The Road To Myself

Just another transition blog to document the many changes I'll be experiencing in my life. Important Links

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Another waiting game.

At least I was approved for phalloplasty. I'm basically waiting for my surgeon to get back to me with what I'm doing next.

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Long time, no post.

I've basically been wasting time because my insurance says that the surgeon didn't send a mental health evaluation letter to them, even though I'm pretty sure that the surgeon that specialises in gender affirming procedures on the daily wouldn't forget something like that. In fact, I waited a few months just to finally call them and ask what's going on. I assumed that they would reach out to the surgeon or that the surgeon would take care of the email that my insurance sent to both of us, stating that they needed the mental health evaluation. Impatient, I got the document they needed, and they even said that I could send it to them, of which I did. Wait another month. Call the insurance to see what's going on. They start complaining about how the surgeon needed to send it, etc. I'm so over insurance companies gaslighting and forcing so many trans people to wait for their lack of capability to do their own jobs.

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I've been home for almost a week now. They ended up not putting a stent in my ureter, which I was thankful for. I also got my stomach stitches out a few days ago and now the incisions seem to be healing much better. I was given 10 more days off of work due to still being sore and ultimately not ready to work. Ironically enough, it's the same amount of time that I was in the hospital for so hopefully I'll be good to go by that time.

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I don't even know where to start.

I had my surgery (hysterectomy + colpectomy) on February 25th. They said everything went perfectly. I had some issues urinating on my own, which is where I was sent home with a catheter on the 28th. It was removed four days later, that next Tuesday.

I thought everything was going well, that the dark urine was from medication or not drinking enough water. I spent all Thursday in bed, something I never do. Come Friday, something was wrong. I had severe sharp pain in my left side and there was actual blood in my urine. I panicked and called my wife, where she took me to the ER after quickly coming home. By the time I was in the ER, I was pissing red wine.

After an ultrasound and a CT scan, they decided to flush my bladder over the weekend. Painkillers seemed to help with the pain. Things were going better, until they weren't. My wife came to visit me on Saturday, when the pain started back again. They did another CT and found blood in my kidney that wasn't passing. While figuring out what to do, I ended up vomiting what little I had on my stomach and shivering uncontrollably. My temperature was 38.8C.

I was transferred to a bigger hospital to have an emergency procedure where they put a catheter in my kidney to drain it. I started to throw up as soon as I stood up to get on the stretcher, because they were having to transport me in an ambulance. My body was also now fighting an infection. Needless to say, the doctor that did the procedure was extremely displeased with the previous hospital, and so am I. They should have done this procedure when I went into the ER. I had even asked them how is the kidney supposed to flush if the blood possibly clots in it? They said it would be fine. It wasn't fine.

Now I've been lay up in a hospital bed for three days now, unsure of when I'll actually get to go home. What I do know is that once the infection is down enough, they're putting a splint between my kidney and bladder for 3-4 weeks so that it will properly drain.

I'm thankful that I'm in good hands but this is one of the worst experiences that I've been through..

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Appointments Galore

I've had four appointments now about SRS; one with the initial surgeon overseeing the case, two with the gyno surgeon who will be performing my hysto+colpectomy, and one with a urologist. I can only hope that now I'm waiting for a surgery date. To give more context, I've been going an hour and a half away to the university hospital in Basel for my SRS consultations, and will be going there for the surgery itself. While I don't enjoy the drive, the hospital staff have already been lovely. I can only hope that it continues this way, as I am super anxious already about everything that will be happening.

As of right now Dr Kavvadias will be doing the hyso (plus removing everything except ovaries), as well as the colpectomy. This will be the first stage in my SRS road. While I wanted it done at the same time as the first stage of meta, I've settled and agreed with how doing these procedures first will limit possible complications that could happen when doing them together. I'm not the happiest about having to wait longer to be done with everything, but it'll be better to wait versus a possible longer recovery time. The only other thing that's comforting about it is that I won't have dysphoria about leaking fluids once everything heals up, not to mention no more cramping from a baby factory.

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Upcoming Stuff

I currently have an appointment scheduled for Sept 12th with a urogynecologist. I can only hope this is for not just a hysto but also about meta; the surgeon I talked to previously said I would have three invitations, but have only gotten two (received on the same day). I'm pretty excited for it, honestly. I don't really have questions but I do have a number of reference pictures to show, and even ones that I want to share anxiety about (basically what I don't want). I also have an appointment scheduled for Sept 9th to get an ultrasound of the sides of my chest, more where it meets with my armpits. My top surgeon was amazing, but I've suspected since the second week post-op that there may have been tissue that was left. Because I flew halfway across the US, there wasn't an option on getting it fixed by him. I'm really hoping that there's not mammary tissue still left. I understand men have small amounts of mammary tissue, but I have history of breast cancer in my direct family so I don't want to take any chances. It would just suck if there is, because the surgeon is/was amazing except for how he left my armpits looking. The top chop itself is perfect; I'm even in love with my 3D nipples. Just... I don't like how my armpits/end of chest sides look. Anyway, hopefully I get on board with a new therapist that I contacted months ago. She finally has open spots so now I'm just having to get another therapy recommendation from my GP and I should be able to start my first session with her. I also have to contact my current therapist about it and how to move forward. My current one is great, but specialises in trauma therapy. I've realised that I more need a cognitive behavioural therapist, and this one I found seems to also cater more towards trans men. It might be in the city but it's definitely worth it.

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I think I'm going to try and use this blog more. Long story short, I have my first actual consultation in three weeks for the start of my SRS. I also have another appointment in the same week to have an ultrasound of my chest, because I believe that the surgeon that did my top surgery didn't remove all of the mammary tissue that he should have. I told myself that my "fatty armpits" was due to swelling and some body fat in general but over a few years, nothing has changed. The tissue also doesn't feel like my other adapose tissue on various parts of my body.

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Looking for a trans Discord server?

Join Transit, my growing Discord server specifically for trans people! My mission since the very beginning has to be to have at least one safe space online for the trans community. Everyone is welcome (literally, as we have a handful of channels that allow cis people). https://discord.gg/5QKnDKu9Vt

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2018. 2023.

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Anyone remember when a user by the name of "thewapchronicles" replied to one of my posts saying that I still had "hobo pubes" on my face?

I would like to make a note to said user that damn, it must have hurt you so bad being bullied in school because I look amazing.

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I'm not dead. Just trying to get my mental game together.

My doctor upped my happy pills and lowered my testosterone. Hopefully it equals everything out.

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So I've had a trans only discord server going for about a year or so now, maybe longer. I've been putting a ton of effort and time into making it a nice place with plenty of channels to hang out and enjoy oneself in. If anyone is up for joining, definitely check it out. I would greatly appreciate it.

Join the Transit Discord Server!

Check out the Transit community on Discord - hang out with 124 other members and enjoy free voice and text chat.

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It's been a while since I've posted anything - my apologies. I've been trying to make the most of my days, mainly due to always having to work.

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March 2020 - March 2021

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