* 𝘩𝘦’𝘴‎‎ ‎ 𝘢 ／ 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐏 !

[heateron]

fargo (1996) dir. ethan coen, joel coen

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

as soon as the words passed her lips, she wanted to suck them back in like a thick milkshake. her anger and bits of vitriol, repressed memories, and stifled feelings whirled together in her brain blender to make something so viscous it was impossible to take back up a straw. regret swirled in her stomach as she digested exactly what she’d said to her best friend, the man she could possibly…

“tramp, i–” she thought about reaching out to him but kept her perfectly manicured hands tucked in the folds of her arms tight across her chest like armor. her brain felt like it was on fire, rattling around in a head too big for something that could generate something so stupidly incorrect. it was like a vicious little dog infected with rabies had taken over her body for fifteen seconds too long, foaming at the mouth and chomping to get a hold of a delicate hand. 

lady shrunk into herself, ashamed. “proved them right about us being a bad match. about us never working as friends. i know why you left. i know why you said you left. but to be here with me and peg be the person on your mind to the point where you can’t wait to run and tell her you’re back and have some big…reunion fuck…don’t you see how that would hurt me? after so many years of not knowing what–or who, i guess–you were doing? fucking forgive me if my bratty little feelings were hurt.” 

stomping to a stop by his familiar car, she blew a piece of stray hair away from her face and tried to swallow her anger before she threw it up all over herself for the second time in the same hour. “i’m not…i’m not an entitled brat. i’m your best fucking friend and wanted to feel like it again, for the first time in years. i didn’t want to think about peg, or dodge, or…or….any of your other friends who are clearly better suited to you and your cool lifestyle, which apparently everyone else came to terms with a long time ago except for the two of us. i just wanted it to be like it used to be, but clearly i was stupid to think that. and i’m sorry for taking out my frustration on you, and i’ll send a…cosmic fucking sorry to peg, wherever the fuck she is. i’m just…i’m sorry, okay?” 

her misguided hope and anger faded to a dull throb sitting in the middle of her chest. she didn’t want to be like this. she didn’t want to be ruled strictly by emotion, never thinking before she spoke. but how could she change that? it’s who she was, who she’d always been, and who she’d always be. was there even a way to change that golden thread that tied your entire person together? to take a sharp pair of scissors and snip it, making room for something else? 

sorries weren’t particularly lady’s thing, but clearly there was a first time for everything. 

tramp scoffs as he notes the sound of footsteps which struggle to keep up behind him. if lady didn’t want him to storm off, why explode into a fit of rage and seemingly jealousy out of nowhere? he knows that the lady part of his life and the peg part of his life have never really intertwined much— that they’re just not each other’s cup of tea— but his closeness to both women was a constant ( admittedly, with lady, had fallen by the wayside – but everlasting it was nonetheless ) and they each seemed to understand that until this very moment. he was getting too old for this kind of thing, already mid-to-late twenties and a different person to the one he was during the last time lady had one of these outbursts, about whatever else it was that seemingly made him so terrible.

reaching the car and unlocking it, he doesn’t turn to face her as she carries on, her words plunging against his back— some of them needle-pricks, others knives. ‘ a bad match ’. they used to laugh at the people who said that about them. their differences used to be what made their friendship so interesting, so evolving. the thought of it makes it seem as though what she’s saying now is all just a last ditch effort to get him to look like the bad guy in all of this, after she clearly realised she’d overreacted. but the more she says, the more he softens, leading him to stop and listen, fingers gripping the car door handle.

he sighs, realising that just as always, no matter how badly she’s gone about it, her anger isn’t coming from a place of spite or pettiness. it exists because she cares.

mike turns and, with a gentle brush of his hand, tucks the piece of stray hair she’d unsuccessfully tried to move behind her ear. it still feels surreal to reach out and touch her. the fact that she’s actually here.

“ lady— when i came downstairs and saw you standing there, it felt like... like a piece of me that i’d lost had come back. remember how we were before you left? nobody knew where one of us ended and the other one began— we were like, stuck to each other’s sides. how could you ever think anyone fitted into my life more than you do— or did, before you left? ” he frowns.

he might’ve left her to chase sunsets and adventures and new faces and new notches in his bedposts. but she left him for college, for a degree, for upper-crust friends from well-off families. for ... everything better than the friendship she had with him. a little hypocritical of her to be talking about no longer fitting into his life.

