Your fists are trembling before you realize that you were clenching them enough to dig into the palm of your hands. As much as you considered laying your hands down flat to calm down, you could only unclench them in a gesture of stress before balling them up again. You had barely made it outside of the building when you rested your back against the wall.
It was so infuriating when he decided to come at you with this passive-aggressive shit. Almost like he saw you as the problem. He loved Jessie and really missed having that shit-faced motherfucker in your life. Raf acts as if you betrayed him when you decide that you never wanted to come in contact with that childish low-life. You had plenty of names for Jess, but you really needed to shake them out of your head for now. This is about Raf stepping out of line with you.
You felt like so much shit at the moment. Whenever things got rough you would always storm into the apartment to hug him and cuddle until he helped you calm down. A searing hot tear glided down your cheek, although your face was emotionless. It hurts.
Hurts to know that you couldnât go to him this time. This is what you get when you refuse to spend time outside of your home. Youâre not really sure how long this was going to last either. But you were as stubborn as you were torn between apologizing and finding another place to sleep tonight.
Finally your brows invert in anguish and you look up in a poor attempt to stop the tears from pouring. Your arms felt as heavy as your chest. Itâs times like these that make you wonder if Raf even liked being your friend.
âYou donât get to fucking call me thatâŠâ It was more of a breath than a whisper, but it was an effort to try to keep youself from spiralling into thoughts that degraded you into thinking this was all your fault and that you were a terrible person.
Maybe you were, but at the moment you werenât in the mood to hear it from yourself. Growing up you had to teach yourself to keep out of that spiral or you would do something drastic. It doesnât always succeed and yet it was at least an effort being made.
This time your brows furrow as you aggressively wipe away tears on either side of your face before cracking your knuckles. You need to try to ground yourself and shake off some bad thoughts before you could hear them. That sounded weird. Now you rush out of the area to keep your mind running just as you were rather than focus on the bad thoughts. Sometimes you would pace around the apartment when you were alone just to think of things to defend yourself or think up whatever you could for a distraction. The latter being less useful than the first.
Right now you were jogging across the street to head to whatever seemed familiar. You had to be careful as you had the tendency to get side tracked and get a little lost in a street you rarely traveled.
Raf had no place to guilt trip you into even being friends with someone that cheated on you. Jess could never gather enough humanity to even acknowledge what you had gone through in that relationship. âYeah I understand your decisionâŠâ you scoff at the thought. Raf told you all sorts of shit like that after the break up. A few months later and Raf develops this little habit of scaring off anyone you would bring around him and later talk up your ex like a car salesman. You still havenât felt like you needed to talk to Jess. As a matter of fact, you owed neither of them anything. Regardless of the fact that you three used to be an inseparable trio.
Rafael is a selfish naive piece of shit if he thinks he will ever get you to crack and open up your life to that whore. You are not obligated to talk to them; that is that. If Raf canât come to peace with you cutting a whole motherfucker out of your life then that was his own problem.
âFuck!â You grunted silently to yourself-punching a nearby surface that seemed to be a wall.
The mere voice in your head that reminded you of his constant excuse made you cringe in a sudden wave of anger. âIâm stuck in the middleâ, was short for, âYouâre not being fair! Stop being the problem and make up with Jess so I can enjoy myself in the presence of both of you!â
First of all-Raf isnât in the middle of anything! He is a grown man and can go see Jessie whenever he wants to or even invite him in while youâre out! He is the only one making everything such a big deal. âNews flash, Raffie, youâre no peacemaker here!â, your blood boils at the fact that he couldnât treat you two as separate friends. Even Jess was able to understand you wanted no part of them!
You cut people out of your life for a reason! Not only did they cheat on you, but was generally an asshole too! Just because Raf canât gather the strength to end something completely does not mean you had to adapt to what he wanted! It is not illegal to cut someone out of your life and it could be perfectly healthy for you, even! Regardless if your circle has only gotten smaller and smaller over the years...
âI donât need any of that shit! If I have to Iâll move, Raf!â Your voice hissing his nickname,âIf you canât live without that bitch and me then Iâll do you the fucking favor of cutting myself out of your life! Who the fuck says I need either of you!?â
You stop dead in your tracks and look down at your shoes. There was guilt and suffering swelling inside of you. You had only said that because you couldnât think of any other way out of it than having him hate you. Hot streaks of tears return as you lower yourself into a crouch and hold your head. You donât bother to fight the urge to pull your hair.
