we’re here! ❜ ❛ this is the closest we get in adult life to assemble. ❜ ❛ you bought tickets, you knew this was coming. ❜ ❛ i guess they’re finally gonna kill us all. ❜ ❛ we are pretty big assholes. ❜ ❛ i used to smoke crack. ❜ ❛ freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. ❜ ❛ sit up straight! show some respect! ❜ ❛ i want to talk about what happened yesterday. ❜ ❛ oh, you mean like - having friends? ❜ ❛ — and they may just have to kill you over it! ❜ ❛ none of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. ❜ ❛ that was the general tone. ❜ ❛ you remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade? ❜ ❛ this was at NINE in the MORNING. ❜ ❛ now i’ve thrown him off his rhythm! ❜ ❛ a phone book doesn’t leave bruises! ❜ ❛ i’m still terrified of secondary locations. ❜ ❛ if i’m at a place, i never wanna go to another place. ❜ ❛ i thought i’d be dead in a truck with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now. ❜ ❛ GIVE US SOME MONEY. ❜ ❛ WE WANT A GIFT. BUT ONLY IF IT’S MONEY. ❜ ❛ what kind of a cokehead relative? you SPENT IT already? ❜ ❛ i gave you more money than the civil war cost and you fucking spent it already? ❜ ❛ if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker, and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. she’s not going to do anything else for you. ❜ ❛ hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money! ❜ ❛ because you should be concerned! ❜ ❛ hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? ‘cause it sounds like he sucks, and i’ll totally kill that guy for you. ❜ ❛ i’m in a new phase right before ‘old’ called gross. ❜ ❛ but only you know where the bathroom is. ❜ ❛ i smell a robot. prove - prove, prove. prove to me you’re not a rOBOT. ❜ ❛ look at these curvy letters! much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? ❜ ❛ is it an E, or is it a 3? that’s up to ye! ❜ ❛ but now it’s time for the robot test! ❜ ❛ fuckiNG WH A T? ❜ ❛ think about that for 2 minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. ❜ ❛ thank you for clapping for my political gazebo material. i’m very brave. ❜ ❛ everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. ❜ ❛ things are getting pretty sticky. ❜ ❛ it’s like there’s a horse… loose in a hospital. ❜ ❛ i think everything’s eventually going to be okay, but i have no idea what’s going to happen next. ❜ ❛ get out of here with that SHIT. ❜ ❛ WE’RE WELL PAST THAT. ❜ ❛ i dare you to do it. i want you to do it. ❜ ❛ i don’t remember that in hamilton. ❜ ❛ it’s tomorrow now. ❜ ❛ just because you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. ❜ ❛ you might think that’s an ignorant answer, but it’s not. it’s a great answer. ❜ ❛ i don’t care for these new nazis, and you may quote me on that. ❜ ❛ i know all that, how do YOU know all that? ❜ ❛ i’m allowed to make fun of ___. i asked them, and they said yes. ❜ ❛ the bread of bread is bread. bread is god is bread. ❜ ❛ it’s just… dads, singing SO loud. ❜ ❛ GOD CAN’T HEAR YOU. ❜