“ you don’t have to be sorry.  just... come on, ” he says, nodding toward the passenger door as if to tell her to open it. “ i guess i can start my shift a little late ... the old man will understand. ”

if they were going to talk, they’d do it on a drive around carthay. hopefully the wind in their hair and the california sun beaming down on their faces would replace the tension between them with a lighter energy.

when he notices her still hesitant, feet still planted firmly on the sidewalk instead of climbing into the car, he gives her a look he hopes says ‘ trust me on this one. ’ 

“ well ... ?  you got somethin’ better to do, or what ... ? ”

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

remember peg? you remember peg, right? peg, peg, peg, peg, peg…boy, did she remember peg.

lady couldn’t wipe the annoyed look off her face at the mention of her name. of course she would have to be brought up–she’d always been a fixture in tramp’s life just as much as lady had. in fact, she made more sense than lady did.

the first time she’d met peg, she knew she was in for a wild ride. not because she felt they’d be friends or bring out the best in each other, but because even seeing peg made lady feel threatened. she had always been cooler and full of danger–things lady knew were synonymous with her best friend’s personality more than her own.

lady had always felt threatened by peg. everyone in town had always said peg and tramp belonged together–they were basically mirror images of each other. if peg were sandy at the end of grease, lady was easily sandy at the beginning. except she couldn’t find a way to become what tramp wanted. peg just…was what he wanted.

“um, yeah. i remember peg. how’s ol’ peggy? how’s miss peg? how’s she doing? is she so great? i hope she’s just doing…so fucking great,” lady said, gritting her teeth and rolling her eyes. when she’d changed the subject, she wanted to hear about his travels or fun places he’d played music. not fucking peg.

why was she even being brought up, anyways? he hadn’t even seen her. he was here with lady and thinking about peg? she came home…for this? no. no, that wasn’t right. this was about her. this was about them. this would never be able tramp and peg.

“did you guys talk the entire time you weren’t here?” she asked, her voice hiding in the back of her throat because she already knew the answer. of course he’d kept in contact with peg. of course he’d dropped lady and made up some silly story in his head about her not needing him anymore to justify it. he just needed to feel better about replacing her with a newer, faster model.

she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair, people filing into tony’s to secure their booths and tables for the coveted lunch rush. “did you purposefully ignore me for 2 years and keep in touch with peg instead, tramp? maybe she should be sitting here with you catching up instead of me, since clearly she’s more important. i guess it was only a matter of time before you proved everyone in town right, though, huh?”

why couldn’t she ever just let a nice moment stay that way? why did she always have to pick a fight with tramp, especially moments after they’d just waved their white flags and called a truce on the last fight? something about tramp brought the fire within her to an uncontrollable blaze and she could feel it bringing her stomach to a boil now.

tramp watches as lady’s expression completely changes at the mere mention of peg’s name. like something was about to start that would make him seriously regret ever uttering that one single syllable. maybe he had only felt the need to bring her up in the first place in order to push the narrative that he wasn’t lonely companionship-wise, since lady had found herself a fiancé— but as far as she would know, all he was doing was remarking how someone who had always been in his life would be excited to see him. what was so wrong about that?

lady’s soured expression extends out onto her words as well, as it all comes spilling out of her— a clear anger that he doesn’t really understand.

“ well, seems like she’s been doing fine while— ” tramp abruptly stops talking again as quickly as he had started, interrupted by lady – who hasn’t even given him time to answer the first question before directing more at him.

their conversation suddenly feels like a police interrogation.

“ lady ... what the fuck? ” he scoffs, glaring at her in utter shock and disbelief. where on earth had this come from? 

“ wait are you ... serious right now? i just told you why i went silent on you... you know, like, two fuckin’ seconds ago? did you forget that already? ” he responds, already exhausted by this.

it was a mere half hour ago, give or take, that lady had walked into the restaurant and they had reunited for the first time in years. how has said reunion gone from a heated confrontation, to apologies and explanations and light-hearted catching up, to awkward revelations and ended up with lady striking a full blown argument over seemingly nothing?

“ and what exactly do you mean by that last part, huh? ” tramp bites back, starting to see red as he leans forward to shorten the gap between them lest his dad’s customers overhear the conversation. “ proved them right about what, hm? ” he presses, intrigued to see how she’ll expand on that. there were a lot of things tramp was infamous for around town— some true, mostly bullshit. 

“ you know what— you don’t need to answer that. god, lucinda, you’re infuriating. i don’t even get where that all just came from. you just ... exploded. why? because i have a friend who isn’t you? get a hold of yourself, ” he continues, finally rising to his feet, having heard enough. he doesn’t have the energy to deal with this right now, and decides to leave. he’d come back later and finish the unpacking he left half-complete upstairs, but he can’t stand another second in here while the air is as tense as lady decided to make it. he’s out of here, but not before muttering something under his breath—

“ still an entitled brat after all this time. ”

resort to name-calling was probably a step too far, but he doesn’t care. it’s immature to call her that, but it’s more immature in his eyes to get into such a tantrum over him mentioning a girl that she had a minor personality clash with over five years ago.

maybe tramp and lady have outgrown each other.

he slings on his jacket and heads out the door, storming down the street towards where his car sits parked on the curb.