A pathetic plea that lands on nobodyâs ears. This was going to be the death of you if you keep going down this path. The sun was beginning to set. Orange and pink flourishes across the skies. Sobs rake through your body as you hide yourself into the alleyway. What the literal fuck? You could knock a man into a coma and here you were weeping like a lonely child. âYouâre a selfish piece of shit-go to hell-he tries hard for you and here you are talking shit-what kind of friend are you-what kind of a sibling-a waste of a contact-a waste of a life-a bastard-motherfucking piece of-â
Your heart was stuck in a traffic of emotions. The selfish asshole doesnât realize how badly you wish it could go back to the way it was too if it made things any easier. But like hell if you were going to ruin yourself again for the sake of his comfort. âBe the bigger personâ was such a load of bullshit. A ticket for the other to avoid consequence if he asked you.
A nervous hand is offered to your trembling form before you even realize there was anyone walking towards you, âWhat are you doing in here?â, he begins his question with your name, which was enough for you to snap your head up at him. âEddie?â You had forgotten how burnt up your eyes must have looked. Dropping your head in embarrassment you hide your bruised up features and take his hand. âNot having a good night.â Your own voice repulses you and you have to stop yourself at choking up as another wave of self-loathing thoughts creep up on you.
There was no lying to him considering you couldnât think of a good cover story for crying in an alley in the dark. The least you could do was keep it vague to spare him from listening to you gripe about something so irrelevant to him.
âNeed me to walk you home?â Panic surges through you for less than a second at his question.
âNo! No-thank you. UhâŠâ You mentally shake yourself before you continue, âUm, do you mind if we just walk to your place?â
A sigh leaves you when you relish in his nod. You fail to notice how he had helped you up and draped his jacket over your still trembling body as you walked. Eddie most likely thought you were shaking from the cold rather than your little meltdown. How cute.
After a moment of nothingness that leaked into you like acid, you decide to open your mouth despite how your sore throat protests, âThank you, Eddie.â
âItâs no problem.â He says it so casually it almost makes you nauseated with guilt.
There was another silent pause, âSoâŠâ You began, âHow did you⊠find me?â That insinuated that he was looking for you, but you didnât know what else to say after half of that question had already left your mouth.
He purses his lips for a second. Then proceeded to do something that finally had you smile at him and even muffle the wrenching ache in your heart. Eddie stammers and stumbles over a word or two as visual warmth creeps up his ears. You ponder what he was hiding before he is able to speak again, âWe-I-I forgot our-my tater tots and I ran back to your place and your brother answered and told us to come find you hereâŠâ
âOkayâŠâ that made you stare wide eyed. He was kind of a shitty liar considering Raf doesnât know where you are.
He stirs at your silence and leaves your gaze about forty times in the matter of two seconds. To his shock you begin giggling. Then you began to chuckle. Followed by some laughing that was hard enough that you had to hold your stomach. He holds you still as you take a moment to recover. âDamn, wouldnât it be crazy if he was some psycho stalking me or whatever?â
Maybe your laughter was contagious or you just looked stupid, but he begins to cackle along with you. You both probably looked pretty stupid. With a careful step you continue the journey back to his place the moment your laughter slowly dies down.
âYouâre weirdâ You wheezed through a last few fits of giggling that left you breathless.
Eddie was just as bad as he wipes away some water building up in his eye, âYou donât know the half of it.â
The bad thoughts push at your neck and build a little pressure in your chest as a harsh reminder that you shouldnât be enjoying yourself. You smile through the pain, yet he asks you if youâre alright and if youâre hurting somewhere. His voice goes soft with an undertone of concern. You couldnât swat at the butterflies that shift in your organs.
âIâm fine. Just shit hit the fan back at my place.â You wince in disgust when you reveal that little detail. Eddie notices and offers implied choices, âWant to talk about it?â
You could either walk in more awkward silence or you could awkwardly blow up on him. Much to your own displeasure you settle for the latter.
