I'm really tired, my time is short, and yet I feel the need to sit down and write this. I feel like I need more reflection in my life. Life is really short. Especially when you become a real person and join the working world, your life will fall into nine to five monotony. While I think routine is good allows for discipline and productivity, it also makes all your days blur together and then weeks, months, and years can easily slip by. I don't want my years to slip by without realizing what I'm in-taking every day. I want to think about my inputs and outputs, know what I'm learning, and I hope that I'll be growing. I just want to be awake, to be conscious. Maybe I'll attempt a little critical analysis on my day, examine how things are racialized, gendered, and generalized and mischaracterized. Perhaps I'll learn not to takes everything as it comes. I am pretty gullible. Perhaps it will develop my writing ability - I'd like to be able to write well. Perhaps it will teach me how to be honest, to have a real, authentic voice that doesn't try to imitate everything else it sees. Reflection is so imperative. I suppose because I just so desperately value a sense of meaning in life, I want to know that through the good and bad experiences, I'm continuing to learn and grow, that there is a purpose and an endpoint I'm working toward. I want my life to have meaning, don't we all? At least for me, I'm way too existential not to care that my life is serving a fundamental purpose. I really DO NOT ascribe to the trendy folk-cultural and pseudo Biblical belief that 'everything in life happens for a reason', but I also do not believe in such a thing as bad experiences. Every experience is redeemable, whether good or bad, you can learn from it and grow, if you so choose. I think there will be a lot of conscious positive thinking going on from here, but an equally ready acknowledgement of my negative feelings and why.
I won't post everyday online. Only when its good writing. And today was the first day so I'll post it.
So today. I am tired of being late and/or just on time for things. Luckily today started with being just on time.
Good things? I'm really getting excited about my internship with the Peace Corps. I've been learning some advanced excel formulas and now I'm learning about data interpretation and analysis. It's only day one of the analysis part, but I feel like I'm really going to walk away with a great new skill in the Monitoring and Evaluation field. I spoke with co-workers slightly more confidently than before and asked about their careers. They all work my field of interest, international development, so I'm trying to think about how to be strategic in my current opportunity. I left work feeling accomplished today. I'm so lucky, people blessed me with all the free food! Donuts and coconut cookies and of course, some strongly made coffee, Ethiopian brew or whatever the flavor/country of the day is. I love sugar, I really really do. I'm groovin' on this new artist, Rose Cousins. She's the sound of reflection time, of innocence, of beautifully done emotional montages, or meditation like in my middle school days when Corrinne Bailey Rae saved me from the stress of those heinously awkward years. Yeah, I would compare her to Corinne in the kinds of feelings she evokes for me, but stylistically they are very different. Ingrid Michaelson is definitely in that club, and Colbie Caillat may just fall in there as well (although she's new for me). Also, I've been groovin' hard on Shane and Shane for worship music. Their stuff is BEAUTIFUL, and there are no other words. I also met with one of my best friends from college. I missed her, it's been a long time. She's the same but some things have changed. We both knew it but those things were left unsaid. We both knew it, because it hung in the air of our conversation, the elephant we successfully ignored and yet acknowledged. I know she loved Him once and she will again.
Anything bad? I'm just not getting enough sleep, that has to change. I'm stressed due to the amount of everything I'm doing in life. My lack of sleep is inducing further emotional stress. My emotional stress is inducing a serious amount of overeating. That's how I've been dealing with my emotions lately, and by lately I mean like the last two weeks or more. It's been pretty bad. Food is no substitute for whatever it is I've been trying to fill. I think it's my need for Jesus. I bet if I ate of the bread of life every day and fed my starving soul, I would straight up stop overeating. Really I just need my Jesus, and our relationship has also been thrown to the wayside with all my crazy business. Well, at least I understand why this is happening now.
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