[lyricsilove]

[missingconnection]

[violadvis]

The End Of The F***ing World | 2x02

[trampgiordano]

 msladydee​:

you’re the whole puzzle.

that’s what she wanted to say. she wanted to tell him that without him, there was no puzzle. there was no lady darling, only lucinda. lucinda was who her family wanted her to be. an always patient, beautiful family jewel who never spoke out of turn and listened to the rules. without tramp, she could be her. with tramp, she got to be herself.

“of course i need you. i’ll always need you. i needed you before i had you,” she said, knowing it was too much but being unable to stop herself. compared to the other things she wanted to say to him, this was as tame as a housecat. one day, she would be able to release a tiger.

she melted into his touch, wrapping her arms around him and nuzzling into his neck while she bit back tears. more than anything, she wanted to suck the conversation they’d just had back into her mouth and tell him the truth: she didn’t love trent, she never would, and she wanted to leave with him right then.

lady would live above tony’s forever if it meant she got to stay with tramp. they could sleep in a twin sized bed that creaked louder when it rained and make coffee in his dented stovetop espresso maker. raindrops would slide down the rusted fire escape while she sat in his lap and watched the clouds paint the sky and slip into the distance as the storm faded. in between laughs and kisses, thunder boomed.

after years of constant disappointment, lady knew better than to dream like that. she’d filed that into the “never going to happen” folder in her brain and visited it on days she needed help keeping up her charade.

the topic of trent would be a difficult one to breach. although he and tramp had never met, lady knew there would be…tension. trent was the kind of guy tramp would fight for a single slice of bread. he was tall and old hollywood handsome–the kind of guy everyone always joked lady would end up with. that irony was not lost on her, considering she always figured she’d end up with tramp.

“yeah…you guys will have to…h-hang out,” she said, trying her best to make it sound like something she wanted. truthfully, she’d like to keep them as separate as possible. her fake life on one side, and her real life on the other. she lived on a tightrope, teetering from side to side. one day, she would fall to one and the other would be nothing but a memory. which one it would be was the true question; a question lady could never find the answer to.

change the subject, lady. change it quick, her brain whispered, tearing her away from the questions plaguing her everything thought. “so now that we’ve recapped my entire life,” she joked, smiling up at her best friend with a melancholy twinge. “how about you tell me what you’ve been up to? i’m sure it’s miles more interesting than an arranged marriage.”

‘ i needed you before i had you ’ — lady had summed up perfectly exactly what he felt about her, too. back when they had first properly cemented their relationship as best friends back in high school, she brought him purpose at a time when he didn’t know who he was supposed to be. as co-dependent as it sounded, he was lost without her. maybe that was why it hit him so hard when she moved away. he doesn’t know how he’s survived this long without her by his side.

a soothing hand palms his best friend’s hair and holding her feels like coming home. he could stay like this forever, never letting go of her. but then...

the hug breaks off and lady changes the subject. he picks up on... something, a point for concern in how quickly she scrambles away from trent being the conversation topic and steers the focus onto something else. just how bad was this guy? — well, he’ll find out soon enough. if she doesn’t arrange an opportunity to meet him at some point soon, he’ll track the guy down himself. “ mhm. i’m sure we will. ”

now the spotlight is on tramp, and how he’s spent the past few years since they last properly spoke. where would he start? 

“ uh... well, nothing as shocking as an arranged marriage, but i guess there’s been a lot. around the time i sort of went quiet on you ... i had been needing a break for a while, so me and the gang started makin’ a habit of going on road-trips, sometimes outta state ... i enjoyed it, so it wasn’t long before i decided i’d start travelling cross country. probably sounds cliché but i just took my dad’s old campervan, my guitar and the money i had in my back pocket and set off. it was ... kinda direction-less— is that a word? i, uh, had no plan. but it was fun, ” he rambles, letting the opportunity to talk about his own recent endeavours distract him from the nausea that now turned his stomach.

“ it’s good to be back, though... and i kinda had no choice in the matter, anyway. when i had left, the old man had this place ship shape, he could afford to lose me from the staff line-up but ... things have been a little crazy here lately, i think, so all hands on deck are needed again ... and i can’t complain, right? free pasta everyday— ”

and speaking of pasta— the rusty old bell atop the restaurant’s doors rings, and in come the first few customers of the lunchtime rush. tony, knowing tramp is busy talking to lady, hurries out of the kitchen to greet them and show them to a table ... prompting tramp to walk with lady back to their own table again, over in the corner, to stay out of the way whilst the restaurant started to fill out. tony gives them a sheepish smile as he heads back to the kitchen to prepare the orders.

“ —and of course, i’ve really missed the guy, ” he adds, attention back on lady, continuing what he was saying after flashing a smile to his father in return. “ and so many others that make returning to carthay worthwhile ... oh, i haven’t even told the guys i’m back yet! guess my reunion with you is the first of many. ”

maybe hearing lady talk about what she’d been up to had activated some sort of inferiority complex deep-rooted in tramp’s core, because he's suddenly finding it very important to lay it on thick— how much fun he’d been having, and how many people would be looking forward to his return. clearly wanting to portray to lady that whatever she was doing with her life, it didn’t somehow put her above him ... when in reality, he knew she already was. she was miles above him, always had been, always would be. 

and if you have a love interest all of a sudden, well... i do, too.

