Definitions, definitions...
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything since I’ve started. It’s like I went crazy for a night and completely forgot about the fact that I had started a tumblr account. That has all changed because I’m about to go crazy for a night again. LOL!
So here I am on the couch watching the Everton game thinking to myself, “Can Lukaku NOT score so that I can win my fantasy league game!” I’m sure half of you have already asked yourselves more than one question before getting to this exact word. At the risk of sounding a little condescending, Everton is a football club in the United Kingdom somewhere (a place called Everton I’m guessing). Fantasy League refers to the Barclay's Premier League: a football (or as the Americans put it, soccer) league for all the British teams. Fantasy League is a pretty simple concept to grasp so I don’t think I need to explain that. Anyway, I’m part of this head-to-head league that is predominantly male. Actually, it’s all male. I’m the only female. Wait, I’m the only female this season because the other female had better shit to do with her time. Not hating on the guys, but I know for a fact that sports does not mean as much to most women as it does to men in general.
Which got me thinking... I’m the only female competing against other males in a fantasy league that is targeted at men... Mostly. Which then brought up another question... Why am I, a woman, trying to compete with men? Especially a bipolar disorder with borderline personality traits female trying to compete with men on a male dominated platform. Am I trying to cause more emotional trauma by pitting myself up with guys on a platform that is designed to make me not only stress about a winning team, but where I am placed in comparison with the guys I’m competing with? It’s a lot. Now imagine my brain every week game, essentially every weekend, i.e. once a week. It’s fun, but stressful. But because I personally love the idea that I’m showing the guys their asses (to some degree), it’s just another added pressure that I don’t need.
My point?
Let me break it down....
When you google “bipolar” the first sight you should come across is this website www.nimh.nih.gov which described bipolar disorder a.k.a manic depressive disorder as: “a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out daily tasks.” The symptoms, as I’ve gathered can be really severe - as any mental illness. I mean, it is a mental illness. Mental, as in mind. As in the thing that’s supposed to make sure you function like a “normal” human being. I’m guessing symptoms would range from person to person but there will always be some commonalities. And I’ll be honest, it’s those common symptoms that had me going a little crazy myself.
According to www.nimh.nih.gov: “people with bipolar disorder experience unusually intense emotional states that happen in distinct periods called mood episodes.” This is a very real thing. So real that I’ve gone on to cry for about a week because I felt sad about my uncle telling me that he was “disappointed in me.” Most people get sad and move on. Me? I over analyze then for some reason the sadness lasts longer than people expect. And it’s not just tears. It’s the happiness. The excitement. The nervousness. The anxiety. Generally, every mood episode is a drastic change from the person's usual mood and behaviour. (I’m not a crier, therefore crying confuses me. But when I do, it just never stops). An overly excited state is referred to as a manic episode. An extremely sad state is called a depressive episode - like depression, but worse in some ways. Sometimes, a mood episode includes both manic and depressive states. This is a mixed episode. This can happen within a day or over a week. It’s all relative. People with bipolar disorder also may be explosive and irritable during a mood episode. This kind of mood is usually associated with an episode called hypomania. Extreme changes in energy, activity, sleep, and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The key word here and forever is EXTREME!
Like every illness or disease there are levels, and so, there are levels when it comes to bipolar as well. Bipolar I Disorder (or the first) is defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days. Or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. I knew a guy like this when I went into my second psychiatric hospital. I laugh every time I think about him. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks, but not that often. Bipolar II Disorder is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes. The depressive episodes also tend to last longer than a bipolar I. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) is diagnosed when symptoms of the illness exist but do not meet diagnostic criteria for either bipolar I or II. However, the symptoms are clearly out of the person's normal range of behavior. Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder. People with cyclothymia have episodes of hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for any other type of bipolar disorder.
I guess this is where I get to explain the type that I’m suffering from. At first, I was told I had bipolar disorder not otherwise specified. For a 21 year old trying to get through varsity after 3 depressive episodes (every year since 2010), you can understand my confusion. In my opinion, I still feel as though this is a term for the crazies that confuse the doctors. I mean, the definitions clearly state that those who fall within this category don’t meet diagnostic criteria. Meaning that you’re crazy, just not crazy enough to define... but we’ll give you meds anyway just so you don’t get too crazy for the people around you. However, this is just my feelings towards it, not the whole truth. I mean, they have an actual name for it, so I guess it’s a thing.
Lucky for me, my mood swings began to meet a diagnostic criteria. Meaning that I was crazy enough to define. Which was a good thing because the doctors knew exactly which type I had, which medication I had to be to take to be “normal” and how I could learn to identify my triggers. (That’s a post for another day though). Today, I am proud to say that I’m a bipolar II - the less crazier of the bipolars. It’s not fair to say this, but like I said, there are levels and it’s only my opinion. However, I did say that symptoms are relative. I have had and experience more depressive episodes which goes with the bipolar II. I have also experience more hypomanic episodes - also a bipolar II characteristic. This is where my symptoms start to vary. I also have manic and mixed episodes. Full blown mania for weeks on end, only to crash into a depressive state for about a month or so. But because most of my symptoms fall within the bipolar II spectrum, I have been dubbed a bipolar II.