My wife and I have been together for 6 years now, we met when I was at uni and we both worked in the same shop. We moved in together almost right away. She changed jobs from retail to care work for disabled people, which is a very high stress job and she did really well at it, but after about a year she completely burnt out and had to be signed off work with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and depression. She was given CBT therapy which helped marginally but the course was over with quickly and she still couldn't face working full time. During this time she "dabbled" with gender identity, wondering if she was non-binary or "demi-boy". It was never really proper discussed and made no real difference to our lives as it was so it sort of just got swept under the rug. I feel kinda bad looking back and wondering if I should have been more supportive but it just seemed like a non-issue as such. She didn't want pronouns to change (was happy with male ones then) and it was more a personal understanding of where she was than something which affected anyone else.
After I graduated we moved 3 hours away. I got a shitty job unrelated to my degree to support us and she continued to work on herself. She managed to get a job doing a paper round for a local newsagents which helped to get her up and out the house but panic attacks continued, and sometimes got violent, the depression got worse and she went through bouts of not being able to do it.
We married in May 2017. It was a wonderful day but we didn't get to actually spend much time together, she was quite absent and anxieties were understandably high.
Things had stayed much the same for years at this point. Never ending cycles of depression and anxiety and stress, I have no idea what life is like outside of these patterns anymore really.
In about November 2017 or so she came out to me as trans. She'd spent a lot of time reading and watching others feeling similar things and felt it just made sense. Hell, we'd had jokes for years at this point about how un-masculine she is, it made sense to me too. She cried a lot and we hugged a lot and we spoke about what actually happens from here. The answer is a lot of waiting and a lot more introspection.
Although she felt better for being out to me, of course her anxiety and depression persisted. It took until March 2018 to visit the docs for a referral to a gender clinic and then she was put on a 24 month waiting list for her first appointment. The waiting begins. We discussed the feasibility of private or GenderGP but decided we couldn't really afford it rn.
She quickly made what seemed like leaps of progress, trying more feminine things and figuring out how she was comfortable. It eased her anxiety a little, but new anxieties arose in her hairline or "passing" or any number of things - she'd left it too late etc. Etc.
Throughout this time we were mostly just getting on with life. We had the odd argument, usually due to frustration on my end. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to deal with mental health, amirite? But it's not as if that's a choice my wife gets to make, so we always speak - in great detail - after any argument, and usually cry and snug down together and apologise profusely each for our own mistakes.
She picked a new name in November/December time. It's a lovely name and I tried my best to use it whenever possible. I don't really use names in conversation, especially between ourselves, so I had to force myself to say a name where I wouldn't usually. It felt stilted, but not because of the change in name itself. She glowed whenever I used it.
Then comes Christmas 2018, we visited her family, who she is out to, over Christmas itself. One night (after a lot of wine) the conversation comes round to the elephant in the room - her transition - and her mum tried really hard for the 4 days we're down to use her new name and pronouns wherever possible. We then go to my family's for NY, she is only out to my parents and sister and so there wasn't really a chance of validation there and she is consistently referred to with male pronouns and name. This hit hard. Firstly, she felt like an imposter for being called her chosen name by her mum, and secondly the consistent misgendering and busy house on my side of the family.
What felt like all the work we'd put in over the year to improve her mental state and anxiety just dropped away overnight. She fell right back into deep-seated depression and depersonalisation/derealisation alongside intense health anxiety too.
It took a week or so, but she eventually went to the doctors and was referred to CBT again, as well as an MRI to check there's nothing actually wrong with her brain. This is where we are now. Desperately trying to claw back from the depths of suicidal thought and depression. Anxiety which makes her ears ring and panic attacks which make her feel like she can't breathe. Referred for therapy which doesn't really address the route of the problem - dysphoria - but might help to alleviate some symptoms. We're still crawling along, trying our best to come out the other side.
This is an overview of 6 years of our life. I'll be revisiting some of these situations and speaking about new ones as they arise. Sometimes it helps to just write it out.