“ oh, god— and peg! how could i forget? she’ll kill me for not telling her i was coming back ... you remember peg, right? ”

[laurens-german]

The Notebook (2004) dir. Nick Cassavetes

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

lady didn’t know how to stop the anger surging through her best friend’s body, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to.

she knew what her father and sarah were doing to her was wrong. she’d always known it. they’d treated her like a lower class citizen in her own home her entire life. she’d never been the best daughter, the prettiest daughter, the most accomplished daughter…no matter how hard she tried, she always came last. she could always do better in their eyes.

but this…this was her chance to be a good daughter. securing this merger, bringing the money to Darling Diamonds would set her family up for life–including herself. if she had access to that kind of money, she’d never struggle again. nobody in her life would either, including tramp.

the perfection she’d craved her entire life and worked for would finally be hers. she couldn’t let that go.

“you’re right. i don’t have to do everything they tell me to, but this...” she paused, knowing she was about to sound stupid and make no sense to the man whose opinion had always meant the most to her. “this is my chance, tramp. you know i have some weird need to be the golden daughter. securing this merger by marrying trent…i can’t explain it. i’m not happy with it, but i think…i think i’ve made my peace with it,” she said.

nothing was coming out right. her thoughts felt like they were caught in a spiderweb. honesty had always been their policy–a foundation of their friendship–but her truth sounded…well, stupid.

her hands stayed firmly in his, stuck like glue, as she shook lightly. “maybe i was always destined for an advantageous marriage and not a love one, yeah? trent is…fine. he’s nice enough. my dad likes him. sarah would probably marry him herself if he’d agree,” she joked, trying to lighten the mood looming above them. it soured the smell of spaghetti and meatballs and made the air heavy.

“i want to take you to them, tramp. i do. if we could sort this out and just…leave for a vacation to screw my head on straight for the first time in my life, i would do it. but i just…can’t this time. you don’t have to understand, but i need you to stay,” she dropped his hands and twirled the oversized ring around her finger–of course it didn’t fit her properly. her fiancee didn’t even know her.

while lady knew there wasn’t a way out of this situation that wouldn’t be painful and life-altering, she hoped there was a way she and tramp could survive it and come out on the other side.

after a beat, she said, “i need you right now. more than anyone else. okay?”

life felt painful without mentioning her true feelings for her best friend. ongoing heartbreak felt chronic–like she’d have to live with it forever. she woke up every morning remembering what she couldn’t have and now, he stood right in front of her, close enough to reach out and hold. and she couldn’t. her fractured heart creaked in her chest, exhausted. she wished she could let it rest with him. 

the more lady talks about it — the marriage and the plan and ‘the merger’, the more apparent it becomes that it’s too far gone to backtrack. she stands her ground and refuses to let him confront her parents, and her pleading eyes give him no choice but to back down and drop it. for now.

but that doesn’t mean he’s made peace with it, even if she has.

“ this is ... crazy, i hope you know that. it’s really fuckin’ weird finding out your best friend— ” ... she was still that, wasn’t she? no matter how much time had passed?  “ —is being forced into something they don’t really want, something they didn’t really choose ... but ... y’know what? ... fine, ” he finally shrugs. he won’t give up on this, but he’ll put it on the back burner for now.

this is not what he imagined a reunion with lady would be like. he thought that, if he ever saw her again, they would just have to rebuild to get back to the friendship they had before. he never considered that there’d be this brand new problem sitting like a cherry on top of the old ones.

tramp's hands drop from lady’s and he takes a step back, not really knowing what to do with all of the energy and adrenaline that had brought him to his feet in the first place. he feels like he might faint. it’s all too much at once. 

lady speaks beautiful words about wishing she could run away and take a break from all of this with him, but what good will it do to make him fantasise about what he can’t have?

“ god, i literally just got back and i would actually love a vacation right now. my brain feels fried, ” he laughs a little. she was such a conundrum, but at least she was back. it was a reason to smile and a silver lining to this dark, looming raincloud. “ your fault. ”

hearing her say that she needs him is like fresh, cool water washing over him and providing clarity. “ good to know. i’m glad i’m still an important piece in the lady darling puzzle— yours would be one of those expert-level ones that take like, years to complete and have a gazillion pieces. but ... i’m here, so you don’t have to worry about that. i just ... didn’t realise there was still a place for me, but now that i know there is, maybe we can go back to how it used to be ... ? ” he proposes, stepping towards her again and opening up his arms to welcome her into the hug he wishes he had already given her by now. 

