Leave for Your Own Safety

I'm 35+. This is a mental (un)health blog used for my own needs. Judas (He/they), Candace (she/her), Alexis (she/her), Kody (he/him), Axel (he/him), Void (it/its).

[trauma-ace]

I kust don't see the point anymore. I'm tired.

[trauma-ace]

I dont want to be here anymore.

[trauma-ace]

Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down.

[trauma-ace]

Again.

[trauma-ace]

Again.

[trauma-ace]

Sometimes I think my life would be infinitely less complicated if I weren't asexual and aromantic. Society isnt built for single people.

[trauma-ace]

For someone who hates being touched, sometimes i get this incredible need to be held and it confuses me.

[iam-not-really-here]

[neki-f1sher]

trigger warning: SA

[trauma-ace]

You ever do that thing where you type out a message to try to reach out when you feel like you're drowning, but then immediately delete the messages?

[dumbdaisies]

has something ever hurt you like so so so much but you just had to shrug it off and pretend you were fine but like the thing was super big and the feeling never went away and it hurts so fucking much you can barely function

[trauma-ace]

Today I tried to watch a bunch of videos to convince myself that I am the toxic one in my relationship, actually.

Nothing fit.

I wasn't like anything in those videos, but still i'm sitting here trying to convince myself that its me. That I'm toxic.

I think I'm trying to convince myself i'm toxic so it isn't my responsibility to end this relationship i've had for nearly 20 years..

I met her when I was 13 and she was 17, but we didnt get close until I was 17. Still...

I think I am enabling toxicity to thrive in my life, but that doesn't make me toxic, does it? That i am encased in toxicity, being ruled in it and allowing it to control me, but I myself am not toxic, right?

I know two things can be true at once, but can those two things be "I am enabling this to continue, but I myself am not toxic?"

Or is there another definition of toxicity that I am missing?

[trauma-ace]

You know what? No. No. This is the hill that our relationship will die on.

You WERE gaslighting me. You were and i had a witness!

The definition of gaslighting is "an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves."

You were trying to fed me false information about how I have pronounced a word "herb" vs "'erb". You would ALWAYS say that herb is a name and I knew that and I brought that up to you MID CONVERSATION and it all seems so benign and small, but the fact that you deny EVEN NOW that you were gaslighting me, means that you were!

I know how i pronounce things! Its weird, and its mine! Its how i've been for as long as i can remember! Herb WITH AN 'H' IN IT!

And now here I am, overreacting into the void over a tiny comment you made yesterday, poking fun at how I "always accuse you of gaslighting" when all i said was that you misspoke on a comment about how the Japanese were not known for being gentle durring wartime.

YOU MISPOKE. I WASNT ACCUSING YOU OF GASLIGHTING ME AT FIRST, BUT I SURE AS HELL AM NOW.

It would have been so easy for you to just say either oh I must've mispoke. Or oh, maybe we misheard. But no. You had to go straight to me ACCUSING you of GASLIGHTING.

Falling back last time and saying it was a joke was not admitting your mistake and apologizing for the distress you caused me.

Immediately projecting and accusing me of accusing you of gaslighting WHEN I HAVENT DONE SO SINCE THAT DINNER was more than enough to convince me that you were.

Thanks. I'm saving this forever here on tumblr so i can come back to it.

[trauma-ace]

On Friday, at her sister's new house warming party, she switched up and made the same joke in reverse.

She made fun of me for pronouncing "herb" WITH the H as if nothing happened last time. I can't tell if this is her correcting her behaviour from last time, or if she's trying to pretend she never did it in the first place.

[trauma-ace]

I always find myself reaching for food to comfort myself. I think instead of doing that, i'm going to write things here. I have no followers so i dont think i'll be annoying the void or anything.

Today when i was putting away the dishes, I saw one of the cabinets in such utter dissaray that I has to sit down and hold my head in my hands.

Its not the first time this has happened. My partner hates doing chores of any kind, cooking, dishes, moping, etc. She pretends that she's good and fine doing them when I ask her to help, but she does them so poorly when i know she is capable and has done them correctly before.

People have told me this is weaponized incompetence. And have told me of times she has described doing things like this purposefully to keep me in check, but..

Part of me thinks she does this because depression and bipolar make completing tasks fully difficult.

I want to be mindful of how hard things can be for her, but i also know now that my needs are important too. There is so much toxicity in our relationship on both sides. She is trapped in a loveless partnership and i am trapped feeling responsible for someone who thinks its okay to give half effort simply because i am not capable of loving her how she wants to be loved.

How much is too much?

Do I want to keep living like this?

Does she?

[ciderglassandherbs]

[trauma-ace]

I know that deep down, having thoughts like this just means that I do in fact know that i deserve love and care.

I know that imagining someone who DOES care enough to help is just extra steps to proving that I do infact love and care about myself, i just cant or wont admit it.

That this shadow i've created is an extension of me and if they love me enough to care, then I love me enough to care.

I know that self harm, at least for myself, is just a visual way, a purposeful way, and a physical way to show myself self care... Its just not a good way to do so.

Someday I hope i'll be able to break this habit and love myself in a way that doesnt also hurt me.

[trauma-ace]

I'm in therapy now, lmao.

I feel like she's trying to push me to leave my partner and its spiking my anxiety like mad...

Or maybe she's just... pointing out a lot of things and my own self preservation is making it seem like she's telling me to leave.

The thing is, my partner is on meds now, and she's getting better, treating me better, treating my sister better...

But I can't seem to trust her. She lied to me so deeply and for so long. She doesn't seem to understand why this has hurt me so deeply, but when you lie to someone for 8 months straight about a very CLEAR boundary, how do you ever think they'll trust you again?

I should put our story on reddit.

[trauma-ace]

Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down.

[trauma-ace]

Again.

[ownerofaspiralgalaxy]

♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧

♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤

This body is undeserving of reward.

♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧

[trauma-ace]

Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't shut down.