âDo you believe in shit like âbeing the bigger personâ?â You curl your fingers to make air quotes around your words as you speak. You didnât want to be talking to a brick wall of morals after all.
Unsure of what you were expecting, you turn to look at him, âNot really. I mean⊠Past experiences makes that kind of complicated to answer, but⊠not really.â
Sighing, you look forward to avoid eye contact; naturally as the coward you were, âRaf only blew up on you because he thinks you would ruin the chances of me focusing on a friendship with an ex of mine.â He scoffs, but you continue before he could say anything, âBut Jess is kind of a shitty person and I really donât care about bringing that fucker back into my life for his sake-uh since me Raf and Jess were all friends onceâŠâ You stopped there deciding last minute to keep a lid on it.
âDoes Raf know you donât want to be friends again?â You didnât expect him to actually say anything after that. Nobody really ever did aside from Rafael.
âYeah, itâs been almost a year already, but it still comes up.â
âWait-why does he care? Canât he still be friends with Jess and be your brother?â
Eddie seemed genuinely confused which was actually kind of adorable, but you ignored that thought, âBecause he feels like heâs stuck in the middle of us. He wants it to go back to how it was when all three of us were together and tearing shit up.â
âSo itâs really about him then?â More of a statement than a question. It made you look up at him in realization. The only feeling that lingered from your meltdown was the guilt of being a selfish asshole. You almost forgot to be a little pissed at him by the time you were mostly out of it.
He takes note of your reaction and speaks carefully, âIâm starting to think you two have really different feelings going around about different parts of this situation.â You nod in affirmation.
âSo thatâs probably why you two havenât figured a way around any of this. Like you both rely on one of you just clicking and finally getting it so one of you can have it your way. But if you donât then itâll just come back up again later, right?â
You nod again, mostly in a daze. He was actually making sense to you somehow.
âThat is so unfair...â
That actually makes you huff out a bit of laughter, âTell me about it.â
You two finally make it to his apartment complex. By the time you two make it to the door of his apartment heâs already pushing you inside. Playfully of course. In his defense you were acting like a vampire that needed to verbally be invited in.
You stand politely next to his couch before you hear him scoff jokingly, âDo I look like the Queen of England?â When you donât respond he steps into your view to hold your arms comfortingly, âRelax. Sit.â
Offering an apologetic smile you add onto you nervous behavior, âIâm sorry Iâm just kind of⊠Itâs been a while since IâveâŠâ You didnât want to sound all that depressing, âLook Iâll try toâŠâ Jesus fuck this was a disaster, âUgh⊠I-IâmâŠâ You wish you hadnât said anything at all at this point. Huffing in defeat you finish your thought, âIâm just tired. Iâm sorry.â
Eddie looks at you closely as if to inspect you.
The silence was always weird. What was he thinking and why did it always take this long? Was he thinking of a way to kick you out? Your internal stress was rudely interrupted when he places something in front of you. The smell of cupped noodles pushes your embarrassment down your throat; almost forgotten. You didnât seem to understand right away. Did you look hungry? Was your stomach making weird noises? Enough!
You took a forkful and hummed thankfully.
He takes his place next to you with a cup of his own. Perhaps he could sense that you were still bothered by your situation, or maybe he was just curious, you werenât sure which as he begins to inquire, âDoes Jess know you donât want to be friends?â
Nodding, you swallow whatever is left in your mouth, âYeah. I mean sometimes I hear from Raf that Jess would rather talk it out and I donât know. Explain what happened that night maybe. Raf tells me that things have changed and how Jess changed, but I donât⊠I donât actually want to find that out for myself.â You couldnât help but shrink at how horrible you were beginning to sound now that it was all being said out loud.
âShould you really have to?â
There was a second before you choke up dryly at your next thought, âIf I donât then Iâm just a coward and Raf is going to give up on me and wonât talk to me and-â Scorching tears return at full force by the time you feel yourself shaking against someoneâs chest, â-Iâll be alone and I donât want to be-not like this-I donât want to be-â Arms tightening around you never made you feel so small. Your voice was growing less and less coherent and yet you pretended otherwise as you kept babbling on about fearing yourself. Does Rafael really think you donât care enough about him if you donât go back to being friends with your own fucking ex? You ball yourself up and cling to his jacket as if you would slip into the void if you let go.