“ and, hey, maybe rebuilding our friendship can provide a distraction for you from everything going on with this ‘trent’ guy ... i’m ... intrigued to know what he and i make of each other when i finally meet him. ”

he’s swallowing his pride, already trying to forget how much the whole thing bothers him and stirs up emotions in his chest that he hasn’t heard from in years. letting the scent of her shampoo and the warmth of her body against his when she accepts the hug, distract him from his anger, his confusion, his frustration, his heartache ... because right now, she needs him to support her. she’s had nobody to do that for her in years— he didn’t need to be around to know that.

[redrecordz]

a  florence  pugh  &  paul  mescal  manip  for  a  1x1  verse.  

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

before she knows what she’s doing, she’s up out of her chair and backing away from it like a scared dog. no no no, this wasn’t right. this wasn’t how today was supposed to go. today was supposed to be good. today wasn’t supposed to end in tears like so many other days over the past 2 years where she hadn’t been able to seek solace in the one person who could make her feel better. now, here he was in front of her and all she wanted to do was reach out and touch him and tell him it would be ok. she would be ok.

but she couldn’t do that, because she didn’t know it would be ok and she didn’t lie to tramp.

“hey, hey, hey,” she stepped towards him after regaining her composure at his sudden passionate outburst, “i’m okay. i’m…dealing with it. kind of. not really. i–fuck, why don’t we lie to each other?” she felt out of control and full of fire that was constantly under threat of being snuffed only to be stoked again. 

truthfully, lady didn’t know what to do. she hadn’t for a long time. in a perfect world, they could get rid of sarah and her father, hop into tramp’s car with the top down, and leave absolutely everything behind them in a town that’s done them no favors. every month, tony would get a new postcard from wherever they ended up next. lady wanted nothing more than to get on a plane, sitting in coach with tramp, and leave everything she thought she knew behind. they could eat pasta in italy, lay on the beach in greece…hell, she would settle for a game night one state over right now. 

she wanted to live in the mundane and exciting with him. she wanted to do everything with him.

unfortunately, that wasn’t how her life worked. this was, and she needed to come to terms with that sooner rather than later. or they’d both get hurt. 

the clip in her hair slid out and clattered to the ground, but she didn’t even think about grabbing it. she took the momentary freedom to run her hands through her hair, shaking like a chihuahua. could she survive losing him again? 

“michael…darling, listen,” she pleaded with him, closing the space between them and taking his hands. she begged him to look at her without words, to connect with her how they had always been able to do. how she’d never been able to find with anyone else. “i think you know it’s not a good idea for you to see them right now. i wish you could do…exactly what you wanted to. i know you know i do,” she said, her bottom lip trembling as defeat pooled in the bottom of her stomach like stagnant, dirty water.

she squeezed his hands tight, afraid he might take off if she let go. “i don’t think there’s a way out of this one, tramp.”

frantic gaze finally settles on lady again, and tramp takes a deep breath to ground himself. what is he even saying right now? talking about going to her family and confronting them over this. what good would it even do? it was too late.

“ dealing with it ... ? how does anyone deal with being engaged to someone they barely even know? ” he questions, retrieving his set of keys from the hook and shoving them into his jeans pocket. still obviously raring to go. 

he’s looking around for wherever he placed his jacket when she appears in front of him and takes his hands, putting a stop to his erratic searching. the soles of his shoes squeak across the restaurant tiles as he halts to hear her out. lady using his full first name and calling him ‘ darling ’ both patronises him and melts him at the same time. he looks down towards her and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear that had fallen around her face once it was no longer being held up by her clip.

“ what’s a bad idea is being someone’s fuckin’ parent and forcing them to do things they don’t wanna do. and it’s been like this for too long. it’s been five years since you left for college— your dad and sarah were controlling you then, and they’re still doing it now. it ain’t right, lucinda, ” he firms. if you're going to use my proper name, i'm going to use yours, too.

he looks around for a moment, racking his brain. “ there has to be a way out. just call it off. if you don’t put a stop to this now, they’ll do this for the rest of your life. tell you when to have kids, tell you what to do with your career, tell you what to say, tell you what to think. when is that ever gonna stop? ” he vents, before sighing and shaking his head.

he places his hands on her shoulders, like he’s about to shake the apparent apathy out of her. why does she seem like she’s just accepted this? where's her backbone? “ i know you’re capable of standing up for yourself ... don’t you remember when we started hanging out together, like, for real and not just at school? ... they’d tell you you were spending too much time with me, and then they said they we couldn’t see each other at all. you still came to meet me every weekend. we’d still go to the boardwalk together after school. i know that you know that you don’t have to do everything they tell you, lady. c’mon. ” 

his heart reacts the only way it knows how, when she gives his hands a squeeze – skipping a beat. his fingers are itching to slip the ring from her own, so that he could run out into the street and ‘accidentally’ drop it down a gutter or something. “ i really think you should take me to them. i’m sorry but ... i’m not budging on this. ”

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

lady dissociated for a moment, staring at the worn wood patterns in the table. she felt trapped in the maze they formed, hitting walls at every turn. for the majority of her life, she’d always been able to talk her way out of any situation. she could bat her eyes, long lashes lapping against her cheeks, and pout her lips and whoever was fighting her would cave. it was a superpower.

it wasn’t working now.

