The hardest thing I ever did was take a shower. Holding the body of someone you love who has committed suicide is easy. All you have to do is sit there while you wait for the paramedics and hope that you are wrong, and pray that there is still a person here to save. When you are in shock, the weight of a torso is negligible. For all of the strain it puts on your body, you might as well be on the beach holding a book. I think we should redefine the word tragedy as ‘that which is impossible to get over’. Unless you are profoundly lucky, it will happen to you. And on that day, when all of your happy daydreams seem tiny, and all of your nightmares seem huge, on the day when the worst what-if you could ever imagine has already happened, when a friend who you love has committed suicide, when your stepfather is paralyzed probably forever, whatever your tragedy is, please use me as a cautionary tale. Because only a madman tries to do the impossible, and after her death, I was indeed a madman. I tried to get over her suicide. And, failing that, I did nothing. I sat in my own filth for three weeks until a dear friend walked into my room carrying a towel, hoping that I was not another impossible task and said, 'you are taking a shower right now’. That shower was the hardest thing I have ever done. You cannot get over someone, but you can take a shower. And then you can get dressed. And then you can find your keys. And then you can go grocery shopping. And then you can do your laundry. And then it’s ten years later and they are still dead and you are happy. I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in miracles and things so large that they seem impossible. When you do them one tiny step at a time, you get them done. Taking a shower is a miracle. Laughing is a miracle. Being here is a miracle. See that’s the real example. We all give up, and we all hide, and we all wallow in our own whatever awful we have to wallow in. But if you’re lucky, if there’s a miracle, you take a shower. You get up. You keep doing tiny things until the world is a slightly less dark place.
Jared Singer, “Just Take a Shower”