âBack at square oneâ your mind jested. How would he ever talk to you again after this? Eddie was probably thinking âWhat have I gotten myself into?â right about now. You were a wreck basically the first day youâve met him! At least Raf didnât have to worry anymore considering you ruined this poor dudeâs night. A devastated smile tugs at your lips. His seriousness wavers at the feeling.
âWhat?â He has to pull away to look at you.
Your eyes were puffy, skin slick with tears, bruises still evident. Not only were you disgusting, but tears had soaked through his jacket, much to your embarrassment. You naturally avoid his gaze for the millionth time that night, âIâm sorry for fucking up your night.â
For a minute he seems to be at a loss for words. You mentally slap yourself for even saying anything and putting him in such an awkward position. Just as you were about to fill in the gap with more gibberish and half baked thoughts, he retorts, âYou didnât fuck anything up.â
You blink up at him to see that he was smiling down at you.
âOkay, sure, youâre crying on my couch and I donât really know what to do with my hands-â His face almost beams when you snort weakly at his comment, â-but I would rather have you here than crying alone in some ditch-or alley in the dark.â
Then suddenly, something hit you. You wouldnât be crying in his arms tonight if you just kept your conversation light. If you didnât blurt out each and every little detail. Mostly because it was weird to do to a stranger you met just that day. Even most friends would look for distractions as an answer. He asked about your situation and kept prying. He was looking for the smaller details. Because heâs a reporter.
Or maybe he was just that nice of a person.
You move one hand to hold your side as you begin another contagious wave of laughter that resulted in you hiding your face in his shoulder. It was more down-played than the last, but still unrelenting. You werenât sure why, but it all just seemed weird enough to you to be laughable. Not too long after were there strings of laughter rumbling throughout his body. For some reason, the bouncing of your head against his quaking shoulder was automatically hysterical to you. Your laughter grew by the second. This had to stop.
âWhatâs so funny?â Eddie snickered.
Only after a humiliating snort or two did you answer, âYou!â the mirth finally dives back into calmness as you provide some clarity, âYouâre just,â your words were broken by a lingering breath of laughter, âso weirdâŠâ
A nervous chuckle draws your attention, âWeird good or weird bad?â
âI donât know,â a bit of mischief teases your lips when you see his reaction, âYou go looking for me in an alley after the shitty breakfast I gave you and let me into your apartment all ugly with tears.â
Slowly, joy kicked at his lungs. His laugh was cute. Man, if this dude turns out to be a murderer just lurring you in, you were going to be pissed.
âYeah⊠I think youâre a good weird.â You didnât realize how close Eddie was to you until you sneak a peak of his deep smile.
He seemed to realize it too as he takes the opportunity to lean a little closer and wipe away any lingering tears off of your face, âYeah?â
âYeah.â Your voice was coated in honey when you decide you want to meet him halfway. You begin slow. He was so close to you; his breath easily warming your skin and sending goosebumps up your arms. Suddenly you were cold.
You blink at the view of him continuing to eat his leftovers.
âYour soups gettinâ cold.â The shit-eating grin that he bares was enough to light a fire under your ass.
Shock was written all over your face, nevertheless, you grab your soup and continue to eat. There was some silence that weighted the atmosphere. Maybe he was expecting a different reaction out of you, you werenât sure, but nobody was about to be playing hard to get with you right now. You cackle internally.
A smile that could sell for innocence graces your features.
He swipes his tongue over the corner of his lips slowly to catch the drop of soup from the small corn you had flung at him. It catches your gaze through the corner of your eye. Feeling like youâve won, you continue to eat.
Unfortunately you only had half a minute to mentally brag. A lukewarm piece of noodle smacks lamely into your jawline before falling into the remainder of your soup. You gasp and shoot an infamous glare which slowly falters beneath the playful grin that surfaces.
With a flick of your index finger you move another piece of food on the tip of your fork. In a flash, you bring a fist down on the handle and launch a small piece of partially soaked chicken right into what would have been his chest.
What happened instead was actually quite impressive. Your eyes widen to see Eddie lunge forward and catch the food in his mouth. For a second you swear you see his teeth sharpen, but dismiss it as a mere exaggeration of his action. You raise your hands to defend your face as he chuckles and flicks another one at you.