“um, i think it happened about 2 months after we spoke last?” she said, fiddling with the ring that dwarfed her small finger. it wasn’t the one she’d picked out. not that her opinion in the situation mattered much.

the silence around them weighed heavy on lady’s thousand pound shoulders. her neck tensed. of all people, tramp would understand the least what she needed to say, how she needed to justify this situation that seemed so far from where she wanted to be. she balled up her fists under the table and rubbed her eyes with her fingers, exasperated.

“i don’t know him very well.”

there it was. how was she supposed to explain that she was being forced into an arranged marriage by her father and aunt sarah? not only had she let them dictate her college major, but now who she’d marry? in all the dreams she’d had about her future, this had never been a plot point.

though, she was pretty sure she’d given up on having real love when she’d left for college and turned around in the backseat of her father’s car to watch tramp’s silhouette grow further and further away in the middle of her street. the radio hummed softly. the trees whizzed past. she stayed turned around, watching him until they disappeared over the hill. her heart had started to crack that day and her dad had taken a sledgehammer to it when trapping her into a dinner with trent sinclair and his parents.

“his, um, his name is trent. we’ve all had dinner together a few times a semester since…well, since,” she paused to gesture to the rock on her hand, “this.”

it was suddenly too hot to have her hair down. her ears burned. her arms prickled. she lifted her hair up off her neck and reached to pull a clip from her bag. haphazardly, she pinned it up and exhaled.

there would never be a good way to have this conversation with tramp. in fact, she’d tried to call him when her father had broken the news that she would be married off for the good of their jewelry company. he hadn’t answered and she hadn’t tried to leave a voicemail.

“they’re moving here, i guess. so we can stay in carthay. i don’t know. i…i didn’t want…i don’t really know how to…i’m sorry. i don’t know why i’m apologizing. i mean, maybe i do. but i think we both know i’ve just been another piece in dad’s collection, so…i guess it was only a matter of time before he traded me to a different collector, right?”

that long ago? 

tramp was already kicking himself for missing this milestone of her life. maybe if he had stuck around for longer, things would be different.

he watches as she fidgets with the ring and it sparkles in the sunlight. wonders how much it’s worth. back when he would surprise lady with little gifts every now and then, those were things he’d often saved up for weeks to afford, working at the restaurant until closing and bending over backwards for customers in order to rake in tips. he’d never be able to afford a diamond like that.

her next words snap him out of his daze— ‘ i don’t know him very well ’.

“ what? ” he replies instantly, furrowing his brow now as he looks intensely into her eyes. she responds by expanding on it, and the more he finds out about the engagement, the worse he feels about it.

“ hold on, so... you’re marrying a guy you’ve ... ‘had dinner with a few times’? ... and he’s moving here— you said they, who’s they? his family? i just— i’m confused— a different collector? i know that’s just a figure of speech, lady, but ... are you saying your dad seriously arranged a marriage for you? ”

it all comes out of him so quickly, his current rapid-fire chaotic thought processes spilling out of his mouth as word vomit. “ wait... you said... ‘i didn’t want’. you didn’t want to what, lady? you didn’t want to tell me? or you didn’t... want to get engaged to him at all? ” he presses, confusion now morphing into something darker. he can’t help but clench his teeth and fists, growing furious. he knew lady’s dad and sarah were twisted, but this was a new low, even for them.

he stands up, using his balled fists for leverage to push himself up from the table. “ do you hear yourself? you’re not a piece or an item in someone’s collection— you’re a human being. and you’re smart and kind and brave and you have your own fucking brain and your own heart— i mean, what the hell, lady? they can’t do this. you... ” he catches his breath, hearing himself. “ you don’t want this, it’s written all over you ... ”

a moment of charged, heavy silence hangs in the air between them. then—

“ can you take me to your dad and sarah? i need to talk to them, ” he affirms, heading for the hook on the wall behind the deli counter where he had left his keys. 

all of this is essentially aimless right now— he doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do or say about this, or whether to blame lady’s family or the illusive business partner she’s marrying off to, but he knows he needs to do something. “ i... i know i wasn’t around. and it was for way too long, and... ” he turns around and catches her gaze again, noting what seems to be a mixture of fear and curiosity in her eyes. “ i’m sorry for that. i really am ... but i’m here now and you’re here too, and it’s not right that you’re being forced into something against your will. so we can catch up properly later, but right now, i’m doing something about this, pidge. ”

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

sometimes–and she’d never be the one to admit it–lady had a hard time taking other people’s feelings into consideration when she herself was feeling hurt. this only got worse if they happened to be, 1. very close to her, 2. any part of her family, or 3. tramp.

