So Christ died only once to take away the sins of many people. But when he comes again, it will not be to take away sin. He will come to save everyone who is waiting for him.
Help each other with your troubles. When you do this, you are obeying the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to do this, you are only fooling yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of.
—Galatians 6:2-4
“Overcoming addiction is a painful process: the more addicted you are, the harsher the withdrawal.
This is why constant prayer and study of the Word is important. With every action you take toward God, you let go of your hold over yourself and your life. Then you let go of those things that are harmless in themselves but almost always leads you back into sin. Call it the threshold to sin if you will. Just beyond it is the wasteland, and temptation is the border.
And when you find yourself lingering on that threshold, call up your accountability partner, talk to God. Learn to turn away.”
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
—Colossians 3:5
I have had an awful time lately. My life is a mess. It's like I can't do anything right at all! I am constantly evading facing the music, constantly evading what I know could be a blowout. The worst part is—I know what I could do to make things right, but I don't. I'm constantly running away instead, afraid of something. I'm not sure what, but perhaps it's failure, perhaps it's rejection, perhaps it's disappointment. All are things I can barely handle individually, but together they just might crush me. I haven't been reading the Bible or praying...much. I haven't been seeking God, only seeking escape. And look where that's brought me—backed up in a corner with little chance of escaping unscathed. There will be a blowout one way or another. I will face the music whether I like it or not. And I don't like it. I don't want it to happen. I am hoping to get away before it all comes crashing down, but I can't. I'm stuck here, with no chance of ever getting out. I love God, but I don't live like it. I make promises and commitments I either cannot or refuse to keep. I need help. I need God.
You are the one true God
The King who reigns on high
No one will deny
You are the one true God
Time will only prove
That You and only You
Are the one true God
It is written:
‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’
—Romans 14:11
Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in Your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear.
—Job 11:13-15
“From the Inside Out” by Hillsong
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Dios eterno, Tu luz por siempre brillara
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
y Tu gloria, incomparable sin final
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
El clamor de mi ser es contigo estar
From the inside out
desde mi interior
There is something beautiful about people worshiping in many languages.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6
“Overcoming addiction is a painful process: the more addicted you are, the harsher the withdrawal.
This is why constant prayer and study of the Word is important. With every action you take toward God, you let go of your hold over yourself and your life. Then you let go of those things that are harmless in themselves but almost always leads you back into sin. Call it the threshold to sin if you will. Just beyond it is the wasteland, and temptation is the border.
And when you find yourself lingering on that threshold, call up your accountability partner, talk to God. Learn to turn away.”
Or, What Happens When You’re Very Curious But Also Hesitant to Ask or Look It Up Properly
I have always been an avid reader. I read whenever I could, whatever I could, even if it had nothing to do with me, especially when I had to do something else!
I once read a book on step-children that I found lying around. Later when a divorced(-and-remarried) friend of mine spoke to me about feeling his children were not equally loved, he was curious to learn why I knew about the topic. I was a teenager then … No, I don’t know why an adult brought that up with a teenager.
So great is my lack of impulse control. (And not just in reading!)
I was also curious about a lot of things. (I once wished I was the wisest and most knowledgeable person on earth—after Jesus and Solomon, of course.) Anyway, I was so very curious, and so eager to know more but was often rather lazy. And some things I just felt were improper for me to even consider, so I had a lot of repressed thoughts.
But repression only went so far. So as time passed so grew the cracks on repression wall. And all those thoughts I’ve held back trickled out, especially those about sex and pornography. Now, on some level, I knew what they were about, and I knew that sex is for marriage, while pornography is for never. But I wanted to know more.
So I justified my inappropriate searches.
And I went on mature sites.
There I read countless erotica.
I said to myself, “‘Mature’ can’t be that bad.” Oh, it was. Only it shouldn’t have been. ‘MA’ (Mature Adult) was bad. ‘NC-17’ (No Children, 17 and Under Admitted) was bad. ‘E’ (Explicit) was bad. But a simple ‘M’ wasn’t supposed to be. ‘M’ should be appropriate for 16-year-olds. But people didn’t follow rules, so they weren’t.
I had had health class by then. I had also been given the sex talk. Still I took in all the gruesome details that smut fiction had for me, and I learned what people fantasized about and how some people did sex. That wasn’t—isn’t—good education, not for me or for anyone else. But I was curious, and I convinced myself it wasn’t wrong.
I even convinced myself I wasn’t in the wrong because I didn’t know what pornography was—because I didn’t know its dictionary definition. And while a simple gander at dictionary.com would have easily solved that, I chose to stick to that misguided thought.
Eventually, I could no longer fool myself. I knew and accepted I was wrong. I acknowledged that I had become addicted. I sought the pleasure. It wasn’t merely physical. It was emotional. I read the explicit sex as part of stories, and I longed for something like what the characters had, even though I knew that what they had wasn’t enough.
Funny thing, you know. The characters would have meaningful conversations before getting together. But afterwards? It was all kissing and cuddling and sex. I eventually gravitated toward those with more plot, but at the end of the day, I’d be drawn back to the sex.
It was a very difficult time for me, and it remains a very difficult issue to me—and one I have trouble admitting though I have told trusted friends and relatives.
It was very difficult to return to God. It took several months for me to be on my knees and actively do something about it. Then even after that, I struggled. It calls out to me. My body is slave to it.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. [Γ]
But God was gracious. Though I left Him, He never left me. He set me up on a Divine Appointment with first one group of Christians and then another. And I met with them and eventually became active at a youth group. The struggle did not leave, but I could face it.
These days, I have taken up smut again and nearly every day in the past two—three?—months I told myself I’d stop for good, that it would be the last time. Whenever I went to church, I prayed it would be the last. During communion, I’d say I’d be good. But I always slipped up right the next day.
It has been a very trying and very dark few months for me. Honestly, his whole year I have been drowning in this, and I’ve resisted correction. However, today, as I write this, I’m saying once again, “Never more!”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who love us. [Δ]
My next step? Living for Christ moment by moment. That isn’t as easy as it sounds. I have many faults that need correcting. But if I let go and let Him heal me, I’ll get better.
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theartofmadeline
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