You cry out in laughter and launch it back at him; hitting his nose. Another one flies at you, but you slap it out of your way. It splashes into your soup and further dirties your hoodie. At the moment you didnât really care. That being said, a few more minutes into your little warfare and your hoodie was as bad as your crying face was a few moments ago. Eddie wasnât as bad after catching two more when they were just a little too overhead.
âYou want me to wash your hoodie for you?â He gestures to the filth that caked the fabric. He looked smug albeit a little apologetic.
âNah itâs fine. Donât worry about it.â An eyebrow raises and you cave, âUh⊠I would take it off, but I didnât bring a shirtâŠâ
Humiliation manifests on your face just as Eddie raises a brow. Thereâs no issue when it came to Raf seeing you shirtless, but with someone so new? It was weird. You canât help but be a little insecure. He scratches the back of his neck in thought before offering another option, âI could give you a shirt, no problem.â
You were going to decline, but you could feel something slick and cold sticking to your stomach. Shivering you nod gratefully, âPlease?â
Keeping close to him you follow towards a closet full of clothing. Eddie pulls his shirt over his head. Your eyes immediately trace the muscles that flex and contour his back. Fuck, it actually makes you want to cry. You play it off as a sigh and peel your eyes away from him as he slips into a clean shirt. Were you making things weird? No he probably didnât notice anything. He hasnât made a sound yet anyways. Yeah-no itâs nothing. He canât possibly see that look on your face! Did you see those tattoos? Wipe that drool off your face, heâs turning around!
He places a soft fabric into your hands and points to the bathroom. You were still too ashamed to meet his eyes and notice his smug expression. Instead, here you were in his kind-of-gross bathroom. Stripping off your hoodie you pull the shirt over your top half. If you were being honest, you wish you were out there in front of him. Your mind went into the gutter while you imagine trying to show off your muscles and whatnot.
âEverything okay in there?â You jump and reflexively grab your hoodie off of the sink.
âY-yeah. Iâll be right out.â
Anxiously, you pull at the collar of the shirt. You couldnât stop yourself. Pulling it closely to your lips, you inhale lightly. His scent was almost like its own spice. A sweet musk with enough zest you sweep you off your feet.
You hear him shuffling around in his living room and quickly make your way out. The shirt was an easy fit on you, actually. Eddie was a pretty big guy anyways so you were grateful for the size. Your eyes glaze upon the shirt he wears now. Imagine tearing into such thin fabric⊠You catch yourself before getting lost in the figuration again.
âThanks. Iâll give it back-â
âDonât worry about it. Looks better on you.â
âSmooth Criminalâ was written all over him, âNot as good as you look right now.â
âYou think I look good?â He stalks up to you and you feel your heart flutter.
âDidnât realize I stuttered.â You hum, amused.
Before things could escalate, Eddie clears his throat. He seemed to be keeping himself back. It was absolutely annoyingâŠ
âYou stayinâ the night?â
âOnly if youâll let me.â Thereâs some hopefulness in your words.
He catches it and feeds you a promising grin, âGuess youâre stayinâ.â
The rest of that night was a blur. But much to your displeasure you two didnât do much of anything. You could tell because you were both leaning against each other on his couch with the TV on. The urge to kick something in frustration was strong enough to pick Eddie as a target. Not that you didnât have a nice time, but you would rather be walking off a pair of sore legs right about now. He stirs next to you and leans his back against the couch; taking some weight off of you.
You desperately want to move, but not off of the couch. You wanted to lay your head in the crook of his neck and you werenât even sure why. That was weird. He literally met you yesterdayâŠ
Your head was comfortably tucked against his toned thighs. Too busy being stuck in your thoughts you fail to notice you were slowly being pushed into his lap. You really needed to stop daydreaming because you are doing things you basically tell yourself not to do.
Eddie was already waking up before you could fix your mistake! Quickly shutting your eyes, you pretend to be asleep. A moment later and Eddie was shifting beneath you in contempt of trying to control your breathing. Were you being elevated? You refused to face the music by opening your eyes just yet. Not even when you felt his seemingly huge hand caress the back of your head.