her eyes flicked down to the chair he’d pulled out and she sat in a huff, the wood creaking beneath the weight of her anger. she could feel heat at the tip of her nose and she knew it was red. her face never failed to embarrass her even more than her outbursts. a tear escaped her eye and she wiped it away with the heel of her hand, hoping tramp wouldn’t see even if she knew he already had. he always saw her.

she tried desperately to keep her eyes off the familiar lines of his face when he spoke to her. she watched the rhythm of his lips when he said he missed her as the sadness crept into his eyes. they glossed over her face like she was a stranger he knew everything about and it made her heart twitch, crestfallen.

had she not done enough to show him how much he meant to her? lady had tried to convey how important he was through every message, every late night phone call, every drunk text she shouldn’t have sent. had they been too coy? had she played it off too well to where he’d felt ignored or abandoned? no, that couldn’t be the case. tramp could never forget how big a place he took up in her heart. …right?

“mike…” was all she could say, tearing her eyes from the cracks in his worn hands on the top of the table and finally looking up to him. she met the side of his face as he turned from her. when had it become so common to avoid each other’s gaze? she began to take mental notes of every part of him, just in case she needed a list of “lasts.”

she brought her hands up and reached out to him instinctively, her brain humming like TV static. amidst her emotions, she’d had a lapse in judgment. as the day wore on and the sun streaked in through the freshly washed windows, it hit the 2 carat diamond on her ring finger and refracted the light in rainbows. 

fuck. shit. dammit!

she yanked her hands back like she’d been burned and clenched her fists in her lap. how could she have been so stupid? why hadn’t she taken the ring off before coming here? she’d known there was a chance he’d be around. why the hell hadn’t she taken it off?

she needed to get ahead of this. ahead of his anger and assumptions. or worse–his indifference. “i-if we’re done being mad, i think i have a few things to catch you up on,” she said, her voice soft as silk. her eyes were already stinging again.

he’d asked for her forgiveness and she prayed he’d accept her own.

the lump that forms in his throat and the weight that lays heavy on his chest seems to lessen some as he finally feels gentle fingers pry his own out of a clenched fist, touch barrier broken for the first time in years, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. his gaze stays fixed on the scene outside of the window beside them, but his hand reacts to hers, fingers curling around her own until—

she snatches it away. 

his gaze snaps back towards her in reaction to the movement, confused. did she regret sharing a moment so tender? was that not something that could be shared between them anymore? when blue eyes can’t find the answer in her own green ones, he glances down at her hands. 

a ring?

he can’t put his finger on the feeling that starts to wash over him when he sees it. an engagement ring? how could this have happened, didn’t she only just get home? how had she met someone so quickly? or had she brought them back home with her? who was it? and...

why would she get engaged ... ?!

feeling like he got the wind knocked out of him, he just stares at it, brows furrowing in confusion, heart filling with what feels like a dull, pressing ache. 

“ your ring ... you’re engaged? ” he exhales.

in one of the last conversations tramp had with lady before she left carthay, tramp was on the brink of telling her something— something that ended up a secret, trickling back down his throat after sitting on the edge of his tongue, and becoming locked in his chest, dormant.

he had said— ‘ i have something to tell you, ’ and she had replied, ‘ i’ll go first ’, and proceeded to tell him all about how she had been accepted into her dream school, and would be moving away at the end of the summer. who could blame him for changing his tune, and brushing off his own confession with an ‘ it doesn’t matter anymore ’ ?  how could he have told her his feelings had gone beyond the realm of friendship, when she was about to slip from his reach? how could he confess he had fallen in love with her?

and so, he hadn’t. those words remained well and truly unsaid.

“ woah... yeah, i guess you do, ” he finally responds, eyes locking on hers again. he’d play it cool. he’d be the supportive best friend. he wouldn’t let it show— that seeing that ring on her finger seems to have re-opened years-old wounds and doused them with rubbing alcohol. and so, he forces a smile, plastic and painted whilst a million questions race around in his brain. “ congratulations, lady. when did that happen? ”

[trampgiordano]

msladydee​:

drifted.

speaking to her like she was a life boat that had drifted from its anchored home.

is that how he remembered it? she remembered it as dozens of unanswered blue text messages, as photos that had once garnered a response merely receiving a passive thumbs up, as phone tag becoming an olympic sport for the two of them. the phone works two ways, she’d started to joke in her voicemails that sat in his mailbox like an old, raggedy doll he didn’t want to play with anymore.

she’d seen him in others posts, living his life and strumming his guitar as if he hadn’t done it a million times while sitting next to her on his sofa with the busted frame. he used to sing his new songs for her. now he sang them for peg, for strangers, for people they used to laugh at. people who didn’t deserve to hear them first.

he went out and lived his life in front of campfires with friends while she spent hers hidden in library stacks, pretending to like the girls her father paid for her to be friends with. she choked down acidic black coffee every hour while he popped open another bottle of pinot noir to share with peg on his fire escape. their wine. their fire escape.