He does lean down to you though. Your heart comes to a screeching halt in hopes of him leaning down to kiss you. However that does not happen. You could feel him. Eddie was taking in your scent, greedily. You miss the chance to stop yourself from shuddering. This almost made you feel vulnerable. But worst comes to worst, you could take a hit and dish one out too.
There was an animalistic rumble that has you peek through your lashes. It was horrifyingly good and ran up your spine better than any manâs âlowerâ voice. The subtle clicking was weird but did wonders to your core. In spite of peeking, it was just Eddieâs nervous face.
You squint at him-as if you were just waking up-appearing tired and disoriented, âDude,â You couldnât help throwing in a drowsy chuckle before continuing, âare you sniffing me?â
Mentally jumping for joy at the fact that it took the attention off of you for sleeping on his lap, you watch in amazement as he stammers with an excuse and chokes up on nothing. He was as nervous and messy as you were.
In the end he comes up with nothing short of, âI just⊠thought you smelt nice⊠is allâŠâ
As nice as it was to see him sweat over anything, you crack a smile and offer some honesty, âThanks. I think you smell nice too.â
Shit was so awkward it was just easier to laugh at each other at this point. You sit up and make a bit of a show at stretching. With your arms raised, you make sure to flex. The shirt was a little on the thinner side which made it easier to tease your little audience as it left almost no secrets and gave just enough details. You finish with a scripted yawn that flows into a soft moan and rest your hands behind your neck. Lasty, you blink away your bedroom eyes to see him still staring. You almost laugh at him when he opens his mouth to close it again.
âHow pathetic is that?â You chuckle to yourself.
He looked frazzled and scared to say anything. You feel a surge of energy and confidence the moment he practically turns around to run away. There was no way in hell you didnât just hear him whimper.
Laughing only when he makes it into the safety of his bathroom, your phone nearly vibrates off of the table.
[R: Aye call me or get over here]
[R: Cause I just got you a fight]
[R: Its flashinâ big money]
You two may be fighting, but when it came to you fighting other people, it was an implied compromise that you two still work together.
Eddie was just coming out of the bathroom. His bed head looking more like it was on purpose than an accident.
[Y: Canât rn⊠Iâll be over in ten]
Pocketing your phone you look at Eddie bashfully, âHey⊠big guy?â oh god-no awkwardâŠ
âBig guy?â His grin was already talking dirty.
âCareful-I know where you sleep.â You point at him accusingly before laughing it off, âAnywaysâŠâ âYouâre stallingâŠâ
âThis was fun⊠and youâre really nice. So thank youâŠâ He at least seemed pleased by your words so far, âBut, Raf texted me soâŠâ Until now. His face was weirdly disappointed. All you could do was sigh mentally, âI donât want to go eitherâŠâ.
âAre we going to see you again sometime or?â You gave it some thought. You didnât actually have a job with your winnings mainly covering the rent. Not to mention, Raf was the one working at the bakery on 24th street. Memories flash you with images of you lounging on the couch or working out. You had all the free time in the world.
For a second, you twist from side to side indecisively. You kind of wish for a way to attach him to you hip. You liked him and despite all the teasing and whatnot, he seemed as shy and weird as you were. Just as lost.
âHm⊠What are you doing tonight?â The smile he answers with was rewarding.
âDonât know yet⊠You tell meâŠâ Jesus fuck, did your heart just float away?
Keeping your cool you place your palm against his bicep, âI know a cute little place we could meet up.â
You give him the location of a sweet little cafe that was open in the late hours. He was familiar with it and called it a date. A swift hand grabs your hoodie. You quickly toss it onto your shoulder and poke some fun at how you may just keep the shirt. It felt softer than any of your shirts. Everything felt like it was lingering, âYou want me to walk you home?â
âIâll be fine.â Punctuating your words with a shameless flex of your bicep. You really didnât want to go, nonetheless, you bid him farewell after a bittersweet chuckle, âAnyways-Got to bounce. Ciao.â
He waves you off and closes the door behind you. Your heart needs a moment to deal with the loss of company. As you move down the hall to exit the building you hear Eddieâs muffled voice, âWh-God shut up V.â
He seemed irritated, but he was chuckling. Strange. Who was he talking to?
You pay it no mind for now and focus on your journey back home.