“didn’t affect me…okay. alright, michael, if that’s what you want to tell yourself so you feel better about ghosting me, go right ahead. because i have the unanswered texts. i have the red facetime calls you didn’t pick up on. but sure. go ahead and deflect like you always do when you don’t want to deal with my feelings,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest in a huff. he knew bringing her father and the family business up would take her out at the knees and knock the wind out of her sails all at once. and yet, he still did it.

she blew a piece of hair out of her face that kept distracting her from her anger. “no. i didn’t want you to stop living your life. i wanted you to want me in it. and you didn’t. and still don’t apparently, from the way this is going.” her face went soft for just a moment before she remembered herself and moulded it back into a frown.

“i know you have really awesome friends who do really awesome things and are really spontaneous and…awesome now. woohoo, yay tramp, he has friends that like to listen to him play guitar and wear chain necklaces and probably drink wine we were saving for a holiday i came back to town that never happened that he wants to drink with other people now because they’re just…AWESOME.”

she was flustered.

she needed to calm down.

she needed to cool off.

tramp always did this to her. she could walk into somewhere feeling composed and as ready as ever to take on a new challenge and as soon as he came in, lopsided grin and curly hair flopping against his forehead, she lost her way. even after 5 years it stayed that way. lady was sure it always would.

her eyes flicked up to the ceiling in an attempt to mask the angry tears welling up in her waterline. why couldn’t they ever have a normal conversation? why did it always devolve into…this?

“i don’t know if i can fight with you right now. i didn’t know you would be here.” though she’d hoped he would. not like this, though she’d never admit it was still nice to see him. familiar. normal. like home.

she was mad.

she was... really mad.

tramp just stares, hands shoved into his jean pockets, lets her outburst run its course because interrupting her in order to counter her accusations would just make matters even worse.

customers would be here soon, looking to enjoy lunchtime in a place that was renowned for being warm, welcoming and relaxed. the two of them couldn’t be stood here in a mexican stand-off like this when those customers started to arrive. 

while lady’s still in the middle of reeling off her frustration, tramp weaves around the tables that separate them and pulls out the chair nearest to her, hinting to her that if she’s going to continue with this, she at least needs to sit down with him. when she does, he sits on the chair opposite, and can practically feel the steam emitting from her eardrums now that he’s up close and personal with her. watches as her eyes get wet and glossy— she always did cry when she was angry.

maybe he did ‘ghost’ her. it was interesting to hear it from her point of view. it seems he had genuinely underestimated how much the unreturned calls, imessage read receipts and broken promises would get to her. in fact, he didn’t think any of that would get to her at all— there was a reason he’d let things fizzle out like that in the first place. 

he didn’t think she needed him anymore.

it wasn’t a spontaneous conclusion he had jumped to, but one day— he doesn’t remember when the turning point was— he had just, simply, seen enough.

enough of zooming into the background of her photos to try to find himself in the polaroids on her bedroom wall, only to find that he appeared just once in a sea of other faces. enough of wondering how much fun she was having with people that weren’t him. enough of trying to arrange times to have a phone-call, as if catching up had to be done via appointment. enough of voicenotes recorded when she was out at campus parties, drunk and having fun, telling him she was missing him but being drowned out by the sound of her new friends ridiculing her in the background— ‘ tramp, again? come on, lucy, get over it! he’s doing fine. ’

he wasn’t doing fine. because she wasn’t there.

“ i ... don’t want to fight with you, either, ” he breathes, defeated already. “ lady ... ” he starts, looking down into calloused hands in his lap, then back up into her eyes. “ wanting you in my life was exactly the problem. i didn’t feel like just being a phonecall, or a text message, or pixels through a webcam on skype, or a picture on your phone. i was ... missing you, ” he finally admits, spilling his guts.

“ so ... yeah. forgive me if i got a few new friends and picked up a few new habits. ” he shrugs, looking off to the side, nothing else to say. 

his hands move to rest atop the table, itching to reach out and grab her own whilst his stomach performed somersaults. 

what on earth are they doing? it’s been so long, yet they haven’t so much as shared a hug or even exchanged smiles towards each other. everything he’s longed for, for years, is finally right in front of him again— but a new distance sits between them. a metaphorical one, and he’s not sure which is worse.

[andhetakesandhetakesandhetakes]

i love ignoring things….. people…. problems …. responsibilities……feelings…..

[strangedaysindeed9]

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[trampisms]

i’m a liar, i’m a cheat a leech, a thief the outside looks no good and there ain’t nothing underneath darling, can’t you see my heart melted in the heat my heart melted in the heat like yours

[trampisms]

“I’m a coward when it comes to matters of the heart. That is my fatal flaw.”

— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 (via theliteraryjournals)